About This Site

 

When I found myself learning about my son’s transition, I felt alone.  I was certain I was the only one in my immediate area experiencing something for which I felt unprepared, and for something I wished I could, instead, avoid.  I  wasn’t sure where to start looking for support.  My son was 24 years old, queer and in the midst of hormonally transitioning (FTM).  The support groups and websites I did find did not provide the answers or insights for which I was looking.  Dear friends were compassionate, but had as little experience with transgender issues as I.  Several websites I found for parents of transgender youth shared a narrative of children being “trapped in the wrong bodies.”  I  now understand that such a narrative  CAN resonate for some, but my son was instead trapped in a binary world that didn’t allow for any variance in self-expression.  I have since learned that self-expression is not confined to one story or one shared experience! It is my goal that this site offers mothers support as they navigate new meanings and a deeper appreciation of their child’s individuality.

In addition, I am hopeful that for those that seek it- this will be the hand that reaches you when you need it most!  It is ironic that I am blogging now-now when I have already passed through the “What did I do wrong?!” stage and finished “looking for my dreams” instead of focusing upon my son’s. I will share reflections of that earlier time as well as where I find myself today.

Please take a moment to look at my different blogs, the guest blogs, and the shared articles and resources. It is my hope that this website may assist you in your personal journey when you need support most.

You are NEVER alone. Allow yourself time! Embrace the journey!

As my son told me early on, “You will have your own process.”

1,097 Responses to “About This Site”

  1. Sfirah April 16, 2012 at 2:41 am #

    I ❤ you!

    Reply
    • Annie September 15, 2018 at 11:51 am #

      Hi I know how you feel I have a daughter that is25 she just started testosterone shots and I feel kinda sad like I’m losing my baby girl.she was sick all her life she had biliary atresia and at 4 years old she got type one diabetes in 2015 her older brother donated half his liver to her they both are doing good . now this transgender thing I know she’s been lesbian since 8 the grade but never knew she wanted to be a boy.

      Reply
      • transmom September 23, 2018 at 11:13 pm #

        Hi Annie! Wow! You sure have been through a LOT as a mom!! I soooo understand how finding out that being a Lesbian is not the path can feel very confusing. But I think as kids are growing and learning about themselves, they, too, can confuse their sexuality with their gender. For some of our children, this is the way they find themselves.

        Annie, please know that there are MANT mothers that not only express sadness around “losing their baby girl or boy”…but actually describe their deep feelings as grief and that it “feels like a death”. Please give yourself time to adjust and feel whatever that comes up for you…you will have your own process of acceptance! Hang in there: you are a loving and supportive mother!!!

      • Ash February 19, 2019 at 10:44 am #

        Hi Annie! I just wanted to ask how your kid is doing at the moment with Testosterone & having Biliary Atresia. I am also transgender (pre-transition) and have BA and have been worried about how T will affect me in the future. I have not had a transplant yet, I’m still with my native liver, and I’m currently 17 years old

      • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:16 pm #

        I hope Annie will respond to you here!

      • Annie August 7, 2019 at 11:59 am #

        Hi well my now son had his transplant in in 2015 so far the testosterone is not having an effect on him as far as transplant medications. I’m glad to hear you are still pre transplant that’s awesome I’m sorry I took so long to reply I didn’t see a reply option before.

      • Kayla June 9, 2019 at 1:46 am #

        I can so relate 🙂 I have three kids and have always been open to creative expression and accepting all people. My 25 year old daughter has dated boys and girls and just eloped ( and we love him) with a much year older transgender male. My husband saw an insurance statement today that she is taking a testosterone drug. I just feel punched in the gut and don’t even know why I am sobbing continually. I feel like my little 5 foot two gorgeous tough wonderful daughter has died somehow. I don’t want to feel this way! My husband is older, 70, and we both love our children no matter what and are trying to celebrate all of their choices yet it hits us when we aren’t even thinking about it. It feels as if reality changed while I was sleeping. I am so happy that my daughter is happy and smiling and feels loved. I just know I need a support group and do not know where to find one. I do not even want to work.
        People I have written to just are not writing back and I am tired of feeling like my child died when she is alive and well

      • transmom July 31, 2019 at 8:49 pm #

        Kayla, I am sorry that you are struggling with this news. I know it can feel like a “sucker punch” when you do not see this coming!! I personally feel it is really “fair” for you to have an honest conversation with your daughter to let her know that while you support her, you really deserve to find out about something as significant as a gender change personally- and NOT from an insurance bill!! I gotta say, this doesn’t seem to have a malice intent- it’s just a self-centered 25 year old not being aware that they have an important connection with others of consequence! Telling her that your love is unconditional, yet you DO get to have a reaction to news such as this, is important. An open discussion helps define how the future plays out: you need her to be open and honest in order that those she loves can process what may not be as automatic and easy as expected You WILL get there, but you (please) need some understanding along the way. She needs insurance. You need honesty 🙂
        Kayla, finding a support group WILL be so helpful…have you tried looking up PFLAG groups in your area? Also, you can consider looking up therapists that specialize in gender issues…they often have connections to groups! LGBTQ Centers also have good resources for parents and allies!!
        Keep hangin in!! Yo WILL get there!!

      • Annie A Weddington August 15, 2019 at 12:29 pm #

        Hi Kayla I’m so sorry I know it’s a hard thing to deal with I too struggle with feeling like I lost my daughter but as my now son is looking like my son 5 months on testosterone I’m actually happy for him he is so much happier I can tell the difference .I’m just happy he’s alive as he’s been thru so much health issues .I hope it gets easier for you .

      • transmom August 25, 2019 at 3:35 am #

        Thanks for your encouragement to Kayla, Annie!

    • Maria May 17, 2019 at 3:49 am #

      My son is 28 years old and has been on testosterone for about 4 years. He was booked to go for gender reassignment surgery but unfortunately due to insufficient funds, he had to rebook for next year, when I hope to be able to provide the needed amount. He seemed to be doing well the first week after the cancellation, but for the past 2 weeks he’s gradually starting to slip into very low mood. He tells me he’ll be ok, though I worry. I know people’s emotional reactions are very individual, but wonder if someone has a good way of approaching a very sad young man who feels dehumanized and that he does not belong, despite having lots of loving friends and (some) family. I strongly relate the statement above that if binary was not “the norm”, he wouldn’t feel this way and maybe he won’t even need to undergo surgery. He is booked for counselling soon and I hope this helps. My question to all the moms here is: what do you tell your children when they feel depressed because of who they are? How do you help them get past this and become more resilient?

      Reply
      • transmom July 6, 2019 at 6:23 pm #

        Wow Maria- such a great question! I am sending you strength as you stand by your son during this difficult time! I know this is super hard for you, too!!!
        What do they say????”A mother is only as happy as her least happy child?”” This is really hard for YOU!!!
        I think you are doing all the right things…providing support and being that source of strength for him. You are recognizing that he is struggling because of some ridiculous assumption of how folks “are supposed to be”. And you are sure that he has therapy arranged.

        Therapy WILL be his saving life in a way any mom can’t. But you can be there to be a daily source of strength (even just through text or email) and to let him know that his struggle will be worth it…he CAN hang on…you believe in him, etc.

        I also hope that aside from his own individual counseling that he has found a group of trans adults that he can meet with…those are the folks that will REALLY help him out- they have experienced the same!!
        Keep telling him your love for him is enduring as is your belief that this difficult time will behind him!!

      • Gregory Rowe October 25, 2019 at 12:59 am #

        hopefully counselling helps, but all that you can do is to ask “What can I do for you, My son just told me that he is transgender and I am devasted–never, ever saw this coming. I have been very supportive, but she is going to dress as a girl this Monday. She is coming home from college so that I can help her prepare for this–clothes, hair etc. She was so highly offended by my frank comments that she thought that I didn’t want her to come out. Nothing could be futher from the truth. I have told her 100 X that I am so proud that she has the bravery to do this at 21 instead of 65. It is just such a hot button issue at every turn, and I just have to let myself be a little bit railroaded b/c this is so stressful for her–even with her family’s love

      • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:15 am #

        How awesome are YOU!!! I hope your daughter and you are both well and happy!!!

      • Mamie favor January 11, 2020 at 3:34 am #

        I have a 13 year old transgender daughter. At age 2, she told me she was a girl and was very angry about the penis she had. A month ago, the bullying got so intense, she tried suicide. She spent a week in a mental hospital. She is struggling daily with her frustration over her body. But, I told her today, GOD does not make mistakes. He allowed this to happen for a reason and we are on a quest to figure it out. She liked that. She also says positive affirmations daily before getting out of bed. These include affirmations that GOD loves her. Maybe you can start these prayers and positive statements daily that may help! Remind your child to grow thick skin and to know GOD is his Father!!

      • transmom January 21, 2020 at 5:10 am #

        Mamie- While many of us here may not have the same religious beliefs, those of us that do believe in God or a Higher Power may agree that there are, indeed, no mistakes. Our children KNOW who they are- period. We must trust them and support their truths!
        It is my prayer that your daughter is able to accept herself and live her truth without allowing others to dictate her joy or acceptance.
        You love her. I hope that your unconditional love will allow her to love herself so that she is able to live wholly and completely!

  2. Quinn April 16, 2012 at 4:39 am #

    As a friend of your wonderful son, and a mother myself, I am so happy that he is lucky enough to have you for a mom. Thank you for being a really great example of what it looks like to support and love your child.

    Reply
  3. Lisa Keating April 16, 2012 at 6:25 am #

    I founded a gender variant play group in Tacoma, WA for my son & other children like him. My husban & I also went to PFLAG searching for resources & were treated with kindness, yet we were told that they didn’t have services for families. It was suggested for us to look for groups in Seattle but that’s not our community. I wanted something in my own backyard. I decided to take action & launched “My Purple Umbrella” in February of this year.

    We have received tremendous support & assistance from the community & tapped into a true need. Our larger goal is to create chapters in cities around the country. At this time, we are in the beginning process of filing for non-profit status. Cheryl Kilodavis, author of “My Princess Boy”, has been consulting & advising us. My husband & I are always grateful learning of additional resources.

    Reply
    • Connie Dellinger October 18, 2018 at 9:00 pm #

      Do you know of any support groups in Colorado? And more specifically in the Denver metro area?

      Reply
      • transmom October 23, 2018 at 2:26 am #

        Hi Connie! Thanks for asking!

        Check out the Gender Identity Center of Colorado! It’s located at 120 Bryant Street
        Denver, CO 80219; Phone: (303) 202-6466.

        https://giccolorado.org/the-gic/support-groups

        They have a support group for a Significant Others, Family, Friends, and Allies (SOFFA) Group 2 x a month! On their website, there are also a local resources listed!

        You may also find a PFLAG group near you. (They are an “extended family of the LGBTQ community; made up of LGBTQ individuals, family members and allies”). That was the first group in which I found support. They have several groups throughout the Denver area. Checkout:

        https://www.pflagdenver.org/support-groups

        Great good luck moving forward! It is ALWAYS helpful to link arms with other parents experiencing a similar journey!!

      • Dez October 25, 2018 at 12:22 am #

        Connie, I’m in Loveland, Colorado. We should try to meet up! Is it safe to share my email on this site?
        Dez

      • transmom November 26, 2018 at 6:49 pm #

        I think its best if you connect through me on FB. If you both send me a message with your email at the page associated with this blog, then I can connect you privately!!:

        https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog
        The

  4. Renee April 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    You are both so inspiring for the journey you are on and the mother/child bond you share. I hope this site becomes a valuable support for other families who are working through similar transitions.

    Reply
  5. Marybeth Markham April 16, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

    SO pleased to have found this wonderful site. I am a therapist in Spokane, WA and the majority of my clients are transgender…and among those some young ones. Very happy to have this to share with them and their families! Thank you!

    Reply
    • Kristen June 8, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      My 23 yr old daughter recently move to Washington for a “new start” and just revealed to me she wants to be a boy. She is consulting with dr’s re: having a full mastectomy and cries often about how she hates being a girl and hates her body. I live in Tucson and feel very helpless and worried. I want her to be happy. This is no longer a phase. I need somebody to help me process this. Help!!!

      Reply
      • transmom June 16, 2014 at 3:16 am #

        Hi Friend! I am so sorry that I am just getting to your note only now. I had my right knee fully replaced and was really out of it for awhile. I hope you are hanging in there and this finds you in a better place!!!

        How frightening for you to learn of these HUGE changes with your child when you are so far away!! It’s so tough being a mom away- I know!! My daughter also moved to WA (from CA) and after attending college there, came to the same conclusion- that “she ” was transgender and would be transitioning to become male. I frankly didn’t know ANYONE transgender so I really had a hard time processing it all. I want you to take lots of deep breaths and trust me when I say this is going to be okay!! You new SON is the same child you always loved and will always love- just with different hair and shape…but HE WILL BE HAPPY!!! And someday, like I have finally experienced…he will come into himself and you will FINALLY see him enjoy a sense of peace. And you, too, will enjoy that same peace- FINALLY!

        Meanwhile, have you found a parent group to help support you in Tucson? I actually know someone that is coming there with her (now) daughter to have surgery this coming week! Talk about traumatic!! I accompanied my son to have his top surgery a couple of years ago…and while it was frightening, he was so excited about it that it kind of forced me into being positive for him. It allowed me to “mother” him in a way that I hadn’t been able to for years- washing his hair and brushing his teeth (they can’t lift their arms for q couple of weeks)…again, knowing this is a GIFT to your child helps the pain and anguish from our end. Does this make sense?

      • Sherry March 16, 2016 at 6:26 am #

        Kristen,

        I realize it’s 4 years on but I’d love to hear from you and if you wish, to hear your on going story. Our 21 year old son came to us 6 weeks ago and explained, just as your child did, that living in a girl’s body had caused too much hate for self and heartache and changes had to be made.

        I truly hope your son’s transition has made him a much happier and healthier person. And that you have seen the change as a wonderful rebirth. I will stop right now before I carry on forever but please kbow I am sending you healing thoughts and will think of you tonight in my mediation prayers.

      • transmom March 20, 2016 at 2:34 pm #

        An update would be amazing!!

      • Dee October 12, 2016 at 3:52 pm #

        My 21yr old daughter, that’s just told me that she wants to eat my pansexual transgender 21 year old son everything about that person that I know has changed between those two sentences except for the age I don’t know where to go who did talk to what to do next I’m scared of doing it all wrong for myself my husband who is unsupportive my son who is 17 my daughter who is not my mother my family my friends and just feel like I’m in a Hole by myself I want to do what’s right for everybody but quite honestly I haven’t even begun to mourn the loss of my daughter I just don’t know where to turn next

      • transmom October 12, 2016 at 6:26 pm #

        I want to make sure I understand your first sentences: I believe you are saying that your 21 year old daughter has come out as pansexual/ transgender to you and that you are very worried about the negative reactions from everyone in your family. Is that correct?
        Dee, I get the feeling that you believe that it is your responsibility to react for everyone…but I am hoping that you recognize that you can have your OWN, personal reaction! If you want to be there for your daughter, I hope you will be able to say that to your family members. I hope that you could suggest to each person to make their own decision. I hope that you are able to remind them that this is your child’s identity- not theirs. While they may not agree with her, it is her decision alone to choose how to live her life! Yes, you may be disappointed with her choice, you may not agree with her lifestyle, it may even be in conflict with your values. But she is an adult. She has the right to feel at peace within herself. It will take time for everyone to take this news in and adjust!! Please give yourself time. Share your struggle with your daughter. Tell her you are trying! Let your family members know you can’t simply dismiss her from your life because you don’t agree with her…you will continue to love her!

      • Lisa November 6, 2016 at 10:59 pm #

        My daughter what’s to be a boy to she is 13 I’m so afraid for her and I just don’t know what to do or say

      • jane February 18, 2017 at 10:04 pm #

        Its ok Kristen. You have done a wonderful job raising your child. Your only job now is too support. I know your pain but as Mums we have to put our kids first. It will all be okay.

      • Heather Burns May 28, 2017 at 1:59 am #

        I am going through the same situation. I support my child in his decision but sometimes I feel that isn’t enough because I don’t know what he’s going through…wanting to be a boy and feels he’s trapped in the wrong body.

      • transmom June 1, 2017 at 10:00 pm #

        I hear you, Heather! I don’t know if we as moms can ever feel like we are completely supporting our kid in the way we want to when we totally don’t understand our child’s perspective. In addition, if they are older and really can’t or are not interested in sharing details or feelings, it is easy for us moms to really feel on the outside of this journey!! We are involved. We are committed. But we can feel one step behind and left out!

        Please know that you are not alone in this experience!!

        I encourage you to continue to actively reach out to your child. Sometimes just asking, “Is there anything I can do that I am not doing yet?” can be an opener for a conversation. Offering, “I want you to know that I am hear to listen to whatever you have on your mind- positive or negative.” may be super reassuring to your child! They may not act on your offer now, but they may in the future. In the very least, these comments reassure your child that your commitment to them continues!! Knowing a parent is fully committed can make an ABSOLUTE difference to a Transgender child (no matter what the age!) who is experiencing bullying or struggling socially!

        Keep loving your child, Heather: you are awesome!

      • conflictedboy August 7, 2017 at 8:22 am #

        hi, i might not be a mom but i am here for mine. i think about a month ago i came out as (female to male) transgender. i wrote my mom a letter and gave it to her. she was very understanding about the entire situation and wasn’t very shocked because before i was gender nuetral. at first my mom was really supportive, whenever it was just me and her (i have 5 brothers and a step dad that don’t know) she would use he/him pronouns and stopped calling me by my birth name etc. but fast forward a month, she’s letting me shop from the “guys” section in the store, she’s letting me buy boxers and throw away all my more “feminine” clothes, and she said tomorrow she would let me order a binder. and although i know she’s trying, she’s not putting in a lot of effort. she said that she would support me and accept me, but now, all she does is use she/her pronouns, she calls me by my birth name and all the girly names she used to call me. and the worst part about it all, is that she doesn’t even check herself or say “sorry i mean _” i know that she is going through it as i am too, but she just doesn’t understand. and everytime i try to talk to her about it, she’s clueless. i was looking for a support group for parents with a transgender child, and i stumbled across your page and thought i would ask what i should do. she always told me that as long as i’m not hurting myself (i used to self harm) that she would be fine with almost anything, but now she just desides to put in no effort and she doesn’t ask me how i’m feeling about anything anymore, suggestions???

      • transmom August 8, 2017 at 12:56 am #

        Thanks for taking the time to write so thoughtfully, Conflictedboy!!
        Ughhh- transition can be challenging enough- and now this disappointment for you…especially when your mom seemed much more actively supportive initially, ya know?! I can’t be sure why this setback- perhaps your mom is going through some denial? Perhaps subconsciously she feels if she stops acknowledging all the changes, these will no longer be “required”.

        What I do know is that your mom could use some help- just like almost every mom needs!
        -I always recommend finding a therapist well-versed in gender issues! I was blessed with finding someone super skilled! She REALLY listened, but also knew what my FTM son needed and why. I needed to hear that from someone other than my son. If you have a therapist of your own, I hope you will consider having your mom attend a session or two with you! Sometimes folks feel more open to suggestions when they come from an outside party- especially one that is experienced and perhaps of the same generation.
        -I also recommend seeing if there is a family or at least a parent support group nearby. Our group in Los Angeles was a lifesaver to me! Hearing first-hand that I was not alone was so important- it helped me heal psychically! If you live in LA, I can connect you with that group! If not, search your nearest larger city by way of the LGBT services/counselors available to see if they know of an active group.
        -You can ask your mom if she would be willing to read some of my blog pages (especially my early posts when my son was first transitioning and I had just returned from accompanying him to his top surgery). I am also very happy to talk to her via phone! You can private message me on my FB page:
        https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog/
        – I hope you will also consider sitting down and speaking with her privately. Try to find a time when you won’t be interrupted and when/where she may be more open. It’s okay if she gets defensive…take a deep breath and give her a chance to share her feelings. I hope you will have the opportunity- just as you related here- to share with your mom that you appreciate that she was initially understanding of your transition- that it was scary for you to come out, so you were relieved when she made you feel supported! I encourage you to share your confusion with how that support seems to have waned. I’m gonna bet that hearing how much your relationship with her means to you and how you love her-
        well that has got to be super important to her!
        Good luck- please keep me posted!!!

      • Erika Allen March 24, 2018 at 10:29 pm #

        I am in the same situation now but my daughter is 18 and just started hormone treatment!! I am very sad and she does not communicate with me any more either!! My heart is broken!

      • transmom March 30, 2018 at 4:22 am #

        I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this difficult time, Erika! I am not sure of her reasons for not communicating….there can be many! Some children feel that they need to “go this alone” as they perceive judgement (even when we mothers want to accept them). Other times, they simply want to assert their independence as they enter a new life.

        I encourage you to continue to reach out to your child. Let them know you want to remain in contact, that you love them and that you are ready and willing to listen and learn without judgement!

        Good luck to you!!!

      • Annie September 13, 2018 at 8:19 am #

        I feel your pain .my daughter is 25 and just started testosterone .I don’t know how to feel its all new to me she said she was lesbian but never said she was transgender til last year

      • transmom September 15, 2018 at 3:15 am #

        Annie, I know I just responded a minute ago, but I wanted to add that it is very common for people to think that they are first gay…They are finding their true identity and sometimes that is not automatic.

        A person’s identity is how they see themselves as an individual. Their sexuality is whom they are attracted to physically. These are different!

        Sitting down (NOT doing this on the run!) and having a heart-to-heart conversation about how your daughter identifies might help you. You might consider asking her respectfully for her to make some time so the two of you can talk. Let her know you want to support this change, but need to learn more about how she feels. You might explain to her that you understand that everyone around the transitioning person has their “own process”…and you want to be respectful of her process just as you would hope she would be respectful of your process.
        I hope that conversation will help you both!

      • Annie September 15, 2018 at 11:54 am #

        Thank you! That was helpful I will sit down and talk to her about it 😊

      • Debbie Casto June 7, 2019 at 1:38 am #

        I’m in the same boat. Trying to process it all. My son is 24 and told me today that he wants to transition and has started testosterone blockers.

      • transmom July 31, 2019 at 8:37 pm #

        Hi Debbie! It is a lot to process I know! Sometimes, parents are able to “see” this coming and other times not. For a friend of mine, their son was away at college, was someone that NEVER showed any signs of having identity or gender issues and in fact, had a live-in girlfriend at the time he came out to them. What seemed like out of the blue, he stopped being his usual communicative self. Finally, when pressed, he admitted to his new identity and wearing women’s clothes to class and having grown out his hair during the previous several months. They were supportive and loving- but no less shocked than you! This is OFTEN very challenging for parents to wrap their heads around! I know it was for my husband and me!!!
        My suggestion is to take lots of deep breaths! This shock and panic you may be feeling DOES pass. Over time, believe it or not, a new name and new pronouns roll off your tongue as if they were given at birth! When you speak about your child to others that do not know their previous identity, they will never guess because you will become so accustomed to your child’s new identity, that you will speak about their gender as if it has always been this current identity!
        One day, I promise you, Debbie…you will no longer be actively processing this and just living the reality! Your kid is blessed to have your support and unconditional love!

    • Carol April 17, 2016 at 9:58 pm #

      Well, I would like to know how a parent deals with this when there were no signs during childhood from his 3 other brothers or Mom and Dad or friends…until age 30?????All he told me one day was that he was starting HRT and I would see a change over the next 6 months….he has given no reason to practitioners or others….has a girlfriend who has managed to get him help having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder….it is very hurtful and has caused a lot of animosity amongst the family…….would like to know of any support groups in the Portland Oregon area……

      Reply
      • transmom April 19, 2016 at 1:15 am #

        Hi Carol!! In terms of dealing with this when you and his siblings had no idea for 30 years, I think the most recent experiences of Caitlyn Jenner and her family’s reactions are perfect to look to: hee was a “man’s man” that embodied everything masculine and had an entire world “fooled”!! It absolutely IS done- folks are afraid to live their truths because theu do not feel they are strong enough to survive the scrutiny and negative reactions! I also recommend you read Jennifer Finney Boylan’s books!! As a professor, she is a great writer!!

        Here is great news for you! There are wonderful resources in Portland!! Here are just 3 below. Please check them out!! I wish the very best to you and your family during this journey!!

        – Northwest Gender Alliance
        P.O. Box 4928
        Portland, Oregon 97208-4928
        Phone: (503)533-8787
        Email: nwgaweb@gmail.com

        -Portland’s LGBTQ community center:
        http://www.pdxqcenter.org

        -Check out Trans* Oregon:
        http://transoregon.tumblr.com/

      • Kerrie May 4, 2016 at 3:55 am #

        I’m in the same boat my son is married with kids 28yo never a sign brothers and sisters never picked anything came out of the blue, blokes, bloke now saying he will be starting hormone treatment, everyone is supporting it but I can’t bring myself to talk about it with his siblings, they all know we are found out by message a few days ago. It’s a real kick in the teeth

      • transmom May 10, 2016 at 11:18 pm #

        Kerrie- I’m sure it does feel like a kick in the teeth when you are not expecting this!! Take your time- don’t expect yourself to have the same positive and supportive reaction that everyone else has if that is not what you are feeling. But DO sit with it and write about it- get all your fears and disappointment- maybe anger? on paper…you need to make room for your own feelings. This is YOUR journey, too- be kind to yourself and take your time being thoughtful!! This will always be your son, so you get to come to understand this in your own process!!

      • SHIRLEY JONES August 20, 2016 at 2:56 pm #

        I know how that feels. My 21 year old MARRIED son just broke it to us. His wife is being very supportive of his decision. I on the other hand am grief-stricken! And have to say I don’t think I am ever going to get past the way I feel right now. The world has stole my son with lies…how can you “make” yourself happy with a man made body? I’m almost 50yrs old and if there is one thing I have learned it is you have love what you have and love yourself.

      • transmom September 7, 2016 at 6:54 pm #

        Hi Shirley. Thanks for writing! I want you to know there was a time (4 years ago) when I, too, absolutely believed that I would never get past my grief. You, too, can become less shell-shocked as time goes on. I encourage you to focus on trying to search for understanding so that you do not become locked inside your pain!

        There are certainly situations in which we are forced to “love what we have”. However, consider that live in a culture that offers us all kinds of opportunity for change. Our culture ENCOURAGES us to self-examine, become our best selves, alter our appearances, read and follow self-help books, consider plastic surgery…the list is endless and this is not even about our trans-children. Their journey is something different: it is self-driven; a private knowledge of struggle that we cannot fathom. Thier goal is to be able to successfully project an outward appearance that matches what only they know to be their true self. This is, in fact, the only way for them to be able to “love themselves”.

        Hang in there, Shirley. This is a tough road- especially when you thought you knew and understood your son! He’s turning your world on its head. But with that said, this is really about your son and how you can find your love for him and make that love available to him. Hang in there!

      • rutherford1968 April 15, 2017 at 10:23 am #

        Let me know if you want to connect and share local resources.

      • LG March 24, 2018 at 6:26 pm #

        How is your child doing? My 18 yr old son just told me he’s transitioning to female?!? No signs ever, not 1!!! Sad and shocked!!!!!!

      • transmom March 30, 2018 at 3:35 am #

        Hi LG! While I an’t say that I wasn’t completely shocked, I CAN say that I did feel very sad initially.

        What’s the saying, “A mother is only as happy as her least happy child?”

        It’s true!! Time heals! If your child is lucky enough to have support and can finally enjoy who they are authentically, then THEIR joy will become yours!!

        After six years, my son is successful in his new profession, enjoys a loving relationship, has a loving extended “chosen family”, and is confident!

        It is my sincere desire that you, too, experience the same in time!!

      • Mm August 13, 2018 at 1:50 am #

        Carol
        This is the same scenario I experienced. One day I had a 30 year old son. Then overnight I had a transgender daughter.
        From that day on it has been a nightmare.

      • transmom August 13, 2018 at 11:21 am #

        Hi Carol, I’m so sorry that your experience with your son, now daughter, feels like a nightmare. I can understand that it feels like this happened overnight- I remember how shocking it felt to me, too. It was also my experience that when I really thought about it, the signs that this transition was coming were there. I think that perhaps I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge those signs. With all the distance these years have provided, in retrospect, I believe I wasn’t really “ready” to investigate those signs. I was actually avoiding them because the reality they provided was just something I didn’t want to believe was true. It was kind of like the young child that covers their eyes and believes you can’t see them: I, too, was in a state of disbelief and, honestly, wanted to stay there. Accepting my adult child was trans was painful because I was terrified! The news was especially painful because I knew nothing of transgender folks, or the extent of my son’s pain that brought him to this place.

        So I am wondering, Carol, as you now have the benefit of hindsight, were there also signs for you? Are you able to understand what brought your child to this decision?

        I hope that you will find that talking about and processing these feelings will help you through a time of upheaval!

    • Kelly May 2, 2016 at 7:44 pm #

      My child just came out to me as FTM. I have always known that transgender is real, but I am finding my transition a little more difficult than expected — I cannot seem to call her, him or Conner instead of Cora. I want to honor my child. I want to support my child but this step is hard. Part of the reason for that is my husband. He is refusing to deal with it. I don’t know how to balance. We live in a small mountain town in CO — very conservative community unfortunately. I could really use some guidance to get us all help.

      Reply
      • transmom May 10, 2016 at 11:14 pm #

        Hi Kelly! You are doing the right thing by starting here! As you read my postings over the past four years and all of the many contributions from moms from all over the country and beyond, you will see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! We ALL struggle with this change- this is NOT easy!! ESPECIALLY when we are having to face this without complete support from family members!! I encourage you to continue to reach out- even if it is through sharing your feeling online like this, or seeingif there is a couselor in your area that you can travel to every few weeks maybe? I am happy to speak to you by phone and know other moms that would be happy to as well!! How old is your child? You can always message me on my FB page with this same name, “Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children”

      • Kelly May 13, 2016 at 9:15 pm #

        Thanks transmom. I found a counselor that we will go to tomorrow. I am hoping that he can help guide us through this transition as a family. I am in this weird place where I am desperate for guidance but almost afraid to get it. I posted here, but was afraid to come back and read. I also realize I put too many details in my username and post. Is there a way I can edit that and change my username?

      • transmom May 17, 2016 at 7:44 am #

        Hi Kelly- I just your previous post. I’m so happy you found a counselor to help you and your family!! I understand your reluctance to get the guidance- I had that feeling, too! It’s like if you just stay paralyzed, it won’t all be so real….tackling this is hard because new can be so scary! But you have this!! You will be great!!

      • jane February 18, 2017 at 10:17 pm #

        I has my daughter Come out as ftm at 14 and it felt like i Was going to die. I slowly pulled myself together and started accepting it, Even though others couldnt …My son is 18 now and im okay…give yourself as much time as you need. Ps..my husband and i didnt make it and thats okay too.

      • transmom February 20, 2017 at 9:08 pm #

        You bring support, Jane, and I appreciate that! We often do not talk about how relationships that are important to us may be lost during our struggle to step up for our children! We don’t want to know ahead that there could be “collateral damage”. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t survive, but I hear that you have realized that you are okay even though we know how difficult that must have been! You are truly a warrior mom, Jane! Kudos to you!!

      • Cheryl August 18, 2018 at 4:59 pm #

        This is what I’ve been looking for!!!! My child just informed my husband and I about a year ago. I knew that she was gay. Could care less. When she said “trans” I was stunned. Told her that I would love her even if she glued a horn to her head and called herself a unicorn! But now………. The pronouns are awful! And now we are talking about having “top surgery” to have her breasts removed. The clothes, the hormones, the name, but the actual mutilation of her body has me freaked. I don’t know what if anything I can say.

      • transmom August 19, 2018 at 9:18 pm #

        Hi Cheryl!
        I know first-hand how it somehow becomes more “real” when surgery becomes the topic of conversation!
        But here’s the thing: to our children, the bodies they were born with ARE ALREADY mutilated-they feel and appear SO INCREDIBLY WRONG to them that our transgender kids can’t wait to “fix” them! And they are willing to do almost anything to make this happen! So many will leave our country to find surgeons they can afford another countries! So many others will physically and permanently ruin their backs by tightly binding on a daily basis. And the ones who can’t find support or the means to complete their transitions physically may result in feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing!

        I know you don’t want this gif your child, Cheryl!

        I ask you to consider how desperate your (now) son may feel. Think about if you had to struggle “pass” each and every day to try to convince others that you are indeed the identity you project! Then imagine that you would be free of that pain and fear because you could have surgery and hormones to make your identity a reality!

        Cheryl, I know if you will consider these realities, you will have not only a better understanding of your son, but new found compassion and empathy!!

  6. lauren April 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    so much love to you!

    Reply
  7. Sheila linderman April 19, 2012 at 1:03 am #

    I feel so lucky to know both of you! Big hugs, although not too tightly to D for right now.

    Reply
  8. Sheri Mobley April 19, 2012 at 2:58 am #

    The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. You are both loving and accepting people. You are the BEST example of a mother and child (albeit now an adult child). Love you both. XO Sheri

    Reply
  9. Cyndi April 19, 2012 at 5:29 am #

    Awesome! Love you guys… great picture ❤

    Reply
  10. Terri April 19, 2012 at 5:38 am #

    Don’t know who’s luckier. You or D. You’re both phenomenally remarkable for showing others how to travel new roads. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  11. Carol Berk April 20, 2012 at 4:36 am #

    Know that you’re both surrounded by the love you so deserve. You are indeed truly worthy.

    Reply
  12. Roxanne Kaplan May 3, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

    My son is 27 yrs old and is also FTM. I think it is wonderful that you are offering help to those in crisis…bless you!

    Reply
    • transmom May 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

      Thanks soooo much! I know that I always feel better talking to other moms having similar experiences!!! Continue to embrace the journey the best way you know how!

      Reply
      • Melissa April 5, 2019 at 2:58 am #

        How do you embrace the journey?

      • transmom April 9, 2019 at 10:04 pm #

        I have learned to appreciate life in different ways than I previously did!
        -I embrace the journey everyday that I know my child wakes up to live another day.
        -I am actively embracing the journey when I celebrate my child’s accomplishments and sharing them proudly with others.
        -I embraced the journey by joining a parent support group and by reading books about transgender folks.
        -I embrace the journey when I realize I am using the new pronouns and my kid’s chosen name.
        -I embrace the journey when I realize I dream about my kid as he is and no longer as he appeared previously.
        -I embrace the journey when I accept that my kid really isn’t comfortable with certain pictures in the house and I willingly put them away because I know it serves my kid’s heart.
        -I embrace the journey when I can take a deep breath and joke that I don’t know how I got in “line for this train” but I am happy that I am on it.
        – I know I have embraced the journey when I realize I am a MUCH better mom and human thanks to the strength and integrity of my SON!!!

      • Dez April 9, 2019 at 11:55 pm #

        This is so beautiful! I couldn’t have captured my sentiments better. When my daughter came out to me Christmas Eve two and a half years ago, her entire life suddenly made sense. I LOVE being her mom. She indeed makes me a stronger, braver, better person. You go mama!

      • transmom April 14, 2019 at 2:45 am #

        Thank you for sharing your pride, Dez!! I love how you love you child no matter what!!!

      • Dez April 9, 2019 at 11:55 pm #

        This is so beautiful! I couldn’t have captured my sentiments better. When my daughter came out to me Christmas Eve two and a half years ago, her entire life suddenly made sense. I LOVE being her mom. She indeed makes me a stronger, braver, better person. You go mama!

      • transmom May 3, 2019 at 10:00 pm #

        How lovely, Dez!!! I LOVE that other moms hear how after 2 years, your take-away is feeling stronger, braver and being a better person!! THANK YOU!

      • Jody April 9, 2019 at 10:49 pm #

        For me it was more of “accept the journey”. My world was turned upside down. That being said, my love for my child was what it always was, and is. My husband’s response when we first found out, and I quote: “We can have a live daughter or a dead son, I’m goin with the daughter”. He’s an awesome man and father. Not everyone has that.
        I still struggle when people stare. I don’t embrace those moments. I hate those moments, but I use those experiences to remind me of what I care to focus on. My daughter has not yet had feminization surgery. When she does, I suspect she will be quite stunning. Her outsides will match her insides. In the mean time, I completely embrace her. She is such a remarkable person. This journey, for me, like most journies has some boulders on the road. And sometimes, when I least expect it the ride is really smooth. I embrace those times.

      • transmom April 14, 2019 at 2:44 am #

        Thanks so much for sharing, Jody! You are a wonderful model of unconditional love and I know your daughter feels it and appreciates you! I love how you remind us to weather the rough days and embrace the smooth days!! Thank you!!

  13. Julie M. May 8, 2012 at 1:23 am #

    You and B. are a shining example of how it should be. D. looks so happy, and in the end that’s what it’s all about–raising happy, healthy, kind children. You’re such an inspiration to me!

    Reply
  14. Sheryl Diamond May 17, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

    You are a fabulous mother and so happy to hear how much D loves you as we all do!

    Reply
  15. janet October 5, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    Thank you for filling this void by sharing your journey.

    Reply
  16. janet September 15, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

    I am new to this, just got the news yesterday.. Don’t know how to feel about things yet. still in shock! My son is 18 years old,.a lot of tears so far.

    Reply
    • transmom November 7, 2013 at 1:18 am #

      Sorry for the late response…I have been away from blogging since summer. Guess I became complacent when all things were going well on my end. Apologies!
      I hope you are doing well as you travel on this journey…by now the initial shock has passed and you have started to deal with your new reality….I am wondering how you are doing. Have you found support in family? Friends? Hopefully, this crazy-making stage will subside and you will find support as your child finds themselves!

      Reply
  17. mary December 13, 2013 at 3:00 am #

    My son won’t talk of see me since his desire to go trans. Its as if he blames me. I miss him so much my heart hurts. He used to talk to his sister and would say horrible things about me, but now he won’t even speak to her because she lives with me.

    I don’t understand how any of this got this messed up. All I know is I don’t want any more time to pass its been 7 years since I’ve seen him.

    Reply
    • transmom January 2, 2014 at 7:20 pm #

      I am so sorry to hear about your struggle to communicate with your son! As mothers, we only want to be able to stay connected and love our kids unconditionally. With time passing as it has, I think it just may have gotten “easier” for him to stay out of touch, rather than deal with the feelings that led to this estrangement. I believe that you should never lose hope…keep trying to connect…offer to start anew! Good luck to you- may 2014 be the year that you reunite!

      Reply
  18. Cathy Jo Retter July 24, 2014 at 10:35 pm #

    I am in the continuing process of trying to educated myself…I had always thought of my daughter as gay…now she’s telling me she is transgender…has completed 3 months of being on “T”…female to male…she is 28…she officially told me she was attracted to women in 2005…now she wants to change in body from female to male…I really am trying to understand…this is the first site I have googled on this topic…any help would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • transmom July 29, 2014 at 6:47 pm #

      Dear Cathy Jo,
      I hope that you realize that you are NOT alone in your feelings of confusion…I, too, thought my son was gay…I knew he was different but honestly, transgender issues were not even on my radar…I knew gay folks so that was a comfortable way for me to understand him…although I wasn’t understanding him at all as it turned out! It took me time..and reading…and finding a local support group…and a great therapist to finally wrap MY head around the identity of my child. I am soooo happy to say that I am confident that you, too, CAN absolutely get to a place of comfort and acceptance! You are taking those first steps right now in the right direction! Like Gloria that also just wrote in…you are a loving mom that just wants to continue loving her child…you ARE!! Keep reading and seeking support! Write any time!!

      Reply
  19. Gloria July 25, 2014 at 8:12 pm #

    My beautiful daughter is becoming a boy. For 20 years – I had a daughter. She was a model. We shared clothes
    We traveled and shared other experiences.
    Today, she told me that her name has been changed. Her license and passport too. She is turning 24.
    I am still in shock!
    I have watched her change. She cut her beautiful long hair. She started growing facial hair and dressing like a man.
    I have had to erase the past 20 years of my life.
    We no longer have family photos
    What do I do?

