Fear vs. Reality

16 May

How nice it is to sit where I am – 18 months after “The Big Reveal “.  That first night, not able to find relief in sleep…and the MANY similar nights thereafter…were in retrospect, unnecessary. Ahhh- hindsight! Where is it when we moms REALLY need it?

 

Those first few months were spent with TOO MUCH time fretting over fear! These were but a “few of the slew”:

 

-Would this REALLY make my child happy?

-Why couldn’t he simply be gay and not have to change his identity?

-How in the hell am I going to tell friends and family?

-Would I even be able to be open with others about this at all?

-How would others react?

-Did  I cause this?

-Would people think I DID cause this?

-Could I have done something/anything to prevent this?

-Would he ultimately be able to “pass” and be safe?

-Would he be loved and appreciated in a new identity?

-Is he going to be alright?

-Who can I turn to?

-Will there ever come a time when I am not thinking about this CONSTANTLY?

-What should I DO?

 

No wonder I didn’t sleep- I was trying to control something I had no control over! I was making this all about ME! True, I hadn’t chosen this journey…so I guess I could have gone to the resentful place. But for me, it was all fear-based.  And once I started to understand that the part that WAS about me – was REALLY about stepping up in the unconditional love department, it was then that I started to be less frightened.

 

Why?

 

Let’s  face it- we are moms first and foremost! We KNOW love! We can DO love! We know what love looks like: it’s getting information so we can help our kid. It’s reaching out and letting them know we are in the wings and we are not leaving- no matter what! Love is “stepping into their shoes” and seeing that they are willing to go through hell because this is THAT important!

 

And now…18 months later, I am  loving my son. I feel honored to have been a witness to such extraordinary courage. I marvel at the joy he has found in his transition. I “see” his new name in my mind’s eye when I think of him. I rarely make pronoun errors. I sleep.

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13 Responses to “Fear vs. Reality”

  1. Eli May 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Thanks for sharing this. I’m reposting. 😉

    -Eli

  2. Eli May 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Reblogged this on My Life with Tits and commented:
    A sweet little post to wake up to this morning:

    • transmom May 18, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

      That is so awesome, Eli- thank you- you made my day!

  3. transbeautiful May 17, 2012 at 1:15 am #

    Reblogged this on transbeautiful and commented:
    Thoughts from another mother who has travelled this journey a bit longer than i have.

    • transmom May 18, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

      Thanks so much for reading!

  4. transbeautiful May 17, 2012 at 1:26 am #

    Had to share this one too. 🙂

    • transmom May 18, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

      Just checked out your site- it is wonderful and I LOVED going back into your archives and reading about your journey as it progresses! Thanks for sharing! You embrace your son and it is reaffirming for all of us to hear!

      • transbeautiful May 18, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

        Thank you! I am enjoying this site too. Through my son i have encountered kids who have little to no family support, so when i come across supportive parents in person or online i feel like i’ve met a kindred spirit. =) I look forward to more from your blog!

  5. julia christine stephen May 17, 2012 at 2:21 am #

    you have captured what it is like to be a mom, and also the courage it takes to be true to oneself, excellent. 🙂

    • transmom May 18, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

      Thanks so much- your comment helps me continue writing!!

      • julia christine stephen May 18, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

        I was talking to a “straight” friend today about how hard it is to have to confront these issues each day…it opened his eyes…what you are doing does have an impact. 🙂

  6. purplemary54 May 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    Beautiful.

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