How nice it is to sit where I am – 18 months after “The Big Reveal “. That first night, not able to find relief in sleep…and the MANY similar nights thereafter…were in retrospect, unnecessary. Ahhh- hindsight! Where is it when we moms REALLY need it?
Those first few months were spent with TOO MUCH time fretting over fear! These were but a “few of the slew”:
-Would this REALLY make my child happy?
-Why couldn’t he simply be gay and not have to change his identity?
-How in the hell am I going to tell friends and family?
-Would I even be able to be open with others about this at all?
-How would others react?
-Did I cause this?
-Would people think I DID cause this?
-Could I have done something/anything to prevent this?
-Would he ultimately be able to “pass” and be safe?
-Would he be loved and appreciated in a new identity?
-Is he going to be alright?
-Who can I turn to?
-Will there ever come a time when I am not thinking about this CONSTANTLY?
-What should I DO?
No wonder I didn’t sleep- I was trying to control something I had no control over! I was making this all about ME! True, I hadn’t chosen this journey…so I guess I could have gone to the resentful place. But for me, it was all fear-based. And once I started to understand that the part that WAS about me – was REALLY about stepping up in the unconditional love department, it was then that I started to be less frightened.
Let’s face it- we are moms first and foremost! We KNOW love! We can DO love! We know what love looks like: it’s getting information so we can help our kid. It’s reaching out and letting them know we are in the wings and we are not leaving- no matter what! Love is “stepping into their shoes” and seeing that they are willing to go through hell because this is THAT important!
And now…18 months later, I am loving my son. I feel honored to have been a witness to such extraordinary courage. I marvel at the joy he has found in his transition. I “see” his new name in my mind’s eye when I think of him. I rarely make pronoun errors. I sleep.