    Reply
    • transmom July 29, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

      Dear Gloria,
      First give yourself a hug- you are seeking help and that means that you are heading in the right direction! I know now it is hard to believe, but you do NOT have to erase 20 years of joy…those 20 years brought your (then) daughter great joy and love and has allowed truth to come out of your relationship! Yes, maybe the family photos are something that your son wants you to put away…and I respect that request…but I would recommend that you choose one or two pictures that YOU love and want to remember and you place those somewhere private- where you can see them and enjoy them. You child is not dead or gone- only transformed- and now the authentic person they need to be! Yes- this is ABSOLUTELY a huge shock for you…it doesn’t sound like you anticipated this change. Have you been able to sit down and talk about this change and let your son know that you are struggling? I hope you will be able to tell him that you are trying to understand, to cope…and to help you understand. I would also hope you could find a local parents support group and even a therapist that is experienced in trans issues! These are things that REALLY helped me out when I was most confused. I promise you…you WILL still be the loving mother that you have always been!! Please let me know how you are doing!!

      Reply
  20. Aline Queen July 28, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

    Hi!

    I found your blog while doing research for my music project, and saw all of the comments. I wanted to comment and write to everyone:

    My name is Aline Queen, I am a singer-songwriter from NYC and I just released a new music video called “SuperFreak” which was produced by Scott Jacoby (John Legends producer). The video is in the vain of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and was produced by Scott Jacoby (Grammy winning producer-John Legend, Vampire Weekend etc..). It features artists Terra Jole (little person), Brix Nobody (tattoo artist/model), Mem Nahadr, and many others. I wanted to send you the link hoping you could share it with your artists and fans, to raise awareness and celebrate anyone that is unique and different. I thought you all would appreciate knowing about it/watching it, and feel empowered by it.

    Aline

    Reply
  21. Donna October 10, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    I weep as I typed this…. At no time EVER did my son seem anything other then “all boy” then in May 2013 he told me he was going to become a girl. My first that was WHY??? Its not something ANYONE should volunteer for!! IT IS FREAKING HARD WORK BEING FEMALE!!! Oh wait HE is only going to be partly female hormones and then destruction of his physical form to “represent” as female.(if he goes through with the surgery) A name change, hormones, atheist, and a complete change of HIS WHOLE life… This all started in 2012/2013ish time frame. He was 24 at that time. Out of the navy and looking to attend college as pre-med. I was over the moon he was home… and going to go to college in state so we would have more time together. Then it all changed. Now he wants to be a girl/new name/and he is doing “women’s studies” as a college degree.Really? Women’s studies? Guess it is lesson’s in how to be a girl/woman. Who knew? As to that idea … that he always felt like a girl on the inside? Go ahead explain that to me? Cause I as a woman haven’t EVER noted that there is a WAY to Feel Female? Is there one that feels male? He may have felt different… It is presumptive to say he was feeling “female” . Might as well say he was feeling like a giraffe… I have days when I feel DIFFERENT!! IT IS NOT ABOUT MY PHYSICAL VS MENTAL/EMOTIONAL Being!!!! It is the circumstances I am living in and situations I am dealing with… For over a year I TRIED SO HARD!!! Shopping, talking, understanding,research, meetings, kindness, respect, and all a mother gives her children. Here I am months later after EXPRESSING MY OWN FEELINGS… Of how I missed my son and the CONNECTION we shared. How we had much to talk about, the understanding, and deep love… Of how while a parent expects a child to grown and have their own ideas…. that on some level there would still be somethings in common that connects them. I have been dismissed from my son’s life because I thought I was safe to share my feelings even though they were/are still in conflict with this choice. Ignored/unfriended… So my son left for the navy and never returned…. My story is so much more then this…. I mourn … I am angry… I hurt… I am alone….

    Reply
    • transmom December 4, 2014 at 2:08 am #

      I am so sorry for your loss! Of course you are mourning as well as feeling angry and alone! This is not what you wanted for your relationship – the connection you envisioned having with your adult child- the son you raised. THIS IS HUGE for you as a parent!

      With that said, though, I encourage you to try to imagine how hard it is for your daughter now- she has lost her parent (yes, I know this seems to be her choice right now), but for her reasons, she doesn’t feel able to carry on your relationship. This is a significant loss for BOTH of you. And I am guessing, if she is even at all lucky compared to the majority of transfolk- she will have also lost MANY of the other important supports in her life. I’m not guessing many (any?) friends from the navy have be supportive. Earlier friends? Family? Exactly how many are really supportive now? To COMPLETELY change one’s identity and how one functions in the world as an adult is incredibly, ridiculously difficult. Let’s be honest: isn’t it much more difficult to be male and pass as a female than a female passing as a male? Hormones take time; beards don’t magically disappear; deep voices continue to resonate. Why would she “choose” this?? Imagine wondering every second of the day as you try to negotiate a world that statistically is extremely aggressive and dangerous for transfolk- imagine wondering if you are going to be “outed” publicly, shunned, or ridiculed? I know I would not be able to cope emotionally! Your daughter has guts!- an AMAZING amount of courage to take this on- to live her authentic life!!

      Yes, you DO have your own feelings- but first, you are her mom. Unconditional love means admitting to her that you don’t get it, that you are worried for her, but that NO MATTER WHAT, you will stand by her and love her and accept her. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR CHILD- no matter if wearing a dress and going by a different name. You wouldn’t question her right to be who she is if she were burned beyond recognition…no need to resort to that now….I believe you CAN recognize your child and love her!! Keep sending those messages out to her- don’t give up!!

      Reply
      • Donna November 11, 2015 at 4:34 pm #

        It is over a year later…. The only contact I had with my child was a few texts I sent in reference to some their belongings left at my house. Awful texts in response rude and hurtful…. Others who read them were bewildered and shocked… The texts were so unlike my child and did not even come close to reality. My mind whirls on this subject round and round…. trying to bring some type of understanding… truly all I have come up with is this is a Societal Construct that is Popular right now. The avoidance of addressing Mental illness astounds me. It is NOT my/a OPINION… IT IS A FACT!!! Born Male=Boy/Man Born Female= Girl/Woman. So the mental and emotional do not match the physical- Address the Mental/Emotional concerns… Do not alter the physical body… 😦

      • transmom November 17, 2015 at 4:50 am #

        Hi Donna- I am dismayed to hear that you think that a child would change their gender merely because it seems “Popular” right now. I gotta tell you, we hear about this on the news, but this is NOT popular: this is a HARD, DIFFICULT life- one that is not widely accepted. Trans folks struggle to find employment, housing and stability. They are frequently scrutinized and doubted alike by strangers as well as the folks that used to be supportive. Trans folks face violence in ways we would never imagine! Yet- they put themselves on the line, day in and day out, living through such challenges because they absolutely must. I wouldn’t last a day- I’m not that brave. This life is not one that ANY transgender individual chooses frivolously!

    • Susan January 22, 2015 at 9:41 am #

      You are not alone. My daughter has just pushed me away on the day prior to her surgery. I had gone all the way to Thailand with her to support her only to be turned upon and accused of all sorts including going there to stop her. Some of her last words to me were ” Quite honestly, I don’t know how I came out of you.” Broken hearted does not begin to describe how I feel. I had no choice except to return home. Her surgery should just be finished around now. I too have been defriended and have no way of contact.

      Reply
    • Lisa September 6, 2015 at 7:46 am #

      I am so sorry for you. I connected with everything you said. My son has been working in San Francisco for a year and now all of a sudden he came home with this very same news! I was angry, sad , unbelieving, and bitter. I have experienced every emotion over the last 3 weeks that I have ever known. I am beginning to think there is some kind of cult taking over these young people’s minds and twisting them into thinking they are the wrong gender! What is happening to our children? My son hasn’t spoken to me for about two weeks when I expressed my anguish about this! How does a 26 year old good looking guy w
      It’s a strong jaw and almost 6 feet tall think he is a girl? I don’t get it. He even accused me of doing something wrong in my pregnancy blaming me! I am divorced and if he tells my ex-husband I know it’s going to be very scary for him because my ex-husband is not very understanding about anything of that sort. I have gone to church I prayed for him and have not slept much I’m worried about my daughter who’s a type 1 diabetic and how it’s going to hurt her also. He seems to have turned into some selfish person some foolish selfish person I don’t know. I am distraught with pain and agony over this snd my hopes and dreams for him I’m not going to come true.
      I could live with the fact that he might be gay but he says he is not he likes girls. So how is that supposed to work ? He is going to marry another girl who accepts this? Fat chance of that happening. He is so naive! No woman will accept that . I’m afraid my son and most of these kids are suffering from mental illness. Being a woman is exhausting why would anyone want to subject themselves to that! I’m with you some days I don’t feel very feminine so what am I supposed to do then assume I should start becoming a man?? This is all so stupid and confusing and I don’t know what to do or say to him fearing that I will allenate him further!
      I hope your son returns to you. My sister says its just a phase, I think the devil has a hold of these kids and the liberal society is saying it’s ok to be whatever you want! I opt for butterfly then so I can flitter away from this mess!

      Reply
      • transmom September 6, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

        Thanks for writing, Lisa! You inspired me to write a post that I hope you will read and consider. It may take reading it today and then again in a week, and then again in a month. It is my hope that you will meet your son where he is in his transition- just focusing on the love you share!

      • Carol Schmidtd October 12, 2015 at 9:18 am #

        My age 52 trans “daughter” has a hard time finding and keeping a janitor job with benefits. After we put him through 7 years of post- high-school education, “she” needs help with rent and car expenses. She came out in 2000 and lost her union cleaning job about 4 years ago when it was outsourced.

        Wish I did not feel so resentful! All the extra love and $$$ spent on private high school, etc. were a waste of resources. We now are in our 70s and want to move to a senior residence that will cost much more than our own single-family house. Neither of our kinds will be around to help us in any way. They live in a different state.

        Anyone else have a middle-aged trans kid wanting financial help? If yes, how are you coping?

      • transmom October 12, 2015 at 7:29 pm #

        Yikes, Carol! I hope you can find some support from our moms here!

        To be honest, I have not had personal experience with your particular concerns. I would imagine, however, that this is not solely a problem for adult Transgender folks: I know more and more older parents are having their children come home- not just for a while- but to stay for extended periods! And so many adult children are also requiring ongoing help financially. So many families are experiencing similar issues.

        You may be forced into thinking of yourself first financially. Of course you will always be supportive emotionally for her! You can always help her make calls looking for positions or helping her search online for groups that will be of service to her. But at some point, you need to know that she is an adult and you have to take care of your own future!! Letting your daughter know that this is coming will be important. Reminding her that nothing has or will change your love and devotion is key- but so is reminding her that you and your husband have a responsibility to plan for your future. No one will be taking care of you and your husband, so that needs to be a a high priority. Your daughter can make important decisions and plans when she has advanced notice.

        My opinion: Bottom line: If you are not there for yourself first, you will not be able to be there for your daughter!

        The best to you, Carol!!

      • Liz February 5, 2019 at 12:48 am #

        I feel your pain, my daughter also says she is going to transition to a men and she continues having crushes on men and say she will marry a boy, this is all twisted. It all started when she was 17 after going several nights without sleep she finally broke down and went into psychosis. When in the hospital she starting talking like she was living inside of a book story(this being Percy Jackson) she was calling everyone by Greek names and saying she was nico de Angelo and constantly escaping to the boys ward and lookiing for Will Solace (saying he was her soul
        mate) after several weeks they were able to stablelized her and she gave up her fantasy. Some how she is being hospitalized six times I two years, and so far has a diagnosis of bipolar and squizoactive desorder, some how she always bring back Nico de Angelo every time. She is fixieted wit this character. She is being treated by some of the best Drs. In the area and from the bigining they said it was not an LGTB issue but mental illness. Ever since I have never been able to have a
        rational conversation with her. She continues to talk about boys. She currently has a crush on a guy that physically will fit the profile of Will Solace and she does not understand how he is not interested in her. I try to explain that no strait guy is going to date a boy. She does not quite get that. By the way she only twenty and I think a transition will not solve the problem. I was explained by the phsytrist Gender dysphoria is often a side effect of the bipolar, which it explains her fixation. I no longer see LGTB issues as a fad but as an underling of a mental condition.

      • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:00 pm #

        I agree…it does not sound from what you explain of your daughter’s history, that transitioning is going to “solve” her problems. Sadly, she has severe mental health issues…this is not a fad for her or anyone else, but it is also not a solution for her either.

    • journeyahead September 7, 2015 at 1:34 pm #

      How are things going for you now? My journey is just beginning and I’m going through all the same feelings that you have expressed. Mourning is a good word, because this whole process has blindsided me and I’m mourning the loss of my child.

      Reply
      • transmom September 7, 2015 at 8:53 pm #

        Journeyahead, What an apt screen name! I think most moms of transgender kids have to go through this stage of mourning. When we make the important decision to bring a life into the world, we are involved with this child from conception through the remainder (hopefully) of our lives! And with that devotion, comes our trying to bring to them the best in life possible. And so our dreams begin. We see all the possibility for our children and our dreams become enmeshed with theirs. This child that we have come to recognize is now, well, unrecognizable. But it’s so very important to realize that they are not gone, or dead. Thank God, they are only transformed. When my son first became my son, I used to wonder if I would have felt any different had he, instead of becoming trans, had been unrecognizable from being burned in an accident. I realized, had that been the case, I would have also mourned the loss of the child I had loved seeing, but knowing he still the sweet, loving soul I knew, I wouldn’t have taken it so personally. I had to learn to get out of my own way and learn to love my child unconditionally. Turns out, that’s not as easy as it sounds sometimes for some of us. I hope for you, Journeyahead, that the road is smoother than most!

    • saintmagdalena December 8, 2015 at 6:12 pm #

      Donna, I feel your pain. I am also astounded by the lack of counseling and mental health evaluation/consideration necessary before hormones and surgery,etc. Not one on this site has any idea what the long term consequences will be for their children.
      To be happy.
      Be careful about that.
      Mastectomies? Oophorectomies? Genital mutilation? On perfectly healthy bodies in order “to be healthy?”

      Reply
      • transmom December 11, 2015 at 2:39 am #

        You are right, Donna- we don’t know the future of having these transformative surgeries. At the same time, I can tell you that my son, for one, no longer lives in pain and agony due to his previous chest binding! Unfortunately, binding causes an imbalance in the musculature of the upper body, limits lung capacity, and prevents good posture. Pain in the shoulders, neck, and upper back is a common side effect. Top surgery freed my son from pain. In addition, the hormones and surgery, allowed him to “pass” safely in a world that might otherwise otherwise call him out, cause him violence or even incarcerate him- yes, it is illegal to use the opposite gender’s bathroom. Would YOU have your child endure such pain, degredation, and see them potentially threatened if THEY knew this was what THEY needed for THEIR safety and freedom? Nope! I’m sure you wouldn’t- Let’s give them a life they can actually live!!

      • Angel July 10, 2019 at 8:11 pm #

        I have to agree about the counseling and evaluations and you would think doctor or child would want to go to counseling/support groups especially with the mom if they really want their mom to fully understand.

      • transmom July 31, 2019 at 11:20 pm #

        Hi Angel! Yes! Counseling and Evaluations are important. Unfortunately, not everyone has access to these services! And also unfortunate, many children feel judged and unsupported by their families so they do not seek out this kind of support. It is sad that there is a negative reaction to therapy in some cultures…this may put transgender children and their parents at a disadvantage as they take this journey!

        Therapy and support groups were KEY to not only my support, but providing support for my kid- I wish the same for EVERYONE!!!

    • Cathy February 14, 2016 at 6:12 am #

      I understand completely how you feel. I am angry and you are not alone. I am sorry for your pain and wished I had words of wisdom for you. My son told us two years ago that he aas transgender. Since then he has started college in the same town but rooming with another girl and is posting his self on social media as a woman. My issue that I deal with is that my husband, his father, does not want him back in our house. So the only time I see my child is when I make contact with him outside of our home. I feel once he is finished with college I will no longer see him.

      Reply
      • transmom February 24, 2016 at 12:14 am #

        That must be sooo hard for you, Cathy! I can imagine that you could feel trapped in this battle of allegiance between your (now) daughter’s father and your daughter. But the relationship that you desire has to be on your terms: only you know if your are willing to “fight” to continue your relationship with your daughter – even under the potential disagreement from your husband. I believe that it is up to you and your daughter to decide what that relationship will be like after college. I believe you need to have that talk with her in person and be able to discuss your fears as well as your hopes for your future relationship!! Good luck to you!!

  22. Sarah January 7, 2015 at 1:41 am #

    Here WE go…

    Such a beautiful day yesterday when my 28 yr old son confided in me that he will be transitioning to become the girl he has always felt he has been inside. I am incredibly proud of him for coming out and honored that he talked with me first. I will be by his side through whatever he goes through in his life, and I look forward to him feeling comfortable in his own skin. My son is a very successful person in so many areas of his life… career, hobbies, friends, family. The one place that I have known for years that he was unhappy was with dating. What he told me yesterday explained all of that.

    My son left the country for a week-long vacation this morning. He told me not to tell anyone yet about his upcoming transformation. Not my husband (his stepdad), not my BFF, not his siblings. Part of his process is to sit with each of these important people in his life and come out in his own way. I support this 150%!

    Now I sit here alone today thinking, “but what about me?” Fortunately my BFF lives in another county and my husband is out of town this week. But I realllllly need to talk to someone. I am mourning my beautiful son right now. It doesn’t matter at this moment that I know this is best for him. Or that I am truly excited for him. Right now I am alone with me and not allowed to discuss this. I have tried to contact support here in the Seattle area, but did not get a reply yet today. So I am sitting here crying, writing on a blog to people I don’t even know, drinking a dirty martini with 2 olives (that’s what I would have shared with my mom when she was alive). Seriously, thanks for having this platform so I can get some of this negativity out of me. But I really need a hug.

    Reply
    • transmom January 8, 2015 at 9:08 pm #

      Awww- Wish I was there with you to give you a hug- you deserve many! You are a supportive mom that is demonstrating the unconditional love that your now daughter will need!! Please add me as a friend via Transforming love and send me a message- we can talk more privately there!! Meanwhile, keep hanging in there and know you are a GREAT mom-

      Reply
    • worriedmamma February 16, 2015 at 12:36 am #

      Thanks for writing. You are a tiny bit ahead of my process, and that makes it really helpful to me to read your post. I just heard from my 18 year old son yesterday that he is considering his gender identity, and thinks he might be female. This morning, he showed me the girl’s shirt he bought online last night. I am so glad he trusts me and confided in me, and I am giving him all the support I can.

      I am also experiencing the overwhelming sense of confusion and need to talk –but he asked me not to tell anyone. I’m so proud of him for his bravery, and I know that’s he’s been going through something but he hadn’t been letting me in. So this is a positive — him talking to me, him facing whatever he needs to explore. At the same time, what my greatest fear is — and what I most thot about in the minutes in which we talked — was his safety. His younger sister has struggled with depression and suicidality for a few years, and it’s been very, very difficult. So what I heard him say, in essence, was “I am now at a higher risk for suicide.” I know this is not fair. And I know that it’s a positive that he’s talking to me. But I am so scared.

      Reply
      • Sarah February 18, 2015 at 10:51 pm #

        Since my last comment, my son has come out to friends and family, with a 99% rate of support. He has said that he feels like he is “cheating the system” due to all of the support he has received. I am working very hard to say “she”, so here goes…

        She picked us up at the airport a few days ago when we returned from a vacation with friends. She was wearing girls clothing and shoes, makeup and boobs! My friend had knitted my former son a cute headband with a flower as a symbol of her support. She put it on immediately and didn’t take it off all day 🙂

        We went to the grocery store where she and my husband took off to grab a few things while I chose other things. It was obvious to us that a few people were staring. When we got home, we had a conversation about how it felt to be at the store, dressed as a woman. She said she was self-conscious, but she consciously held her head high and tried to be confident. She said the weirdest part of the day was wearing boobs in front of us, since we know she doesn’t have any yet. I explained that every girl stuffs her bra as she is developing, and that’s just part of becoming a woman.

        So, we are actually having some fun with this new idea and it is bringing us closer, as it seems is happening with you and your child. The suicide rate for transgenders is 40%, from what I’ve read. Why would we not support our kids?

        When I first wrote on this site, I was contacted by a couple of women who had been through what our family is experiencing. I seriously cannot thank them enough for their comments and support. I was also fortunate enough to find a great transgender counselor and support group in the Seattle area. The more people and families I talk to, the more I know we are all going to get through this unusual time in our lives. My youngest daughter is getting married this spring and has always pictured her two siblings walking her down the aisle. That is still going to happen, except she will be escorted by one proud brother and one proud sister.

        I hope you are able to help your child find a support group in your area so that questions can be asked and answered in a safe environment. This is a scary and exciting time for all who know our kids, but ultimately our kids are being authentic to what their hearts tell them.

        I went back and read the journal I have kept for my child. In the beginning I wrote that I didn’t care if he were a boy or a girl. That I just wanted a healthy baby. The feeling is different now that I have known my kid as a boy, but I still ultimately want a healthy child.

      • Tracy March 1, 2015 at 4:30 pm #

        I’m hoping that because you posted a while back, that you’re able to give me some positive news on how things are going.
        My first thought too, was fear! I feel scared for my child’s safety and what people could do to him.
        It’s only myself and his girlfriend that know so far.
        Any advice would be great.

    • Evan's Mom June 22, 2015 at 8:39 pm #

      I hope you are doing better than you were in Jan when you first posted. I know that my son Evan (22) asked the same of me when he first came out as a transgender man. He asked me not to tell anyone. He was away at college and he said he would do it in his own time. Frankly, I was simply a mess for weeks not be able to get support from my husband or my mother. Eventually both of them asked me what was wrong. I was not eating, did not want to work, falling into depression. I did eventually tell both of them before Evan was able to. I made that decision because in order for me to be there for Evan I needed the help of the other two people I trust most in the world beside Evan. When I told Evan he was a bit peeved but I asked him to understand that this is a challenging time for the whole family and we all need to support and love each other through it. He understood and grew to respect my decision. Together we are there for Evan every day and in every way through this transition. My husband and I have grown closer together in the support of our son. It’s a journey and one I would much rather be on with Evan than he withdraw and pull away from us. I always try to keep perspective ..I have a sister who lost her son to a horrible aggressive bone cancer at 22 years old. She will mourn the loss of he child forever. And while our situations should not be minimized, it is certainly better to have our child here with us than not. I hope time has helped. Also as pointed out therapy and support groups are great.

      Reply
      • transmom June 29, 2015 at 5:53 pm #

        Dear Evan’s Mom- Thanks for checking in on Sarah!! Time can do wonders as we negotiate this often difficult journey. I am happy that you pointed out that your son’s transition has strengthened your relationship with your husband! There are so many positives to be gained through challenges!! I feel more connected, too, to my husband. I feel as if I am more open personally. Having to disclose this to so many people took risk on our parts: would people judge our parenting? Would people negatively judge our child and if so, how would we respond? How will we come across as supportive of our son and not defensive of ourselves? During this process, I learned exactly who mattered in our lives, who steps up when they are needed, and how I, in turn, can be there for folks for all kinds of issues. I applaud Evan’s Mom in checking in on you, Sarah! Please let us know how you are doing!!

    • Cynthia Dickey July 18, 2015 at 3:05 pm #

      I am JUST now reading this…but experiencing the EXACT same thing…I just found out a week ago (my initial post is down below a ways)…I am the only person who knows, and I am SO proud of my son, now daughter…and while he appeaered to be all boy to me before…he has never dated and was always awkward with girls…and I have always been so worried about him for that reason (he’s a 23 year old graduate of UT university…very successful…but never dated)…so this explains SO much. We have been closer this week than we have EVER been…but I am going nuts being alone in the knowing…and at times when I’m alone…still mourning my son. So I would like to know…now that it’s been a few months for you…is it better?

      Reply
      • transmom July 20, 2015 at 3:37 am #

        Cynthia, I so appreciate your question- and will actually write that out to everyone right now!! Please look for a posting in a bit!!

    • Hopeful in Heart March 23, 2016 at 2:19 am #

      I see that this was written over a year ago, but I applaud you. You are a strong caring woman and I hope you got all the hugs you needed. My arms are now wrapping your heart too 🙂 My hope is to be as strong as you in the coming months/years.

      My 28 year old son wrote me a letter me a month ago that he has started his transition to be the girl he has always felt he was. I know this took a lot of courage on his part and I am proud of him for taking that step. We used to have a very open relationship, but when he was 16 and told me that he felt as if he were trapped in a body not his own I dismissed him and his feelings. From that day he has steadily withdrawn from me. I will not make that mistake again. I have regretted that moment for over 10 years.

      Unfortunately, I have not been able to find much support locally. While your now daughter is open with you, my son is still withdrawn. Although he says he wants to me to ask whatever questions I may have, when I ask he does not answer and I become frustrated. I understand every journey is different, but I have to believe that in some ways they are alike.

      Reading your story (and the others) on this site have been helpful. I fear for my son’s journey. It is a difficult path he is embarking and as a Mom, I want to be there for him. Thank you for sharing your story.

      Reply
      • transmom March 24, 2016 at 3:34 am #

        All of the mothers here are in many ways, warriors! We put ourselves in a painful place for the sake of another. We join our children in a fight which brings us pain and sacrifice. We stand by our children and see to their wounded hearts and spirits. We remain steadfast, even it the face of adversity. Even when some of them blame us. Even when some of us push us away. We continue to love and support unconditionally!
        Hearing that you remain, Hopeful in Heart, helps the other moms here along a similar journey. Thank you! Of course you are worried for your son- you want him to be safe and happy in a world that is often unforgiving and intolerant. As mothers of transgender children, we share the same fear: no matter how old they are…no matter how long ago they transitioned…no matter how smooth that transition was for them…our fears live close to the surface. But by supporting one another, we can see beyond the fear, and be like you, hopeful in our hearts!

      • Leigh April 16, 2016 at 12:01 pm #

        My husband and I just recently found out that our 27 year old son has gone from feeling “gender neutral” to identifying as a female. This has been very hard on us; however, we are really trying to understand but it is very difficult for us. We were also quite upset to find out that his girlfriend was able to confide in all her family first (with his permission) before he told us and the reason we were upset is we have always told him he could come to us about anything, even if we disagreed with him and short of murder, we would always love him. In the past,he has always come to us. My husband and I both are struggling through this with our son and I’m having a hard time for several reasons switching over to saying daughter. One of the reasons is because he and his girlfriend are still together and I see no future of them breaking up. He also made a comment to me that there are such things as transgender lesbians which I’m not sure, but I think he thinks he is. He still very much likes girls also so all of this is quite confusing to us. My husband especially is going through the “what did I do wrong” phase and has also said,”what if the book that has lasted for many years is right?” Don’t get me wrong. He still loves our son no matter what and so do I but we are nearing 70 years old and this is very hard on us after 27 years. Also, when we ask him questions only to try to understand, sometimes he gets irritated by the way we ask the question, but when we ask the question, we are not judgemental. We truly are just trying to understand. I have even found a LGBT/Transgender Support group in our area that I sent to him since they offer free counseling for people that are going through this until they are 28 years old and I sent him the site. I truly do love him and always will but to some extent, my heart is breaking for the loss of our son during his transition and I only hope my husband and I can find a support group for parents in our area. The other thing that bothers us is that he actually said to us, “Maybe this is just a phase I’m going through. I would think if he truly identifies as a female, that he would know for sure and not question if it is a “phase” he is going through. If he is confused, just think of how much more confused we are with what he has recently told us. All we want is for him to be happy and we more than anything, want to understand.

      • transmom April 19, 2016 at 12:53 am #

        Hi Leigh! I hear how difficult and painful this is for you and your husband! I’m sure it was even more painful to know that your son’s girlfriend was disclosing this information to others before you even knew! I personally believe that you will be better off not focusing on that part of this journey if you want to make progress on the greater issues at hand.
        I’m so impressed that you have already found counseling for your son and are continuing to search for the same for yourselves! If you can’t find a parent group, then personal counseling will also be REALLY helpful!! Perhaps the same center to which you referred your son can guide you to that same help!!
        I also recommend that you read one or more of the books on my resource list!!
        There are definitely stages we go through when it comes to loss, Leigh! Blaming ourselves is easy because if we could just “blame it away” we can find some closure. But that just won’t work here- your child has always been your child and as a 27 year old, they are still defining themselves. At 27, he gets to make that call. No, it is not easy to understand the lesbian part of it, but that is just what happens when these transitions take place. For example, from an outsider’s perspective, my son used to be considered a lesbian before his transition. Now he has a girlfriend and – voila! thanks to testosterone, he appears to be a heterosexual male!! But here’s the reality: sexual orientation doesn’t have any business in the discussion here- who your son looks like on the outside- who he identifies as- is one thing…and who he sleeps with is a whole different private conversation!

        Your son has chosen o transition and you are now on a new journey of your own!! We want to remain a part of our children’s lives, so we hop on board and hang on for dear life!! I give you a GREAT DEAL of credit!! It’s never easy to change and the older we become, sometimes the harder it can be….but you two are ON YOUR WAY!!! Keep hanging in there, keep reaching out, and keep up that dialog with your child!! You are amazing parents!!

  23. Sarah Winter February 27, 2015 at 4:54 am #

    My daughter has been transitioning to Male for a few years now. When she first discussed this with me as a teen I was very frightened and went into a deep denial. This couldn’t be happening to my beautiful daughter. I felt that I had a duty to do what I could to keep this from a reality as long as she was under 18. Of course this caused my child to have a very sad childhood. I’m sure he felt very alone and depressed. Most of his time was spent online making friends there.

    With this for many comes anxiety, depression and a deep unhappiness. He lives at home right now as he attends college. We financially support him. He is my youngest child and I have a deep emotional bond to him. The problem is that the true acceptance is still quite a difficult thing for me. He has so much anxiety that even calling out for a pizza is a challenge. Today I took him to a psychiatrist who came out after the visit and told me that if my child commits suicide it is on my head. And that I should pay for all of the t-hormones, surgery or whatever it takes to make her a male.

    I have had gone to this doctor for over fifteen years for many other health related issues. I was stunned by his reaction to me. I am not sure what my son told him but I must be a monster in my child’s heart. The reason we were there was because I insisted he come since he seemed so unable to even do the simplest things to care for himself.

    My son is highly intelligent and strives for excellence in his studies they are important to him. He has been texting me that he can’t study or finish course work, that he should die, that he should never have been born. I needed to find him help and I am sure it was helpful to him to be able to finally vent to this doctor all the rage he felt about his teen age years and the mistakes I made. All the same it left me feeling like a huge failure as a parent. I love my children and made them my life. They are all adults now and I do look back and think about how things could have been happier.

    I guess my point of writing this is to those of you who are younger and have a chance to accept your children. I suggest that you do everything you can to seek help to do just that. I’m hoping I can regain this young mans trust in me again. That I don’t have to have anything that dreadful “on my head”. I pray for true deep down acceptance that is not just on the surface. This has been difficult. I understand those of you who have felt disbelief, anger, worry, and fear. I am going to try for a new approach and that is one of being happy and positive. This wonderful human is still my child. I love him with my whole being and that will never change.

    Thanks for listening

    Reply
  24. Tracy March 1, 2015 at 4:25 pm #

    Hi,
    I’ve been reading the comments and already feel a bit better.
    My son just told me 2 days ago that he feels he was meant to be born a girl. To say I was shocked, was an understatement.
    We talked and I listened to how he contemplated suicide when puberty hit, he’s now 19, lives at home and his girlfriend lives with us too.
    I’ve cried buckets! We’ve hugged and I’ve told him I’ll be there every step of the way, but I’m scared for him, scared of what he’s going to go through and I feel a failure as a mum, because he kept this to himself for 14 years.
    He told me first and now his girlfriend knows and wants to be there for him too. My husband doesn’t know yet, but he’s a good man and I hope he can offer support too.
    Where do I start being there for him? What can I do to make this journey easy for him? I love him so dearly and just want to protect him.
    You’ve probably guessed that I had no idea about his feelings, so I’m feeling a bit of a failure as a mother right now.
    I’m so scared that he won’t be able to cope with losing friends, family etc, that he does something to himself.
    I can’t lose my baby!
    Please, I need advice.
    Thank you in advance x

    Reply
    • Sarah March 2, 2015 at 4:08 pm #

      Tracy… You are not a failure of a mother and your son obviously doesn’t believe that either or he wouldn’t have confided in you first. Offer to be there when he comes out to his father and others. Drive him to medical appointments. Read some of the books available on transitioning. Ask meaningful questions about how he is feeling.

      Hopefully he won’t lose family or friends. If someone does abandon him, they weren’t really his friend in the first place. Find a support group so he can talk to people who are in a similar circumstance, and find one for you and your husband too.

      Reply
      • Tracy March 3, 2015 at 9:17 am #

        Thank you.
        My husband, his step dad now knows too. He is a wonderful man and is supporting my son 100%. As he says, he was his child from 3 years old and loves him unconditionally. He still has his biological dad to tell and step mum, which he is dreading.

        I just want to scoop him up and protect him through this whole journey, but I know I can’t. But I will always be there and as you say, I will go to appointments, meetings etc with him and will be there all the way. I actually got my first rush of excitement for him yesterday when I picked him up. We talked and talked and hugged and talked some more, it was great. I feel like I want to spend every minute with him.

        i have a concern, as does my son about telling his brother, who is eight years his junior. He wants to tell him his self, the same way he did with his step dad. Can anyone offer any advice on the easiest way for an 11 year old to fully understand and be accepting of this news. I am so scared of them drifting apart.

        Thank you for any advice you can offer x

      • Sarah March 6, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

        Again, I am new to this, but my sister wanted to get advice from a professional on how to tell her 12 year old daughter that her cousin was going to become a woman. The professional said not to make such a big deal out of it with a child because they are typically less analytical and judgmental than adults. My niece took the news well. Her attitude was basically that it would be kinda weird seeing her male cousin as a girl, but.. whatever! 🙂

      • Tracy March 23, 2015 at 8:46 am #

        Thanks Sarah.
        Glad it went well x

    • transmom March 3, 2015 at 4:34 am #

      Hi Tracy,
      Stacy is right! Keep hanging in there and seeking support! You are a loving, generous mom!!

      Reply
      • Tracy March 3, 2015 at 9:17 am #

        I will, thank you x

  25. Scaredmum March 1, 2015 at 5:24 pm #

    Hi,
    I’ve been reading the comments and already feel a bit better.
    My son just told me 2 days ago that he feels he was meant to be born a girl. To say I was shocked, was an understatement.
    We talked and I listened to how he contemplated suicide when puberty hit, he’s now 19, lives at home and his girlfriend lives with us too.
    I’ve cried buckets! We’ve hugged and I’ve told him I’ll be there every step of the way, but I’m scared for him, scared of what he’s going to go through and I feel a failure as a mum, because he kept this to himself for 14 years.
    He told me first and now his girlfriend knows and wants to be there for him too.
    Where do I start being there for him? What can I do to make this journey easy for him? I love him so dearly and just want to protect him.
    You’ve probably guessed that I had no idea about his feelings, so I’m feeling a bit of a failure as a mother right now.
    I’m so scared that he won’t be able to cope with losing friends, family etc, scared for his safety, scared that he does something to himself.
    I can’t lose my baby!

    Reply
    • transmom March 2, 2015 at 2:30 am #

      Your are not the first nor the last on this journey, “Scaredmum”!! You have done all the RIGHT things so far! Your reaction is so common to what so many of us mothers experience that I decided to write a bit on the topic- Thanks for the inspiration!! Keep loving your son and reaching out!! Hugs to you!!

      Reply
      • Scaredmum March 2, 2015 at 7:44 am #

        Thank you.
        His step dad now knows too (he told him) and is amazing. He has told him that his love is unconditional, regardless of gender. I’m feeling so much better now that I have his support. I might have even gone 3 hours without crying! 🙂
        We all talked last night and I know it’s gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride, but we will all get through this and I hope that I will have a happy, contented child that can look in the mirror and smile.
        That is all I want.

        Thank you for your words.

  26. kmphillips March 23, 2015 at 7:13 pm #

    My son is 24 and he told me he is Transgender, his dad and I are divorced and my son hasn’t told his dad about him being Transgender yet ,its will be a year in may since I have found out and my son keeps telling me he will tell his dad but hasn’t yet , in your opinion should I tell his dad ? I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my son but I feel like his dad should know. My son does not look like a girl in front of his dad , and has moved to NY

    Reply
    • transmom March 24, 2015 at 7:49 pm #

      Hi kmphillips! Isn’t it difficult being a parent of a child at any age?! As moms, we are often able to see the bigger picture and “know” what a better choice might be! However, this is your son’s (daughter) decision! If he/she wishes to remain “stealth” to one or more people, then that is their choice!I I completely understand why you would believe it would be important to share such news with the other parent, but your child must have IMPORTANT reasons to conceal this identity! Your child is an adult and they get to make adult decisions – as well as mistakes! We moms, just remain close by to catch them when they fall!

      Reply
    • Sarah April 9, 2015 at 4:25 pm #

      Hi Cheri
      I can only speak from my own family’s situation. My son has been coming out to different people before and during transition. Some may not be until later. This is his situation and it needs to unfold within the timeline of the person in transition. There were a few people whom I thought should know sooner rather than later, so I asked my son if I could let them know. This took some of the burden off him. But I wouldn’t tell anyone with his permission.

      Reply
  27. Cheri April 8, 2015 at 2:42 am #

    Just learning that my 24 year old son is transgender. He’s been dropping hints to me for about a month now. Still pretty confused..I have a lot to learn..I just want him to be happy

    Reply
    • transmom April 9, 2015 at 4:21 pm #

      This WILL be a confusing time, Cheri! For me, it made me worry not only about how happy he would be, but how my relationship would change! Like all good moms you may be consumed with thoughts/worries about him! Please take good care of yourself during this new process! Is there a support group in your area? Hugs!

      Reply
  28. Wornout April 19, 2015 at 5:15 pm #

    I don’t know where to begin with my son. We’ve known for a while he was bi gender/bi sexual or that’s what he told us. He is so difficult to deal with right now. We are older parents and since the loss of our eldest child a daughter who was born severely disabled it has been a complete nightmare for 3 and 1/2 years. He dropped out of Uni, keeps spending, over eating can’t get a job and we just feel exhausted. We don’t feel we have had chance to really grief for her.

    He shared a room with a transgender MTF at Uni and it all seems to have started from there yet he no longer has contact with them, or anyone from Uni or school. A few weeks ago he told us he wanted to be a woman, so we are still in shock but trying to be supportive and he went to see the Doctor last week (this is the first stage in UK for a referral to a Gender Counselor). He’s been offered Counselling before at Uni but refused to go and was treated for Depression but didn’t take the anti-depressants.

    The think is we both feel when he says “you don’t know what it’s like to be in a body you don’t like” it makes us feel angry because of our daughter who always made the best of everything despite having a body she could do nothing with, not walk, talk, sit up. He says he can’t keep a job because it means wearing formal male clothing, so I suggested gradual steps of changing clothing towards being more female. I think I’m just trying to hard to help and it isn’t working, it’s having the opposite effect.

    What we really find difficult to deal with is the militancy behind it all and he’s heavily involved with the LGBT community online, so if we use the wrong word or gender we are being “disrespectful” For the last year he wanted to be a “them” or a “they” now apparently not.

    He disappeared in the night a few days ago, after a row over a pink frilly dress that didn’t fit and suggesting small steps. I got upset and burst into tears. We know he is at a friends in another city and is ok at the present. It’s just what do we do for the future I’m so scared for him and his state of mind. He does have an appointment with the Gender Counselor for a couple of weeks time, that’s if he comes back to see them. His main reason for wanting to be a woman seems to be that he doesn’t like men and has said so, he isn’t attracted sexually to men either, only women. It’s all so confusing and we just feel we can’t cope.

    I can’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to him and feel a complete failure and desperate. But I coming to the conclusion only he can help himself and take the help on offer and as he is an adult I can’t do that for him.

    Reply
    • transmom April 20, 2015 at 3:20 am #

      I am so sorry to hear of your fear and frustration, “Wornout”!! You are literally WORN OUT for good reason! I believe you are correct in your conclusion that only your child can help himself…but with that said, I am thinking you will feel MUCH better as a result of continuing to reach out to- however, with healthy boundaries in place. Letting your adult child know that you are most willing to talk with them, listen to their concerns as they go forward, become educated about the transition process – both the legal process in the UK as well as the emotional toll. In addition, while you are willing to do all of this, you expect to be treated with respect and given some understanding that this is a difficult time for you ALL AROUND!! Good luck to you- keep reaching out!

      Reply
  29. Heartbroken and Scared April 23, 2015 at 5:53 pm #

    My son (age 26) has been all boy his whole life. He has been struggling with social skills, friendship and forming relationships with non-crazy girls for years. He is high function Asperger, so that accounts for the social skills issues. He has also battled anxiety and panic for years.

    As if all of that wasn’t enough of a challenge, he kept picking the most messed up girls to date…I mean seriously not stable (not just girls I wouldn’t choose — a couple were in and out of psychiatric hospitals), so he kept getting hurt, Last year, he met a girl who is worse than the normal ones (they went on a trip to Disney and she had a complete freak out, locked him out of the room, called him all kinds of awful names, etc.) But now this messed up young lady has introduced him to her Trans friends and as of last week, he announced he is really trans and is starting hormones in June. He made this decision a few months ago, and says it will solve all of his problems. He still likes girls, and does not plan to ever get the surgery. He has not spent any length of time dressed as a girl, save “a couple of times out to dinner with my friends.” He admitted he is even terrified of using a ladies’ room.

    Thanks to these new “friends”, he found a trans doctor who is willing to rubber stamp the whole thing, without any real counseling, any addressing my son’s other psycho-social issues, any medical testing. My son just started a new, very well-paid job a few months ago, bought a new car and has a great new apartment.

    I am devastated. I fear that he will lose everything he just got (the great job, etc.), and that he will be forever limited to women who are okay with someone who is partially male and partially female. I cannot imagine that is a large pool. especially in rural middle America.

    He is furious that I am not okay with this, or my request that he spend some time with an unbiased doctor in counseling. He outright rejected my request that he try spending some time dressed as a female (at least several months) before jumping into hormones — he called that idea “punitive.”

    If he had shown signs all along (any!) or had a stable life happening, I would be there for him. But this seems self=destructive, and that I cannot support. He will lose his father and his father’s entire side of the family. My extended family will be lost to him as well. My daughters (his younger sisters) are so angry they don’t know what to say. And my youngest breaks out in hives whenever he is mentioned now.

    So what do you do when you know it’s all wrong and will probably destroy his life? He is in another state, does not want me to visit and will not talk to me on the phone unless I agree to accept everything 100% right now. Help!

    Reply
    • transmom April 27, 2015 at 7:36 pm #

      Dear Heartbroken and Scared,
      So sorry I have not replied sooner-I’ve been out of town.
      I can feel your anguish and worry through your note- yours is, indeed, a very complicated and difficult situation!! Here are a couple of thoughts that come to mind as I read your note:
      -“My son has been all boy all his life”. Many transgender children identify outwardly in ways that seem to “confirm” their gender that was assigned at birth. However, this doesn’t mean that they do not feel confused or conflicted internally. How a person identifies is really strictly personal and most times, very intimate. So many children feel FORCED to behave in certain ways under societal expectations.
      -Your son has Asperger’s: You are right- this complicates matters for him! As a special education teacher of 34 years, I have experienced many high-functioning folks that are rule-followers to the extreme! Is it at all possible that your son was attempting to do just that as he was growing up? Trying to follow exactly what was expected of him? Perhaps he MAY be following the ways in which his peers are expecting him to follow? Unfortunately, you do not have control or knowledge of this!
      -He will not seek counseling: Having an adult child is SOOO difficult! As moms of adult children- even when we feel they are not emotionally nor psychologically capable of making such significant decisions- WE often cannot impact their decisions. We can plead, beg, and harp all we like, but at the end of the day, it is our child’s choice!
      -Losing the support of family: This is out of your control!! You will make yourself crazy by worrying about things you cannot change- those things that are beyond your influence. Instead, I recommend writing down what you CAN do:
      *You can leave your son a voice message that reminds him that you love him and that you worry for him because this is a significant change in his life.
      *You can write him a letter that outlines the things you worry about for him (losing his job, losing support of your family, etc) and how you hope that he will be thoughtful going forward.
      *Try listing (be succinct!) things that he “COULD CONSIDER”…he is an adult, and doesn’t want to be told what to do or how to do it.
      *Try to be gentle.
      *Let him know-above all else- that you will continue loving him regardless of his decisions!

      Reply
      • Wornout May 4, 2015 at 9:03 pm #

        In the UK you cannot take or access “hormones” through the National Health Service without specialist Counselling.

        There are considerable medical risks of taking “hormones” not via medical supervision of any kind. Purchasing any drugs on the internet is not really a sensible option for anyone to take.

        I share your concerns heartbroken & scared, I do think peer pressure in some circumstances and not feeling they “fit in socially” can be a massive factor of influence.

        It’s all very well to say it’s an adult decision but if someone is mentally unstable for other reasons it can be very worrying indeed.

  30. Wornout May 4, 2015 at 8:07 pm #

    Dear Transmom

    Thank you so much for your reply. Unfortunately since then, it’s got much worse, Dad has been in hospital, texted to tell them again no response, then Grandmother is in hospital. Feelling really low.

    So messaged “friend” as was concerned he/she was ok and really got so much abuse it is completely unprintable here 😦

    A lot of the issues that we have had over the past few years haven’t really been to do with Gender as we feel we have accepted what we were told and tried to be supportive. It has been about their complete unwillingness to accept responsibility for their own actions and basically a lot of “teenage” type behavior, complete lack of maturity and nothing ever being their responsibility. We know he has been complaining, moaning continually about us to this “friend” but not a lot we can do is there really?

    You are right it is about respect and until they realize this and their very young parent-less “friend” we can do nothing do until they want the “reaching out”.

    I do have a close friend who has a MTF transitioning, but she cannot identify with our son at all, because her MTF child has always been very considerate of her feelings and the rest of the family. My child when I told him this friend had cried for 3 months over baby/childhood photos his reaction was “I hope *insert name” didn’t know about it!!” Well they did know about it and understood.

    I can’t bear the thought of never seeing him/she again, but I’m also realizing my husband and I may not have much time left and we have to live our own lives, be there if we can but we can’t make ourselves ill over it.

    Reply
    • transmom May 5, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

      Wornout- I am so sorry this continues to be difficult- even MORE stressful since the last time you wrote. You have SEVERAL issues you are trying hard to deal with!! You are correct: you have your own lives and you have to prioritize on what that life is- occasionally reaching out to say you love your child, and living day-to-day without him! Yours is EXTRA challenging and you can only try to do your best- take care of those in your immediate care. Perhaps a journal to keep your many emotions during this time might help? Finding a “sacred” time of day to decompress- if even for a few precious moments? I hope you will try to remember that it is because you are blessed enough to have relationships and love in your life that you DO feel the pain! Strength and blessing to you!!

      Reply
  31. Nancy Ford May 19, 2015 at 11:54 am #

    Hi, so glad to have found this blog. We took a family vacation last week to see my oldest son. He is 26 and lives in a different city. My mother, husband, and my 23 year old son took the journey. While we were there my oldest told us he is transgender. He said he started to feel confused around 14. I knew he had a terrible year last year and I was not sure why. He started weekly therapy in Feb. and that is helping.
    The first thing we assured him was that we love him no matter what, and he can always count on us.

    He has a girlfriend (partner ?) who is gay and they seem to get along great. She supports him 100% and we think she is delightful and we are glad she is there for him. She will be explaining the situation to her parents this week and they are going on vacation with her parents in June. I am praying they are understanding.

    For now he still wants to use the words “He”. He had an Endocrinologist appt this week. He hopes to freeze some sperm and she is investigating costs. Wondering if others have done that ? He would need to do it before starting hormones.

    We are spinning and want to help, and to protect him. At the same time we are feeling a lot of grief for the years he suffered. We wish he had told us sooner, but he said he had to understand it first. We are also working through the grief of losing the young man we have always known, and feel so helpless so far away.

    Reply
    • transmom May 25, 2015 at 4:10 am #

      Hi Nancy!
      You are a FABULOUS mom and I appreciate your sharing your story!! You are in touch with the pain that this struggle brings: your own pain through your loss, the pain you now realize your son has already experienced, and the pain you worry may still befall him! It is a special kind of challenge to reel with these feelings while not being able to actually “DO” so little…your child is an adult and you are, in essence, “along for the ride”. I felt that same helplessness when our son disclosed his being transgender while living in a different state! I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with him. I do caution you, however, to watch the number of opinions you offer (this is something that I think ALL parents of adult children wrestle with – we have experienced years of helping them make decisions and now we are completely out of that position!! In addition, if you are anything like I am, you may need on resisting the urge to contact him more frequently than is typical. I think it’s best if you retain the same level of communication with making sure when you do speak to him, that you are sure to say you would love to talk to him ANYTIME about ANYTHING. He needs to know that you trust him!!
      I think the freezing of his sperm is a fabulous idea!! I have known other MTF’s that have done so before transitioning! Families come in all different forms- wouldn’t it be wonderful if he was able to have his own biological child one day with the woman that he loves?!! Incredible!!
      Hang in there and please keep me posted as you experience along your new journey. Embrace it!!

      Reply
      • Nancy Ford October 1, 2015 at 6:25 pm #

        Hi, long time since I’ve written. My son finally got his answers the other day on the Freezing Sperm issue. FYI – it will be about 675.00 initially and then about 375.00 per year. He has been waiting on that so has not started hormones.
        He and i talk several times a week and we always have- sometimes we talk about transition but usually just catching up..
        Anyway – I sent him a letter this Summer and told him that I feel like I’m having a new baby, and that after I raised 2 boys in mid-life I will have the surprise gift of being a mother to a daughter. That I know a lot of things about this new person (basically the same personality traits) but I wonder what she’ll want for Christmas, will she wear jewelry – sandals – perfume, what will her style be etc.
        So – we are adjusting.
        My husband is having a bit of a harder time than I am. He is still very supportive- but very nervous about telling his brothers, and their families, and his mother. I know he is feeling a little like maybe he didn’t do enough “manly” things with him. I have assured him that he was a great father and none of us “caused” this to happen
        My younger son says you just say “did you love him 5 minutes before we told you, he’s still the same person ” We have not told any other family members at this point.
        My oldest has come out to all of his friends and colleagues and they were wonderful about it. He and some of his friends rode in the gay pride parade and he wore a dress, earrings and make up. He sent me a cute picture.
        So for now we are in a holding pattern. Which has given us some time for reflection and we are grateful

      • transmom October 4, 2015 at 9:37 pm #

        So great to hear from you, Nancy!! You are a wonderful loving mom and your husband is coming along in his journey just great- this is hard for him and that’s okay!! I’m glad to know he is working on it and hasn’t just become angry about it! You can find our “Disclosure Letter” on this site’s archives…it was a really positive experience for us- scary initially- but we received so many loving responses and it helped us all go to that next level of acceptance and calm! The best to your family!!

    • djdinca June 1, 2015 at 2:51 am #

      Nancy, my name is Dina Oskiera, and I am a supporting parent as well. Regarding sperm storage in a cryobank, the answer is “yes” storage should be completed before hormones begin. I imagine different companies charge different rates, but for comparative purposes, I can share my daughter’s storage cost is $40 a month.

      I have been supporting my daughter’s transition since 2008, and am a founding member of the Transfamily Support Group of Santa Cruz County in California. The grief you are experiencing is understandable. There is great loss, but I hope in the days ahead you will find a way to accept that the loss you feel is the loss of a parent’s expectations regarding a child’s future and, as you shared, for opportunities missed in the past. There are also certain feelings that come with the realization that a child may have suffered despite being under a parent’s dedicated watch. Grief, anger, guilt, fear, betrayal, overwhelm, sadness…these and other emotions can all be part of the supporting parent’s experience. But a positive and supported transition can also bring great feelings of joy for both parent and child, as well as, a deepening of the parent-child bond. There is loss, and there is gain in this experience.

      My child’s transition was an inspiration for me to look at the authenticity of my own life. We are both changing all the time. I am so proud of her for being willing to speak out at 17 to clarify who she is and wants to be acknowledged as despite the understandable mistake made by every authority in her life including parents, doctors, teachers etc. because of anatomy. Early on, my daughter’s specializing therapist clearly indicated this is my daughter’s journey. The parent role is one of support. That being said, in most cases supporting parents do indeed need separate, formal support of their own. Connection with an experienced and knowledgeable therapist along with reaching out to other supporting parents can make all the difference in helping parents process feelings and find the information and knowledge needed for changes ahead. If you cannot locate a transgender family support group in your area, feel free to connect with me in this thread on this blog or by calling the Transfamily Support Group of Santa Cruz County. They can put you in touch with me or other parents supporting the MTF experience.

      Reply
      • transmom June 2, 2015 at 4:15 am #

        Hi Dina- Thank you for such a well-written response to Nancy and all of our other readers here!! I appreciate your sharing your story and your willingness to reach out in such a generous manner! Having other mothers to share our experiences with is important support that may be difficult for many to find as they begin to navigate this journey with their Journey!

  32. Cynthia Dickey July 18, 2015 at 2:47 pm #

    Oh my gosh thank you so much for this site. I have not yet even read any of it (will probably spend most of today doing so) but it is already a Godsend. My son just came out to me a week ago as transgender (MTF) and I am the only one in our family who knows so far and I am going CRAZY. He (actually SHE) is 23, has been going to a therapist for over a year and taking hormones for over a year and plans on transitioning completely over the next year, ultimately getting the SRS in the end. I have been completely supportive to her, embracing her from the getgo because I just want her to feel loved, accepted and HAPPY…we have become close in a way we NEVER were…I have been helping her with clothes and makeup, purchasing things for her she has not felt comfortable purchasing for herself yet…talking about grooming, how to walk, sit, talk…etc etc…She is becoming the daughter I always wanted and never thought I’d have…but when I am alone…I am CONSUMED by worry for her, for our family (my husband especially) and just feeling very very alone…at times I mourne the loss of my little boy…I cant sleep…it’s the last think I obsess over when I lay down my head and the first thing when I wake up…and it’s just ME…no one else knows and I don’t want to share some of my process with her because I don’t want to burden her with that. I know part of me is still somewhat in shock, stages of grief, and that it will get better…but having all of this in me…watching my whole family go through their carefree lives and knowing the TIME BOMB that is fixing to go off in our family…in our lives and the MAJOR paradigm shift our entire lives are fixing to go through…and not being able to tell them until she is ready to share this with them…is KILLING ME. So THANK YOU for being here!

    Reply
    • transmom July 20, 2015 at 3:36 am #

      Hi Cynthia! I am SOOO happy that this site has given you some relief and connection!!

      I so “get” the anquish and fear you are experiencing- the constant ruminating from day’s beginning to day’s end!! It is soooo difficult to be a loving mom, isn’t it??!!

      There were so many times when I thought to myself, “Ummm, where was I when I signed up for this?!!” (Knowing me, probably talking and not listening or paying attention to the signs when God was handing out assignments!!) Seriously, it doesn’t really matter if there WERE signs or not- here you are and you are FABULOUS!! You are to be commended!! You are giving so generously of your spirit so your daughter may soar while all the while, YOU are being worried and stressed. Cynthia, I know you are anticipating the worst (we all would do that!), but maybe the time bomb won’t be as worrisome as you fear?? In some ways, I appreciate your anticipating “the worst case scenario”- after all, if it is anything short of that outcome, you’ve got it covered, right? However, maybe there are some positives that you can put into motion:
      -How about setting out to write a list of all of the things you’ve found or have done that have been helpful? Having those at the ready will give other family members the support that you didn’t have immediate access to!
      -Consider a “plan of action”…I’m picturing a kind of intervention- but for everyone else 🙂 That way, your daughter has control of whom is there, how it is rolled out, where, etc. In this way, you can maximize the positives. What do you think?
      Meanwhile, hugs to you, awesome mom!!

      Reply
      • Cynthia dickey July 21, 2015 at 4:28 pm #

        Thank you so much for your encouraging words…they mean so much to me. And I will definitely follow your advise, finding information that has been helpful and comforting to me and printing it out to have on hand as my daughter shares her story with other family members ❤

    • Sarah July 20, 2015 at 4:14 pm #

      Hi Cynthia

      I am really glad that you found this site — it has been a Godsend for me!

      Your family is lucky to have you! Early this year, my 29 year old MTF daughter came out to me first as well. I totally get the mix of emotions you are going through and having to keep it all inside. I think you are right to not burden your daughter with ALL of your emotions, but sharing your concerns for her safety and well-being would be good for both of you.

      Like you, I mourned the loss of my little boy — until I realized that the face in all of those old photos is the same person who is now a young woman. I feel strongly that I will keep the little boy photos up and that it is okay to refer to that little boy by his boy name. What is working for our family is to start using the female name and pronouns from this point forward, and to use the male name and pronouns for in the past. We have all come to the realization that the person is one in the same and that we don’t need to rewrite the past.

      My daughter has now come out to everyone, including work. So far she is feeling like she “cheated the system” by getting a support rate of 100%. It probably helps that she lives in the Seattle area where different lifestyles are commonplace.

      Take care of yourself through this process and just take it one day at a time. BIG HUG TO YOU.

      Reply
      • transmom July 26, 2015 at 3:53 am #

        Sarah, I love that you have found support here!! And I am thrilled for your daughter: being able to successfully come out with 100% support is HUGE!!! I have chills knowing there are families and friends out there that are willing to stand up for the trans folks in their lives!!

        The family photos are an interesting aspect for many to deal with: for many transgender individuals, seeing the photos of themselves prior to transitioning can be very painful; those can bring up painful memories that these individuals would prefer not to be reminded! For others, like my son, photos under a certain age feel comfortable to view, and those continue to remain on display in our home. I’ve known several moms of transkids that have only one “old” photo on display in the privacy of their bedrooms- and having to rid their family home of all the photographs and evidence of their child’s earlier identity was extremely painful. Yet, these moms were willing to do this because they wanted their child to feel comfortable living at or coming home. I’m happy for you that your daughter feels comfortable with those earlier memories!

        I struggled with the use of the new male pronouns for a long time and felt badly whenever I made an error (even with my son living out of state, I felt like I had somehow violated him!!). I, too, started recalling the young “she”- but realized that after a time, I now refer to my son no matter what stage of life, as “he”. I’m not sure when that happened.

        It will be interesting to see how YOU experience your daughter’s transition- the changes that YOU make as her mom! Please keep us posted!!

  33. Kiki July 19, 2015 at 6:34 am #

    How do I help my trans son to find love.
    Please help.

    Reply
    • transmom July 20, 2015 at 4:46 am #

      Kiki- the love will begin with you! Your acceptance of your son will give him strength to make these difficult changes. When he feels whole, then he will have the ability to share completely with others. He will find and make those relationships himself…we can only encourage and be supportive. Keep loving your son, Kiki!!

      Reply
  34. Beth July 20, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. My son (M) came out to me when he was 13. He then went back and forth around his identity, sometimes telling me he was trans, sometimes bi, and sometimes straight. It was tough for all of us.

    A couple of years ago, one of his high school girlfriends encouraged him to be true to who he was, and bought him makeup for his birthday. She and another girlfriend hunted down skirts for him. I didn’t know about all this until his 19th birthday. About a week before he turned 19, he asked me if I would make him a purse (I sew all my own). We picked out fabric together, and I gave him the purse in the privacy of his own room. Neither of us wanted the rest of the family to know yet, for various reasons.

    Two months ago my son met a gal going through her MTF transition.She provided a wealth of information and support that my son hadn’t yet found. Yesterday I had lunch with my son/daughter’s friends. It was the first time I had seen (M) dressed completely as (E). Her makeup was tastefully done and the skirt looked beautiful on her. It was probably the most uncomfortable lunch I’ve had in a long time, but the fact that (E) wanted me to know her friends was really special. Seeing (E) happy and beautiful eased my mother’s heart a bit, too.

    A couple of hours ago (M) called me. He had made an appointment to see a doctor about HRT. He wanted me to go to the appointment, too. In a way, I will be there for the birth of (E). To say my emotions are all over the place would be an understatement.

    Thank you for this site, the encouragement and support everyone shows, and the place to express fears and worries. I’ve shed many tears today, some of them in gratitude towards all of you here. I’ll be back often.

    Reply
    • transmom July 26, 2015 at 3:32 am #

      Wow, Beth! What an incredible story of your journey with your (new) daughter! While so difficult for you, you have been SO SUPPORTIVE and INCREDIBLY LOVING!! I applaud you for allowing this to be about your child and NOT about you! You are a role model for all of us parents here no matter what stage we find ourselves in this journey!! What I love about your story is that you acknowledge how very difficult this is- about your tears and struggle!! You are not denying these very real emotions, yet you are coping the best way you can because you know this is your child’s choice and her happiness is at stake. Thank you for sharing your story!!!

      Reply
  35. robynlynnwriter July 28, 2015 at 8:53 pm #

    Hello – I am new to this – sort of.

    Yesterday my 23 year old son Donovan (?) told me s/he was going to take steps to become the girl s/he always felt s/he has been. I have known about this since s/he was small, but I guess I thought he would “grow out of it”. It is much harder to walk the talk than I ever imagined. I am grieving deeply but I don’t even know why. I am having a hard time with every single aspect of this – except loving him/her through it. I feel very very alone.Thankfully D lives with their (?) sister and she is an incredible strong person who loves and protects D fiercely, but in the process she has also revealed a more “gender neutral” (?) orientation.

    I am so lost as a parent who struggled to raise strong independent children – what do we do when they become exactly who you told them they could become?

    I am of course worried about D – but honestly, not any more now than I always have. What I don’t understand is how broken I feel….and it is funny, I am a writer and the thing that reflects my brokenness seems to be my complete inability to adapt to word changes! I feel like being asked to use “gender neutral” words my connection to my children is slipping. I know that makes no sense, but I don’t know how to talk about the three of us anymore….

    If anyone has resources in the Seattle area, I’d appreciate info.

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2015 at 6:12 am #

      Hi Robynlynn! I completely feel for your current struggle! My experience was similar in that I also felt so much grief without being able to pinpoint why when I was simultaneously supportive. I felt at odds with myself! And quite honestly, the gender neutral pronouns baffles me as does gender-fluid identity. Some of my son’s friends identify as such and it feels like it would be confusing -not only to those of us cis-gendered folks, but to those that are “fluid” themselves.

      I live in LA so at present can’t help with Seattke contacts. Have you tried contacting:
      http://washingtongenderalliance.com/
      -or-
      http://ingersollcenter.org/aboutus

      Good luck to you! Reaching out and finding support is critical for you right now! You are on the right path!

      Reply
    • Sarah August 1, 2015 at 2:10 am #

      Hi Robynlynn

      I am in the Seattle area as well and found great comfort with a couple of hour-long phone calls with a gentleman named Aiden Key. Aiden is the Director of an organization called Gender Diversity. They have all sorts of support groups, and they hold a big conference each year called “Gender Odyssey”.

      My husband and I attended one parent session and found it to be very helpful. Every parent/couple there started out with a potpourri of emotions. Those with close ties to their kids seemed to have their emotions on a more even keel faster than the parents who had strained or no relationship with their kid.

      As a mom who has only been living with our situation since the beginning of the year, I can honestly say that once I got through my own issues with thinking about what other people would think, overly worrying about my daughter, etc., my daughter becoming herself has been a great journey for our whole family. Scariest day (other than Day 1)… going shopping with her at the mall for a dress to wear to her sister’s wedding. I chose Mother’s Day to do this and we ended up having a blast! BTW… She looked so pretty dancing in that dress at the wedding last week!

      These kids are so incredibly courageous to be coming out and starting a new chapter in each of their lives.

      I also had a mom from this blog email me directly — that was HUGE for me.

      If transmom would be willing, she can send my email address to you. Perhaps we could meet up and go to Aiden’s next meeting together?

      Reply
  36. Jennifer July 31, 2015 at 8:06 am #

    I told my mother if she doesn’t expect my brother/sister then her closed minded way will make me turn away from her and so will my twin sister we love are sibling no matter what I need to see my brother one more time to let him go and full except her new life but what ever u chose in this short life we live chose to be happy and safe

    Reply
    • transmom August 11, 2015 at 5:40 am #

      Jennifer- I hope you will consider allowing your mother to have her own time to deal with this change in your family! Everyone should be allowed to have their own process I believe. I think it can be so different for siblings! I watched my daughter so very easily accept her brother as he transitioned! She didn’t have the same worries or hopes of dreams that I had for him as his mother. Please encourage your mom to seek support. Maybe she would like reading here?

      Reply
  37. Peg Crerar August 11, 2015 at 9:27 pm #

    Thank you! Here I start our journey!

    Reply
    • transmom August 12, 2015 at 5:04 am #

      Keep us posted, Peg! Hang in there!

      Reply
  38. Antoinette August 13, 2015 at 11:31 am #

    My 15 year old revealed to me she wants to be a boy. And cries often about how she hates being a girl and feels its not her body. She has been alienated from long time friends Depressed anxiety and I have put her in support groups she has a psychiatrist she has been admitted into the hospital and outpatient for coping skills that she will not self harm herself. We love our child so much… Trying to place every thing in full circle to keep her healthy and stil i worry for my child worried I need somebody to help me process this im becoming unglued with anxiety worried all the time!

    Reply
    • transmom August 14, 2015 at 1:45 am #

      I’m soooo sorry to hear your fear and anxiety, Antoinette!! I can’t imagine going through that!! It sounds as if you are doing all that you can- making sure she has mental health care. Are you in an area in which she can meet others like herself- and that you can attend family support groups together? The one here in LA is such a fabulous example of support- I hope you can find something like that!!

      Reply
  39. Lauren Castle August 14, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

    Hi there, I am with someone who is going through ftm and would just like to ask for more information on how you have and are dealing with the transition as a mother because my partners mum is going through a hard time trying to deal with it. Could you give me advice to give her please?

    Reply
    • transmom September 1, 2015 at 7:30 pm #

      Hi Lauren! It is generous of you to reach out to your partner’s mum! As a mom, I would appreciate that!! Honestly, I would even appreciate it MORE if my child were ALSO reaching out alongside you! One thing that really helped me was hearing from my son that I “would have my own process and time.” no one was expecting me to feel any certain way overnight. I would encourage her to seek out a support group- or even write to me here online: SHE IS NOT ALONE!!! Thanks for reaching out, Lauren!!

      Reply
      • Lauren Castle September 2, 2015 at 9:00 pm #

        Thank you for replying back.

        My partner is also reaching out to his mum as well but it just seems his mum does not want to hear it… his mum said to me that it’s like excepting that her daughter is dead and needing time to get over that. What do we say to that? I want to try and get his mum to see that the person she brought up is still here. I will pass your email address on to her so she can talk to you if she wants to.

        thank you again x

      • transmom September 3, 2015 at 3:38 am #

        I am happy to talk to her- one mum to another 🙂 None of us can argue with her feelings- they belong to her!! They are real!! However, we can ask her to consider her love and devotion to her child and let her know she can experience the loss AND love simultaneously!! Please have her check out this site and write!! Lots of moms can respond!!

  40. Bridget Markk August 17, 2015 at 11:41 pm #

    I hope this site can help me. My 18 yr. old son shared his feelings with me & he wants 2 transition 2 a female. I love him & will be supportive, but we have a large family & this will not be accepted well. I’m worried sick 4 him, and the eventual impact on the family.

    Reply
    • transmom September 1, 2015 at 11:29 pm #

      I understand your concern and anguish for your child, Bridget!! This absolutely will impact the family and there MAY be some divide as to how accepting some folks are compared to others. That is, frankly, just how it goes with families: whether it is for trans folks, if someone comes out as gay, if there is intermarriage, etc- there seems to always be some family members that disagree or who want to find negativity. With that said, YOU are the one that is MOST important to your MTF son!! And your family members can take their cues from you! If you have boundaries around your expectations for how your child is to be treated, he will feel safe. It means having your immediate family (if you are with his dad/siblings) on the same page. Ask your son/daughter how and when he/she wants this news to be shared…will he/she share the news personally? Will you? Will you disclose it in person or via letter or phone call? When you have a plan, you both will feel more ready to take on the unexpected. I really do recommend that you feel ready and prepared to answer questions- both you are your son/daughter need to be on the same page with how to respond if someone if discounting or rude. Folks need to hear that they are absolutely free to have an opinion, but that doesn’t mean that any negativity will be tolerated and it doesn’t mean anyone will be attempting to change his/her mind. Does this make sense? Folks need parameters and boundaries…this is a very serious and personal decision and you will be modeling the respect of hyour child’s decision! It IS a great idea to share that you know this MAY be difficult to hear or understand, but you firmly believe and support your child, no matter that this is challenging or difficult for you as the mom! Stay the course!! You are doing great!

      Reply
  41. Julia C Vargas Lara Sr. August 21, 2015 at 7:32 am #

    I Love You Your The Greatest Mom/MOTHER In The World 🙂

    Reply
    • transmom September 1, 2015 at 11:37 pm #

      WOW!!! Thank you Julia!!

      Reply
  42. Jane August 21, 2015 at 12:44 pm #

    I am clearly a CRAP mum!

    My son and I had a difficult relationship from the time I separated form his dad aged 9
    I formed a new relationship – and went o to have 3 more children.

    We deliberately waited 4 years so he felt hopefully entrenched in our new family and not threatened.

    He later became a stripper and used drugs – he hen decided he would have no more contact with me and his step dad but did want to see his siblings – no idea why at that point!

    Eventually he told us he planned to change sex

    Sorry but I cannot get past this – I gave birth to a boy – he NEVER displayed any aversion to boy type activities – activities – encouraged us to get him motorbike – air rifle etc. absolutely not led by us . .

    I have no issue with boys playing with girl toys or vice versa – when I has a daughter there were only boys toys in the house . . . the first time she saw a pink teddy she wanted one so I bought it . . . her twin brother asked for an ironing board and a dolls pram for Xmas and that is what we bought . . .

    He ( the younger son) used to love dressing up as his twin sister and we went along with this – no issues – he has gone on to a “normal relationship” and probably does not even remember so I M NOT A PRUDE!

    What hurts me most is that my first born son ( who ahs had the ops and everything) tells me that it is my fault and all the signs were there -but they were not!

    Now he says he asked for “action man” because he wanted a doll – so when I got one why did he play at fighting with them?

    Why did he ask for motorbike? I am opposed to them. . .

    Why did he ask for an ait rifle ? we are opposed to guns but supported this request for him?

    Clearly I am not as supportive as most Mums but I find it so hard – I understand it is not his “fault” but neither is it mine .

    never seen him since the op . . cannot face it . . .

    Rubbish MUM

    Reply
    • transmom September 1, 2015 at 11:54 pm #

      You are NOT a Rubbish MUM!! Your son (daughter now?) is handing you a plate of guilt….and guess what- you don’t have to take what he /she is dishing out! Sure- maybe there was something that EVERY parent has inadvertently done that now, in retrospect, feels unsupportive. That doesn’t mean that their choice to change their gender is the parent’s fault or doing.You are not alone in being a parent that has had to watch their child struggle with drugs and finding themselves in a healthy lifestyle. It can be horrible to not have any impact on the choices they make as adults!! If it is in fact what you desire, let your son/daughter know that there is no going back. You were as thoughtful and mindful as you could at the time. you were the best parent you could be at that time. And now he/she is an adult and you want him to know that you do love him regardless of how they may feel about you. Good luck to you- there is still time to build anew!!

      Reply
  43. Cora August 23, 2015 at 3:59 pm #

    My baby, Jade, is 14 years old. Born a male yet feels like a girl trapped in a boys body. I support him/her 100%. However, lives with Dad who only allows him/her to be self behind closed doors. He spends alot of time alone. Depressed and has cut in the past. Why cannot Dad love him/her for the beautiful person he/she is. Sure, I am still working thru some things, which I do not let my child see. All I want is for my child to live happy and proud of who they are instead of having to hide the beautiful female he was ment to be.

    Reply
    • transmom September 2, 2015 at 1:07 am #

      Hi Cora! I, like you, am sad that Jade’s father doesn’t understand how critical it is for her to be herself. Her having cut prior is a signal that when she is feeling desperate, she can resort to desperate means. Do you have open communication with her father? Is it at all possible to offer to take Jade to counseling? would he be open to that? How about reading books on the subject like, “The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals” by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper.

      Reply
  44. Kezza August 24, 2015 at 10:31 pm #

    I am so glad I found this site! My 14 year just came out as FTM. I’m in total support of him and am doing as much research as possible. This site is a huge help.

    Reply
    • transmom September 2, 2015 at 1:09 am #

      Thanks so much Kezza! It’s not easy being the parent of ANY adolescent- I so appreciate your ADDITIONAL love, concern and support for your son!! YOU ROCK!!

      Reply
  45. Kelly August 25, 2015 at 3:56 am #

    My 29 year old daughter told me 3 weeks ago she will be transitioning. KNOCK me over… I had NO idea, Yes we knew she was gay, and that she dresses more boyish,, she got a drastic short haircut a few months ago, but never did i see this coming, She is a twin and her twin and I are having a hard time with this. She said she feels gender neutral and doesnt want to be either, BUT that society says she has to so she will begin testosterone and change her name and be identified as male. I cannot erase the last 30 years, I wont put away the family photos, that is NOT fair to me, her mom who gave birth to them 4 months early, who watched them almost die. I can accept this is what she wants, but I dont have to be happy about it,,,,Yes I want her happy, but I have feelings that matter also.

    Reply
    • transmom September 2, 2015 at 1:24 am #

      You are right, Kelly! You do NOT have to be happy. You have every right to have a difficult time with this news!! And your family pictures are in your home so, ultimately, that is your decision. But here’s something – over time (it’s been 3 years for me!!)- that I have learned: this is not about me. It’s not about you. It’s not about your struggle as a good mom. It’s not about your child’s twin. This is gender and it’s all about what is in your kid’s head and what THEIR truth is. Period. Now, that’s REALLY hard to accept- and some parents never get there. I hope- in time- you will! Because that is what the unconditional love part is, my fellow mama- it’s about putting aside our complete disappointment. It’s about watching our dreams die. It’s about letting go of what we know to be an easier way of life. It’s about having to stand by and watch your beloved say no to choices that you want them to make. BUT- and here’s the good part- loving like this means that your child will continue to LIVE!! They will have a life of their own. They will feel whole inside!! They will continue to trust you and want you to be a part of their life. And when you give them their life again- as you struggled to do all those years ago- then you will see that the pictures may be too painful for them and so you may choose not to have them up if your child asks you to take them down because you want them to once again feel comfort in your home and to not struggle with what they kept a SECRET. God knows what pain something like a picture can rekindle now…we can’t know. But in time, we can trust that the most important thing is that our babies are alive and happy. That baby you struggled to keep alive- they will continue to be- perhaps not with the name or appearance that you expected or want for them, but they will ALWAYS be your child- ALWAYS!!!

      Reply
  46. Denise August 26, 2015 at 5:17 am #

    I can’t do this. I’m devastated. My son transitioned mtf after going to Betkeley. There was never an indication for 22 years. It came out of nowhere and I’m in a deep grief. The whole family fell apart. My husband of 24 years abandoned my younger son and I. All I can think about is suicide.

    Reply
    • Denise August 26, 2015 at 5:33 am #

      I feel that Gender is a social construct, a person’s biological sex will never change. Surgery is mutilation. People “perform” gender based on stereotypes. WHY? Let me add that he will not speak to me ever again unless I use his chosen (ridiculous) name and use “she” or “they” as a pronoun.. I feel like my son died and there will never be closure as in a real death.

      Reply
      • transmom September 2, 2015 at 1:34 am #

        sorry Denise- I have been out of town so I am later in responding than I would like. I understand that you disagree with the surgery and your child’s name/pronoun change. It must be a shock for you. However, adults get to have their own lives- your choosing not to acknowledge his new gender by a new name and pronouns IS your choice- however, your child is an adult and they can choose not to surround themselves with folks that are not supportive. This is the line that your child has drawn: respect me and show me you love and respect me by acknowledging my name and new gender. I know it’s tough- I soooooo get that. You don’t have to agree. You absolutely have a right to your opinions- but, if you desire to continue to have a relayionship with your child, then know you have to make these changes. You can say you will try. You can ask them to understand how hard this is for you. You can say that you are devastated. and you can also say that no matter what, bottom line, you love them!

    • transmom September 2, 2015 at 1:27 am #

      Dear Denise- are you talking about your own suicide or your son’s? You need to find help – there are counselor’s everywhere- please seek some help from someone that can help you process not only this news but the loss of your husband’s relationship with your child. Hope is NOT gone, dear Denise!! Fear does heal and love CAN remain…but it takes work. You love your child so you CAN do this!!! Please let me know how you are doing!!

      Reply
      • Susan Clarke Haskell September 6, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

        Hi Lisa
        I feel your pain. You have described my experience too. I really tried to support my child, even travelling to Thailand at her request as support during surgery only to be turned upon in a shocking way accusing me of going there only to stop the surgery. I had not EVER thought about that course of action. Why go all that way? It defies logic.
        I too, have been blamed because I had my appendix removed during the pregnancy and that I should have seen signs. I see the comment about respecting their situation. How I wish that the respect went both ways. To have your child reject you when you have tried to support, adjust and accept is terrible. I have tried what transmom has suggested but it failed. There have been terrible posts made on social media calling me a bigot, crazy, etcetera….
        I agree with you,Lisa, that their new behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate of others. It seems to be their way or the highway. My child and I were very close as mother and son so the loss of the relationship has devastated me. It is hard but you are not alone. For the only time in my life I thought my situation hopeless, but I am getting help. At first, I thought my Christian friends would abandon me but most were very caring. Reach out to them and accept counseling as this is one time in your life that there is much confusion. Give yourself time to process this. It is not your fault.
        Pause…know that you are valuable and worthy and loving.

      • transmom September 7, 2015 at 8:56 pm #

        Susan, I am so glad that you are reaching out to Lisa. You both are in difficult relationships with your children as they transition. I want you to know that not all children that are transitioning are inconsiderate or selfish- I’m so sorry to know you are experiencing that. You are seeking out support in your community and that is wonderful. You are reaching other moms here with encouragement…thank you.

  47. Carol young September 7, 2015 at 7:58 am #

    Please help

    Reply
    • transmom September 7, 2015 at 8:29 pm #

      How can I help, Carol?

      Reply
  48. Flee September 16, 2015 at 12:18 am #

    I myself recently got news that my 26 yr old son who’s MARRIED with a 4 yr old boy is in the beginning stage of transitioning to a female. I have sooo many questions I have no way to get answers for because he refuses to speak to me about it. He doesn’t want to have the surgery, only take the hormones. You can imagine how hurt his beautiful tall redheaded wife felt when he told her. She cried for days and she’s not one to cry at all. He wants her to stay with him. None of this is making any sense to me. He claims not to want men, he just thinks this is going to cure his depression. Everyone knows it’s not going to do that, if anything it will make it worse when he starts hormone therapy. I want him to be happy and if I thought for a second this would do it I would not question a thing. However my son has NEVER shown any tyoe of tendencies in this direction. Not because I wouldn’t approve, as he knows I’m very liberal and would accept him and love him no matter what. His father has an uncle who is gay and lived most of his life as a female. My son, lets call him B, has never been close to him nor had anything too bad to say. But in the past he hasn’t wanted to be around the uncle or in any way close to him. Someone B works with is going thru it and I honestly think my son is being influenced by this person and his counselor who is a transgender. His wife has begged him to take it slow, which he agreed to at first but now has started to speed everything up. There’s nothing feminine about B. His FAVORITE thing to do is outdoors and most of the time he doesn’t even have on shoes. Now he’s gonna start wearing heels? He also has always hated to see a doc or take meds. Now he’s going to therapy once a week and will soon start on hormones after less than 10 visits. I have so many questions I don’t even know where to start. Is there anywhere I can turn for advice when you truly believe your son is making a HUGE irreversible mistake that could really cause him unnecessary problems when he decides it wasn’t what he wanted afterall?

    Reply
    • transmom October 4, 2015 at 9:14 pm #

      I wish I could give you some advice for what would help you most, Flee…but this is a very personal journey for your son and his family. Of course, it absolutely will impact you and your relationships with them, but he is an adult…like his wife, you can only counsel him to think carefully and insure he has sound support from medical and psychological professionals!! If he isn’t having surgery, than this is not a choice that he has to make for a lifetime. Hormone therapy, once stopped, will reverse. I know this is hard for you to watch, but he has to make the decisions – whether you see that it is positive or not. Please let us know how you are doing! And in the meantime, please also take time for yourself!

      Reply
    • journeyahead October 7, 2015 at 4:29 am #

      Flee,
      I’ve found a trans couple who run a site called Transition Radio. They have shows with guest speakers every Tuesday and Thursday on what is going on in the trans community. It has been a refreshing change and perspective to hear the opposite of what is going on right now. They are the first ones to say they are not politically correct and they don’t care. http://www.transitionradio.net/home_page.html

      They verbalize the things that I believe. May you get the comfort from their shows that I have.
      Love,
      Journeyahead

      Reply
      • transmom October 7, 2015 at 12:19 pm #

        Hi Journeyahead! Thanks so much for your reference- I had not heard of Transition Radio before!! I will check it out!!
        Transmom

  49. TheViewFromHere October 3, 2015 at 4:53 pm #

    This post and all of the comments have been so helpful this morning. My (now) son came out to me this past summer. I, like many of you, was very surprised. Although I knew he had been struggling with his sexuality – thinking he was gay in middle school, then pansexual last year, his sophomore year of college. I thought he was just trying to find his way. I guess he is.

    Still, he always has a (wonderful) girlfriend. He is 6’4″, very thin, and handsome. But he feels such gender dysphoria.

    I have looked for support and found it from trusted friends and my mom. I will see my son (for now) today. I’m so glad I have read the comments as I really wanted to plead with him, “Please don’t do it!” But now I think that’s definitely not the way to go. I’m reading that I need to accept, love unconditionally, and acknowledge this is still my beloved child even though the form will be different. Still, my heart aches so much when I consider how difficult life and the world will be for him as he makes a transition, then begins to live life as a 6’4″ trans woman. He is just 20 years old, doing so well in college, on his way to a career in engineering management. People love this kid.

    I wonder, will s/he be able to make a living? Will s/he be accepted in the world? Will s/he be discriminated against? Will s/he hurt herself? Will s/he be able to find and maintain a loving relationship?

    My soon to be ex-husband for all his issues was actually helpful when we spoke about this. He simply said, “He hasn’t been happy.” Only, he always seemed happy, adjusted, amazing. Whaaaaaa! This hurts so much. I can only turn my heart toward my child and know that has to have been hurting him (her) so much for so long for him to make this decision and to have the courage to come out to me, his dad, his sister, friends, and coworkers. No one would choose this – right?

    I appreciate the support here. I’ve been looking for a therapist who can help ME navigate the feelings of great loss so that I can continue to love this beautiful person who I get to call my child. My heart is breaking.

    Reply
    • transmom October 4, 2015 at 9:48 pm #

      Awww-The viewFromHere- I wish I could reach out and hug you!! This IS a tough time to watch your beloved child struggle- we as moms just wanna keep them from any pain. No, we can’t promise nothing bad is going to happen…but we DO know that for your son-almost daughter- to find any relief and sense of joy, they must live their truth!! They must find a community that supports them and sees them for the person they are!!Nope- I can’t imagine ANYONE choosing such a difficult struggle!! You are doing the right things…lend an ear…ask open-ended questions so you can build dialogue. Seeking support is the best thing you can do for both of you!!!! Keep hanging in there!! Your kid is alive and on their way to find peace!

      Reply
      • joanne2sons October 6, 2015 at 2:35 am #

        Transmom – I just wanted to thank you again for this wonderful blog. I shared your May 2012 blog – “Fear vs. Reality” at my Gender Support Group meeting last month. Of course, I got a little emotional when reading it, but at the same time I felt stronger and stronger by the time I finished reading it. I’m not a religious person, but some of your posts are like my Bible. I read them over and over and feel like I have someone next to me cheering me on. Thanks again for all your encouragement! You are the greatest!

      • transmom October 6, 2015 at 11:35 pm #

        Wow joanne2sons!! I am definitely copying your note and keeping it for a day when I need the moral support!!
        THANK YOU!!

    • joanne2sons October 6, 2015 at 2:26 am #

      Dear View from Here,
      Like Transmom, I too would like to reach out and give you a hug. Navigating this near territory is really scary. Reading your post about your fears and struggles, sounds so familiar!! 2 months ago, my 21 year old college daughter informed us that she is transgender. Like your child, she told us she was gay last summer. She has now changed her name to Matt (although not legally), cut her hair short and is wearing boy clothes. Currently, that is all that “he” is changing…although I know that too could change. It’s been just over 2 months now, and I’m FINALLY able to tell my friends about my new “son” without crying. Although, I still have more people to tell…it takes time and I need to be in the right mood. I’m not saying that I still don’t have lots of worries, but when we visited our son a couple weeks ago, he seemed very happy as a boy — although he still looks like my daughter to me. He still is the same person, but now he seems happier. Both my husband and I have been doing our best to call him by his new name and use the correct pronouns. Occasionally we mess up, but usually catch our errors right away. I’ve been going to a couple of support groups in the Sacramento area, and they have both been extremely helpful. Meeting transgender people who have jobs and are involved in relationships is very therapeutic for me. The support that I’ve received from the people in the group is very uplifting. In addition to the support groups, I’ve been going to a therapist to help me navigate this new journey. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is if we are learning how to swim…my husband was able to swim a lap within a few days, but it’s taken me about 6 weeks! However, I think I finally managed to get to the deep end without my floaties!! 🙂 Every once in a while, I’ll see something (i.e. prom dresses at Macy’s) and I’ll get teary-eyed, thinking about all those times I went shopping with my daughter for homecoming & prom dresses. However, like Transmom has said…Time Does Heal…even though those fears still manage to creep back into my mind. Hopefully, eventually, I will be able to deal with those fears. Hang in there!!!

      Reply
      • transmom October 6, 2015 at 11:33 pm #

        Thanks sooo much for update, joanne2sons!!I love the swimming without floaties metaphor!! Here my kiddo is in LAW SCHOOL on a FULL-RIDE SCHOLARSHIP and I STILL worry- really?!! Welcome to my land of being a mom!! Hugs to both you and to The View From Here!!

  50. Popcorn1982 October 11, 2015 at 8:11 pm #

    Hello. My 12 year old just told me yesterday that he has always felt like a girl. I just thought he would be gay and effeminate. I am accepting of it i have just not stopped cryin the past 12 hours. Knowing that he has been so sad this whole time devastates me.

    Reply
    • transmom October 12, 2015 at 3:52 am #

      Hi Popcorn1982! I so understand what you are going through right now! I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know that you do NOT have to blame yourself! Soooo many of us loving moms feel immediate guilt and blame ourselves when we know that our children have experienced pain. I hear your devastation in this news from your 12 year-old! Here’s another consideration: this is not a path that you knew about or encouraged. You believed from your own experience what would be (your son to be gay). I did the same exact thing with my (now) son! I didn’t know any transgender folks and that possibility wasn’t anywhere in my psyche! I knew many gay folks, and that was an easy place to explain the differences I saw in my child. It was easy for me to make it all make sense to me by assigning him “to that box”. Correct? no. Strategic? No. Insightful? No. But that doesn’t mean I did my child harm, nor was it my fault! This is not YOUR fault. You are there for your 12 year-old NOW!! Hell, adolescence sucks for almost everyone on the planet; yours will have different challenges, but will not be alone because they have you NOW!! You will have enough to consider in these next months, so the sooner you are able to forgive yourself, the better!! You love your kid. They will be safe and sound with you as their supporter and advocate!! If it is at all possible during this crazy emotional time, I hope you can save the tears for your private hours and bring support, strength and encouragement in the face of your child!! Good luck to you!! Please know there are so very many moms just like you that have weathered the tears and found joy in the transformation of their authentic children!!

      Reply
  51. Rachelle Berman October 19, 2015 at 3:09 pm #

    My son is eighteen and has just told me he wants to be a women

    Reply
    • transmom October 20, 2015 at 3:55 am #

      Hi Rachelle. Are you shocked by this news? Transitioning from male to female is not typically an easy journey.How are you doing with this news?

      Reply
    • Coley October 21, 2015 at 9:07 pm #

      Hi Rachel… I too just learned from my openly 18yrs old gay son, that he wants to undergo total transformation to female. I love my child w/ ALL my heart and as his mom, I’ll support and love him through its entirety. You guys, please remember me and my fam in your prayers, as I’ll continue to uplift ALL of you as well!!! There is NO shame in being the parent of a gay child… The shame is in being ashamed!!!

      Reply
      • transmom October 31, 2015 at 3:41 am #

        You are so very right, Coley!! There is no shame in loving your kid- no matter how they present themselves!!! I pray that you continue to have the strength to be the loving mom you are meant to be!!

  52. Norma October 25, 2015 at 9:10 pm #

    I have a sibling hat is trans. He is becoming a female. But there are a lot of issues with him and that has broken up our family emotionally. My parents completely support him in all this and so do I and my other sister. But even with all that support there are a lot of issues he has. He does not want to get any help. He says he knows what they will tell him so he doesn’t need help. We just got into a small physical argument that tore everyone apart. He dust respects my parents and just stays home. He hasn’t left the house in about 3yrs and refuses too. He is highly loved and has support from everyone. I just don’t know what to do anymore. My parents don’t know what to do. They are both Spanish speaking and have some trouble looking for help. Please help us!

    Reply
    • transmom October 31, 2015 at 3:57 am #

      I wish I had the perfect answer for you, Norma…unfortunately, I really only have a few suggestions. It seems like since your brother hasn”t been out of the house for 3 years, there is more going on for him than only gender issues. I hope that he will be able to get some counseling. Have you researched support groups and mental health programs in your area? Even if he is not willing to seek professional help- you and your parents CAN!! This will at least help you cope with the stress at home!! Good luck to you!

      Reply
  53. JeanG October 30, 2015 at 5:40 am #

    So thankful for this site – reading all the entries has helped me to realize that I am not the only mother out there with a 24 year old son who is transgender. My husband died a few months ago and now my son tells me he is transgender and going to Thailand after Christmas for surgery to change him to a female, also to make his male nose smaller and maybe forehead surgery too.. I feel as though I have had 2 deaths in the family, my husband and now my son. I cried for them both and thought I would tell my son that I couldn’t bear to see him after the surgery – his body works perfectly and he wants to slice it up, I can’t believe it and don’t understand it. Like others heartfelt entries here, I feel as though he has thrown away all we have tried so hard to do when raising him, even the name we gave him and that maybe I should get out of his life as well.

    Reply
    • transmom October 31, 2015 at 3:53 am #

      such a horribly painful time for you, Jena G! I hope by the time you read my note to you that you have been able to speak with your son again.I think the fact that so many are willing to travel all the way to Thailand speaks to the desperation they must feel to transition! I hope that his surgeries go well and that you two will have time to heal together!

      Reply
  54. Elizabeth Dennis November 5, 2015 at 1:03 pm #

    Hi
    I am crying at “losing”my beautiful boy. I just found out that at 25years old he is taking hormone therapy for transgender. He has changed his name also. I support him and in the back of my mind i know everything is alright however , i am grieving about this. Just found out yesterday

    Reply
    • transmom November 8, 2015 at 10:28 pm #

      Hi Liz! Of course you are crying and grieving with this news- it is not what we expect when we bring a baby into the world and nurture them for 25 years! Hang in there- I know he will appreciate your ability to be supportive and continue to love him!! He will need your support- transitioning is not easy!! Give yourself a big hug and know there are lots of moms going through this with you! You are NOT alone!!

      Reply
  55. jlockwoodphotography November 6, 2015 at 4:46 am #

    I need help. My sister, formally my brother, has been estranged from my family for almost a decade. She talks to me every now and then, but we are not close. Ive known about the transition for a few years now but have not told my parents because 1) Im scared 2) Its her story to tell if she wants to. The problem is we all live in the same town and she is an amazing activist in this area. She is starting to make the news for her seriously awesome activism for transgender rights in the workplace. So now I feel like I need to tell my parents so they hear it from me, not the news. I feel my mom is going to be very upset with me for doging questions about her for a few years and not telling her what is really going. I feel stuck and anxious. At the same time I dont want to tell them. As a mom myself I cant imagine the pain of one of my sons not talking to me for 10 year then being introduced to your daughter on the news?? What do I do? But I dont know what telling them will do either. Do i just ride it out forever? She wants nothing to do with our parents so a relationship doesnt matter to her at all. But im there and they know I have a way of communicating. I just dont know if I can hold the axiety of lying to them, but im too scared to get it over with. Help. Thoughts?

    Reply
    • transmom November 8, 2015 at 10:38 pm #

      You are in a tough spot!! Of course you are scared!!! I think at the end of the day, you have to be able to live comfortably with yourself. Personally, I would ask your sister to give you her blessing to share this news with your parents. If your sister does not want anything to do with your parents, then I think that she would be okay knowing that this would help YOU. I am hopeful that since there has been so much more recently on that news about transgender rights and people coming out, that your parents will perhaps be more open that they might have been years ago. I think that you can only explain that this was never your news to share so you didn’t…but now that this may become public- you care enough about how they feel and might learn of this news, that you are willing to step up- even if it causes discomfort and anger. I will require sitting down and having time to explain all of your feelings! Good luck to you!!!! You are a loving daughter and sister to want to preserve BOTH relationships while continuing to respect the feelings of each!!!!

      Reply
  56. LovingMom November 12, 2015 at 2:39 pm #

    I just stumbled across your posts and they’ve really hit home. My son told us this summer he is a girl. He is 15. We are very open and loving and seeking help. He’s seeing s specialist. What I can’t get over is that there is not one single sign he is female. I read a post that said he might as well have said he’s a giraffe. I identified with that. I swear I will be supportive and the biggest activist once I understand it. He has a history of ocd and diving into things. We wondered at first if this is like that but now I do think it’s real. I’m so worried and scared. My husband is amazing, thank God we have each other. I know I’m not moving fast enough for my son. I’m trying. We go see the specialist soon so that should help. Thx for listening.

    Reply
    • transmom November 17, 2015 at 4:21 am #

      Hi LovingMom! That you are!- a loving mom!! I am so happy to know you are seeking a specialist. Having outside support with experience can be so important. Like so many times that we moms find ourselves dealing with a child that is not really hearing our opinions or feelings (“you are just my mom-duh”)…it can be helpful to have an OUTSIDE voice be the one of reason! THAT voice kids are often more likely to listen to! In addition, it sure helped me not to feel like I was insane. I was able to ask many questions that I learned lots of moms ask (and many of these I had to hear answers for MORE than once): “Could I have caused this?” and “I don’t really see this as REAL- Should I argue with her?” and “I’m terribly sad but don’t want to appear unsupportive- what do I do?” It’s so difficult to believe our kids when this seems so be soming out of left field- but this is NOT our call. It is not OUR body. You, LovingMom, are doing the right thing- you are walking alongside your child the best way you know how! Hang in!

      Reply
    • LovingMom November 25, 2015 at 11:59 am #

      Thank you so much. It is great to talk to someone who understands. This week my husband and I met with the gender specialist. After several sessions with my son, he says he definitely confirms his gender dysphoria. It was almost a relief. My son has struggled for so long and we never knew why. We don’t know what the end result will be and my son isn’t either but we are in it together. Thx so much!

      Reply
      • transmom November 26, 2015 at 4:26 am #

        I’m glad there is some relief knowing that the path you are on is the right one!! Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!!

  57. Judy November 13, 2015 at 11:20 pm #

    I am proud of my translady but do admit it is unfamiliar teritory for me but one I am sure to love and support her through it! I’m scared of the side effects her shots started today…

    Reply
    • transmom November 17, 2015 at 4:24 am #

      This is a scary journey, Judy- I agree!! There have been so many folks that have remained on hormones successfully that I have faith my son will live a healthy life. The great part is watching them enjoy the positive effects those hormones provide!!

      Reply
  58. Jacki H. November 16, 2015 at 6:16 pm #

    My son came out to me September 2014 as bi sexual trans female at 34 yrs. old.. I tried to be very open and handle it well I was going through a divorce myself.. he told me it would be a long process and we could go through it together, within 2 weeks hey was totally dressing as a woman came out to his work and legally changed his name within a couple of months oh, I did not handle it well being thrown at me so quickly, so he quit speaking to me and no matter what I do he will not contact me for over a year now.. I even left him a letter on his car telling him to please contact me I love him.., I did not use any gender-specific language he posted it on facebook blasting me as a stocker..my ex husband and other son are really not helpful in this are..I miss the relationship horrible ..I still refer to him in male terms as I have not met the person now as female. .

    Reply
    • transmom November 17, 2015 at 4:42 am #

      I’m so sorry that you are struggling with your relationship with your child, Jacki H! I can hear how devastating this is for you! I don’t know why some children feel the need to struggle with being able to forgive our inability to keep up with their transitions. Certainly not all folks going through transitions do this, just as not all parents are supportive of their child’s transition. All I can offer is to remind you that there are many other moms out there that struggle to find a balanced relationship with their son or daughter! In addition, there are lots of kids- trans or not!- that push their parents away only to welcome them back into their lives years later! I hope you will keep trying and not giving up hope that this will be the case for you. If I had to respond to your now daughter, it would be another note on her car: “Hi (new name), I am the only mother you will ever have. I have always loved you, have never stopped loving you, and never will. If that makes me a stalker, I guess I am!”

      Reply
      • Jacki H November 17, 2015 at 6:05 pm #

        Thank you for your input, that certainly helps me.. and that is a great idea for a note!..My younger son says leave (her) alone until she is ready, but, I miss the relationship so much..

      • transmom November 18, 2015 at 12:04 am #

        You are most welcome, Jacki H! It’s easy for someone else to say, “Leave her alone”…but not so easy when this is your child!! Hey- it’s not as if you are going to continue to try to reach her and really stalk her..this is a one shot deal simple to remind her that you STILL are available for support- that you STILL love her! This, at least, puts your mind at rest that you have tried to extend yourself in the only way you know how and that she will be aware of that. You can’t make her have a relationship, forgive any misunderstandings, etc…but at least she will know where you stand!! Good luck to you!!!

      • Jacki H. November 18, 2015 at 1:52 am #

        I miss the relationship so much, after my first divorce we were alone for 8 yrs..I had him at only 18, we really grew up together!..and I NEVER could have imagined a severed relationship. .I will never lose hope

      • transmom November 18, 2015 at 4:10 am #

        Wow, Jacki- I bet you DO miss your relationship!! Growing up together and then to be a single mom…I know how close you become as a single parent!! Keep up the faith!!

  59. Natalie December 8, 2015 at 9:02 am #

    My daughter was self harming and really hated her self , this broke my hart when I saw what she was doing to her self I just felt so helpless because she wouldn’t tell the doctor s what was wrong, she would just say it was a way of dealing with anger,the doctor did nothing to help ,after she posted something on face book about supporting transgender I started to wonder if that might be the issue so I confronted her one day when she was having another self hate day and asked if it was that and she said yes so I got her the oppreate help ,so this is the start of the journey I want to be supportive of her but worry and wish it wasn’t happening ,my daughter has very dark moods and has trouble sleeping get very stressed easily and sometimes I worry will she be happy when she goes though the transition or could it be depression as there were no signs of this as a child only when she reached puberty but I’ve heard this can happen ,I just worry how she will cope and will all these feelings of hate for her self go away I just want her to be happy it breaks my heart to see her sad .

    Reply
    • transmom December 11, 2015 at 2:31 am #

      Dear Natalie, You are such a loving mother- I can see evidence of this in your note! You didn’t dismiss what you knew where serious problems when the doctor did. You didn’t look the other way when you suspected your daughter’s concerns could be related to her being transgender. And now that she may be considering transitioning and that you worry about this effect on her- you continue to support her! Good for you!! Depression could be one o the symptoms she is feeling- and since you don’t know yet if this is the case, why not encourage her to see a therapist that specializes in transgender issues? I’m sure that ALL transgender folks face sadness before, during and after transitioning- this is not an “easy fix”! This is very complex and navigating the world as a new gender, introducing yourself to family, friends and co-workers can only be stressful!! I know your daughter will appreciate your support no matter what direction this new realization takes! Continue seeking support because that is the healthiest route for BOTH of you!

      Reply
      • Natalie December 11, 2015 at 5:47 pm #

        Thanks for the kind comments it’s good here there others going though the same thing,I

  60. Adriana Thompson December 11, 2015 at 1:00 am #

    My son is Transgender and is 18, I feel like u don’t even know where to start, how do I help him/her?

    Reply
    • transmom December 11, 2015 at 2:59 am #

      Hi Adriana! You are starting right- right by asking here! check out my post called “Showing Up for Your Child”!!
      Also:
      1-Take a look at my resources guide- start finding books that the titles sound like they would be a good “fit” for you. For example, since my son was transitioning from female to male, books by moms in similar situations were really interesting to me. I also liked reading books by female-to-male authors!
      2- If you look at our terms list, that can also be helpful!
      3-Finding a therapist that specializes in transgender issues for you AND your son is ideal- but I understand not everyone has access to such services. Try looking online and contacting your local LGBT center for recommendations!
      4- Also see if you can find a local support group- sitting down with other parents once a month was a LIFE-SAVER for me!!
      5- Start to keep a journal…just getting your thoughts, worries, concerns, questions on paper takes them out of your head and relieves stress!! It will also help you organize your next steps!
      6- Be with your child! Letting them know how much you love them is CRUCIAL to them right now and it gives you something to do that is critically important!! Just being them to listen to them and support will build a bond during a very difficult time!
      7- Pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit!! You are loving!! You are a fabulous mom!!

      Reply
  61. Jen December 16, 2015 at 8:04 pm #

    I am the mother of a transgender child who is only 16. As the mother I want to be there for him, but I dont feel ready. I dont know what to do before I lose him.

    Reply
    • transmom December 18, 2015 at 1:28 am #

      Dear Jen- there is no reason to “lose” your him! He will still be there- just transformed into the happy girl he was meant to be!! Now I know this is hard- ridiculously hard- but try to remember it’s not the gender of your child you love, but your child! So many of us moms go straight to worry and fear when we are confronted with such drastic differences! That’s just downright normal!! Since we have never experienced this- something is sure to be horrible, right? But honestly, now that I am four years “out”- I NEVER- and I mean NEVER!! miss my daughter! I have my son, thank God, and he is happy and healthy and amazing in all ways! I can’t miss her because THIS is my authentic child!! He is whom I see in my dreams. His is the voice I hear when I reimagine our conversations. When I think of my child, I see his new name in my head and all this is seamless- without effort. HE is real!
      Embrace everyday of this journey, if you can, Jen…this is not a death…it is merely a physical transformation.

      Try to be present each and every moment because for these first two years there will be so many changes and being a part of this journey is a privilege! He is choosing to experience WITH you rather than apart from you later, as an adult! He trusts you- what a huge compliment at a time when so many teens are struggling to even speak to their parents!!

      -Stay strong: get support from family, friends, a group of parents in the same place you are in
      -Journal
      -Read
      -Sleep and take good care of yourself.
      Most importantly: TRUST!! Trust your child! Trust the journey!

      Reply
    • transmom January 13, 2017 at 12:56 am #

      I don’t think any of us are ever “ready “, Jen! We moms just have to dig deep and get on board -as one mom said here awhile back- “before the train leaves the station”! And you’re right: you DO need to act before you lose communication! Many teenagers are quick to dismiss adult support when they themselves feel in jeopardy-it’s a form of self-preservation, if you will. So your just standing up and authentically saying, “I’m here for you!” is super important right away-before he becomes defensive. It’s okay to admit this is all completely new to you and scary to you! Tell him that he’s not alone- you love him no matter what and that you’ll start by educating yourself so that you can be supportive in the ways he needs most. Those words alone can break the ice and begin an open dialogue!! Meanwhile, I highly recommend finding a support group that you both can attend (after all, you have different needs) and/or a counselor/therapist experienced with gender issues. I did both and it made my journey so much better!!!!! I felt supported and learned from other parents going through the same stages what to do. A 16 year old still requires their parent as their advocate -ESPECIALLY in this situation!

      I know you will be able to start, Jen, by reassuring your son that you love him -no matter what. You’ll figure this out with him-he’s not alone! Start there: I know you you will be relieved in doing so!!

      My best to you!!

      Reply
    • Sue January 13, 2017 at 8:39 am #

      Hi, my son is about to take hormones. He doesn’t look remotely female, is 26 and 6’3. We met for dinner last night. He is the same person. I think he was wearing a woman’s jumper …because it was too small across the shoulders.
      I am terribly sad for him and for me. I won’t have grandchildren, (selfish of me?) he is/was my only son, and my son, soon to be female, may have problems with prejudice (he’s so tall).
      However he’s still the same person and he seems happy. He knows how I feel but I have told him that I want him to be happy. I cry daily but he knows I love him. He’s coming home for a birthday soon. I guess I have to accept it. He hasn’t changed inside. I think the point I’m trying to make is that he is the same person regardless of which sex he/she wants to be, so it’s not as bad as I thought, and I’m still his/her Mum. And obviously I struggle with pronouns.
      Bottom line is I want my child in my life, to communicate and to be happy. It’s going to be ok I think.
      Very best wishes, you’re not alone.

      Reply
      • transmom January 17, 2017 at 9:13 pm #

        Thanks for your note, Sue! You are absolutely correct: at the end of the day, this is all about recognizing that your child- no matter how different the exterior- is your child!! All children grow up and choose their own life…of course we as moms hope they will have an easy time of it, find love, enjoy a family, etc! It’s part of the expectations we have along the way. AND THOSE DREAMS CAN STILL COME TRUE FOUR OUR TRANSGENDER KIDS!!! The transgender folks I have met have known struggles along the way to be sure- some are still struggling- but others have found contentment! They have loving partners and supportive friends. I think the happiest are those that feel supported by their families!!

        I encourage you to prepare for your child’s birthday in a way that will help you be the most supportive: perhaps plan some fun alone time? A shopping trip- either online or out in the city? Find something special for her that shows that you have been thinking of her in a feminine way…does she need a new handbag? makeup? a trip to someone that is “gender friendly” to get a desired area waxed or a enjoy a facial?
        It can be a more difficult transformation for MTF folks….beards can be stubborn and may need extensive electrolysis. But before her birthday, you can research lots online!! Ask her how you can make the time special!!

      • Sue January 18, 2017 at 7:31 am #

        Thank you. You seem so lovely about it and have accepted it. I’m still in good communication with my son/daughter but reading your reply made me realise that I’m not ready to take him/her shopping for a handbag. I’m finding it really tough. I’m trying really hard and I’m not prejudiced against anyone on the planet …it’s just that everything I loved and was proud of for the last 26 years has turned itself on its head. I’m trying and I love my child but I’m finding it really tough. Others only want to talk to me about it and I think it’s just because it’s interesting. It’s very interesting to other people. However as I said, my “child” is the same person and I shall get there somehow. Time will help I guess? Anecdotally, even I don’t use a handbag, I prefer pockets 🙂 Sue.

      • transmom January 18, 2017 at 7:29 pm #

        Hi Sue! I soooo get that you are not ready for the pocketbook buying trip!! I only suggested “buying the handbag” because that was how a friend “began” with her son when he transitioned to female. It was her way to step outside herself and say, “I embrace the new you!”. I must say that doing the shopping thing with my (now) son was rather cathartic for me as well. It forced me into doing something that would have been ordinarily so mundane, but had somehow become incredibly intimidating! Afterward, I felt relieved and I must admit, even proud of myself! It was a poignant bonding time for the two of us…a new “first” in a stream of what would be many firsts.

        Perhaps now you just sit together and do some online shopping? It may make some of the scarier topics more approachable – what kinds of clothes do you prefer? Do you like certain colors now that you wouldn’t have worn before? and then consider talking about other topics. Are there books or magazines that she thinks would help you understand your journey better? What does she need from you most? People are very interested in talking about her- is there anything that she would like you to share- or NOT share? These kinds of inquiries are respectful and supportive to her transition. I guarantee that she will appreciate and be able to more readily acknowledge your “trying”!!

        Yes, Sue, time ABSOLUTELY helps!!! But it is not time alone that makes this transition successful….I’m here to tell you that you will need to really push yourself to extend yourself into doing what is uncomfortable. That ongoing actual practice of using the correct pronouns, sharing with friends, and spending time with your daughter in public is what extends the time between tears…that practice of the actual acts of acceptance is what will make this your new normal!!

        My best to you! Keep working it ! You are on your way!!!

      • Sue January 18, 2017 at 9:12 pm #

        Thank you! I really admire you.
        My child is 6’3 I’m just so worried about it. I’ll get there. I still struggle to comprehend why, but I do understand that it’s to make him/her happy and if course that’s what I want too. We communicate (I text and get a reply) almost daily so it’s all going to be fine I hope.
        Thank you so so much for listening and coming back so positively.

      • transmom January 20, 2017 at 1:34 am #

        My pleasure, Sue!

        I so get why you would be worried! “Passing” is something that is important to a lot of transfolks and their families. I know for my son, he seemed absolutely giddy when he first began to pass as male. I understand that your son may not be so lucky: it’s hard to “blend in” when you are 6’3″ as a male and most certainly so as a female!

        Even though you are struggling with your own journey right now (WHICH IS EXPECTED!!) I can hear that you are on your way! Try considering that no one would choose to go through this level of scrutiny unless they absolutely have to! I hope this will help you not necessarily understand the “why”, but at least comprehend and respect your daughter’s profound need to transition!

        Keep hanging in!!

  62. Eileen January 4, 2016 at 4:30 pm #

    Thank you for this site. My situation I am sure is not unusual and yet I am alone in it. It is actually not ‘my situation’ but my child’s with her mother (me).

    My daughter, and I will call her that until she tells me to call her something else, did not come out to me as transgender. I learned if this and then went online to see if I could verify that she considered herself transgender. This way, the information wasn’t received from a third party and even though there were many ways I had surmised it already, I preferred to know that she indeed felt this way.

    My search produced an article she authored in with the article she identified herself as ‘trans.’ Since all this occurred after a terrible visit with her at college, I sent her a well thought out note expressing my knowledge and acceptance. She did not reply. Nor did she bring it up when she visited home the next two times. A psychologist at her high school who was aware of all of this for years, suggested if the moment was right, I ask if she preferred to be called by a different name. We had such a moment but she was angry. She said that she never intended to come out to me. That she wanted to keep me out of that part of her life. When I objected that this would essentially keep me out of almost all aspects of her life, she remained resolute. I asked her if she would help to educate me. I reiterated old apologies and new, heartfelt promises. I am saddened to know that she planned and plans to keep me at an extreme distance for the unforeseen future.

    I have been reading books. I have been seeking other information. I want to support her in her life wherever it takes her, personally, professionally politically wherever.

    Today I am having coffee with a transgender co-worker and I hope to understand more from my child’s perspective. She is the same age as my daughter and though she has come out to some, she hasn’t to her parents. We are dealing with the opposite ends of similar situations.

    Still this morning for the first time I had immeasurable anxiety over all of this. It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

    Hopefully there is support and guidance out here to help me navigate. I know it’s not about me but there is a part of me that can’t help but feel as though there are all these children coming out to their parents and when I want to do what I can to support her, well I don’t understand completely why she doesn’t want me in her life unless she doesn’t trust me or love me. And I understand that may be the case. And even if someone is your child they don’t have to love you or trust that their best interests are all you have for them…. Thanks

    Reply
    • transmom January 15, 2016 at 4:39 am #

      So sorry that it has taken me a while to get back to you, Eileen!! It is very interesting that you have written asking about this because just last week I spoke to another mother that is in the SAME position as you!! She is also filled with unconditional love and support for her adult child and has been reaching out- only to be dismissed and rejected. Only you can truly understand and feel the pain that she is also undergoing! Would you like to speak with her by phone? If you go to my FB page, you can leave me a private message and I can “hook you up”. I also had two moms from a local support group offer to get contact and reach out to her- perhaps you can speak with them as well!! I know my connections with other moms has meant the world to me!! Please consider it, Eileen!!

      Reply
      • sadmom January 22, 2016 at 8:28 pm #

        I have recently had an experience somewhat similar to Eileen’s, though at this point, I seem to have lost contact with my adult child entirely. I am also still referring to my child as ‘she’ as I am not sure how she is identifying herself. She came out as bisexual a few years ago, while she was in college, but later told me that she is ‘gender nonbinary’ and some other things I’m not sure I completely understand. I do know that she likes to wear men’s clothes and is trying to do things to make herself look more masculine. She has not officially come out and said she is transitioning, but I suspect that could be what is going on with her, or at least it is something she is strongly considering. I have told her that my love is unconditional, but in our last conversation she accused me of using gender pronouns after having asked me not to even though I am almost certain this was not the case. I told her that I hadn’t, or that if I had, it was not intentional, and that she need to be a bit patient with me too. This is apparently not what she wanted to hear, telling me she did not want any contact with me until further notice. She had told me recently that she wants nothing from her past life, her childhood, in terms of things, and I suspect she has been searching for a reason to get me out of her life as well (she has become increasingly confrontational or sullen when we talk) because it reminds her that she was born a female. I don’t know if it will be possible to talk to my child again, as in spite of the fact I begged her not to cut me out of her life, she seems determined to do so. I can understand how she might think this will be better for her – and maybe it will in fact be – but it is killing me. If she is finding the life she wants, and this is the only way she can do it, I will have to accept it, but maybe their are some other moms or parents out there who have been through something similar and give some advice on how to handle such things. I haven’t had a chance yet to read through the entries on you site, but plan to do so after posting this. I am so thankful that you made this blog, and wish the best for the parents and kids out there in their life’s journey.

      • transmom January 25, 2016 at 1:23 am #

        Dear Sadmom- I hear your pain and anguish and I am sending you a virtual hug! I wish I could hold your hand, look you in the eye, and promise everything is going to turn out the way that would make you happiest. Alas, that ain’t happening! Truth is, this challenging relationship piece is not only regulated to transkids and their families!! This is a broken relationship and this time, it just happens to be centered around your child’s identity and their struggle around that. I am suggesting that this “disconnect” also occurs in families around their child’s relationship with someone that the family doesn’t approve of or a change in occupation that parents aren’t excited about. For example, close friends of ours haven’t heard from or spoken to their son for 6 years! Why? He had always struggled with drug use and wasn’t able to hold down a steady job. He decided to go into the medical marijuana business. They voiced their concerns and voila! He was history! One conversation and he had come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to bother with them. Really?!! Whoa! I share this because I think there are sometimes when some of our adult children need to behave in extreme ways in order to move on and make independent choices. When I hear about these different scenarios between parents and children, I can only (1) scratch my head in disbelief and confusion, and (2) appreciate how fortunate I am not to be experiencing that challenge firsthand!
        Sadmom, you are doing what you can!! I encourage you to keep “the fires burning” : the love in your heart maintained, the openness of spirit ongoing, and your willingness to listen at the ready!! The best to you!!

      • Eileen January 25, 2016 at 1:30 am #

        I am so sorry to hear about your situation. This is my great fear, that my daughter will eventually completely cut me out of her life. I do understand the complexities our children are confronting, and part of me also comprehends their desire to try not to remember their earlier lives but I don’t understand why they would want to, without giving us a chance after learning more about our kids, to try to adapt our thinking and behavior to allow us to address and refer to them properly, to realize our live and support is undying and to know that forever we will support them unconditionally.
        My daughter continues to maintain contact with me (from college) on almost a daily basis though usually about benign matters. We don’t discuss this very often. I don’t know if she intends to allow me back in one day. For now I am just trying to educate myself as best I can and carry on hoping for the best, preparing for less than the best… It’s difficult though wanting to support and effectively being shut out.

      • transmom January 25, 2016 at 1:32 am #

        Thanks for joining in on this conversation, Eileen! I know the insights you have shared will be helpful to not only “Sadmom”, but to countless other readers!!

      • Eileen January 25, 2016 at 2:06 am #

        Thank you. I have learned that others who identify as transgender – who are not our family members – are much more forgiving, reasonable and understanding of those from a different generation who didn’t grow up with this vocabulary and lifestyle verbalized. I work with a 19 year old who is transgender. She and I spoke about our individuals challenges one day for over a half hour. I was so incredibly lucky to be afforded that opportunity. Every so often I say ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ and she is so okay with that: she understands I didn’t do it on purpose, didn’t intend to offend… She realizes my generation didn’t grow up as did my childrens’ generation.
        I have offered her a place to stay (and gave her a key) since she would like to move out of her parents home but really doesn’t have the ability to rent a place yet. I feel life is hard enough as is that if I can offer her some peace away from a stressful situation, it’s the least I can do. I would hope that someone do that fo my daughter if she felt that way and that person was able.
        Anyway, to be sure, these situations are very difficult. One hopes there is fluidity in the feelings, that minds will change, and acceptance on both sides will occur for everyone who has such challenges as we do.

      • transmom January 25, 2016 at 2:46 am #

        So well articulated, Eileen! You are so generous of spirit- bless you! I hope that your child will recognize that soon!

  63. lilly January 23, 2016 at 9:29 am #

    I am so supportive of my child. I had a boy who is a girl. I feel a loss, am I ignorant?

    Reply
    • transmom January 25, 2016 at 1:30 am #

      Hi Lily! You are NOT, NOT, NOT ignorant!! YOU ARE A NORMAL LOVING PARENT THAT WASN’T EXPECTING THIS!! Please read some of my blog posts from over the last 4 years!! I have ABSOLUTELY felt a loss along with a myriad of other emotions throughout my son’s transition!! Frankly, some of them I am not exactly proud of feeling: I was initially embarrassed. I worried about what others thought of me. But I have forgiven myself those way less than generous thoughts and feel, instead, a new appreciation for my son’s strength and conviction! I am buoyed by the unconditional love I learned to inhabit along the way! You, too, will go through many thoughts, worries, and concerns because, well, you are a mom AND you are in a position of challenge…one you are willing to take on! Good for you!! Keep feeling! Keep supporting and loving your kid!!

      Reply
  64. Corie Dickinson January 27, 2016 at 1:07 am #

    My daughter came out 3 years ago being gay, I kind of knew something was up. Well 3 years later she is now telling me she is transgender and wanting to start hormones! I love her and support her but I’m not sure if she is serious. Should I show her pictures, that I have seen since I started this journey, and the scares are atrocious! I’ve cried every night for 3 nights so far! Her dad will find out next month. He just accepted her bring gay! Oh Lord!

    Reply
    • transmom February 1, 2016 at 1:47 am #

      Hi Corie!! My experience was similar to yours…I accepted my child as being “gay” and then was hit with her (it feels super weird for me to even say “her” now!!) being transgender! I think for some individuals (and I certainly do not know if this is true for your daughter), they are not initially certain of who they truly are and may think that being gay is an answer to the dissidence they experience. I have come to learn that NO transgender people- male nor female at birth-takes transition lightly! Even the youngest children are EXTREMELY serious about this! In order to pass as male, my son was willing to bind his chest so tightly, that he developed horrendous daily back pain. It became a medical NECESSITY that we consider top surgery. Yet, he did not want to burden us with, so was willing to continue living in pain in order to be himself. How could that ever be okay? I know I would absolutely seek medical help if I was in pain daily!! That experience made me appreciate just how serious this transition was for my child. For his health. For his life.

      I believe with all my heart that your should take your daughter seriously, Corie! Steel yourself for difficult conversations so that you may better understand her journey thus far and how she came to this conclusion about herself! Listen to what she knows about herself. Yes, you can find lots of poorly done surgeries pictures, But there are also fabulous results! It’s about finding a doctor with experience! Do your research!! Good luck to your family!!!

      Reply
  65. amy February 11, 2016 at 4:43 am #

    I just recently found out that my son is living a transgender life and has started the process to change physically. I come to tears, sobbing even as I type this, when it comes to this subject. I have so many emotions that are so overwhelming. I need this site. Just when I was thinking i needed a support group…..thanks.

    Reply
    • transmom February 24, 2016 at 12:00 am #

      I’m so sorry that you are in such pain, Amy! So many of we moms have experienced the same! We want to much for our children to be happy, contented and lead an authentic life…and yet, when they choose to go this route to achieve that, we are filled with such fear and loss of what we know, that we are sometimes unable to see the positive potential in this change! I have found that we, too, have to “transition” if you will…we need to take time to become the mom of a different gendered child…it’s actually not difficult, but there is a whole lot of emotional baggage that we bring with us that makes this a challenging process! We worry that our friends and family will judge us and judge our child negatively. We worry that our children will not find love, jobs, or happiness. We worry that they will “try” this and then “go back”. We know that there are crazy folks out there and worry about the safety of our children. We worry we “did something”. Sound familiar?!! Give yourself time, Amy! Allow the tears, but keep reminding yourself that your child is NOT DEAD- thank God they are merely changing their appearance. Your child is going to be happier, so keep telling yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that his happiness is his new reality. Get busy reading, journaling and finding other moms in your area so that you are not alone!! Hang in there!! Write any time!! You’ve got this!!

      Reply
    • penwolfson March 9, 2016 at 4:41 pm #

      I’m with you, Amy! All I can say is, it will get less painful, but it will take time. I’ve been going through this transition with my 23-year-old child for more than a year, and even though I sometimes still feel sad, we can finally talk and joke and hug. And I can see how much happier my child is.

      Reply
      • transmom March 15, 2016 at 10:54 pm #

        Sooo happy to hear that, Penwolfson! It’s encouraging to hear that, with time, we find our way! Motherhood is the constant our children need!

  66. Karen February 12, 2016 at 7:26 pm #

    My daughter is getting her first shot today to transition into a male. Although I support her 100% I can’t help feel sad. Not even sure why. I don’t know anyone that is or has dealt with anything even close. Although I have kind friends n family no one can seem to help me. Selfish reasons I’m sure but does everyone feel this?

    Reply
    • transmom February 24, 2016 at 12:08 am #

      Everyone I have spoken to has felt similarly!! It’s one thing to support your kid and another to have feelings about the whole process. You are allowed to have both simultaneously!! It is NOT fair that our kids have to do this to become themselves! It is NOT fair that outsiders feel they have the right to an opinion about something so personal. It is NOT fair that you have to be the first among your friends and family to experience this. I had that same feeling, Karen…I didn’t know where to turn! It took me months to find the right-fit group…and I’m in Los Angeles where one would think that one could find anything easily….but not so 4-5 years ago!! Friends tried to be kind and supportive, but I perceived a sense of sadness behind their eyes. I didn’t want pity- I wanted someone to say, “I didn’t sign up for this either!! I so agree!!!”…so feel free to contact the readers and me! I encourage you to continue to search for like-minded and like-experienced parents!! I SOOO get you, Karen!!

      Reply
    • cryingmom February 25, 2016 at 10:18 pm #

      good luck, my daughter has taken three shots and it does start changing them, I Love my daughter and we where told in Dec and asked if she could move back home to be with us to go and be with her through it all. and it has not been that way at all, it is hard and we are with her and trying to understand it all, But it is hard to talk with her about it. she tells me you don’t understand and walks away to her room. it is true about feeling like your child is dead. It is a whole new way in your life.

      Reply
      • transmom March 1, 2016 at 4:03 am #

        I would disagree with the semantics…I believe that our CHILDREN do not die- instead, their former IDENTITIES die…our children are VERY MUCH ALIVE and MUCH happier!! WE mourn the loss because we loved that part of our kids. But just like a mother who learns to look past her child’s disfigurement after an accident, we learn to see our child transformed!

  67. Ann February 23, 2016 at 7:16 am #

    I’m desperately unhappy , my daughter has cut me out her life , lives with her father now and refuses to see or speak to me . We were so close up until a year ago , she then started getting more distant , depressed , failed her AS levels and now is living with her father as a lad , wants to be known as Alex and has even started a part time job in the male gender ( I only know this all through my eldest son ) .im so scared for her , she needs support and love but I’m not supposed to know . Please help

    Reply
    • transmom February 24, 2016 at 12:25 am #

      So many family relationships are very complicated, Ann! You are not alone in that! It is even more challenging when there are kids of divorce that still live with one of the parents because it’s easy for the other parent to be polarized. It’s usually not because of one single factor that leads to this. Many times, there has been an ongoing issue with communication breaking down. Many times, one parent is able to be treated in a “favored” way because that type of behavior is accepted by the parent who is aligned with the child. That kind of situation is very difficult to rectify because it takes” buy in” from the other parent to push for better communication and cooperation!! I would recommend counseling- a knowledgeable therapist can help make connections and build bridges EVEN when there is disharmony …as a family or in therapy alone with your child. If they are not willing, then I recommend that you write your child and let them know that you are wanting desperately to connect, to support them, to love them, but are unsure of how to do that…keep reaching out!!! Good luck!!

      Reply
  68. Cheryl February 28, 2016 at 2:26 am #

    I can not accept my precious daughter as a boy. I physically get I’ll just looking at her now. She went to college and got lost.

    Reply
    • transmom March 1, 2016 at 4:14 am #

      Hi Cheryl. We all bring different levels of acceptance into a challenge such as this! Our upbringings, previous experiences and values play into our reactions. I hear that this is INCREDIBLY painful and difficult for you! With that said, however, you DO have a choice: you can simply accept that you will feel this way and never vary from this while causing certain loss of any relationship with your daughter. Or, you can acknowledge that you are devastated and share with your daughter that you need time and, perhaps, some space to deal with this pain….that you ask her not to abandon you as that it is not your intention to abandon her. Share with her that it FEELS like she went away and lost herself. I would ask you to please consider having her share with you
      how SHE feels and why this huge decision is authentic for her. Acceptance does not happen overnight. I hope you will consider giving your relationship with your daughter the gift of time. You gave her the gift of life once…I, for one, believe that time and a commitment to love is indeed a part of that very gift. Thanks for considering.

      Reply
  69. penwolfson March 8, 2016 at 10:43 pm #

    Thanks for this site. I have a similar situation; my 22 year old son “came out” over a year ago. It was a total shock to me, and very upsetting for a long while. Now I am in a much better place and getting to know my child on a different level. But I, too, suffered the worst of it pretty much on my own, though with support of husband, family, and friends. It’s only now I’m reaching out to others in my situation.

    Reply
    • transmom March 10, 2016 at 7:17 pm #

      We are right here beside you, “Penwolfson”! I am happy to write nto you personally off this site-if you are on FB, you can leave me a message through my FB page Transforming Love:Support for Mothers of Transgender Children.
      Meanwhile, have you searched in your area for a parent support group? I found it great to meet with other moms- even when they had younger kids than I! Sometimes it made me realize how lucky I was NOT having had to navigate childhood-these moms are ROCK STARS!! Do you live near a large city where you might find such support ?

      Reply
  70. Eileen March 9, 2016 at 2:04 am #

    I think that I have realized something recently. I don’t know if others have felt this way. But my child told me that she had no intentions of ever coming out to me as transgender. I kind of knew and then it was confirmed when I read an essay she wrote which was published online where she identifies as trans. I know she uses ‘they’ and ‘them’ as her pronouns and she uses another name at school, but since she hasn’t come out to me, has chosen to exclude me from this, I still refer to my child as a female. (I asked if she preferred I use another name, etc, but she has shut me out)

    In any event, I think that it is natural to have a period of ‘mourning’ the loss of your child as they once were. Ideally, one would mourn that briefly and then embrace their child with their current identity. So I feel I’m in limbo. I’ve lost my daughter, but I don’t get to embrace my son. I want to be able to.

    I know this is not about me. My child is dealing with a lot. And I guess it’s understandable that my child wants to control these aspects of life, but I guess I wish my child, who professes to be so liberal and open and understanding and accepting would, just for a moment see things from a mother’s perspective and just try to let me in. I’m happy to embrace my child as my son if only I’m allowed to. And that is my current frustration.

    Thanks for listening.

    Reply
  71. katie March 10, 2016 at 9:49 pm #

    I just found out my 26 year old son is Trans. I’m looking in the Statesville, NC area for support groups for moms. I have read a lot of encouraging things here.

    Reply
    • transmom March 15, 2016 at 10:58 pm #

      Good for you, Katie!! Keep searching to find local moms- until then, we are always here for you! You can also message me on FB on the Transforming Love:Support for Mothers of Transgender Children page and I will message you back personally. Until then, hang in there!!

      Reply
  72. Beth March 15, 2016 at 11:18 am #

    It is a very difficult journey my son is 11 years old I think you have written that beautifully

    Reply
    • transmom March 15, 2016 at 11:21 pm #

      Thank you, Beth! Let’s be honest- eleven can be difficult for a lot of kids- approaching puberty, questioning themselves! They worry is they are good enough or cool enough…then throw in gender conformity and it can be hell! I can only imagine how strong and resilient our trans kids have to become!! Wow! They are incredible! To stand up for what you need and trust about your self at that age is simply amazing! I hope you are able to find a little time each day to tell him how brave he is and how impressed you are with his strength! If he can get through this, then he can tackle ANY obstacle-become anything he wants – his future is open and waiting!

      Reply
  73. Clueless March 16, 2016 at 3:48 am #

    This is my first post, I just learned about my son’s transitioning on March 10th. Through a text. Only because we received the bill for blood work. He is 27 years old and never ever shown any signs. To say the least, I’m floored. Never ever expected this. I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with this. I do love him unconditionally. It was just a shock like no other. I am hurting, but more than anything I worry about him. Honestly I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a wild dream. I have never had so many emotions go through my mind, body and soul. Need support more than I can express

    Reply
    • transmom March 20, 2016 at 2:24 pm #

      “Clueless”, I know you feel just that, but aside from the 18 wheeler that just side-swiped you and left you spinning, I’m hear to tell you that you are NOT “clueless”!! You said it all in your message: “I do love him unconditionally”. The bottom line is, that’s really all that you need to know!! As time propels you forward, you will learn to turn to that unconditional loving space, digging deep and finding resiliency. With that commitment, I can assure you, you will be fine! It DOES take time!! This IS really hard as a mom! But you’ve got this!!

      First step: breathing! in and out! Look for find a place within where you are okay with not having control over this time. Your child is an adult. This change is what he is deciding and desiring! Look for support groups in your area. begin reading. Continue to reach out. Journal. These steps will help you hold it together while you find your footing!!

      Picture your fears being set aside and replace them with an image of your son’s life being anchored by joy and contentment. Your fears ARE real, but, honestly, you can’t be of support to your son if you let those fears consume you!!

      You DO need to be of support to him because that is what is going to help YOU through this process!! Learn about how he got to this place, find out what acceptance looks like to him, and help him move forward. Try to stay in touch without smothering (harder than it sounds when you are worrying).

      THIS IS INCREDIBLY HARD WHEN YOUR CHILD IS AN ADULT!! All of our years of up close and personal mothering skills kick into high gear and we can’t help but want to save our child!! I’ve been there, Sister! But you can ruin your health and your ability to get beyond the fear if you don’t tap into the belief that your son is going to be alright and you both will overcome the present emotional hurdles!! I swear- it DOES get GREAT!! When your child is content and at peace with themselves, YOU WILL BE TOO!!

      We can chat more via my Facebook page if you message me!!I Meanwhile, I’m sending you virtual hugs!!

      Reply
  74. Sherry March 16, 2016 at 6:16 am #

    My oldest child at 21 told us 6 weeks ago that he identifies as trans and with our support wishes to transition to male. It all seems so obvious that we feel stupid for not have realized it in his early years. He never felt comfortable in female gender roles and we allowed him to dress, play and be as he wished-which was all male.

    Thankfully, he has an amazing boyfriend who “loves him for him, not his body”. But sadly, we live in Mississippi where there are no hate laws, no protection and few who care to help. Our only worry I know we have a big journey ahead of us and things are moving so quickly! I’m glad to find an older child blog to follow so I wouldn’t have to it myself! Lol. Our only big worry is someone hurting him. Hopefully, friends and family will eventually come along and his little brother at 18 is thrilled to have a “new” brother.

    Today was the big haircut day! Thankfully, the stylist was very understanding even texting later to make sure he liked his hair. (It had been waist level for years.) I wish everyone- friends, family and community could know how awesome that felt and respond in kind-we’d change the world!

    Best wishes to everyone who comes here. Whether you’re “all for it” or not, I applaud that you’re looking for information and support. Remember, that child you’ve loved is the same child who stands before you now needing your love. Give them a big old hug- no matter their age!

    Reply
    • transmom March 20, 2016 at 2:33 pm #

      Dearest Sherry- BLESS YOU!!! You are so well on your way that you are ALREADY encouragement to so many other moms out there!! Your words speak loudly and clearly to what our kids REALLY require: our ongoing love and support! Sherry- your message was elegant in it’s message:
      “Give them a big old hug- no matter their age!” I can see that the big old hug your son is receiving is MUCH more than the literal embraces he receives from you- but you are PRESENT with him and BEHIND him in very tangible ways: Being there for the important haircut!! Calling him by his chosen pronouns!! Accepting his partner!!
      Your son is blessed to have you- it is clear to me that you do worry, but you are able to already balance that with your focus on support. Keep working that!!

      Thank you for sharing!!!

      Reply
    • katie taylor March 20, 2016 at 9:03 pm #

      I think I’m going to lose it. I love my son dearly, but I do not know how to deal with this. I have been going with him to some coucenlling and today he let me know that I’m the fault in all that has happened to him. I feel so guilty and scared. He likes to scare me with suicide. It has been three weeks since I even prayed to God, because I’m mad at him. I’m just scared and don’t know how to feel. I only know I love my son. I want my son back, the one I have known for 26 years. Now he has disappeared. confused on how to deal. Katie

      Reply
      • transmom March 24, 2016 at 3:24 am #

        Dear Katie, I can only imagine that you feel frightened and like you’re “going to lose it”! I would, too! I have to be honest with you, from my end with the little that you have shared, it seems like he is just lashing out. Not sure how the counselor handled this when he accused you of you being the cause of his problems, but there should be someone that is letting him know that at 26, he has to own his own problems and deal with his life in the present Blaming you or anyone else is not going to help him life his life completely or happily! In my opinion, he sounds like he is able to scare you and get that intended effect because his actions do cause you to react. I recommend that you see the counselor privately and make a plan for how to go forward! The best of luck to you!

  75. Sally March 16, 2016 at 6:53 am #

    I love my daughter immensely. Wow, I said it. Her birth certificate states she is a male. She came out to us last year. Because she is my child, I know 100% that she would never choose this lifestyle. It’s how she was born. I’m a devout christian and my children went to church weekly and attended private christian schools. My daughter wasn’t able to accept herself until college. I never saw a clue about her being transgender, I assume she was hiding her feelings. What pain she must have been experiencing. I’m afraid her upbringing made it difficult for her to accept herself because being transgender is never discussed in a christian environment. She seems happy now. I’ve always prayed to God for happiness to fill my children’s hearts. If this is what it takes to make my daughter happy then more power to her. I have a big issue with her being transgender: I’m frightened for her because of all the hate in this world.

    Reply
    • transmom March 20, 2016 at 2:46 pm #

      Dear Sally- WOW!! I’m impressed!! It is so often that parents struggle to find acceptance of their child when their religious teachings are in conflict with a new identity! You have an amazing heart to put your child first- your DAUGHTER!! (great for you!!)

      I agree that these are very difficult and dangerous times…but, this is the first time that our children ARE able to declare their own identities! As mothers, we need to continue to work within our communities to build acceptance and understanding of our transgender children. As we accept and embrace them, so can others!

      My biggest takeaway form your message is that prayers ARE fulfilled: Your daughter is happy!

      Reply
  76. cat April 1, 2016 at 5:21 am #

    I am beside myself today. Today my 14 yr old son decided to tell me that he is transgender and identifies as a female. Now he wants me to call him Katelyn Nicole and I just don’t know what to do! I feel bewildered! My son who has never shown even the slightest feminine tendency is now telling me he has felt this way since he was 9/10. I just don’t get it. I am having a hard time buying into it all. I hate to be the parent that says it is because of who he is hanging with but we moved to a new community, new school and now he is hanging with a group of LGBT kids and now he tells me this. I told him I love him no matter what and we would talk about it when he comes home but honestly I don’t know how to handle this. I truly feel he is just confused. Like maybe he is attracted to men and equates that with a need to be a girl or something…. Im at a loss. I will love my son regardless of what he feels he is or wants to be….I just don’t see how he can feel he is a female and has never in anyway had any femme tendencies….He was always very much a boys boy. into bugs and baseballs.

    Reply
    • transmom April 4, 2016 at 7:23 am #

      You make a a great point, cat! It is difficult for moms to accept and understand this new reality when we DO see it coming!! I can’t say that adolescent acceptance may not be playing a role in this decision so my best advice is to find a therapist- a professional with experience in gender identity that can work with your son!! I know you will both find the truth if you give this the time and attention this difficult situation requires!!

      Reply
  77. Michele April 7, 2016 at 8:15 am #

    Can not believe I have just found this. Well said! I am a mother of a FTM beautiful child. I am looking for other parents to relate too.

    Reply
    • transmom April 7, 2016 at 8:15 pm #

      Hi Michele! Welcome to a space where we can share ours hopes as well as fears openly. There are so many like us that, with the support of others, can successfully navigate the emotional land mines and focus on the support our children need!! I applaud you for seeing the beauty in your child!!

      Reply
  78. melissa April 16, 2016 at 8:05 pm #

    My son just came out as transgender and he is only 16 yrs old he started out saying he thought he was gay. I’m looking for any resources available to help me comfort him and talk with him. Thank you for anything you can provide. Your story has helped me so much already thank you so much.

    Reply
    • transmom April 19, 2016 at 12:57 am #

      Hi Melissa! I’m so happy to hear you are supporting your son and helping him learn what he needs! Being an adolescent is NEVER easy- imagine going through this simultaneously!! Please check out my Resources page. I also highly recommend finding an experienced therapist in your area!! Someone that you can find through your local LGBT Center would be a great start. many cities have family groups wherein kids can be with other kids like them while the parents meet about their unique needs- that would be best!!
      Good luck to you both!!

      Reply
  79. Melinda Johnson April 26, 2016 at 6:48 am #

    My daughter is transgender ftm I am supportive because I love her/him no matter what. He was also a drug addict an has been clean for months. He is in therapy for drugs, gender dysforia an relationship addiction. I see same councilor.
    But my other daughter is married to a man an they have 2 girls. They have criticized me for years about other daughter…. They push for me to disown even suttle threats about me not seeing gr-daughters. EVERYTIME I do see gr-daughters they say for me not to let my other daughter around them.
    Holidays are horrible!!!! They say if she’s going to be there we’re not coming. They’ve made rude comments to me about her and making fun of her when they say HIM.
    My husband ( her step dad ) is just as bad!
    My life is hell BUT I WILL NOT disown her btw he is now Noah an I’m slowly getting my pronouns adjusted. It’s been so hard to say him, he, Noah when they all are so vicious. I’ve been resently diagnosed w Complex PTSD after 14 years of a child w drug addiction, gay, transgender, homeless etc I had a near death exp an a complete blow up w step-son, husband an daughter!!!
    I am lost!!! Caught between two worlds….. I haven’t seen my grand daughters in 9 months, my step son that I adored as much as he was my own I haven’t talked to in 18 months.
    The grief you feel loosing family is unspeakable agony…. I understand that kind of pain. What I don’t understand is…. How people that are your family think abandoning is ok? Or how can u love an then turn it off? Or why it offends them, when it’s none of their business, an not reason to love or not love……. The person inside is same loving human being!!!
    I am so sorry your family disowned you!
    But they may not be able to bare the turmoil I’ve endured choosing to refuse to disown NO matter how much pressure is put on me!!! I’ve changed job, an cut out two 25 yr friendships to not be criticized or hear their remarks about transgenders. Just left in an aweful mess with my other child??? Can’t disown her either….. I love them both!
    Helpless mom

    Reply
    • transmom April 27, 2016 at 11:29 pm #

      Dear Helpless Mom- I hear your pain- your agony!! Really, none of us is ever promised an easy life- an easy path. And why some of us seem to face a battle around every corner, I know I will never begin to understand. Frankly, it just isn’t fair!

      But, somehow, you appear to be able to get up every time you are knocked down! Incredibly, you have been able to see the insanity of others….and even when surrounded by it- have managed to maintain your own rationality! I COMMEND YOU!!!

      I encourage you to CONTINUE to follow your heart! You know what is right! You have been faced with all of these losses and I believe that you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you would turn your back on your child- even if it would give you access to your grandchildren or stepson! Your heart and your alliance is absolutely where it should be!

      Keep seeking therapy and loving moments with Noah- I believe those will make this journey bearable!!

      You are an AMAZING mother!! Noah is BLESSED to have you by his side, loving him unconditionally!

      Reply
      • bay352015 April 28, 2016 at 3:18 am #

        I’m so sorry you are experiencing all of this pain. I understand as I have some similar problems with family. Not to that extreme but I’ve also dealt with addictions with loved ones and feel like I may have PTSD because of it. This is a confusing issue for family and for long time friends. I have felt the isolation. I also have a ftm adult child. The feeling of loss is overwhelming. The depression and anxiety that has taken over his life is difficult. People try to pretend it doesn’t matter but you can see on their faces that it’s not real. No one seems to understand. Which I also understand because I don’t either. But I just continue to love and embrace my child. I just want happiness for them. ________________________________

      • transmom May 10, 2016 at 11:28 pm #

        Thanks for your support for these moms- it’s always so reassuring to hear from loving moms like you!!!

  80. Suzanne April 30, 2016 at 1:38 am #

    I just found out only a week ago, that our 24 -year-old son has been taking hormones for the past year as a precursor to transgendering. My husband and I are both politically progressive, but this discovery is testing the limits of our liberal persuasion. We love our child immensely, and so we want to do right by him/her. That being said, I feel completely devastated. When I think about what he intends to do, I can’t help but think of it as bodily mutilation! Now if this was happening to somebody else, I wouldn’t see it that way. I would be supportive of that individual’s right to express themselves. I look forward to reading your blog In hopes to better wrap my brain around all of this. At the present, my heart is breaking, so much so, I can’t stop crying!. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my son, but thankfully he/she is still a part of our lives. It’s so confusing. I thank you in advance for your courage and insights into this “Life Altering” family experience.
    I find myself bouncing back and forth like a rubber ball. One moment my thoughts center around our son finding happiness he’s sorely been in need of. The next, I am obsessed with worry and doubt about the outcome and my ability to fully accept these changes.

    Reply
    • transmom April 8, 2018 at 4:03 pm #

      Wow- I just found your comment hidden in this blog’s system…I would love to know how you and your daughter are now!!

      Reply
  81. Carol Secord May 8, 2016 at 10:06 pm #

    If anybody could please help me, tell me how do I handle this, where do I go for help, somebody to talk to. I don’t know what to say, or how to respond once the transition starts. I have a beautiful, gorgeous daughter, almost 21, whom came out 2 yrs ago that she was gay. She has been living with another girl for the past year, and told me 3 weeks ago that she wants to be transgender. I have told her that I am sad that I will loose my only beautiful daughter, I love her and always will no matter what. But, I am hurting so badly inside, I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know where to go, or who to talk to. I am in Collingwood, Ontario, Canada.

    Reply
    • transmom May 10, 2016 at 11:27 pm #

      I am not sure of how the support systems work in Canada, Carol- so I hope someone can respond here. I recommend to all moms to seek the help of a professional counselor or support group that is experienced this gender issues! Are there LGBT support centers near you that might direct you to such support? Meanwhile, continue to talk about your feelings with family members or friends that will be supportive!! I encourage you to read books (check out my reference page) and some of my blogs on what I have experienced- my hope if that you will realize that you are NOT alone and your feelings are VALID and VALUED! You will have your own process around this!!! Accept that this IS tough work- but you are a loving mom that WILL continue to love your child- no matter how they appear or identify!! You CAN do this!! Feel free to message me privately on my FB page: Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children

      Reply
    • bay352015 May 11, 2016 at 3:34 am #

      You have done all you can. You will continue to love your child and gradually accept this change. After all as parents what we want the most is to see them happy and content in life. We want for them to be independent and have a future. If that future depends on them changing what they were when they were young, then so be it. I am happy to continue to have the love of my now ftm child. My concern is that the transition doesn’t seem to be helping the depression and anxiety that I had attributed to being unable to be “who he wanted to be”. My job of parenting has changed now that my children are adults. Some struggles are inevitable and it does them a world of good to find ways to cope as adults. I am always available to listen or give comfort if needed. I also thought that watching the transition would be difficult. And I would be lying to tell you that it isn’t but I try to embrace that this person is still the same inside. Beautiful and loving. Try to find counseling for that someone to talk to. Friends will not always be very understanding and family even more confused but I have found that the world is changing so much and that many more people find this acceptable than they did a few years back.

      Reply
      • transmom May 17, 2016 at 7:39 am #

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It isn’t an easy journey for any parent. Hearing how you are working to accept and focus on loving your child and respecting the person that they are is uplifting for all of us!

  82. Denise May 16, 2016 at 5:19 am #

    I have always been the first to live and let live. I have never discriminated against anyone. To each their own, different strokes for different folks and whatever make you happy. I have 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. Both of my girls are lesbian. I have to say it bothered me some at first but I forfeited they could be a lot worse things than lesbians. They could be on drugs, they could dying from something with no cure or they could be dead. Life goes on. Of the 2 girls I suspected one could be a lesbian when grew up. The second the never expected, I had no clue and I took it harder than the child that I had expected. Now my 2 girls are 28 ( the one I didn’t expect) the other girl is 24. Tuesday, May 10, 2016. My oldest daughter and I are having a conversation via text she says she need to talk me about something very. My response is what are you pregnant? She proceeds to tell me she is transgender and is about to begin the process of changing from female to male. I must say I am devastated. I saw the moemories of my daughter’s life pass through my mind. I felt as though I had been on the side of the road, looked both ways and as I began to walk I was hit by a semi. I never saw any signs of anything implying transgender, I didn’t even know she was a lesbian. I am searching my mind for the signs I may have missed. I have even crying for days. I love her with all my heart and I told her it was her choice. My heart hurts, I feel empty, I feel alone and I feel like I am mourning the loss of my daudhter. That is the only way I know to explain it. I do plan to seek counseling for mysel and my 12 year old. I know that if I can’t handle it, he can’t. She explained to me that she’s always felt as though she was in a body that didn’t belong to her, she felt this way her whole life. She tired to expect it and live her life only because she knew if she follows what she believes is her true gender she would hurt me. She said that was her worst fear. If it was anyone else’s child I’d understand, she’s still the same person and everything will be ok. I love her and I’d never turn my back on her but I just feel like once these injections start, the facial hair, the removal of her breastfeeding and the final surgery, once all this is done what I known as my daughter will disappear. I am having a hard time with this. I feel like I am being selfish, at the same time I feel like she is also. I have so many emotions running through me, desperation, sadness and anger. I just want to curl up in a ball. In my mind I understand everything but heart just isn’t getting it. I am at a loss. I walk around feeling like a shell of the person I once was. We have talked about a few times since that day. My daughter is so excited about the gender reassignment but she also is suffering with my pain. I just dont know how to process this, I feel like one day I just won’t recognize her anymore. How do I relate the memories of my daughter? The love I shared with her? I won’t be able to look at her and associate my memories to an image or a physical being that I can’t associate to my daughter. Then as if to add insult to injury m, I have to act as though she never existed? I love her, I support her and I respect her wanting to be happy. I am having such a hard time letting her go and anticipating the up coming changes makes me feels like she is going to slowly disappear. I understand she an adult, she has the right to live anyway she wants and I love her. She lives exactly the way I raised her to be. To be whatever she wants, not caring what others think and to live for her. I am just have very hard time with this. I’m guessing I not the only one and I guess I really don’t have a question. I just needed to release my feelings. I guess even though I told her its her life, to be happy. I am not ok with it. I feel like my daughter is dying and will slower fade away.

    Reply
    • transmom May 17, 2016 at 8:30 am #

      Denise, I think all who read your words can feel your pain. Your anguish. Those feelings should not be denied- they are absolutely part of this process on our side of the transition. And we are happy you are releasing those feelings because we relate to them!! It’s a way for each of us to know we are not alone!

      The transition is a physical one for our children and purely an emotional one for us. It seems as if we really suffer while they are celebrating because they have ALREADY have been experiencing the personal struggle and anguish and are finally on their way now!

      Of course you love your child completely!! But it really is an entirely different thing to have to step up to loving your child UNCONDITIONALLY. I thought I always did love unconditionally. Yea- I just THOUGHT that. But my love was never tested. It turns out it was easy for me to love the child I knew and had already accepted along the way. Now this was out of my control and not what I wanted…in fact, it was what I feared that I was being asked to love.

      What I want you to know from my experience and from the other mothers I have met along my journey, is that you will NOT lose your child. Right now, you are mourning something that later will fade. Your kid will be there in new form and yet, the same. The same annoying habits. The same sense of humor. The same connection with you. When your child is finally fully realized, and they are truly content with the person they are…then you will be fine, right along side them!

      I know it doesn’t feel like that now. But some day- it will take months, perhaps even a couple of years- and you suddenly realize that you call your child by their new name and use the new pronouns without thinking about it. Without hesitation. You will close your eyes and only conjure the visage of your son and his smile. You will realize your child didn’t disappear as your feared. I promise you.

      Reply
      • Natalie charlton May 18, 2016 at 1:43 pm #

        It’s so true that time makes it easier after a year I’m using the right pronouns and my child’s new name with ease .

      • transmom May 20, 2016 at 3:37 am #

        Look at you, Natalie!! It’s so very helpful for other moms new to our journey to hear this!! Thanks for sharing!!

    • Susan July 19, 2016 at 11:33 am #

      I feel your pain. I am going through the same exact situation right now. My daughter never showed any signs of being transgender. She had boyfriends, went to prom etc. She leaves for college 4 years ago and her whole life changed. First she was gay (which I was the last to know), then a masculine lesbian and 2 weeks ago she tells me she is transgender and wants me to accept it. I, too, love her and she keeps telling me she will be the same person but she won’t be. I feel,to my core,that she is making the biggest mistake in her life and will regret it in the future. She is going from being a masculine female to a feminine guy. Her mind set won’t change, she will still be emotional a female and have feminine characteristics. I feel like the person that I thought I knew the most has been lying to me for the past 4 years and is not the person I thought she/he was. I cannot give her my approval or support for therapy treatment. I know she is hurt and wants me to accept and understand her feelings but she has to do the same for me. She works for a non profit LGBT group and I almost think she has taken the cause so deep to heart that she feels that if she doesn’t live the life she cannot fight for it. She says she has spoken to people and therapist but I am sure that they are all positive and nobody is telling her the negative aspects or regrets. It’s hard to watch when you think it’s not the right thing for your child.

      Reply
      • transmom September 10, 2016 at 4:34 am #

        Hi Susan. I can feel through your words how shocked you were at this “latest” news. Because you have seen different “iterations” in your daughter since she’s left home, I’m sure it feels that none are authentic. Especially because her choices can be very alternative to what you expected- especially given how she presented herself before leaving home. Your reaction is understandable!
        With that said, I do want to present some other thoughts that you may, or may not have considered:
        While she presented as very feminine, your daughter may have been feeling all the while, great discord emotionally…you may not have known her most personal thoughts as an adolescent/teenager. Many kids that age worry that if they articulate such to their parents, they will anger them and lose the emotional support they rely upon. They may watch how LGBTQ kids are chastised and poorly treated and fear they, too, will be ostracized. When they do finally leave home and are able to “try on” new identities, many young adults change their focus, persuasions, desires, and yes, even their genders or their sexualities. I would suggest that all young adults who go away have a natural desire to “find themselves”.
        I would encourage you to read books, essays, and blogs by transgender young adults to gain a perspective that maybe your child is unable to share with you. And during her transition, because she will have to follow her heart to live her truth even if you are not supportive, I would hope that through your pain and disappointment, you are still able to articulate to her that while these are your feelings, they do not diminish your unconditional love for her!
        The best to you!

  83. Elizabeth May 17, 2016 at 4:02 am #

    Thanks for sharing your blog and story. And to everyone who does. It’s a comfort to feel less alone in this as a mom. My mtf teenager and I have been on this journey for years now privately and i still take it one day at a time. We are at the first steps towards transitioning outside of our home. She will be attending a prom with a friend from a different school. Her first real night out in public all dressed up. It’s too many emotions to describe. I’m so afraid or confused about what to do most of the time but try to make each move from love and support. And the loss I feel is not that of losing a son but that I don’t feel like I’m truly allowed to celebrate having a daughter because of plain old fear for her safety. I want to be able to enjoy this experience like all moms do at prom. It’s just so good to hear others share their experiences. Thanks and good luck to all. I’m happy to find this site.

    Reply
    • transmom May 17, 2016 at 8:36 am #

      So proud to hear your story here, Elizabeth!! You are so loving- even though you fear for her safety, you are pursuing her truth. That’s not easy for any mom to do!! And what a lucky girl your daughter is to be loved with such complete respect!! Please write us back and let us know how the prom went for both of you!!

      Reply
      • Elizabeth May 17, 2016 at 8:02 pm #

        Thank you so much and I will keep in touch. Thanks again for this blog. It is such a comfort:)

      • Elizabeth May 22, 2016 at 2:34 pm #

        Prom went great! It was a special day for all of us. My child looked so beautiful and happy. So worth the fear and pain to have that moment:) love to all the mothers out there who are on this journey with our kids

      • transmom May 24, 2016 at 1:05 am #

        FABULOUS NEWS, Elizabeth!! Thanks for sharing! You lifted my spirits!! Happy: check! Healthy: check! YES!!

  84. Colet Davis May 21, 2016 at 1:09 pm #

    as I have read the different people who have posted on here it makes my heart happy to know that i am not alone. my son has been going through the process of becoming a female now for a little over a year. I to felt like i had done something wrong and would sit for hours going over every little piece of his life growing up.. always wondering is that what did it. i am slowly starting to accept it. the pronouns are the hardest for me and i cant seem to do it, when i try i get embarrased and then angry because i dont feel its fair for him to ask me to do this. I hate the name he has chosen and refuse to use it. i can say that its getting easier, its nice to see my child happy for once.. something i have not seen in awhile. i want to be able to help him and be able to help his children that he has ( ages 4 and 2). any advice from other mothers on helping get through this name and pronoun thing… still frustrated but hanging in there

    Reply
  85. Tracey Scarborough May 27, 2016 at 10:04 am #

    My son is ftm transgender. I knew before he did something wasn’t right. He is 27 and started his transission about 5 years ago. He will not talk to me about it at all. He gets really offended if I ask anything. The only thing he’s ask is what I would have named him if he’d been born male. I fully support him! He’s told his story more to friends than me. Any advice on what I should do? Is this common? Thank you.

    Reply
    • transmom May 29, 2016 at 3:31 am #

      Hi Tracey! This was also my experience when my husband and I attended a support group and also here writing with moms online. It seems like it’s way more common for adult transgender children to desire to keep their transitioning private. Younger kids, however, rely on their parents to transition successfully. I’m thinking that after a long, and probably painful struggle, it must feel very compromising to have to open yourself up and become so vulnerable as to discuss personal thoughts and details! I think our children want to choose who they are vulnerable with. Perhaps they worry that we will respond in a defensive way. After all, for whatever reason- whether unrecognized or discounted, we parents somehow didn’t know the degree of pain or discontent. I think sharing their stories is hard enough without being concerned with our potential reactions! Does that make sense? I know you want to know more details- I do, too!! But I would rather wait for my relationship to build with my son in a way in which he feels safest and most open.
      I love how you fully support your son!! Keep doing that and you can’t go wrong, Tracy!!!

      Reply
      • bay352015K May 29, 2016 at 1:50 pm #

        I also have a ftm son who is 24. He is miserable with life. Transitioning is tough for him because he is also “stuck” with the difficulty of legal name changing, finding the money for hormones needed etc. So he looks like someone who is maybe female but could be male because he doesn’t shave his legs? Has a beautiful high cheekbone face. Would love for me to walk him through all of this but I’m not sure how much I should do for an adult child? I give him the paperwork for name changing with the court, I find names of doctors he could go to, I told him I would pay for the medicine but if he won’t go on his own then does he really want this? So I wait for maturity to set in. Even if he would just call and make the appointments I would go with him. But I don’t think I should make the calls. He is also very severely depressed and doesn’t keep all of his psychologist appointments. Or consistently take medicine. He is losing all of his friends and becoming more depressed. We are close and he knows I love him. But now I am worried. He acts more like 15 than 24. He is attending graduate school in another state in the fall so I am even more concerned now. In your case your son took the steps to do what he wanted on his own. I’d be proud of that. You also sound supportive so he couldn’t ask for more. I am sure with time he will open up to you more.

      • transmom May 30, 2016 at 9:55 pm #

        Hi bay352015K! It is soooo discouraging when our children struggle- no matter the cause! It sounds like your heart is full of worry while you continue to trying so diligently to do right by him without overstepping bounds and having his becoming too dependent! This is exactly what makes parenting an adult so freaking hard!!! UGHHHH!!

        The first thing that comes to my mind is that it may be very possible that your son is simply so paralyzed with fear and depression that-even though he desires to move forward- he cannot? If so, then maybe you can (if you haven’t already) have a serious sit-down, face-tot-face discussion about what he needs vs. what he wants. Try working out a plan together: what he is capable of doing and what he needs your strength to do. Perhaps try making a list BEFORE your discussion of all that you see involved in his moving forward: doctor appointments, court dates, etc…on a timeline so that he sees that he can actually make headway and attend school in a better state both physically and emotionally!

        My guess is that he is caught up being absolutely overwhelmed with what needs to be done to go forward under the time crunch! I know I would be!! It freaks ME out just thinking about it!! Frankly, it would make me want to regress and act like a 15 year old, too!!

        Here’s my opinion: if an open and honest conversation can lead to you making the calls and you attending the appointments with him so that he will be ready for school- then so be it!! Whatever it takes for him to be healthy and happy!!

        Hang in there and keep us posted!!

  86. Tyson's Mom May 28, 2016 at 4:32 am #

    Thanks for sharing your world! I’m a mom to a 17 yr old Trans son and I blog also. Feel free to follow me too. 🙂
    You can Like my FB page or click to my blog from there and follow that. 🙂
    https://www.facebook.com/HisMomAJourney
    And my blog link is: http://hismomjourney.blogspot.com
    I see you link to some blogs from yours – would love for you to add mine. As much as I can help other parents, I want to do that. 🙂
    Take care!

    Reply
    • transmom September 14, 2016 at 3:24 am #

      Thanks for your info!! Can’t wait to read!!

      Reply
  87. Traci June 2, 2016 at 1:17 am #

    I believe our 7 year old son is transgender. He has loved all that is pink and glittery from the age of 2. That year he was Dorothy for Halloween. 🙂 Since then, we’ve not allowed “girl costumes” outside of the home.
    I just don’t want life to be harder for him. Honestly, I was hoping it was a phase. But….it’s clearly not. He has expressed wanting to be a girl. We allowed him to buy clothes from the girl section this summer and he was over the moon happy. 🙂
    I just need guidance here. I love him/her so much!!! I just want my child to be happy.

    Reply
    • transmom June 3, 2016 at 10:33 am #

      Hi Traci! You are obviously such a loving and insightful mother! You’re watching and allowing your child express themselves in the way that feels best and most authentic to them! I think you have been right to step into this carefully- insuring this is your son’s identity. So many parents do just as you did: wait to insure this is not just “a phase”
      However, I believe you are at that place where you do recognize that preventing your child from acknowledging who he really is- is no longer a healthy option. His knowing and being able to fully embrace himself as “her” is now critical! I believe it will be more confusing and very likely damaging to continue for him to only be able to express him/herself at home. I could not imagine leading this double life! I’m certain it would be not only be confusing, but could very easily lead to great personal shame!
      Have you sought a physician’s help ? Are you in an area that has access to gender specialists?
      I wish I could say this will be easy, Traci, but it will not. It is hard work to stand up and champion your child when others criticize and doubt. That’s why counseling and family groups to connect with are critical as you move forward! Arm yourself with books (see my reference list) and sittpinf yourself with positive folks. Keep focusing on the prize: YOU HEALTHY AND HAPPY KID!! Continue to write in- there are lots of moms here listening to help!!

      Reply
      • Traci June 3, 2016 at 2:54 pm #

        Thank you for your reply Transmom! We have recently sought help from a behavioral therapist who is WONDERFUL!!! Thank you for being such a GREAT resource and sounding board for all of us! It is so reassuring to know that there is a whole community trying to do what is best for their children!!
        Today i feel like a warrior….a mother who will champion and fight and scream from mountain tops for my child. I’d be lying if i said that i felt like this everyday. There are some days that i am tired. Tired of the looks, tired of the comments, tired of the struggle….and i think “why can’t you just be “normal”? There are days when i’m embarrassed for him (because of him?) and i feel ashamed about that…but here we are.
        BUT…knowing there are other families out there in the same struggle…I will never give up on my sweet child. I will be strong when he is not. I will be his armor. I will be his mountain. I will do this for my child and I will be thankful that this sweet sensitive soul was entrusted to me.

      • transmom June 5, 2016 at 6:21 pm #

        Wow Traci! YOU’VE GOT THIS!!

        You nailed it: we feel strong and capable and then we can collapse into a puddle filled with insecurity and apprehension! But in the end, we overcome in spite of ourselves, because we KNOW the value and power that our motherhood brings to our children. IF they KNOW they are loved, appreciated, and accepted- then they can go forward. The first step begins with us!!!

        Thanks for reminding us that we are not alone and that with support (and a BIG dose of courage) we can make the difference in our children’s journey!!

  88. Seth June 5, 2016 at 3:51 pm #

    we know this is hard to accept but i want to leave it at this very simple question…

    when you first found out you were pregnant and had no idea what the sex of your child was, and wouldn’t for another 4 months, it didn’t matter. you just loved your child. you loved the idea of becoming a parent. if your child was diagnosed with cancer, you wouldn’t stop loving them or supporting them. your child isn’t dying… we’re transitioning to become our authentic selves. think of it as a rebirth. we still need your unconditional love and support no matter what our paths in our life. we still want to take care of you as you age as well because you’re our parents. why does it matter if we’re male or female or gender non-binary? we’re still your family, we’re still your friends. if you’re lying in a hospital bed or in need of a shoulder to cry on, do you think a change of gender would stop us from being there for you? no. you would be wise to stop calling us gender specific names/nicknames but aside from that, very little changes. we all will change appearance over the years (granted not as drastically as a transition). just try to digest this… it’s not as a big as you’d think.

    i hope this helps someone out there. it’s a personal journey for everyone involved. we know that.

    Reply
    • transmom June 5, 2016 at 6:36 pm #

      Thank you Seth!! I love your analogy with to you (the child) supporting the sick parent (us)…of course our gender doesn’t matter at all! Our appearances and abilities change but your love for us as our children does not waver because of those changes!
      You are so right- changing names and pronouns is very little to ask/accept for us- it is YOU who are having to really cope with so much!
      I especially appreciated when you said, “..it’s a personal journey for everyone involved.” I loved when my son allowed that for me…knowing that my journey is not like his not anyone else’s validated my experience!! Thank you, Seth!!

      Reply
  89. Lindsay S June 9, 2016 at 3:56 pm #

    I have been reading these posts in hopes of finding some answers, some peace. But most of what I see is that it’s all okay, and we need to just adjust. But I can’t accept that.

    A relationship between a mother and a son or daughter is built up over years of daily interactions, millions of moments, countless conversations. All of those tiny pieces create something we come to rely upon. It is a foundation. So when an adult son living 2000 miles away suddenly says “I think I’m a woman and I am starting hormones and now I DEMAND you call me “her” and by a new name.” it’s not reasonable to expect that to work. The person I know is my son…a sweet boy, born a preemie, whom I agonized over during surgeries as a infant, cheered on in school and in boy scouts and science fairs, offered encouragement to during first dates, proms and break-ups. I have been there to help him with social skills (Aspergers) and social anxiety. He is my son, my first born…that is the only person I know him as. I also have two daughters…our relationships as a mother and daughter were built over years, too.

    One of my daughters graduated from high school last week. My son, who has started hormones (with ZERO counseling for his anxiety or depression, ZERO medical testing for other issues that could be affecting his health, which is truly horrifying and should be malpractice, in my opinion) came with his dad, my ex-. Because my very conservative dad was also coming, my son agreed to dress neutrally. But he threw a fit at his sister’s graduation when she asked him to sign her memory book by the name she knows him as. She just wanted ONE LAST TIME with her beloved brother. He flat out refused and said he just wouldn’t sign it.

    Whatever the drugs this quack doctor is giving him, he looks very ill. Pasty, pale, puffy, weak, with sunken eyes. He is dealing with even more depression and anxiety, something that he was told that this process would magically cure (and was promised by transgender advocates.) His father, my ex-, has tried to be supportive, but is about to cut ties because he’s tired of being yelled at if he makes a mistake on pronouns or uses the wrong name. He is tired of middle of the night panicked calls and having to drive across town to calm down a young man who refuses to get the mental health help he really needs, instead of chemicals that appear to be killing him.

    I respect that for some of you, this is all okay, and feel that it’s up to us as parents to accept WHATEVER the kids want or demand. Maybe if would be different if I lived nearby and saw this day-to-day. And I know it would be different if there had EVER been a sign as a child or teen. But when I have lost the son I came to know for 20+ years, and love, and am supposed to 100% accept a stranger with whom I will probably never have much face time, it’s just too much for me to deal with. Parents and other family members have the right to boundaries and feelings and needs, too.

    Reply
    • Carol Secord June 12, 2016 at 12:54 am #

      I completely agree with you. My daughter whom is 20+ yrs just told me 3 months ago that she transgender ftm. I cry every time I read other posts, people telling me she/he’s still my same child just in a different body. Listen to your child they say, do what’s best for them, do what will make them happy, put old wall photos in the bdrm now, no need to cry over this, be happy that they have found happiness now. Well I can’t. I want and miss my beautiful daughter. My doctor and therapists said; you need the time to mourn over your loss, it’s is a grieving period that will take time. This I agree to 100%.
      Carol
      Ontario, Canada

      Reply
      • transmom June 12, 2016 at 1:42 am #

        Hi Carol,
        Absolutely take your time to grieve! No one is denying that this totally sucks- it’s not what you wanted! You are disappointed and worried! But I hope you are grieving in a conscious manner- with the understanding that your grief will not change your child back into the daughter you want. Your pain and anguish- the longer you allow it to remain- will keep you from fully embracing your child for who she is: male.
        Yup, you get to cry. You get to look at her pictures and reminisce. But know the longer that you remain in that state, you aren’t enjoying and recognizing your beloved child. As hard as it is, I hope you will try to balance your moments of grief with taking time to reach out to meet your son. I found that lots of deep breathing and writing down my fears helped me move along- even if it was slowly at first!
        My best to you! Hang in there! You will get there!

    • Kelly June 12, 2016 at 12:57 am #

      Your post sounds fraught with anger and sadness and I am very sorry for all that you are feeling. I think many of those posting are farther along in their acceptance process. Honestly, I do not believe that this transition is easy for anyone but there are complicating factors. 1. If you never see a sign of it then there is much more shock and that deepens the anxiety for the parents. I understand this as my transition has been the same. There was no sign that I saw that told me my daughter was actually my son. 2. If your child doesnt recognize that you are also transitioning then their will be no room for you to process your feelings and make the necessary adjustments. It sounds as though your new daughter expects all of you to change immediately with no room for the habits. I still use the wrong name and pronoun and it has been a month since I decided that I should make the change. 3. Distance is a big factor. If you cannot see the woman it is hard to get to know and love her and to replace your image of your child. 4. The depression needs to be addressed and if your daughter is not willing to do so it will continue to be a problem for all of you. You know that. Now your child needs to realize it.

      Give yourself room to grieve and room to be angry. But also realize it is about respect and you really do not get a choice in the matter so you will probably want to find a way to accept it.

      I am here if you ever want to talk.

      Reply
      • transmom June 12, 2016 at 1:47 am #

        Kelly- thanks for also responding to Carol!…I totally agree with you- there are so many factors that really make it difficult for Carol: distance, depression, the unexpected disclosure, and her child’s demanding expectations!
        I’m hoping knowing that we moms understand and support her will be of assistance to Carol!

      • Lindsay S June 13, 2016 at 5:01 pm #

        Kelly,

        Thank you for your reply. I understand that this is not a walk in the park for my child. FAR from it!!! No parent who loves their kids as much as I do wants any of them to hurt, and I do recognize real pain.

        But when did we get to a place where one person who claims to be an adult is allowed, heck even cheered on, for completely toppling a family? There have been so many things I would have liked to do as an adult, from chucking it all and running away to Paris forever, to quitting a job I despised and starting over in a whole new field at a beginner’s pay or taking our savings and holing up somewhere to write a novel.

        But I could not because I had my kids and the rest of family to consider. I was not being a martyr, I was just considering the good of the family as a whole. Would I have been happier and more authentically myself if I had done some of those things? Possibly. It certainly felt like I would have been at the time. But it would have hurt too many people I love, so I did not act. And I am not sorry, because I treasure my family.

        I am concerned that the transgender advocacy community is saying just the opposite. Only YOU matter. Only YOUR feelings matter. Screw your family. They can get on board or you should dump them. Never mind what it does to your parents. Or your partner. Or your children. Don’t give it a thought. It’s 100% about you and what you want. Is that really the kind of attitude we want to encourage? Too me, it’s making being selfish and self-centered and insensitive a virtue.

        Please understand, I am not saying I want people to be unhappy with their lives. I am not discounting anyone’s feelings. Quite to the contrary.

        I really do believe we need to be saying that it’s about MORE than just one person. It’s never okay to saying only MY feelings matter and anyone who doesn’t agree is a bigot, a bad parent, a bad child, a bad friend or whatever. It needs to be okay for a parent to say they’re in mourning, and have that respected as a real feeling that may or may not go away.

        It needs to be okay to say “I think that more often that we are now willing (allowed) to admit, this really is a mental health issue” and get support from the medical community for that possibility, too. Because sometimes it is a genuine “mistake of birth” and sometimes it is no different from the person who really and truly believes he is Jesus or she is sure she is Marie Antoinette. But we’re not allowed to even suggest the latter.

        It’s needs to be okay to say “It’s not just about you, and you have to carefully weigh the impact of what you do on your family.” Right now, I feel like no serious doubts or questioning or looking into other causes for these obviously strong and usually painful feelings is allowed. And that’s terribly sad. I for one do not want more “Me, me, me” selfishness praised and rewarded in this world.

      • transmom June 14, 2016 at 8:01 am #

        I appreciate your thoughtful words, Lindsay! I am struck by how complex each individual is- and how different each story can be. I know it may appear that there is a blanket, “Go for it!” cry from supporters…but I think, those too, come from well intentioned folks.

        FAR TOO MANY of our children are NOT supported by families as they search to claim their identities that are different from their birth’s. FAR TOO MANY of our transgender children are ostracized and demeaned. Yes, we need to walk alongside them and insure they are getting the care they need…that they have support -with reason!! But ultimately, our kids will need to make this call.

        After walking through this journey supporting my son, I COMPLETELY believe that this journey is MUCH too treacherous, painful and formidable for our children to attempt unless it truly is their calling! Perhaps if we only were willing to listen to them earlier it wouldn’t seem so sudden, so extreme now?

      • Denise June 14, 2016 at 8:57 am #

        It’s been 2 years now for me and I’m no more willing to “embrace the journey” than I was when this whole bizarre thing came out of nowhere from my son when he went to Berkeley (berserkley)

        He was an Eagle Scout, valedictorian, science fair sweepstakes winner 2 years in a row. I scrimped and saved to support his expensive education. One summer he went to Stanfortd to take a $5000 class in quantum mechanics. It was a sacrifice financially for the whole family.

        The thanks I get as a mother is no communication now, blocked from his cellphone, blocked with never a response and the only communication is a postcard 3 weeks after Mothet’s Day with a message in Kanji ( yes, Japanese which I don’t read or speak). The Asian culture is beautiful and I respect it, but no one in our family is Japanese and he’s a blue-eyed, blonde male who’s acting like an adolescent Japanese girl.

        This is delusional by definition!

      • transmom June 20, 2016 at 1:35 am #

        Wow, Denise-I am sorry your journey continues to be so painful for you and your family!
        Your child has done a complete shift in the direction he was once headed with you by his side. She is now someone whose behavior you do not recognize. There are reasons- all behavior has them- but those elude you as he continues to choose to be estranged. Our collective hearts go out to you!
        This is not a typical senario, but it IS your reality. I encourage you to seek support and never lose hope for understanding- perhaps those messages in Kanji will increase and become translated!!

      • Lindsay S June 21, 2016 at 3:39 pm #

        Denise, I am so sorry! Sometimes the journey is legitimate, and sometimes it is a manifestation of mental illness. I only wish we could get support for both sides of the coin, and get the kids/young adults who are battling real illness the help they need instead of knee-jerk responses about how we have to accept it. There IS a difference. My son is also ill….and while I follow this board to try and learn how to best approach my child, I see that there is a wide spectrum of situations, from a healthy recognition of something very real (and the critical family support needed for that difficult journey) to genuine problems that need professional mental health care. Can someone please answer….why are we now so terrified of admitting that there are cases where this is a manifestation of true illness? And where is the help and support for loving, aware, non-judgemental parents who just want their kids to be well?

      • transmom June 25, 2016 at 5:13 am #

        I agree, Lindsay- there definitely ARE cases when there are obviously other issues that cause very involved and confusing situations- ones that appear on the surface to be more than just an issue of transgender alone- but I am no physician nor a psychologist. I believe ANY and ALL families facing such identity challenges need to seek out both medical and psychological support!!

    • transmom June 12, 2016 at 1:31 am #

      Dear Lindsay,
      I hope that within the notes published here, the comments and concern shared, there exists the constant message of, “Your experience is your own. You get to have your own process.” By NO means is there a blanket statement that becoming trans is the panacea for every child that struggles with identity!!
      We have heard from many mothers of older children with co-morbid conditions (other diagnoses that simultaneously occur) that make identifying a teen or young adult especially difficult as being transgender! If a child ALREADY evidences other issues, we as parents should try our best to help our children by helping them seek the medical / psychological support they require to determine if this is truly their direction.
      We have also heard many moms complain of children”demanding” their families use their new name or pronouns. We understand for many transgender folks this is the most identifiable “proof” that you are honoring their decision. At the same time, I always encourage moms to communicate with their child that this is REALLY difficult and as they mean to honor their child’s process, to please allow them the same respect- time!
      All of this is a process- for every single person involved. Yes, on one hand, it seems unreasonable that your son could not sign his former name for his sister- it’s just a signature, right? But possibly for him, he’s already past that; he’s looking for real-time acceptance for who he is now. It may be possible that asking him to sign his former name feels like a denial of who he is.
      I agree that you have an absolute right to your feelings and a need to have boundaries so that what you are giving your child is authentic support. Somethings he may want; you may not be able to do. Be honest about where you are in your process and try to communicate about what is realistic for him to accept right now. This can decrease disappointed or angry.
      Unfortunately, when you are dealing with a young adult that struggles with Asperger’s, that alone is a tall order! His ability to understand your point of view and have any empathy for your feelings is GREATLY compromised!! Please know this is not typical of what many parents of transgender kids are faced with- most kids are blessed with the ability to more readily understand that we each have our process and that we need time and patience to step up to this huge change in them!
      I encourage you to get counseling-yours is not an easy task and being that your son has Asperger’s, your son may respond to ore positively from an outside source of authority and guidance.
      Yours is not an easy road- but throughout your message, I can hear of your devotion and concern. That is why he keeps coming to you for support: he knows you love him and continues to want your love and acceptance! The best to you!

      Reply
      • bay352015 June 12, 2016 at 2:43 am #

        I understand completely what you are feeling. I am also concerned about my ftm young adult who is depressed, ridden with anxiety, has moments of unresolved mental health issues, getting hormones that only seem to be making him feel worse. I think I could actually really get behind him and be a strong advocate if I felt that this process was helping him become a happier, independent, confident person. The family accepts and uses the pronouns he wants and the new name. But he gets really upset if I suggest therapy for the depression. But YES I miss my daughter so very much. It is like a death. Yes, they are still here but they are different. It is hard dealing with depression. It takes a strong caregiver and it must be hell for them. I tried very hard to suppress any feelings of disappointment hoping for a happier adult child. I can suggest and get the names of psychologist and therapist but you can’t force a twenty something to actually follow you to the office. Even when we do go there isn’t any follow through. I know in the past much therapy was required before hormones were prescribed. That is not the case anymore. I can see both sides of this and think maybe a happy balance would have been a better option. I wish the best to both of you and try to focus on things that make you happy. Keep loving and smiling. Life is just to short to let this get the best of you. I do know that my son loves me. That I see short lived moments of growth and I hope to see more as time goes by for the both of us.

      • transmom June 14, 2016 at 7:40 am #

        It’s good to hear from you, bay352015! You are so right, having to parent a struggling twenty-something is no easy task! It sounds like you are managing to find balance in love for your son while also taking care of your own mental health! Good for you! We can all learn from you!

      • Lindsay S June 14, 2016 at 5:41 pm #

        Thank you, bay352105. Yes, a happy medium would have been wiser, I think. The pendulum swings have been too broad, and hopefully will correct at some point. All the best to you and your child — it sounds like a difficult time for you both.

      • Lindsay S June 13, 2016 at 5:19 pm #

        Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I have no idea what to do next, and given the reality of distance (which due to job obligations on both sides will not change in the foreseeable future), it’s unlikely that we will see one another face to face for an extended period of time ever again. And now what would have been fun, long weekend visits or those “let’s all meet at Grandpa’s for Thanksgiving” would be awkward or impossible (my dad will never see his grandson again, and that’s so heartbreaking for reasons I will not go into.)

        But thank you for your caring, and for providing a forum. My access to counseling is very limited (cruddy insurance), and the local “support groups” were all focused on how wonderful it is and why no other reaction is okay. No room for pain or doubts or heaven forbid, suggesting that in SOME cases, it is an expression of a mental illness. I will continue to read and see what I can learn from you and the other parents on here.

      • transmom June 14, 2016 at 8:05 am #

        The distance thing can be EXCRUCIATING, Lindsay…I have heard from a lot of moms here in similar circumstances- I, too, was like you- watching this unfold 1,000’s of miles away. Torturous. Four years ago I was searching in one of our countries largest cities for support and coming up empty-handed. Keep on keeping on, Lindsay! You are a warrior mother continuing her fight!

  90. Gayle Stegall June 13, 2016 at 4:57 am #

    My 22 year old son just told his father and I that he is non binary transgender. I feel comfortable with that, but am having a really hard time accepting his name change and his wish to use they/them as pronouns to address him by. I thought I was a very accepting person, but this makes my emotions feel like a roller coaster. I want to support him, but I feel so conflicted.

    Reply
    • transmom June 14, 2016 at 7:45 am #

      HI Gayle! I have to admit, I also struggle with the them/them pronouns. Is it my age and that no one else in my lide circle use those? Am I being ridgid and judgy?! I kind of want to say, “Just pick a gender already!” But then I sigh at my lack of grace and realize, I am not one to judge at all. What the hell! It’s a pronoun for crying out loud and I just need to get over myself! But….hee hee- this ISN’T easy, Gayle- it’s new and uncomfortable and we need some time…to practice, to let it fall off our tongue, to learn how to think differently. I’m right there with you, Momma- this is different if nothing else!

      Reply
  91. Rose June 13, 2016 at 8:23 am #

    My middle school child is coming out as transgender (mtf) and I’m supportive of him but frightened for him…he’s announcing to his peers on his own …
    I would like to find a support group for myself …any suggestions?

    Reply
    • transmom June 14, 2016 at 7:49 am #

      HI Rose! Look at you! Already using the right pronoun and reaching out! Go Mom!! We are collectively proud of how you are stepping up!! I would try first doing searches in your immediate and surrounding areas for a LBGTQ centers, PFLAG groups, doctors/therapists that accpet transgender patients. Ask and dig!! there are like-minded folks out there dying to meet and hold hands! Don’t give up!! Good luck!

      Reply
    • Tyson's Mom June 14, 2016 at 10:36 am #

      Hi Rose –
      As TransMom mentioned, Google for PFLAG resources.
      Also, are you on Facebook? There are a few online support groups that are full of parents at different points in their journey with their kids. These groups offer places to be open, honest and raw with your feelings and get support from parents who are in the same exact position as you.

      Parents of Transgender Children:
      https://www.facebook.com/groups/108151199217727/

      Once you are in that group, ask about specific subgroups (there are groups for moms of teen Trans sons, for example).

      My FTM son came out to me at 13 and is now 17 (almost 18). It was very rough in the beginning, I was so confused and praying every day for God to fix my kid. For months.

      To find groups of moms who can relate to me was wonderful. I spent hours and hours reading the posts initially. And then after a few months, honestly, had to stop reading as I got overwhelmed again. But then I went back to the group again.

      We all process differently and at different paces.

      Is also suggest getting a therapist for YOU. even if it’s just once a month. You need to take care of YOUR emotional well being also.

      Take care and good luck!
      🙂

      Reply
      • transmom June 20, 2016 at 1:15 am #

        Thanks, Tyson’s mom- another great resource!!!

      • Tyson's Mom June 20, 2016 at 1:33 am #

        🙂

  92. Leslie June 14, 2016 at 1:11 am #

    I just discovered that my gay daughter would like to be the boy she believes she is. I don’t doubt her and we’re making plans to speak to a professional about it, but I’m dying. I cried so hard on the way home from work today, I had to pull over. How do tell her aunts – my sisters – how do I tell friends, neighbors, coworkers… people we’ve known all her life. I’m trying, I’m really trying. I feel so lost.

    Reply
    • transmom June 14, 2016 at 8:15 am #

      It absolutely CAN feel overwhelming, Leslie! Please know that you are NOT alone!!
      I think I always knew in my head…and even after years of accepting my kid as “gay” in my head (looking for labels to attach seemed to calm me those early years even though I was the one assigning those labels)…when the news hit- it hit HARD!!! I cried A LOT!! I had the same worries as you….but you know what? Love prevails!! It absolutely does!!
      It is so scary starting this journey because we don’t know shit and we fear everything. It’s gonna be okay, Leslie…you will lay the path for those that your daughter/son is willing to share this journey with. People will accept it because you will show them how! You will be able to say, “Wow, I’m as blown away as you are, but you know, right now it’s not about us: ____ needs our love and support! You’ll step for us, right?”
      Good friends and family won’t deny you. The people that really matter will remain next to you.
      Be honest. Be patient. Allow people their time and their process. This is gonna be okay! MORE than okay, Leslie!

      Reply
  93. Diana Campbell June 16, 2016 at 1:56 am #

    My daughter who is 25 came out to me about a year ago to me that he is a transgender male. It’s on my mind alot. On the surface I try to be supportive and use all the right pronouns. I love my child no matter what but I mourn the loss of my daughter. I never saw anything masculine about him as a child or teen. At one point he was even considering being a make-up artist. I just need some help understanding and dealing with this.

    Reply
    • transmom June 20, 2016 at 1:25 am #

      Hi Diana! I think it is especially difficult for mothers like you that are taken by surprise – no- more like, shocked!- when their child shares a change in their identity! Most of us do see signs along the way- it’s more about us getting on board with the reality.
      I know you are not alone…for some, this is such a secret-held so closely that even mothers are unaware. Imagine the pain that holding this must cause our children!!
      My son also was interested in female-traditional roles for a time. Nowadays, there are very few such occupations….go into any department store and a number of the cosmetic sales persons are male. So many of the film and TV industry make up artists are male.
      No matter the choice of occupation, the choice of sexual partner, the choice of name or even pronouns to associate with…our children’s identities are their own. New and improved or long in the making…our children remain ours!

      Reply
  94. Lindsay S June 22, 2016 at 7:08 pm #

    Help! My son, who has the issues I talked about above, is now saying that he is going to quit his job so he can get Medicaid for reassignment surgery. He will be homeless. He will lose his apartment, his car, his access to food. Everything. I am beside myself. He has been taking those poisonous hormones for only a few months, and now this. He says I have no say, and he will not talk with me. I am on the verge of calling for a 72 hold for a psych evaluation. I don’t know what else to do. This is suicide.

    Reply
    • transmom June 25, 2016 at 5:18 am #

      Wow, Lindsay, I do not know what to suggest! Being a mother of an adult that will not hear or value your concerns nor advice puts you in an incredibly frustrating and frightening position! He sounds so desperate to be willing to put himself in such financial jeopardy! We hope you will both find some peace somehow!

      Reply
  95. Denise June 25, 2016 at 8:33 am #

    Lindsay, I feel your pain. The sad thing is that no psychiatric professional will touch it with a 10 foot pole because transsexualism became politicized when they put the T in the LBG.
    I’m sorry, but my son changed and went bat$hit crazy when he started taking female hormones. It increased his gender dysphoria and he became mean, gave up his aspirations for a Ph.D. (Something he had ALWAYS planned on without question) and he alienated himself from his family.
    He has a great job with Google as a software engineer, but Google pays for Sex change operations. I am begging him not to mutilate his body and I cry myself to sleep every night if I can even sleep at all.

    Reply
  96. Laura jenkinson June 30, 2016 at 7:03 pm #

    Hi I am after a little advice/support. My brother has came out as transgender, he is almost 40. I am totally accepting and will love her no matter what but my mother won’t accept it. She won’t talk about it, our father doesn’t even know, she is in total denial. I feel torn… I don’t know what to do… This has been going on two year now. I don’t know what to do. Any advice I would love. Thanks.

    Reply
    • bay352015 July 13, 2016 at 12:17 am #

      Laura,
      It’s great your brother has you. I would leave your mother to be your sister’s concern. If she wants to have total acceptance then she needs to foster that with your mom. If perhaps she thinks she can live with having your mom deal with things in her own way (denial but still being in her life as her mom) then that is an option. Not everyone will react in the way that makes her happy. As long as there is respect and patience on both sides it will work out someday. It would be extremely difficult for a mother of a forty year old to be immediately accepting of this transition. But does it even have to be an issue? As long as your 40 year old sister lives on her own, makes her own income, has her own life? Perhaps giving mom a little peace is for the best. All I ever want for my children is for them to be happily independent. They do not need to make me happy but I’d love for them to be. I read an article once where the grandmother’s advice to her adult children was “May you find enough in this world”. Contentment and a life that brings one enough of what they need for happiness. It is in my opinion that you may be her family member to lean on. That mom and dad can maybe just live in peaceful bliss knowing that things seem to be going well for their adult children. Just one thought…

      Reply
      • transmom September 10, 2016 at 4:01 am #

        So well articulated, Bay352015!! Thank you!

  97. Andrea July 2, 2016 at 2:09 pm #

    Please help me to accept and understand the shock of learning that my 33year old son has just been diagnosed with Gender Disphoria. He is ex military and the last person I would ever expect to hear this news from.

    Reply
    • Kelly August 23, 2016 at 7:30 pm #

      Apparently there is an extremely high population of military veterans who are transgender. My ftm son works with a gender identity therapist who told us that 70 percent of his patients are vets and that this group has the highest rate of people with gender dysphoria. I was surprised but thought this knowledge might help you Andrea.

      Reply
      • transmom September 7, 2016 at 7:03 pm #

        Wow, Kelly, I had never heard this statistic before! I’m wondering if it has to do with laws changing and insurance being covered in some instances? I’m wondering if folks forced themselves into a rigid and demanding culture in an effort to try to force themselves to accept the genders they were assigned at birth? I would love to hear more information! Thanks!

    • Natalie August 23, 2016 at 7:41 pm #

      Be patient with your self,read books on transgender ,it’s still the same person you love ,no one chooses to be this way and in time you will accept he needs to be his true self .

      Reply
      • transmom September 7, 2016 at 11:40 pm #

        I agree, Natalie!! Acceptance is KEY!!

    • bay352015 August 28, 2016 at 2:28 am #

      Hello Andrea,
      I have a female to male child who shocked me with this news. I can’t say I will ever be happy for this change but he is an adult (25) and will have to live with the choices he makes. It will always be difficult for me but I can say that the “happier and more content he seems with life” the better i feel. Because when it comes down to it as parents what more do we want for our children than for them to be happy and content in life. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really is but if this change makes his life a little better I say that is great! This took me many years to reach this level of understanding and it is still a struggle for me. He told me about it when he was 17 and I wouldn’t even listen. I felt the internet had influenced and destroyed his common sense. So yes it was an uphill battle so to speak. There are people I am afraid to tell. I never put anything about him on Facebook, but I open my arms for the largest and happiest hug of my life when I see him. Right now he is in graduate school and very happy. So life goes on as it will for you. I found it easier to put it in their “court” so to speak but to be here for the hugs and acceptance. You can still be you (we deserve that also, right?) and you can still accept as you best possibly can for this stage in your life. Do I secretly hope he will turn it around and be female again? Yes you bet I do. But I keep that to myself.

      Reply
      • transmom September 7, 2016 at 11:38 pm #

        Dear “bay352015”,
        Thanks so much for sharing your feelings and experiences with our readers, especially, Andrea! I know that your experience will ring true for many! I agree with you: “if this change makes …life a little better I say that is great!”!!

  98. Natalie Charlton July 4, 2016 at 12:02 pm #

    I feel I need to tell noughbours and family since my ftm teenafer has changed his name as this seems more definite ,its difficult as his sister who is 13 is finding it difficult to tell her friends ive chatted to her and asked what she s afraid of but ahe wont tell me .

    Reply
    • transmom September 9, 2016 at 4:22 am #

      Hi Natalie! Any of us struggle with who we are and seek for acceptance – ESPECIALLY when we are adolescents!! Therefore, I can understand Your 13 year old’s reluctance to tell her friends and even share her own feelings with you concerning her sibling’s transition! Perhaps she worries that if she shares that she “hates that her sister is transitioning” that you will think less of her. Have you tried just sharing how hard this journey is for you? what you worry about? Even if that conversation is one-sided, it can be an important one. You might want to consider setting the stage by saying, “I need to talk to you and I don’t expect you to say anything unless you want to”. Just hearing that she is not alone in her struggle may help her open up at a later time. Another suggestion is for her (now) brother to let her know that it’s okay she’s upset- “everyone gets to have their own process”. And I always suggest, read books like “I am Jazz”…like the TV show we have here, it is a great insight to hear how this process feels from another teen!!! Good luck- this is NOT easy!!

      Reply
  99. Erin July 6, 2016 at 3:09 am #

    My son is 15 and has told me for the past year that he is transgender and wants me to refer to him with the female pronouns and has grown out his hair and has started to dress in female clothes secretly. I’m trying to be supportive of this change but my husband is definitely not and I worry that some other friends and family may also be judgemental and I just don’t know how to come out with this to friends, family, coworkers. My husband does not agree at all and it has been difficult to talk to him about our son making this change. I also have 2 other children and I’m worried about the impact it will have on them. Obviously the one who is struggling the most is my son who feels like he was born the wrong gender and I just want some advice on how to support him in the best way that I can. Thank you! We live in AZ.

    Reply
    • transmom September 9, 2016 at 4:31 am #

      Thanks for writing, Erin! What a difficult spot you are in!! You are ready and willing to tackle this REALLY hard journey and you are not being supported. I REALLY recommend that you take steps to find a therapist that is experienced in bringing a whole family together! No, you cannot force your husband to go with you, but the reality is, this train is leaving the station whether he’s on board or not…and as for your other kids, you need to be open and honest about how everyone has their process and you and their dad are in different places right now. It doesn’t mean you won’t be someday, and it doesn’t mean your love their brother any less- it’s just that this is hard. Keep stressing that unconditional love is the only answer and you are willing to stand by your son while he figures out where he’s going with this. Hang in!!

      What city are you in…I can do some research to help you find a family group. I know our group welcomed parents that were on board and others who were not as well as siblings so that they cold talk and play with others struggling with the same issues. Best of all, it was a safe space for the transgender kids to have fun and relate to others!!! I’d love for you to find a group like that!! Let me know if you’d like further help!

      Reply
  100. Kristal July 15, 2016 at 8:11 pm #

    Hello! My name is Kristal. My daughter told me on Mother’s Day of this year that she wants to be a boy. I was shocked and still am, but also confused open minded. I have been of course struggling with this. I also have been reading a couple of books and websites. What I have not said is that she seventeen. She has transitioning. But one of the difficult things of the situation is that she lives in a different state that I so. I love her (him) very much and want to know everything about what she has been feeling and going through. Thank you for reading.

    Reply
    • transmom September 10, 2016 at 4:13 am #

      Kristal, I hope this finds you and your son doing well! I can identify with your struggle: having a child that lives out of state go through transition can be REALLY painful! Has he been willing to remain in contact? How is he doing? And, how are you?!!!!!

      Reply
  101. Sarah Turner July 19, 2016 at 8:24 pm #

    Hi I’m very scared to tell my husband that are 24 year old son has told me he wants to be a woman sorry for not using all the right terms as I don’t now them. I am fully behind my son ready to support him 100%. But its all new to me and I’m kinda freaking out. I have known my son was gay for years and have wondered if he wanted to be a woman. But know its here and I don’t now how to tell the rest of my family. Any ideas or help please

    Reply
  102. Kristal July 20, 2016 at 10:37 pm #

    I am a mom of a seventeen year old gym person. She lives with her dad in another state. She also told me that “she” wants to or is a boy on Mother’s Day this year. And ever since then I have been struggling with it. I have been confused and shocked. But also have been trying to be as open minded as I can be…

    Reply
  103. Kay July 23, 2016 at 6:37 am #

    My son told me this evening that he is Transgender. He is married with a newborn. He has been in counseling for 4 months and starts hormone therapy soon. I love my son so very much. I don’t know how to support him, or how to deal with all my feelings and questions. Will my son no longer be “my son”? He will still be my child, forever be my child, but I find that I am grieving the loss of my son as I have always known him to be, plus I am a bit in shock. I worry most about how he may be shunned by society and even family. I hear about transgender people being targets in society, and I worry about his safety. I don’t know how to navigate this, or how to support him best. Is there any support groups in the Seattle are?

    Reply
  104. Sonia August 2, 2016 at 4:57 am #

    I love my son and want to understand better. I also respect him but feel like a failure when i misgender him because i wasn’t focused.

    I look forward to encouragement from your blog.

    Thank you.

    Reply
  105. Tracy L Grapes August 10, 2016 at 9:07 am #

    Looking for some answers to help my adult child to function in life and be happy…..

    Reply
    • transmom September 7, 2016 at 6:20 pm #

      We all worry about our adult children! It is perhaps a mother’s greatest desire to see her child able to live a happy, successful, and fulfilling life! The real “answers” lie with you adult child…consider regularly giving your reassurance and encouragement while you offer acceptance and support emotionally. Help them brainstorm “next steps”. Sometimes having a plan is the best way to take those steps forward!!!

      Reply
  106. janymac August 11, 2016 at 1:31 pm #

    I am from UK and have found myself in the same situation. I went to pick him up from university and before he even told me he had passed all his exams and had was technically able to graduate, he told he was transssexual, had changed his name by deed poll and was going to start HRT as soon as he could. To say it was a shock is an understatement. I have been supportive, but have my days when I feel so tearful- why does he want to mutilate his body in such a way, especially since I can’t see how being a women is that great anyway- it is quite hard n many ways in my view. What makes this worse is he is just about to embark on his his career and is planning to do this whilst establishing himself in a career abroad in Netherlands ( an ambition he has had for about 5 years that I did know about already). That is a a hard enough start to anyone’s career in any measure without all the transitioning side. I am the only one he has told beyond his friends and cousins- his father doesn’t even know yet. I do not want to discuss it too much with him as he gets defensive and also if I make a big deal of it he might just stick to his guns completely even if he is wavering at all. I just feel so sad he wants to do this to himself and give himself such a hard time in life- not to mention the effect it might have on the family as a whole.

    Reply
    • transmom September 7, 2016 at 6:34 pm #

      Janymac, This is a LOT to take in! I’m guessing your son feels safe with you because he was willing to open up to you. For him, this was much bigger and more important that sharing news about his exams or graduation- that can help you gage where his head is! He’s not thinking about how you might receive this information, he is desperate to blurt out his long held secret! While we as cisgender parents may not “get” how big a deal this is, believe me: this is HUGE for those who struggle with their sense of self and identity!! It is not enough to begin his 5 year planned career- he NEEDS to begin his life as the adult as he identifies. Perhaps he may have been planning this to all come together at a time when he could go away and transition? Do not worry that you will be the one that will cause him to “stick to his guns”…he is an adult and your inquiries are not that powerful. Yes, your entire family is affected: you are stunned, worried, and can’t understand the need to push this -especially now.
      Here’s the hardest part: you can share your fears (and if you do so, please remember to share an equal amount of love) and then wish him the best! Maintain your precious contact as he goes away- While the Netherlands are far more accepting a country/culture than most, this will be challenging for your beloved son! He needs to know that, no matter what, you are in his corner!!

      Reply
  107. Cheryl B. Evans August 18, 2016 at 2:18 am #

    It saddens me deeply to read some of the mother’s comments above and to know of their struggles. I would love the opportunity to share a book with you that I only wish was available when my son was younger. He is transgender and now a happy well adjusted 18 year old. The book is called I Promised Not to Tell Raising a transgender child – you can learn more here: https://www.amazon.com/Promised-Not-Tell-Raising-transgender/dp/0995180717 What began as a personal journal to help me coupe with the changes happening in my own family become published for one reason only – to help other families who are going through a similar journey. The book covers every step of my son’s transition from female to male and covers things like hormone replacement therapies, sex reassignment, dating and many of the social issues that face the transgender community today. I would love to connect with anyone struggling with this issue and can be contacted on twitter@writtenbymom or through my website http://www.writtenbymom.com If the owners of this blog are reviewing this I beg you to please research my book for yourself I truly believe it could be of great benefit to your followers. I would love to help you change the stigma around transgenderism one reader at a time. God Bless you and thank you for your consideration. Warmest regards, Cheryl B. Evans.

    Reply
    • transmom September 7, 2016 at 6:39 pm #

      Hi Cheryl! I ordered a copy of your book- I’m happy to read and let my readers know about it here and on Facebook. Somehow, I was not able to reach your website.
      I look forward to reading it!

      Reply
      • Cheryl B. Evans September 7, 2016 at 6:43 pm #

        Thank you so much! I appreciate your support and interest in my book. I’m so sorry the reason you couldn’t find my site was because it’s .ca not .com – my mistake. Sorry about that.
        http://www.writtenbymom.ca is the correct address. Cheryl.

      • transmom September 8, 2016 at 12:54 am #

        Got it, Cheryl- I’ll check it out, too!!!!

      • Cheryl B. Evans November 11, 2016 at 9:30 pm #

        Hi transmom 🙂 It’s been a while, hope this message finds you well. I wanted to take a moment today to follow up with you and ask if you’ve had a chance to read my book (I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a transgender child) yet? I was delighted to know you had ordered it and were looking forward to reading it. I am very much looking forward to your feedback once you have that chance. Kindest regards, Cheryl

      • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:58 am #

        I actually just finished reading it this week! I enjoyed it, Cheryl AND I thought your resources were awesome! I will write a review and post soon!

      • Natalie November 27, 2016 at 4:12 pm #

        Hi in a mother of a 17year old ftm I’ve also ordered yr book and look forward to reading it

  108. mandy carey September 3, 2016 at 3:54 pm #

    Hi my name is mandy and my 19 year old son is transgender…and I so need help. Ironically I am a psychotherapist but am no help to myself….im proud of my child and support her as much as I can but I’m lonely in this place of not knowing….
    Help! Please!

    Reply
    • transmom September 8, 2016 at 12:53 am #

      Hi Mandy!! Of course your psychotherapy skills and training aren’t kicking in! This time around, you are the person in need requiring support- we alone cannot provide ourselves with that!
      -First, please do take time for yourself…know that you are not alone in that feeling of panic that we mom’s so easily succumb to when it comes to our children! I recommend writing down every little fear; release it from that dark place where it is allowed to fester : “He will never have a loving relationship.” or “Transfolks are so much more likely to end up homeless or victims of violence” or “This is NOT what I wanted for him! I will never be happy with his decision!” or “I will never be able to openly share about him again” or “My family will not understand and accept him”. There’s a whole lot we can freak out about. We gotta get that out and realize most of this is not in our control and if we can stay in touch with just the bottom line loving of our child, we can get to a MUCH less fearful place!
      -I recommend looking at him: is he freaking out? Then, I’m guessing you don’t need to either.
      -Does he have a plan of his next steps in this process? Get a plan yourself: arm yourself with sharing your feelings (here or a support group)/ READ. READ. READ./ Write down all the little ways you can remain positively connected on separate scraps of paper (text him a thumbs up; buy him a succulent and leave it on his doorstep; offer to run an errand for him; buy him a new gender item in the gender appropriate department; etc.) and choose one or two to do each week); write a disclosure letter/email and talk to your son how he would like you to go forward.
      -Read my articles here about disclosure, the resource list, and particularly my entry called: Dear Worried, Freaked-Out, Doubting, Anguished, Horrified and Loving, Wonderful Mom

      I’m sending you strength and courage, Mandy!! Hang in- the “better” is yet to come!!!

      Reply
  109. Tammy September 11, 2016 at 2:09 am #

    My son is 26 and stated seeing dr of transgendering. I have very mix emotions. I want him to happy but I am sad.

    Reply
    • transmom September 13, 2016 at 4:50 am #

      Of course you are sad, Tammy!! Moms all want our kids to be happy, healthy, successful…but we don’t ever picture they will have to struggle with gender identity. I think we are all lulled into this “baby euphoria” when they are born…we are so thrilled if they are born healthy that we don’t ever consider something like this down the road. For most at birth, it’s just a given! Now we are confused and saddened knowing they have to face scrutiny if not worse…we worry while all the while, our dreams for them remain the same: for them to remain happy, healthy, and successful!
      I encourage you to allow yourself to feel the range of emotions! Write them down so they are out of your head for the moment and then writ list of all the things you love about your son and all your NEW dreams for him!! Take good care of yourself! I hope that you will remain in touch with your son throughout his transition…it will be helpful to see he really isn’t going anywhere!! He’s forever your child!!

      Reply
  110. susn turner September 22, 2016 at 8:09 pm #

    I have a 24 year old MTFdaughter. She began transitioning in college and has completed her BS degree. She is currently employed full time with benefits. The corporation she works for is very supportive of her. To them she is who she is and apparently they respect and admire her. We have been very supportive of her since she told us about her desire to present as a woman and provided the medical, hormones and counseling services for her. She has recently scheduled her SRS surgery. Most of the times she is a delightful person. Currently she is residing in our home for 2 months until she gets through a training program and her new assignment. Our concern is that she appears more depressed and mentions that she has “rage” issues. We recommended she see her therapist and arrange for a psychiatric evaluation to determine if she needs help sorting our these feelings. She is over 6′ tall and presents as a very beautiful, confident and happy woman in public and much of the time at home. She has maintened deep friendships, old and new, and is generally “loved” by everyone. However, we are concerned about the “depression” she seems to have when she is in our home. A place of her own would be good, but it’s difficult to set up on a 2 month transition process. Any comments would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • transmom September 23, 2016 at 12:39 am #

      First of all, Susn, how wonderful for your daughter that you and her family have remained her champions and continued to support her throughout her transition! It’s also great to hear that her employers are respectful!
      I believe your offering to continue supporting her transition via a therapy eval is an excellent recommendation! You are letting her know you are concerned and are helping her to become proactive about it.

      Let’s face it…24 years old is still VERY young. Whether or not she has support, she has a whole lot on her plate to navigate as she becomes an adult…now she is in training, finds herself temporarily at home, and is awaiting major surgery! Whew!!
      I hope she is open to your suggestion…I hope she can consider that while having to deal with so very much, it would be a GIFT to have some unbiased, outside support- and maybe additional help- speaking honestly with a psychiatrist that works in tandem with a good therapist-could be the missing link!
      I am hopeful other moms reading will also weigh in!! Please let us know if you have presented this option to her and if your daughter sees open to the idea!

      Reply
  111. Unconditionally4ever September 25, 2016 at 5:37 pm #

    My son, 24, just came out to me two days ago. I have never agreed with the trans lifestyle but because of my personal and religious beliefs I would never tell that to a trans person. I believe we are supposed to be kind and not hurtful to other humans regardless of whether or not we agree with them.

    In that moment that my son told me he was already in therapy and planning on starting hormones as soon as possible, none of my opinions mattered anymore. I told him I love him and that “I had his back”. I told him this changes nothing between us.

    Then I got off the phone and cried alone. Haven’t slept since he told me, having panic attacks. I think what’s scaring me most is that I don’t want anyone to hurt him. I’m terrified someone will hurt him. (he told me he isn’t ready to change pronouns yet, so still calling him, him)

    I need to contain my grief, anxieties and fears. I refuse to let him know that this is keeping me up nights in tears. I want him to only feel supported as he moves forward down this extremely difficult path.

    Any advice? Does this get better? Am I always going to be afraid for his safety? I keep thinking that because he’s 24, already went through puberty, large build, over 6ft tall etc, he will never “pass”. I feel like people will treat him worse if he can’t “pass”.

    I can’t say any of this to him. It would hurt him. His girlfriend told me he was so absolutely happy after he came out to me. She said it was such a huge weight off his shoulders. I need to figure out how to deal with my issues while not letting them affect my son.

    Any and all thoughts welcome!

    Reply
    • bay352015 September 26, 2016 at 3:41 am #

      Dear Unconditionally,

      Yes, it will get better for you! She may end up hurt by others at one time or another but most young adults experience this pain regardless of gender. My son who is FTM is also 24. Does not always pass as male and is in a university setting in graduate school. He endures strange looks, people not wanting to sit by him and all kinds of prejudice. I feel much hurt for him but I also feel so much pride in his decision to be true to how he felt. The people who become friends are the kind that are real and steadfast. You mentioned your son has a supportive girlfriend. That’s a big help. My fear is that my son will have a difficult time finding someone to share life with. You have so much love and compassion and responded to his “news” in such a brave and supportive, loving way. I’m afraid I didn’t do very well in this department and had to do much in the line of back tracking and damage control,to my youngest child. I am lucky that he is such a loving child. I was forgiven and I can only hope that I never cause anymore mental anguish as I had when he first tried hard to discuss this with me. I just couldn’t accept it and didn’t hide these feelings. What you can do now is stay focused on your own life and pursue things that bring you joy. Be happy and in time you will be uplifted with the good things that your child shares with you. Life will bring changes but they won’t seem “strange” or difficult to lean into. They will always be who they are. Just changed appearances. I feel that if I still have those arms wrapped around me in a hug once in awhile that I have the world.

      Reply
      • transmom September 30, 2016 at 3:26 am #

        Thanks so very much bay352015!! “They will always be who they are”…our parents who are new to this journey will be grateful to hear this reassurance from you!!

      • Unconditionally4ever September 30, 2016 at 5:18 am #

        “I feel that if I still have those arms wrapped around me in a hug once in awhile that I have the world.”

        That’s what it all comes down to isn’t it? Beautifully put. I really don’t think anyone can understand this fully if they haven’t experienced it firsthand. But in the end, regardless of what anyone has to say about us (parents) or our kids, we just want them happy and alive (figuratively AND literally).

        I’m praying for strength for all of us to give our kids what they need most from us. Unconditional love and support in whatever they may face in this life.

        God bless you all and thank you for your post.

  112. Natalie October 7, 2016 at 8:43 pm #

    This is so true and it gives me strength as a mother of a 17 year old ftm ,such lovely words

    Reply
  113. Notsurewhattodo October 9, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

    My daughter came out to us as trans about 6 weeks ago. We have always known she was bi and she has a boyfriend who is also bi. None of this is an issue with us. Anyway she has said she will transition and plans to start hormones and expects to be called by her new name and change the pronouns. Only i can’t do that. If she feels this is the answer I want her to do it and be happy but I do not feel that I can ever call her my son. She is my daughter and it is making me very upset that I have to completely forget her childhood. I will not remove my child’s entire life history from my home this is my life and my memories. It isn’t fair that I am told I have to forget all of it. We have a younger child who we plan to tell today and frankly I just don’t know how this child will handle it. My daughter has not been very nice to us for some years after an abusive failed marriage that we rescued her from and our younger child very much believes she doesn’t like any of us. I fear this is going to be a disaster. I just don’t know what to do and I don’t really want to join a support group either just so others can tell me I am not justified and should just do what my child says. Just yesterday I was told in no uncertain terms I will be disowned based on who i am voting for for president! God i am so frustrated and I just don’t know what to do!

    Reply
    • transmom October 11, 2016 at 7:08 pm #

      Dear Notsurewhat to do,
      I can hear your voice through your words! You sound terribly conflicted and attacked all at once for your beliefs and what you value! You don’t deserve to feel this way. You obviously love your child and have supported (even rescued!) your daughter in the past. I hear it is your intent to continue to love her, regardless.
      Perhaps you can begin there. Is it possible to tell her (just you and she, face-to-face) how you love her but are REALLY struggling with her decision? Perhaps if you are able to express that this is not about your love for her, that it is, instead, about the conflict that arises for you. Perhaps then, you will be met with more patience and understanding.
      I am hopeful that, just as you opened your heart to hearing of her sexual orientation (bisexuality), you will also take time to understand that hers is a decision of IDENTITY! If she decided to become an actress and change her name, would you refuse to acknowledge her? Of course not- it is a name. One that adults choose to change for all kinds of reasons. Your daughter’s childhood and both of your memories of that time do not disappear…in fact, they are indeed crucial to who she has become.
      I know you expect to be attacked in a support group…but I doubt that will happen…I believe that MANY parents- especially those of adult children!- struggle with the same feelings that you are experiencing! I encourage you to reach out so that you are not alone in this struggle and find others that not only empathize with your pain, but can share how they worked through similar feelings and situations!

      Reply
      • Notsurewhattodo November 20, 2016 at 10:00 pm #

        Sadly things are not going wel in this. My child is no longer speaking to me, won’t accept phone calls or texts, and unfriended me on Facebook. Her last message to me was Trump won you did this to me when we start dieing it is on your head. I am beyond sad! She spoke to my husband 2 days ago and told him she has started treatment. I continue to try to reach out but get no response back. She lives 6 hrs away and I don’t even know the address. I am just so sad!

      • transmom November 22, 2016 at 2:20 am #

        Dear Notsurewhattodo- I am so very sorry to hear how things have unraveled! Because she is away from you and is on her own, this relationship is going to be on your child’s terms. Somehow, your child believes that you do not support them- only you can convince them otherwise. Since you do not accept calls, texts or FB messages, you are forced to give this time. Perhaps there is someone else in contact with both of you that will share your anguish and pain? Perhaps your husband can convince her to give you another chance?
        Good luck to you!

  114. Bertha October 10, 2016 at 1:32 am #

    Hi, I will like to have full support.

    Reply
  115. heather October 12, 2016 at 5:47 am #

    It’s 1:45 am and I’ve just found a note from my youngest son who is 21.
    He wrote “Mom I’m transgender I’m sorry. ” he left it on my bed.
    I am heartbroken and alone ..as he must have felt for a long time. I want to say and do all the right things but i am in shock. He has an older brother but I doubt he knows. . And his father left us when my sons were still in elementary school. Most of all I feel terrified ..I am an older mom and I want to protect my son
    ..and understand who he wants to be…
    Thanks for listening
    A mom in Canada

    Reply
    • transmom October 12, 2016 at 6:10 pm #

      Dear Mom in Canada! You are already on your way- just loving and supporting your son is what he needs most!! Of course you are scared for him…although the world is becoming more and more accepting, life for our kids is incredibly challenging!! I hope by this time you have already reached out to him, reassuring him that he does NOT need to EVER apologize for who he is!! You love him and will stand next to him as he makes his way into the world, even if it is as a woman! Listen, hug, listen some more and ask what his next steps are. Lots of deep breathing for both of you….the more positive you are, the more strength he will have!!! Good luck to you both!!

      Reply
  116. Dee October 12, 2016 at 3:52 pm #

    My 21yr old daughter, that’s just told me that she wants to eat my pansexual transgender 21 year old son everything about that person that I know has changed between those two sentences except for the age I don’t know where to go who did talk to what to do next I’m scared of doing it all wrong for myself my husband who is unsupportive my son who is 17 my daughter who is not my mother my family my friends and just feel like I’m in a Hole by myself I want to do what’s right for everybody but quite honestly I haven’t even begun to mourn the loss of my daughter I just don’t know where to turn next

    Reply
  117. Helen October 12, 2016 at 9:25 pm #

    I’m so happy to have found this site. My 14year old daughter just told me today that she’s transgender. I’m not ready to accept this, but I did tell her I love her no matter what. I’m hoping to survive this. My husband won’t tolerate it, I know. He doesn’t know yet. But I know we’ll lose him when he finds out, and I’m not ready for that, either. Any advice and help you can offer is welcome. I’m praying it’s not real. And please forgive me for making this about me right now. I know it’s a lot for her, too, but her friends know and support her and she has online community support. Right now I feel very confused, scared, angry, and alone.

    Reply
    • transmom October 14, 2016 at 4:56 am #

      Helen, you are doing well with- what can be for most of us- overwhelming news! Most importantly, you have told your daughter that you love her unconditionally. She will be able to hold onto your critical support as she faces the challenges ahead with her father!
      I so understand your hope that “it’s not real”. This can be such scary news when you do not know where to begin and when you anticipate “fall out”. However, I caution you to try to put such hope aside…this is rarely “a phase” and being able to consider it “real” will ultimately help you move toward acceptance sooner. And the sooner you are able to accept your daughter’s new identity, the less conflict you will actually feel! Trust me, it only gets better!! Finding acceptance will additionally help you to become proactive for your daughter! And that is exactly what a 16 year old needs- you as her advocate!

      Since you anticipate your husband not being able to tolerate this news, perhaps consider asking your daughter to hold her disclosure to him until you have had the opportunity to seek counseling support from a professional. After which, perhaps a family counseling session would be the most productive I have also known children having success by writing a parent a heartfelt and thoughtful note that can be received at a time during which the parent can digest the news without interruption privately.

      Please know that you are NOT alone! I’m certain hundreds of parents received similar news on yesterday’s “National Out Day”. I’m guessing so many that have been hiding in fear of being rejected waited for that extra bit of support, knowing they were not alone on that day having to risk so very much!

      The best to you…please keep us posted! HUGS!

      Reply
    • Tyson's Mom October 14, 2016 at 12:17 pm #

      Hi Helen,

      I’m so glad you found this blog and have reached out for support.🙂
      Please know you are definitely not alone. There are thousands of parents like you – and many where the parents disagree on what to do.

      Are you on Facebook? There are a few online support groups that are full of parents at different points in their journey with their kids. These groups offer places to be open, honest and raw with your feelings and get support from parents who are in the same exact position as you.

      Parents of Transgender Children:
      https://www.facebook.com/groups/108151199217727/

      Once you are in that group, ask about specific subgroups (there are groups for moms of teen Trans sons, for example). I’m in the mom’s of trans teen sons and it’s wonderful. There are other moms there whose husbands did not agree and those ladies can share what they did and how they are handling it. The prospect of a marriage ending over something like this is obviously devestating. Nobody wants to ever chose between child and spouse. 😦

      My FTM son came out to me at 13 and is now 17 (18 in 2 months). It was very rough in the beginning, I was so confused and praying every day for God to fix my kid. For months and months.

      To find groups of moms who can relate to me was wonderful. I spent hours and hours reading the posts initially. And then after a few months, honestly, had to stop reading as I got overwhelmed again. But then I went back to the group again.

      We all process differently and at different paces.

      Is also suggest getting a therapist for YOU. even if it’s just once a month. You need to take care of YOUR emotional well being also.

      I also have a blog where I’ve sort of journaled my experience: http://hismomjourney.blogspot.com

      Take care and good luck!🙂
      Christie

      Reply
      • transmom October 14, 2016 at 8:19 pm #

        Thanks for reaching out, Christy!! The more support we can provide each other- the BETTER!!!

  118. Me, just me October 26, 2016 at 6:50 am #

    I can’t do this. I can’t watch my daughter disfigure and mutilate her body, ending the chance to become a woman and have children. How can a 22 year old virgin know she doesn’t want wax with a man? How can she be so hateful and judgmental of me for telling her to think about this for a few years and not rush into it?

    Reply
    • Lindsay S October 26, 2016 at 6:02 pm #

      I hear you, I really do. But unfortunately, I have no answers. 😦

      Reply
      • transmom October 26, 2016 at 6:18 pm #

        None of us do, Lindsay. The answers lie within our children. If we listen to what they truly need, they will help us understand how to support them!

    • transmom October 26, 2016 at 6:17 pm #

      Dear Me, Just Me,
      I hear your anguish!
      You and your daughter are not connecting about her desire to transition because the two of you are coming at this from two very distinct and different places.

      She is telling you that she cannot continue presenting as female. She doesn’t see herself as female. She is in pain pretending day after day to be something she is not.

      You are her loving mother that is, very understandably, in fear that her decision MAY be a huge mistake. I so get that! I once was in a place when I questioned my own (then) daughter’s decision at just about your daughter’s same age!

      Here is what I have learned is the truth:
      * This is NOT about sexuality!!!! Instead, this is about your daughter’s gender identity…who she sees herself as. This is NOT who she goes to bed with (or not) but, who she goes to bed AS!!! And frankly, whether you would approve or not, she is an adult and can choose to sleep with a man OR a woman no matter how she identifies herself!
      ** Your daughter is making this decision about how she wants to LIVE EACH DAY- Not about her sex life!
      ** Believe it or not, she could still choose to have children down the road if she someday chooses to go off of testosterone (hormone) treatments. Do most transmen choose to do this? No, but biologically, if they retain their female reproductive organs, they can! Sooooo MANY transgender folks are loving parents!!! My own son is an incredible parent! No, he didn’t himself give birth to the children that he is lovingly raising, providing for, and enjoying a stable family life with…but he ABSOLUTELY is a parent (just as my husband is for my children)!! If having a family is something that your 22 year old daughter desires, that can absolutely be in her future!!
      ****Lastly, I understand that her reactions to you feel hateful and judgmental. I’m guessing that if you asked her, she would describe your reactions to her as feeling similar.

      You are her mother. This is an incredibly painful existence she has been tortured with up until now…so much so, that she is willing to risk EVERYTHING- EVEN YOUR ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE!!- to feel secure in herself- to feel at home in her identity- to feel whole. Children want their parents love and support more than anything…if your daughter didn’t, she wouldn’t come to you and share this deeply emotional decision. But you are asking her to do something that is, frankly, untenable. She is telling you that she can no longer I’ve a lie.

      She is an adult. She gets to make this call whether you can understand her pain or not. I beg you to listen to her story. I beg you to hear and consider the WHY behind her transition. Find compassion for your daughter’s position and respond out of love instead of fear….she needs your love!

      Thanks for reading and considering!

      Reply
      • transmom October 29, 2016 at 4:38 am #

        Me, Just, Me,
        Please know those are common reactions!! But- and you will have to trust me on this one- those feelings are replaced by enjoying your happier and content child. Believe it or not, I never ever picture my son as his female self…yes, I see the child that was happy and who loved sports, animals as well as an American Girl doll. But somehow, the difficult adolescent years have slid away and whenever I picture my child- it is as he is not: completely male: bearded, broad shouldered, flat-chested, narrow-hipped….no one would ever guess my handsome son did not grow up a boy! It is stunning, really! I couldn’t be more proud of him!
        And I know you can feel the same way for your soon-to-be son!
        My best to you!!

      • fivekwaks October 29, 2016 at 4:24 pm #

        Dear Me, Just Me,
        I can relate to many of your feelings. I have known about my mtf daughter’s gender dysphoria since she was young, but I still experienced shock, grief, pain and fear when she came out to everyone last year at age 19. I cried over the loss of my son, the sweet little boy I knew. I cried knowing that my child’s path was going to be a difficult one, and that I wouldn’t be able to protect her from the bigotry she would face.

        I have also cried tears of joy, happiness, and relief. My child chose to live as her authentic self. She chose to be strong in the face of her father’s difficulty accepting her, knowing that it would be a long time before she could afford to move out of our house. In those choices, she changed more than just her physical appearance. My son was never really happy, and I worried about his depression all the time. My daughter is happy. There is a lightness to her that never ceases to amaze me. My mother’s heart feels so much better now! It’s been 16 months since she came out, and I rarely look at her and miss my son. The beautiful heart and soul he had still exists in her, but it shines so much more brightly now that she feels at home in her skin.

        I am betting as you read this message you were thinking that I already knew, so it was easy for me. It hasn’t been easy. Some of my extended family has shut my daughter out, and there are many more that don’t even know. I anticipate there could be more of that in her future. That said, it has also been a journey I am grateful to be taking, because seeing my child like herself and feel happiness is an incredible gift.

        Me, I hope you are able to see the happiness your child is feeling as he embraces his authentic self. Let your love for your child’s heart and soul fill you as you see and talk to him. It will take time to adjust, and you need to process your grief, but I believe in my heart that you will discover that your amazing child is still there, better than ever.

        With love,
        Emma’s mom

      • transmom November 3, 2016 at 6:35 pm #

        Dear Fivekwaks,
        How absolutely wonderful this letter to Me, Just Me is! You are articulate and genuine. I appreciate your taking the time to share a pice of your journey!
        I, too, struggled through the beginnings of my (now) son’s transition. You are correct that it is NOT an easy road we take with our children- but one in which enriches our own lives!
        I inadvertently deleted a comment from Me, Just Me- and this note from you reminded me of a question she asked that we often encounter, especially if our children are transitioning as adults:
        Can’t they just wait and see if this is “real”? Isn’t having surgery and transitioning so damaging that it will prevent my child from having a family?
        The answer: No. Your child has already been waiting- and living in pain, sadness and unrest. They have already come to know themselves and recognize what they need. And honestly, their are ALL kinds of families and that can ABSOLUTELY be a part of their adult life it is something they want to pursue. My own son is a loving parent and has the most amazing family! He is surrounded by loving and supportive friends and NOW lives a rich, full life! I wish the very same for his cis-gendered sister!

        Me, Just, Me- I hope “fivekwaks” honest and generously shared feelings resonate with you!

  119. Sue November 1, 2016 at 5:47 am #

    Thank you for this site. Not sure I’m posting in the right place.
    It’s helping to know that I’m not alone, My son was granted access to hormones, by the health service, after counselling, to be female last week. I’m finding it very hard. He’s angry that I don’t just accept it. I am trying but it’s so upsetting I can’t stop crying. He says it’s about him, not me but it’s so painful. His fiancée has left him. He has just started his career. He’s chosen an unusual new name. He’s 6’3. I’m really upset for myself, I wish I wasn’t. I thought I had a tall, beautiful son with a good degree, good prospects and a lovely (but very quiet) fiancée. Now I worry that as a 6’3 transgender daughter, he/she will be bullied, lose his/her prospects and be very lonely. I feel wrong not instantly accepting all of this but it’s such a shame for him. He had a strong tough transgender teacher at school who carried it well. She wore a skirt but made no effort to be anymore female than that. He’s never had many friends, lives at the computer, isn’t very good socially and has high functioning Aspergers.
    There seems no answer. I have lost my son. I wish I could turn the clock back, make different choices for him, maybe have more children? Does time heal the pain?

    Reply
    • transmom November 3, 2016 at 6:59 pm #

      Hi Sue! I hope you will take the time to read the many comments here from other moms- just like you!!- that have and are experiencing similar emotions!

      Unfortunately, you are correct: there is a lot to worry about when you look at the world and how many transgender folks are treated. However, what is the alternative? To have your son live a lie and in constant emotional turmoil? He can’t any longer.

      He’s right: this IS about him and eventually, you do need to get over yourself. HOWEVER, I hope you can convey to him that you have your own personal journey to experience- you didn’t choose this; it’s shocking; you are worried for his welfare; and while you are trying your best to be supportive- you, also, need some time and understanding. THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ANY MOTHER!!! I happened to be blessed: when my son came out to me and my first reaction was to cry, he said, “You get to have your own process around this.” I hope (through honest discussion) your son will allow you the same!

      And, Sue…would have his having more siblings have changed who he is? Could you have said or done something differently as he was growing up to alter this outcome? As Caitlyn Jenner’s therapist said to me four years ago : “NO!” You did NOT cause this or encourage it. This is your child! Just as he found what career makes him happy, he has discovered, too, how to proceed in the world and who he is as an individual.

      Keep reaching out. Read stories of folks like your son.”Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More” by Janet Mock and “Transitions of the Heart: Stories of Love, Struggle and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children” by Rachel Pepper may interest you.

      Hang in there, Sue! Your love for your son will prevail!

      Reply
  120. Unconditionally4ever November 1, 2016 at 8:37 pm #

    I am replying to a post that appeared in my inbox, though I cannot for the life of me find it here. The post asked if the desire to transition could be coming from a hormonal imbalance.

    This has actually crossed my mind as well. My son (soon to be daughter) and I have been extremely open with each other and often, now, even find comic relief when discussing his transition (my son still goes by “he” currently)

    Anyways, to the point. I will ask him about this today. He is about to start testing hormone levels (doc said required before starting estrogen), so this would be the perfect time to ask him. I have a feeling though, that our children have went through many, many years of asking themselves, “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do I feel this way?”, and very. possibly, “Is there something wrong with my hormones?”

    I will ask him though. He is super “down to earth”, so not an issue to ask.

    Also, for “Me, just me”, I have been hiding my pain from him. I wanted him to feel unconditional love throughout this process. I knew, logically, that I could not force another adult person to do (or not do) something. The only thing that can be accomplished by arguing & refusing to accept their choices is the destruction of the parent/child relationship. I really hope I’m not coming across like I am lecturing. Please, please know that is not my intention. I just want you to know that it is possible to get through this without adding scars to your relationship AND even more scars to our kids who have most likely been beating themselves up for many years before we (parents) were even aware of their plight.

    That all being said, I did start crying in front of him the other day :S He hasn’t started to officially transition but, when he was walking past me the other day, he truly (just for a moment) looked like I did at his age (like a recently turned 25 year old woman). I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this epiphany “pre-transition” but it was powerful, overwhelming. So I started crying. I had to tell him why when he asked.

    So point being, even though I am actively trying to be supportive and understanding, it still hurts inside. Sometimes it slips out. It’s okay. This is hard for everyone involved. Please remember, your child needs you now more than ever. Please, come here, vent, cry, get angry, feel however you do (and a lot of us parents) do. Then call your kid and tell them, “I love you no matter what, period.” You will probably hear/feel a thousand held
    breaths release on the other end of the call… 🙂

    Reply
    • transmom November 3, 2016 at 7:10 pm #

      Dear Unconditionally4ever,
      I apologize! I, too, can’t find the post of which you refer from Me, Just Me! I must have deleted it- UGH!

      Your words above are so honest and so heartfelt! They brought tears to my eyes as they resonated so with me! Thank you for taking the time to write!

      Your words, “Please remember, your child needs you now more than ever. Please, come here, vent, cry, get angry, feel however you do (and a lot of us parents) do. Then call your kid and tell them, “I love you no matter what, period.” ” are spot-on, perfect!!
      Amen!!

      Reply
      • bay352015 November 6, 2016 at 6:19 pm #

        I agree with your post. I have often wondered about the hormone connection?? I know that if given a choice it would be so much easier on them to NOT feel the way they do. It is such a difficult process and my heart goes out to my FTM son. The struggles tend to lend themselves to depression which is another hurdle. I just keep loving and praying for strength and happiness for him.

  121. Lisa November 6, 2016 at 10:39 pm #

    My daughter what’s to be a boy

    Reply
    • transmom November 10, 2016 at 12:29 am #

      Hi Lisa. Is this the first you have heard of this? How old is she? How are you feeling about this?

      Reply
      • Lisa November 10, 2016 at 11:34 am #

        My daughter is 13 and I just want her to be happy but I’m scared for her it’s going to be hard and I know life is hard enough

      • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:26 am #

        You are right, Lisa! Life IS hard and this isn’t choosing the surest path. However, NONE of us is guaranteed smooth sailing! This critical decision is about honesty and happiness…it’s what life is meant to be about. It’s what gives our children the courage to face the rough road ahead while we sit back and wring our hands!

  122. Lisa November 6, 2016 at 11:14 pm #

    I love my daughter very much but she wants to be a he and I’m so scared for my kid I just don’t know what to do

    Reply
    • transmom November 10, 2016 at 12:32 am #

      This can be very scary, Lisa. Your love and desire to help her is the very first step. If it is possible for you, finding a therapist in your area who is EXPERIENCED in gender issues can be helpful to both you and your child. Seeking local support groups and speaking to her physician are also steps that will assist you! Please continue to reach out! Keep telling her you love her and you will get through this together!

      Reply
  123. Susan November 8, 2016 at 8:27 pm #

    My 29 year old son called yesterday to tell me he was “trans.” He discovered it in therapy. He says he started feeling it at puberty ( the same time his father, my beloved husband died of cancer at the age of 48.) I am having feelings very similar to the death of my husband. I have no experience with anything that can help me understand. He says he will start hormone therapy next month. I am shattered. I know that I will love my son always, but that’s really all I know right now.

    Reply
    • transmom November 10, 2016 at 12:59 am #

      Susan, I think that IS all you can feel right now…and it’s okay to feel shattered. This news can be a shock and- as we have heard from so many moms- like a death.
      On this the day after the election, I honestly am walking around in a fog that feels as if I am in mourning: I am filled with fear for our LGBTQ kids…I fear the headway we have seen legally and in social acceptance will be lost.
      We both cannot linger here too long: we need to let our children know, no matter what, that we are with them!
      For your son, it may mean helping both of you find support groups, the right doctors and reading, reading, reading. Please take time to be good to yourself- surround yourself with those you love that you know with whom you can derive support! Please know you are NOT ALONE and that this journey will not always be this rough!

      Reply
    • Julie Mellen November 10, 2016 at 1:28 am #

      That’s a completely normal way to feel when you first find out. Acceptance is a journey for many parents, myself included. For me the first hurdle was the pronouns. It’s amazingly what that did for my son. It’s very hard at first, but the more you use he/him the easier it will become. You’re not alone and you should feel good about wanting to support your new son.
      Support groups are the best.
      Good luck to you.

      Reply
      • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:23 am #

        Thanks for this, Julie! I, too, found using the correct pronouns challenging! Initially I thought that it was only right that I continue to use his former female pronouns while I “got used to” this change. I soon realized that calling him by the wrong pronouns was actually painful for him! It was like a slap in the face: I wasn’t REALLY accepting him and respecting his decision completely! We BOTH felt a lot better when I made the effort!!

    • Sue November 20, 2016 at 8:50 am #

      Hi,
      I’m in exactly the same position. I know I love him but I can’t get over that I don’t want him to do this. I worry for him. I worry that at 6’3 his transition will not look convincing.
      However he says he just wants to be happy and believes that this is the answer so I have to understand and support. I’m finding it really tough though. I’ve already reassessed “my” dreams and hopes …and now I’m just praying that it does make him happy and that he doesn’t have to put up with ridicule. I hope he keeps working, he is very well educated and, mostly, I hope that when he becomes she that she finds a life partner.
      But it’s still new to me and I cry for him.
      And I’ve written all of the above because you’re not alone.
      Others on this site have embraced it and it’s good. So I have hope because of this.
      I’ve noticed that he, soon to be she, as he’s just been granted the hormone treatment, is the same person, obvious I know, but I thought I was losing him, and I’m not.
      Sorry about the pronouns, it’s confusing at the moment.
      Very best wishes, Sue.

      Reply
      • Sue November 21, 2016 at 10:52 pm #

        Sounds like we’re are going through the same thing! Good to know I’m not alone. I have the same worries. My son is 5’11” and wears a size 11 shoe (men’s.) His sister is 5’3″. He has Tourette Syndrome, and has never really for in anywhere. His childhood was happy when he was home, but tortured when he was at school. I spent many years anxiety ridden knowing he was going into a hostile environment every school day. Now, I worry it could be worse. It was always so frustrating to me that the kids couldn’t see what I saw: a funny, kind, creative person. He was tested and labeled “gifted” but was a terribly student.
        I, like you just want the barrier that impedes his happiness to go away. I was talking to a good friend this week. Her now 18 year old son was born “normal,” but contracted an illness that left him profoundly altered. He cannot speak, and has been in Special Ed always. She told me that she had to “bury” her hopes and dreams and her ideas of what kind of life he was going to have. Now, her goal is to help him to be the best he can be with who he is right now. I know that is very wise, I’m just not there yet.
        I love him so much, and we went through so much together, I know eventually it will be ok.
        I had a conversation with him last week. He told me that when his Therapist asked about how I would feel about his transition, he told her that he knew his mom would love him always no matter what. He’a right of course!
        Thanks for your response. It helps to know I’m not alone!

      • transmom November 22, 2016 at 2:24 am #

        It takes time and it sounds as if you are well on your way! Look, this is difficult for mothers of kids that have not experienced social struggles! I would imagine it makes the fear even greater! The best part is how your son knows and believes in you – perhaps more than even you believe in yourself! Hang in there!!

      • transmom November 22, 2016 at 12:20 am #

        Dear Sue,
        I am sooooo thankful that you have found not only support here, but also encouragement to continue accepting your son/daughter even when it is really difficult- especially initially! I know your support will make the difference in your ongoing relationship!! When our children (no matter how old they are!) know we are behind them and love them unconditionally, it gives them the ability to tackle the difficult road ahead!
        Thank for being an inspiration to all of us!

  124. Me, Just Me November 10, 2016 at 12:43 pm #

    My daughter just found out she has 2x normal levels of testosterone. I wonder if hormone therapy is all she needs.

    Reply
    • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:27 am #

      That’s really interesting! What does her doctor recommend?

      Reply
      • Me, just me November 20, 2016 at 12:25 pm #

        I don’t know yet. I’m wondering if it’s genetic because a very close relative had this hormone imbalance as well. I was speaking to a Dr I know who suggested hormone replacement therapy. Estrogen, or whatever it takes to balance the hormones. Dr thinks daughter may ‘feel male and not like a female’ because of the hormone problems.

      • transmom November 22, 2016 at 12:22 am #

        I guess all she can do is try to see if “balancing” those hormones makes her sense of self and identity change!! We will all be interested in knowing!
        Keep hanging in there! I hope you will let her know that whatever the outcome, you support her!

      • Lisa November 26, 2016 at 12:34 am #

        Yes can you please let me know about that I have a daughter that wants to be a boy so I’m very interested in knowing what happens thank you lisa

      • transmom November 26, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

        Dear Lisa, There is so much involved when a child is interested in changing the identity they were given at birth! How old is your child? Where do you live? How long have the talked about their transition?

      • Me, Just Me November 26, 2016 at 10:49 pm #

        I can only speak from the point of view as a mother of a daughter who feels male inside. But I can’t help thinking that if her hormones were brought into balance she’d be ok again, feel female. She thinks I’m not understanding her or being sympathetic. _Also, the huge amount of testosterone could be PCOD. Torn between supporting her psychologically or hoping for her to decide to have hormone therapy to help her be female, as she was born.

      • transmom November 28, 2016 at 9:41 pm #

        Dear Me, Just Me,
        I am in agreement with the established medical established: treatment must be multi-pronged: there MUST be psychological support with medical support simultaneously! Believe me, if folks would stop feeling that they are better aligned to the opposite gender that they were assigned at birth by merely taking MORE of their assigned gender’s hormones, folks would be rushing to do that! But individuals with Gender Identity Disorder are given that diagnosis because what they are experiencing is far more complicated than a hormonal imbalance!
        Blood tests to rule out any endocrine problems and should be taken before hormone treatment is given. Levels of luteinising hormone (LH), follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), testosterone, oestradiol and prolactin are typically tested. Tests can also be taken to check the person’s number and appearance of their chromosomes (my son had this done). Tests also indicate if it will be safe to give hormones (liver function tests, a prostate-specific antigen test for cis-gendered males, and a full blood count and tests to rule out any endocrine problems). In regards to long-term outcomes: the mortality rate between the trans and general population is not any different. This demonstrates that ongoing hormone replacement therapy for transgendered folks is SAFE!

      • Lisa November 29, 2016 at 12:28 am #

        My daughter is 13 and it first started at the she was bisexual and I was ok with that then a year later she told me that she Felt like a boy so should I take her to the doctors to see about the hormones Lisa from New York

      • transmom December 1, 2016 at 5:31 am #

        Hi Lisa!
        This is common as kids go through adolescence…they are trying to figure out how they identify as an individual and who they are. Some kids wonder if they can be homosexual or bisexual because the other kids at school are talking about it. They may know other kids or adults that identify as gay or trans or bisexual and compare those folks to themselves. This is an age of exploration!
        Being transgender, however, typically exhibits as an ongoing feeling for two or more years. This is best diagnosed by psychological and medical professionals who are experienced with gender issues. I really suggest counseling with someone that is experienced in gender! After some time, that professional can help your daughter decide if this is an accurate representation of her true identity.

        Rather than dismiss what your daughter might be thinking (this could be an ongoing accurate realization!!), let her know that it is important for BOTH OF YOU to get support from someone knowledgeable! Knowledge is power!!

        I hope this helps! The best to both of you as you move forward!

      • Lisa December 1, 2016 at 8:50 pm #

        I have her seeing a therapist but is ok for her to shop in the boys department and Is it ok for me to buy her boys underwear I let her do all of that but I just need someone to tell me that it’s ok

      • transmom December 2, 2016 at 12:46 am #

        Whatever you are comfortable in doing, Lisa. It was hard for me to buy my son those things at first, but it actually helped me to accept him more! And it did a WORLD OF GOOD for my (then) daughter! Buying those items REALLY helped my child to feel accepted and supported by me!! It may seem like such a little thing, but it can feel really huge to our children!!

        If you want to be supportive- GO FOR IT!!!

  125. Barbara November 10, 2016 at 10:26 pm #

    I am not able to handle this. I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My 14 year old daughter is saying she’s a boy. Wants to change her name. I am so repulsed by it. I hate it. Hate every self serving part of this selfish process

    Reply
    • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:36 am #

      Hey Barbara! I am going to be really bold here and ask you to dig deeply! Can you consider that what you are calling “hate” could be, instead, fear? Hearing that you feel like you are on the edge of a nervous breakdown makes be think you are, instead of hate, filled with anxiety! If you are not familiar with any transgender individuals (and most people aren’t!), and you watch and hear how so many many Americans have negative and hateful reactions to trans-folks, then I can absolutely understand that you are, indeed, filled with fear and anxiety about your young daughter!!

      This is a HUGE change! Wrapping your head around this can be frightening! But I am here to tell you that you CAN handle this. You CAN because you love your daughter and you can choose to handle this. The alternative could be to lose your daughter!

      I urge you to write down all your fears and find an experienced therapist that can help you along the way. Continue to reach out to those of us that have overcome the same fears and situation who are now in a better place with healthy children! We are here for you!! Can you consider this?

      Reply
    • Tyson's Mom November 20, 2016 at 2:22 pm #

      Hi Barbara,
      My daughter told me at age 14 that she was really a boy. Prior to that, I knew something was going on (too much detail for this post here).

      It was very very hard. I was on my knees praying daily “God, fix my daughter.” Daily. I had my bible study group praying for her daily.

      After a year, I also prayed “God, if this is your will, make it happen.” And thru a series of things, my heart came to acceptance.

      My kid’s therapist shared this YouTube video with me and it was very interesting. Check it out: https://youtu.be/nOmstbKVebM

      I also have a blog about my journey with my transgender kid (who will be 18 in 2 weeks and is living as a boy now). Check it out if you’d like: http://hismomjourney.blogspot.com/?m=0

      Much love to you,
      Christie

      Reply
      • transmom November 22, 2016 at 2:13 am #

        GREAT video, Christie! Thanks for sharing!!!

  126. Judy November 11, 2016 at 2:50 pm #

    My 26 year old son is wanting to be & feels he was meant to be female. I just finally asked & he said yes. His Dr. suggested an endocrinologist & a therapist. I have told my older son since he has been worried about the younger one & suicide risk! He says that’s not him. Just hoping for support & maybe direction. I’m 100% supportive of whatever he decides. His Dad said he is also. Any help or advice would be appreciated. Thank you! Ps…..I’m a 62 year old woman, at home on disability.

    Reply
    • transmom November 20, 2016 at 4:56 am #

      Hi Judy! I so appreciate that you and your husband are already so supportive of your son! I know this means the world to him! My experience with an adult child is that allowing them to lead this process is key. Ask him how you can assist (making calls to doctors and/or researching informations, for example). KEEP TALKING! I hope you and your husband can find a parents’ group for support- this was key for my husband and I! Reading about other trans-folks also helped me start understanding their experiences and the transition process some. It helped me know my kid wasn’t alone!
      Good luck and please continue to let us know how all of you are progressing! Hugs to you!!

      Reply
  127. LovingMomof2 November 25, 2016 at 6:42 pm #

    I am so grateful to find this site. My first born spoke with me yesterday about their plans starting next year, starting gender therapy and transitioning to MTF. Yesterday I was in shock but still very supportive, I love my child no matter what. Today I cannot even describe the waves of emotions I am going through as it really sinks in. First and foremost I want my adult child to be happy and I will be there for support and love them no matter what. I just woke up today feeling like I am losing a son. Is this normal?

    Reply
    • transmom November 25, 2016 at 7:27 pm #

      ABSOLUTELY, LovingMomof2!! This IS an expected reaction! You will be “losing” what you have become comfortable with, but gaining a MUCH happier and healthier child in return! I know it doesn’t seem at all possible now, but one day, you will automatically use the correct pronouns and even have a hard time conquering up your previous vision of your child! Because I started out with two daughters, I worried that I didn’t even know how “to be” a mom to a son! I thought I wouldn’t be able to relate to him! Boy, was I wrong!! It’s sooooo much easier to enjoy and relate to a child that is content with themselves!!

      If you are at all like most of the moms that have written to my blog, you will go through a period of pain, anguish, worry and even fear. Right now you are wrapping your head around the fact that the train is already leaving the station. Jumping on board so as not to miss out on this important journey with your child is the most crucial decision you can make! Close your eyes, believe, have faith and LEAP!!

      She has you! You are the most important gift you can give your transforming child! She will need your emotional support going forward and you, my friend, will be so relieved you decided to take the leap with her!! Blessings to you both!!

      Reply
      • LovingMomof2 November 25, 2016 at 9:25 pm #

        Thank you so much for the response, and confirming what I am feeling is normal. I texted them today to say, that I did wake up with a wave emotions, and I had questions and of course motherly concerns, but we could talk about that at any time. And I reinforced that I will always be there and will do anything to help support them during these changes and how much I love them.
        It hasn’t even been 24 hours to digest this news, so not ready to start saying her just yet, which is why I keep saying them or their,but I am sure after time that will come easier. I am trying to locate groups I can join, I am in Georgia, and searching the internet about this is a little overwhelming.

      • transmom November 26, 2016 at 9:40 pm #

        Look at you, LovingMomof2!! You are on it- BIG time!!
        The searching thing can be overwhelming! Try looking for a “gender law center” near you, any LGBT Centers usually know of groups. Even contacting psychologists and doctors that specialize in gender might lead you in the right direction!! Good luck!! Keep up the great work!

      • LovingMomof2 January 7, 2017 at 6:25 pm #

        Happy New Year everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know I had a wonderful Christmas with my Child! We spent the whole day together on the 26th. Since finding out about her true feelings at Thanksgiving, I went out and bought different presents. At first it was strange buying for a girl ( as I had birthed two sons) but it was easier than I thought. Seeing the joy on their face opening up the gifts was priceless. We also went clothes shopping for the first time. We had fun! I learned that she doesn’t like bright colors more gender neutral. So after pulling some clothes off the rack and trying them on, we were able to figure out the correct sizes in female clothes and buy a couple of outfits. I was able to really talk freely and get a chance to ask some questions since being first told with my child. The day was really great and I feel even closer to my child, even though I didn’t think that would be possible, being closer, but somehow that is how it feels. We are on this new journey together.

      • transmom January 10, 2017 at 8:18 pm #

        Congratulations, Loving Momof2!!
        You have ALREADY come so far in such a short time!! And we can all feel the joy you experienced and the hope you are now able to hold for your relationship with your child!!

        It personally warms my heart- and actually transports me back 4 years ago!! I had the same experience shopping with my son for the first time during his transition! I, too, was able to learn what kinds of clothes he desired and was also given that opportunity to talk openly!! The entire experience felt as if trapped air had been let out of the room! It sounds as if, you too, were able to breathe more easily (and I bet also sleep more easily!!) after your shopping experience! I’m delighted for you!

        You, your child, and your entire family are going to be just GREAT! Happy New Year! And thanks for sharing your experience!!!

      • joanne2sons January 10, 2017 at 8:27 pm #

        What a wonderful post for the New Year!!! Thank you LovingMomof2 for being such an amazing mom. I’m so glad you had such a nice shopping adventure with your daughter. I’m doing my best to try to find things to be grateful for each day!! I just saw a really worthwhile play this weekend, entitled “Pronoun” in Davis, CA. It was a very touching and informative play about transition, testosterone and the complexities of love, gender identity and growing up. I just wish my son would have gone with me — but I am grateful for my friends from my support group who attended this production with me. We all thought it was excellent.

      • transmom January 11, 2017 at 1:57 am #

        Thanks for recommending the play, Joanne2sons! I’ll post it on my FB page- you never know if someone will happen to read about it!!
        Being in a support group is a wonderful gift you give yourself: folks understand what you’re feeling and do not judge! Good for you!!!
        Happy New Year, Terrific Mom of 2!!

  128. linda gealy November 26, 2016 at 2:45 pm #

    Thank you for putting yourself out there , I am sitting here crying so deep , my son ? ( I haven’t been able to say my daughter ) has refused me to have me around for the past 8 years due to me Not completely accepting , my heart keeps hoping that he will “grow” out of it , praying and hoping that God will give him his life back , he has asbergers to , It has come to the final nail , so to speak , as he went to Mexico for start of changes. How much this has been a huge journey for him , as long as I don’t , and he said he can tell , accept completely I am to stay away. I lost my son and losing the person he became , I am at a wall , please if anyone can help me. Thank you

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

      Dear Linda,
      I hear your pain and anguish! Eight years is such a terribly long time to go without the relationship that you desire to have with your child! I am sorry for your pain!
      However, I believe that you know already what will break down that wall. It is your acceptance. It is too painful for your daughter to go this long and have you not accept her. This is who she is. This is how she sees herself. It is how she lives her life. And as an adult, that is her choice alone. That is who she is now.

      If even calling her by the correct pronouns is something you cannot bring yourself to do, then, honestly, it is too big a risk for your daughter to open herself up to a relationship with you! Of course SHE can tell if your unconditional love and acceptance is there-and it is not yet. You believe you lost a son? No, you lost the identity of the child you raised. You child remains. Your child lives and breathes and laughs and cries…all behind a different exterior is all.

      I am going to be very harsh here because the future of your relationship with your child depends upon this: You need to get over yourself! Your dreams for your son are no longer there! This is not about YOU…this is about your child and want SHE needs! She needs and deserves her mother’s love and support…no matter what she looks like. No matter what she does for a living. No matter who she sleeps with. No matter what her name is and what pronouns she prefers. She is not a murderer. She doesn’t deserved to be punished.

      Now in saying that, I understand that what I am asking you to do is VERY HARD!! I am asking you to let go of what you may believe. To discard your dream for your child. But I am telling you that this is what mothers, just like you, all over the world, are choosing to do because the love for their children is greater than any disappointment or disagreement. The relationship, the connection between mother and child overcomes ALL!

      Reply
      • Unconditionally4ever November 29, 2016 at 8:57 pm #

        Leaving this reply on transmom’s post but it is also directed at Linda Gealy.

        I have been reading, sometimes posting, but often just observing. I was initially attracted to this page because it was the first one that I found that wasn’t attacking parents for expressing their feelings.

        I do hope that Linda is still here, reading.

        There is a difference between attacking someone for their opinions and passionately trying to reach out to them. Linda I REALLY hope you’re still reading this. I could literally feel Transmom’s passionate plea as I read it. It brought me to tears because I DO understand why she felt the need to be “harsh” as she called it. I pray that you didn’t feel attacked but fear that you may have taken it that way.

        You are absolutely entitled to your ideals, opinions, religious values of course. But the simple fact is this, you need to make a decision, for many a very very painful one, to either accept your daughter or lose her forever. Period.

        Linda, I do not, did not agree with my son’s choice to follow through with his gender change (he is still going by he and says he doesn’t care about pronouns. Though I will call him whatever he wants to be called when that time comes).

        BUT I never ever in a million years wanted him to know anything other than love & support from me. I told him I will stand by him without a second thought as to my values, my views, my opinions… Because it is his life not mine and (I think I’ve said this before) our kids going through this have already beat themselves up about this a million times over, the last thing they need is to be beat up by the one person they should be able to depend on NO MATTER WHAT. Unconditionally period.

        If I or Transmom seem to be attacking you please please take a step back and see that it is possible that we are pleading with you to hold onto your beautiful child and love her regardless of her gender. Do not lose her over this. Don’t let her hurt anymore. Just call her and tell her your sorry, that you were wrong, that you love her and always will. It isn’t that hard to do. Simple words to begin healing. If your feeling upset, come talk. But when it comes to your child, please please don’t shed that burden onto her.

        Sorry got to rambling. God bless

      • transmom December 1, 2016 at 5:37 am #

        Dear Unconditionally4ever,

        THANK YOU!! I REALLY appreciate your clarifying my concerns! You did not ramble- in fact, I think you are very articulate!

        I agree- we are pleading with Linda Gealy because we CAN hear that she is desperate and broken with the possibility of losing her child permanently! We also know that this can be avoided by doing what her heart is asking her to do- love her child and accept her!

        I do hope you are reading, Linda! We really do wish you the very best: a continued relationship with your child!

    • LovingMomof2 November 27, 2016 at 3:20 am #

      Hi Linda

      My heart is breaking for you. I hope you can mend your relationship with your child. I do feel like I am mourning the loss of my son, but first and foremost I want my children to be happy. And if this is what they want to do. I will do everything in my power to help them and be there every step of their new journey. My heart hurts to think that they have been so unhappy in their own skin and I never knew it. Right now I am the only one that knows , he hasn’t told me ex (that is not going to go well) or his younger brother.

      Transmom, I am going to take your above advice and get over myself. I am now 48 hours in of being told and I am still working through my own feelings. I have started a long list of questions and concerns that I have for my child, while being supportive and encouraging. I intend to there for my child every step of the way.

      Reply
      • transmom November 28, 2016 at 9:55 pm #

        Dear Loving Mom of 2,
        I am so happy you have decided to take the difficult step in helping your child!!

        Having questions and concerns is great: I just want to suggest that if you roll out a long list, your child might feel “confronted” or worse, attacked! You do not want your concern to be misconstrued and interpreted as if you are trying to find reasons to talk them out of this!

        Instead, I encourage you to prioritize your list to your 3 most important concerns. Share outright that you are NOT trying to talk them out of this…this is just a lot for YOU to take in. YOU are NEW to this and you are trying to educate YOURSELF. It is helpful for them to help YOU become informed along the way. Talking and asking questions is a way that will help YOU.

        I emphasize this because I believe if the statements are “I statements” or “I messages”, it will feel much less confrontative! The pathway for communication should be made gently and respectfully. Your child expects you to be all fired up and non-supportive (that’s how most parents react, unfortunately!)…so PLEASE, while you are talking, check in A LOT with them! Try saying, “Does that make sense?” and “Tell me about…”. Let them share their feelings! Ask them how you can best help!

        THANK THEM for including you in this incredibly important decision and journey! Let them know YOU understand that they do NOT have to include you and that you appreciate them trusting you at such a vulnerable time!!

        My very best to you and your child!!

  129. Kathy Majer December 1, 2016 at 11:34 am #

    Hi, I just found out my son is transgender. I’ve known for about a year. I was in denial and still have a hard time believing it. I love him. All I want to do is love and except him for whomever he is.. my son told me he was gay three years ago. Into the end of his senior year I found feminine items in his room… in my heart I knew it was something more. I would live to join a forum or group for not only myself but to better understand my daughter now… thank you Kathy Majer.

    Reply
    • transmom December 2, 2016 at 12:43 am #

      Hi Kathy!
      I sooooo can relate you your “denial” phase: I did the same! I just hoped it would go away and (she) would remain gay!
      Then , my first support group was actually a PFLAG group (they can be wonderful!!)- but when I heard other parents woeful of their gay children, I was thinking, “Gimme a break! I WISH my kid was (only) gay!!” I needed to be share my feelings with other parents of transgender kids. I found such solace and support when I finally hooked up with the right group!!

      Are you in an urban area that might have a group near you? Have you checked with your local LGBT center?

      Let me know if you need help finding one!!
      Transmom

      Reply
  130. AeonPnuema December 2, 2016 at 6:02 pm #

    My trans son is about to turn 18 and he won’t talk to me. I miss him very much. Due to financial strains Fresno, CA he went to live with his grandmother, in Porterville,CA. At his new high school he got beat up trying to use the bathroom by another boy. He moved out and away back to Fresno at 17 to live with trans friends. When he was beginning to understand that he was not cis gendered and came out I was concerned and tried to have conversations about the difficulty with others he was starting to face. Somehow I became the “bad- guy”. I am in college again and working at a Queer Resource Center. I support all kinds of students. I wish I could support my own student too.

    Reply
    • Me, Just Me December 5, 2016 at 10:32 pm #

      Is your son a male by birth? Transitioning to female? I’m aways confused in this forum.

      Reply
      • transmom December 5, 2016 at 10:37 pm #

        I believe her child was identified as female at birth.

    • transmom December 5, 2016 at 10:36 pm #

      AeonPnuema,
      You must be so frustrated! It is obvious you are open and supportive of gender variant individuals while working at a Queer Resource Center! I applaud you for the work you do and for returning to school- you are a dedicated person!

      I want to reinforce your efforts to remain in contact with your son! Somehow, he interpreted your conversation about your concerns and the challenges you saw potentially facing him as not being supportive of his journey. Perhaps he walked into that conversation with an expectation that he would be challenged and so whatever you said was, unfortunately, interpreted that way. I hope you have the opportunity to share how you really feel!

      I encourage you to remain steadfast in your desire to support your son! Continue to reach out while letting him be the one that guides your new relationship. I hope there is a way for you to contact him whether that be verbally or in writing, to offer your unconditional love, without strings attached!

      My best to you!

      Reply
      • bay352015 December 15, 2016 at 5:50 am #

        Your son will be back to reconcile. You sound like a very supportive parent. He will pull away for awhile because I believe the connection they feel with especially us moms causes confusion in becoming the person they want to become. I felt this growing up in my twenties with my mom and I wasn’t transitioning. But we soon became close friends again once I grew up a little. I also have a FTM son and we are having some difficult times at the moment because of his depression and other mental health issues. He will be moving back home at 25 and I know this isn’t going to be easy. I think some of the positive posts on here are wonderful but there is much pain in this. I also believe there is always the need for counseling and continued support until they find a way to support themselves in the world. Much luck to you. I can’t imagine the fear you feel for his safety and having him just let you know he’s ok would be the best feeling in the world. I should be a private detective because I have found ways to “find” my kids when they block me on Facebook etc. Are you paying for the phone he won’t accept texts on? Shut it off. He will contact you in record time. I really think sometimes we are very soft on our gender transitioning children because the threat of suicide is more than the average person can deal with. But they are adults and people. I deal with them straight on. I don’t care about the gender but I do care that they treat the family with respect. You deserve this. Take care and as always be good to yourself so that you can be strong for others. Kay

      • transmom December 16, 2016 at 3:00 am #

        Great advice!! Thanks, Kay!!

  131. Tina December 15, 2016 at 12:34 am #

    I need support

    Reply
    • transmom December 16, 2016 at 2:58 am #

      Hey Tina! Are you on FB? You can message me via my FB page with this same name: Transforming Love: support for mothers of transgender children.
      I can answer you privately there, or you can write here. Where do you live and how can we help?
      I hope to hear from you!

      Reply
  132. Kim Sweeney December 16, 2016 at 5:06 am #

    My son is turning 20 and he wants to start to transition. I knew he was gay since he was too only played with girl toys girl play having girls for friends and girly mannerisms but I talked it up to being feminine gay., I love him with all my heart but I’m scared to death about this whole process I’m sad I’m confused my son also has Asperger’s so his social skills aren’t there not to mention he doesn’t understand sarcasm I really don’t want to see him get hurt in this process. I’ve read 54% of transgender kids Try Suicide without their parents backup. So I have my game face on and going with it but it’s really hurting me. I’m going to miss the sun that I’ve had for 20 years, show me it feels almost as if it’s a death. I’m crushed.

    Reply
    • transmom December 16, 2016 at 6:01 am #

      you are NOT alone, Kim! So many of us moms here have felt the same fears and the same sense of loss! It’s real and it’s painful!! Y

      You kind of said it all when you described it as, “having your game face on”- that is exactly what we do for our children! We “suffer” in silence because we KNOW that our precious children (no matter what t heir age)have enough on their emotional plates….so we smile, hug, encourage, listen, and believe. We tell them again and again that we love them and they’ve “go this!”. They do not need to worry about us when they already are worrying about “passing”, acceptance from friends, family, and co-workers, bullying, and living happily. While most people simply live their lives, our children worry about the process of living. And so we know not to share our deepest fears, our anguish and our sorrow in missing their former selves that we loved so much.

      But here’s the good news, Kim: after some time, that sense of loss doesn’t exist. We simply see our child in their new form and we love who they are just as we did their former selves. Maybe more- as now we hold them with a sense of awe; that they could actually be this brave! That they could actually live authentically in the face of so much negativity! Our new respect takes the place of our fear. And the new sense of joy they now feel, fills that hole that once was filled with fear and longing!!
      YOU have got this, Kim! You sound amazing!!

      Reply
  133. Growing December 21, 2016 at 5:33 am #

    Hi, Sorry i hope this is just not for Moms ,I am a father of a 31 year old transgender woman now .My wife and I first found out about it a few years ago when he said he was going to change how he looked. what did that mean ? then once the transformation started to take place we where shocked ! like most of you no sign of this at all,None in over 28 years. ,And now no time to prepare as well. He had been dating girls all through high school and collage and living with the same girl after school for 7 years ,he only dressed like this part time she is OK with it, and she said she had family that did it as well. Then he got married to this women and during there wedding vows he thanked her for allowing him to were dresses and make up. for me it was like being in some kind of strange dream waiting for the alarm clock to wake us into reality . “Ring” Well she divorced him one year latter saying it was too much, he was not man enough any more. My wife and I walked around in denial for almost 2 years thinking it was just some phase or fad.he will see the light and find his way back. He has now transformed for the most part into” Her” now.she still dated other women for a while and now news flash, She now has A new boyfriend . she has a brother that is having a hard time with the change still. And yes, we did got through all the pain of , “its your fault” to each other ,”he must be having a breakdown of some sort “, “why “-” How could He ” “We must of screwed up as parents ” ? – “what about your job” ? “how do we tell the grandparents ” ? phase . We also did the, I am not talking to each other for a bit thing as well.That was Dumb. My wife and I told each other ,do not dare tell the rest of the friends and family ,” God forbid” ! This is really how we behaved,just like most of you all. the truth is my wife and I still has a hard time dealing with all at times but its getting better , My other son not so much .This is a long very painful and stressful process. WE are not going to change it ! you have to come to grips with that. IT takes time and compassion . the hard part for us was feeling like if you except the “New Her” you are abandoning your “Old Son”. then it gets worse, you are told one day don’t call me by the name you gave me “30” years ago and know me by, call me by my” New name”. How did that work out for the rest of you ? not good for us . We have slipped up many times, Its easier using the” New name” when talking about the future with them. However when the past life comes up its seems almost impossible not to use the birth name. Now when that happens feelings are hurt and we feel like terrible people . I tried to explain it like this to every one, the transgender person who has prepared themselves for some time.They then Grab a big brown bag and cut holes in it to see out of and then put the bag over there head and look back at the world .Note: The whole world looks like it always did ,no change looking out . But to the family looking back at you the person in the bag our view of them and our world has changed a lot. Its really about talking things out , work out the details about how to act and understand each others comfort zones .It will have to Evolve . Be respectful of each-others feelings and wishes. Give tolerance to each other when they miss step . forgive ,move on ! Understand it my take the rest of your ” life time” to be perfect at it. Thank “GOD” you chose to take that life time together. . We all have but a moment in time to live our life with our family and friends ,and then its gone for ever ! you are only here once with the ones you love.

    Reply
    • transmom December 22, 2016 at 7:54 pm #

      Dear Growing (WELCOME DAD!!!),
      How I LOVE and APPRECIATE your closing thoughts,
      “We all have but a moment in time to live our life with our family and friends ,and then its gone for ever ! you are only here once with the ones you love.”
      Such an important reminder – especially at this time of year!! So many of our transgender children are NOT accepted by their families and are especially vulnerable to depression at a time when many cultures are all about family activities and traditions! Feeling outside of those you love can be experienced as a desperate loss!

      Transition is not easy for either the transgender individual or their family and friends. You are so correct in saying we need to find respect and tolerance during this process! We are all bound to make mistakes in gender use – especially when we refer back to a time recalling our child during their former identity!! We need to forgive ourselves; our children need to find patience with us, and we need to try as hard as we can to use the correct pronoun/name knowing that when our children do not hear who they have requested to be acknowledged, it is extremely painful and feels disrespectful!
      You are correct, Growing, this does not “go away”. It becomes easier when we focus on the love and commitment and that your child (no matter how they dress, who they love, what they call themselves, what they do for a living, etc.) will ALWAYS be your child. Different expectation for us as parents, but this is THEIR life- we need to get out of their way and help them be happy individuals -NOT stand in the way of their identity expression and their ability to find contentment.

      You are so right: life is too short!!

      Great good luck to you: you sound as if you are really trying and on the way to acceptance. In that acceptance, I assure you that you will find contentment and a renewed appreciation of your child!

      Reply
  134. Dawn December 22, 2016 at 4:42 am #

    My son is transitioning FTM. My husband and I are totally rine with this. Although ot surly is a. Learning process that is never ending. Most ofvmy family has excepted this and are ok witj call him by his perfered name, however due to his aunts religion she woll not call him by his chosen name, only his birthj name. We were invited to her house for Christmas dinner we chose to decline due to the emotional stress thst will cause our son. I am struggling because I don’t know if i have made the right decision. Our son is also administering T weekly and waiting for approval on top surgery.

    Reply
    • transmom December 22, 2016 at 8:00 pm #

      I believe you made the correct choice! I applaud you as I am sure this was not easy…often times, such a choice can cause a family argument. But he is your son now and your PRIMARY allegiance is with him! You are able to say to your son, “We love your Aunt, but no matter who we love, we will not tolerate any less than complete respect and tolerance for you!” Imagine how supportive and loving this will feel to your son?!! Talk about an amazing Christmas present!! You are awesome!
      When my son came out and my husband and I were similarly outwardly supportive, my son shared that the trans folks he knew had NOT experienced such love and support. Sadly, instead, their families had shunned them and refused to acknowledge their new identities.

      I know that your son’s transition will be one of joy in a new beginning- thanks to your unconditional love!!!!

      Reply
      • Growing December 23, 2016 at 5:21 am #

        From Growing , Dawn, we did the same thing many many times. We chose not to put our child through it. I think I understand how you feel Torn Between Two universes. the life you once had and the life you are thrust into. I think we all fear the unknown at times . I remember feeling overwhelmed and devastated. Truth be told that’s nothing compared to what our transgender children have been faceing, having to go against everything they have been taught to understand about what and who they are .Sad that some of them having going it alone. I understand everybody’s experience is going to be different and there hardships are as well. I am very thankful I found this website, thank all of you people who have open your life up for us to share. Its helpful to know we’re not all alone. We will try to prepared for the long journey. I guess we’re all going to grow together. We all just want our children to be part of our life and for them to be safe and happy. My hart go’s out to you all who’s are not speaking to your children. That’s not fair to either of you. Exhaust every effort third parties letters whatever you can do keep trying.

      • transmom December 24, 2016 at 6:49 am #

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!!

  135. Barb December 28, 2016 at 11:09 pm #

    My 22 yo daughter has decided to transition to male. I am in full support. She had mentioned it when she was 13 and I had been really upset about it. Not because she wanted to transition but rather the challenges she would face and the uphill battle she would have. Because of that she shut it away and did not mention it again…until now. Things have changed a lot in 10 years. And we talk about it alot. We just went shopping yesterday and she bought all male clothes. I am trying to get across to her that this isn’t just her going through this, That I am too. She belittles my process. How do I get across to her, that no matter how supportive I am ( and I could care less about her gender) that there is some emotional components I am dealing with as a parent and as a mom that raised a daughter who is now a son. Am I wrong? I am not sure if I am saying this right.

    Reply
    • transmom December 30, 2016 at 4:10 am #

      You certainly are “saying it right”, Barb!! Since I also was in the same position as you almost 4 years ago, I understand your journey! If you are up for it, consider asking him (your new son!) to read my blog and the many notes the moms write to express their deep emotions while they try their best to support their beloved children!
      While I do not expect a young adult to easily put themselves in our shoes, I do hope that they agree that open dialogue and communication is key for a successful transition if they expect to be unconditionally supported throughout this process. And for that communication and dialogue to be successful, there needs to be an agreement that there exists mutual respect. If you are to accept and support him, you only expect respect in return. Feeling belittled is NOT an option! Everyone has their own experience during this journey- you get to have yours as well as he gets to experience his. They are not the same. They are not comparable. But they ARE BOTH valid and authentic.
      I encourage you to have boundaries, Barb: having boundaries is healthy! It’s healthy to expect and frankly, to demand, to be treated with dignity when you are striving to treat others the same way. It is particularly important now because you are a role model for your child- even as he is a young adult- how you treat each other is how he should strive to be treated in all other relationships going forward!
      I also encourage you to attend family counseling together if you are able!! It is a safe place to share your story and have someone “back you up”!! I think it could REALLY be helpful to you and your son during this time!
      The best of all to you!

      Reply
      • Lisa January 11, 2017 at 2:46 pm #

        I’m happy for you that you can feel so happy about your kids decision but I can’t feel the same my daughter is only 13 and now she is asking me about operations to change to male I don’t think my kid is old enough to do that please help I just don’t know what is right or wrong she’s only 13 thanks Lisa

      • transmom January 11, 2017 at 9:43 pm #

        Hi Lisa! It is not uncommon for children- especially ones that are about to o are going through puberty- to ask about surgery. At 13, they are worried they will grow up to become something they do not want to see in the mirror!
        All medical decisions should be made by the parents of a child- and that is what your daughter is- she is still a child.
        Since this is a very difficult time- one in which hormone blockers might be used now so that surgery would not be required later- I hope that you will seek medical support as soon as possible! I hope you will be able to connect with a physician that has experience with gender issues! Remember that knowledge is power! Both you and your daughter will feel more in control when you have a plan in place!!
        Good luck!!

  136. Theresa olaf January 3, 2017 at 1:48 pm #

    My daughter is transitioning into a male. I am afraid for her health. She is not taking care of herself & has more health problems than ever. She never had any signs of being male when she was growing. She was an only spoiled child with two homes & her manipulation was very apparent . I am not on board with this transition & believe it is a mistake. I think she has a personality disorder & loves drama. Actually film is her major. Drama is her life. She looks hideous as a male. I want to stop being her parent. The love of my life is dead to me. I am so very tempted to send her a mean text. I have mean up for days crying & journaling. I’m a good mom & not a mean person. Why are all the resources “how to support the trans” where are the resources to support the moms of selfish kids?

    Reply
    • transmom January 5, 2017 at 7:59 pm #

      This transition- or even the consideration of a transition- is not easy for parents or their transgender children- no matter how old those children may be! I hear your frustration, pain, and your fear for your daughter!

      Theresa, I believe that sending ANY text at a critical time in anyone’s life can be a HUGE mistake! You are a thoughtful parent are NOT an impulsive high school girl! These are critical decisions your child is making- a text to convey all that you are feeling will not only NOT stop her from doing what she feels necessary, but it may permanently damage any relationship that you are able to share.

      I would highly recommend that you arrange to see a therapist together! That person should be trained in gender issues. You and your daughter will have an opportunity to speak openly and be heard by each other. If there is absolutely no ability to see a therapist, perhaps there is someone that you both trust that can help you sit together and share openly, honestly, without interruption?

      I am happy to hear that you are journaling. It would be helpful for you to re-read your thoughts and write a numbered list of your concerns; talking points. Simply calling your daughter “selfish” or “dramatic” will only cause her to respond defensively. This needs to be a serious conversation for you both to make any progress! Instead, try giving specific reasons or examples of each of your concerns. Have your concerns be “I” messages. For example, “I worry that your becoming male is not authentic. I can’t remember you ever asking to be a boy or having any signs of being male when you were young.” Then give your daughter the opportunity to address that concern.

      Be ready to “agree to disagree”! She may never say anything to you to make you believe this is the best decision. Likewise, she may not agree with any of your concerns or think they are reasonable. At the end of the day, she gets to make this call- this is HER life! However, if you are going to continue to maintain a relationship with her, if you are going to have her be a part of your life, that is YOUR decision. Sometimes all we can do as WE want for our children and learn to love who they are.

      Good luck to you both!

      Reply
  137. Ann January 11, 2017 at 5:03 pm #

    Looking for online community support for parents and sibling and non binary late teen. Your blog is wonderfully helpful as this is HARD work for everyone. As mom I feel like I have been busy doing my best to support all involved that I have been denying my own processing. Late at night I am exhausted and cry silently into my pillow worrying about my teens future in terms of safety. Any comments are helpful.

    Reply
    • transmom January 11, 2017 at 9:57 pm #

      I think every mom with a transgender child has felt as you do now, Ann! Exhausted, overwhelmed, and worried sick. Crying into a pillow at night instead of sleeping…you could have been describing ME!!

      When you love your child and you see the possibilities that face transgendered folks these days; there IS a real reason why we worry! HOWEVER…when you are diligent- NOT sitting back complacently, NOT imagining that this will all roll out easily without you…and, instead, being proactive and becoming an advocate for your kid- THEN you will know strength and see positive change!!

      Nope- this is NOT easy (especially when your child is an adolescent)- but insuring that your child feels unconditional love and support WILL make all the difference in the world!!

      Here’s a survival trick: you can’t lose yourself during this arduous process! You have to make time for yourself: exercise, eating healthily, journaling, spending time with supportive friends and family- these are all key to your being able to be there in the way that your child needs: STRONG!!! I also REALLY recommend counseling for both of you- separately having a place to sort this all out emotionally. Time to acknowledge your pain without fear of judgement is huge! And if you can locate a support group, you will can really feel even better!

      Please know that you are NOT alone!! We moms of trans kids totally understand and relate! You can private message me on FB at:
      Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children.

      The very best to you!!

      Reply
      • Ann January 12, 2017 at 1:20 pm #

        Thank you. You have been my first outreach and I just teared up when seeing your response. Reading it gave me a sense of relief and hope for connection with other moms. I am not on FB but will create an account to follow and instant message. Open to anyone else’s comments or support for gender queer young adult which is the term my late teen prefers as well as using neutral pronouns. I am working hard at conveying my love and being flexible. This is such a wonderful blog and the extended hand from other moms is priceless.

      • transmom January 17, 2017 at 8:55 pm #

        Thanks, Ann! There are lots of moms that find themselves int he same position as you! I am not sure where you are located, but I just heard of a queer group that is organizing and they are in the LA area. Let me know if this information would be helpful to you! Until then, please know that this is not something that comes easily- just hearing that you are working hard at becoming more flexible makes me know your kid is one of the lucky ones!!!

      • Ann January 15, 2017 at 4:21 pm #

        Thank you for your kindness. I would like to private message you but will have to have one of my kids assist as I just created a page! Ha! I will share for everyone that I am experiencing so much guilt right now as my gender queer teen arrived last night in a very different expression of clothing and I wanted so badly to jump for joy because I know it made them happy but am struggling with my own process and I do not want to hurt them so trying to handle things privately. What came out from me when they walked in was silence and a hug for a few minutes then they went to the bathroom in tears. I feel horrible. We talked at length afterward and I am ashamed that something like expression with clothing is difficult for me. I thought I was much more progressive:) Hard to find out ugly truths about yourself. I love my young adult with every fiber in my being. I am so mad at myself that my initial reaction and feeling was silence instead of celebration. I am open to others experience of this inner conflict. I am looking for a support group but for now this page is what I have. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to be helpful to my beautiful 19 year old.

      • transmom January 17, 2017 at 9:50 pm #

        You sound like such an awesome mom, Ann!! You are on your way!!!
        Please don’t beat yourself up about having a negative reaction to clothing or the changes in your child- this happens to most of us! I am happy you hold yourself to a “higher standard” but I hope you will allow yourself your own process in this. And I hope your child will understand that you get to have your own process as well!! We ALL need to be generous and respectful during this journey- it’s different for kids and for parents, but if we expect that reactions will be different, we will each feel supported!

        I had to laugh, Ann, when you said, “I thought I was much more progressive:) Hard to find out ugly truths about yourself.”- that was my experience, too!!
        Hang in there! This WILL become easier!! Keep focusing on the love and the conversation between you and your child!!!

  138. Hirdania January 13, 2017 at 3:58 pm #

    My daughter is 18. She told me that sees her self as a boy. I was almost released since she was fighting depression for more than three years. But then, all questions and guilltiness arosed. I hope this site help me in my journey.

    Reply
    • transmom January 17, 2017 at 9:44 pm #

      I hope my blog is of help, Hirdania!! I want you to know that at first, I felt extremely guilty! I worried that I could have caused my son’s struggle- or if I even caused him to be trans!!! A therapist set me straight right away!! She reassured me that this was my child’s journey- and I could start helping by being supportive to him right away!!
      By myself, I struggled. But with my daughter (now son!), I showed the positive side that was needed! Even though it was often a struggle, I stepped up…I kept thinking that this was NOT about me and how I felt…I found that I actually felt BETTER when I was involved in supporting my child! I read about other families with transgender kids (like you are doing here!!) and I maintained an open dialogue with my (now) son. It helped!! I hope you will be able to do the same!! I hope that you will remember that you are blessed to have a child that feels connected with you enough to share what can feel like such a huge burden!! Embrace your child and let them know they are not alone!!!

      Reply
  139. transmom February 1, 2017 at 8:58 pm #

    Hi Nikki!! You have been handed a whole LOT to come to grips with- my heart goes out to you! It is one thing to be put into the position to suddenly “get on board” – and it is another additional weight to be given this as a demand with no understanding of how difficult and painful for parents this is…and how we, indeed, need to be respected with our need to have our own process around acceptance!! When any of our children- trans, bi, non-binary, etc.- is not willing to be supportive of our journeys, it feels as if we are set up for failure!!

    That’s when we need to reach out to others- and there have been many moms expressing the same as you here- and share in our struggle and our grief in that struggle!!

    Our children- however impatient- are wanting in the worst ways to find acceptance. I believe they are incredibly tired of working so hard against the judgment they face daily, that they can demand too much from us- the source of unconditional love.

    I hope you continue to try to keep open the lines of communication with your child!!!

    Reply
    • Nikki February 2, 2017 at 7:42 am #

      We are trying! We will see how things go. Is there such a thing smaller than baby steps? I had a very rough night with under an hour’s sleep. The most in two week’s of a consecutive stretch was one three hour stretch. Crying unconsoleably for hours is not my thing, yet that is exactly what happened to me.

      I think I made headway in the wee hours this morning encouraging my child to seek out a therapist who specializes in this area being that she has shut down completely with everyone, friends included. I hope she follows through as I am very worried. However, she is a bright, capable person who is just very impulsive and dramatic, which is frequently at odds with her intense need for privacy.

      Having all this going on, plus her having been diagnosed for years as mild ADHD does not help things. I have some family in denial-land and me in touch with my feelings and in the anger/depression stage is challenging to say the least. Plus I was informed she began the legal paperwork for changing her name not even a week after sharing the initial news, which was heartrending to say the least. 😦

      I want to you for your considerate reply. It is a lot of work for you to blog, read all comment threads and formulate such well-considered and personal replies to each of us. It is much appreciated by me, as on no site to date have I found any forums which indicated I would find actual support and empathy.

      P.S. I made a suggestion on the ‘Terms’ page to add ‘non-binary’, as I have found many people had no idea what that meant, even people who consider themselves well-versed in the English language. Thank you.

      Reply
      • transmom February 6, 2017 at 5:38 am #

        Hi Nikki- as it’s been a few days since you wrote, I hope that by now, you have found more sleep and even more acceptance !
        I loved your line, “Is there such a thing smaller than baby steps?” I know in the beginning I felt the same exact way!! I promise: it will get better!

        I appreciate that you pointed out that non-binary was missing on my terminology page- it sure did need updating after 5 years!!! Thank you!

        I can imagine that your daughter sharing that she had begun her formal name change so quickly after telling you of her transition must have also come as a shock! However, I do want you to consider that this may be because this is something that she has struggled with for literally YEARS. So many times our kids just can’t wait to FINALLY become themselves! For some, after having to endure the carrying of the burden of not being able to be authentic- they are almost giddy with the power to change! For us parents who are only new to this journey, it may feel too fast or not well-planned. We must try to put ourselves in their shoes…ask questions to help us understand the “why” behind these actions! Communicating is key during these difficult times!!

        Continued strength and positivity to you and yours, Nikki!!

  140. Me, just me February 1, 2017 at 10:24 pm #

    I’m as confused as you. How can this girl who still wears dresses and bows be telling mes becoming a guy? What do I do with this mother-daughter relationship? I need to remember she is my child. Even as she becomes a son. He will have a tough time transitioning, changing his name, clothing, identity. I guess your children challenge you to love them no matter what. This is that challenge. But I’m still heartbroken to lose my girl. -also she closely resembles my deceased sister. I always loved looking at her pretty face because it was like seeing my sister again. So there’s that loss too.

    Reply
    • transmom February 6, 2017 at 4:13 am #

      Dear Me just me,
      I am here to tell you that you need not worry about your relationship with your child! Love prevails!! I had the same concern as you! I actually told my (now) son (as I cried after he told me about being trans) that I was worried about having a son- after all, I had only been a mother to daughters! What would our relationship be like? I am happy to tell you that I worried for nothing: my son continues to be who he was as my daughter: loving, thoughtful, and generous.

      Of course you are heart-broken: you do not want your child to go through any pain or challenge that they could otherwise avoid! And I can only imagine that losing the visual reminder of your sister must be terribly painful! But you are correct, we are challenged to love our children no matter what- and when we rise to that challenge, our reward is even greater! We connect with them on a deeper level, we feel empowered to become their advocates like never before, and we gain a greater appreciation of them as individuals! Trust what your child tells you- follow their lead- and let love provide the strength to walk by her side!

      Reply
      • Me, just me February 6, 2017 at 12:50 pm #

        Thank you so much for your kind words! When she told me she was suixidal I decided I’d rather have a live trans happy child than the tragic nightmare I envisioned: her taking her life out of depression and despair living in this body she hates.

      • transmom February 7, 2017 at 4:46 am #

        You stepped up when you needed to! Our trans-kids are soooo in danger of turning to suicide!! Surveys report that more than 4% percent the population in the U.S. have self-reported a suicide attempt while 41% of trans or gender non-conforming people surveyed have attempted suicide!! As mothers, we need to come to the same conclusion that you did- our children need to be encouraged to live THEIR dream, not ours!!

      • Sue February 7, 2017 at 10:13 am #

        Thank you. You have put things further into perspective.
        I do accept that my son wants to become a woman and knows that. My problem is me …and how difficult I’m finding it all.
        Your comment is so very right.
        Sue

      • transmom February 10, 2017 at 2:20 am #

        Your are so very much entitled to your feelings and your difficulty with this transition, Sue!
        For what it’s worth, for me, I helped myself keep those feelings in check by reminding myself- as if it was like a mantra:
        “This is not about me. This is what ____ needs. I can do this! It’s going to get better…it already has!!”

        Chant away and remember- you are a loving mom!

  141. Sue February 1, 2017 at 11:14 pm #

    I completely understand where you are coming from! Your feelings aren’t unusual. I’ve just started telling people/friends/neighbours as if it’s all ok …just so that they don’t find out independently. Somehow it makes me feel better.
    Today at lunch I talked about him (now her) and I still call him(her) by the name we gave him(her). My friend said, that her son said, that we should respect his new gender and name. This gave me comfort because it seems that their generation are ok with it. However I have told him(her) that although I accept it, it’s just really difficult for me and my his(her) Dad to simply change what we’ve known for 26 years.
    He(she) says that he(she) just wants to be happy and I accept that, and can see that it’s working he(she) is noticeably happier …but it IS tough on us, really, really, tough. Our dreams are gone …but they were just dreams and there are worse things. I write what I think and email it. He(she) reads everything but doesn’t reply, ignores me really …but at least my feeling come over and I say my piece.
    The best thing, I think, is to see that it’s the same person. Really nothing has changed. He(she) is exactly the same on the inside and (frankly) on the outside. To be honest it doesn’t make sense to me but I’m not in the same shoes. My “child” is 6’3.
    Anyway, at night, I try not to dwell on it as I don’t want to be upset but …he(she) has been invited to a schoolfriend’s wedding as a she …and I’m happy about that.
    I think it’s much easier to accept transgender if it’s not your child. I think if you find out after 22 years, as we did, it’s really difficult.
    I’m rambling but …my daughter is a nightmare and not very nice to me (she isn’t transgender) whereas my son(now daughter) is as lovely as ever. Strangely I think boys are nicer than girls as children and my son(now daughter) is as soft as ever.
    I don’t know if any of that made any sense? The point is that I’m with you. I just keep texting and emailing and meeting occasionally for lunch …because there’s not much I can do about it and who am I to deny happiness, whether I understand or not?
    And ps, I’ve known for 4 years and this is as far as I’ve got …in “my” process that no one has helped me with.
    And this is the only website that I’ve found (recently) where people are the same and lots of people are fine and this gives me hope …and hope for you.
    Xxx

    Reply
    • transmom February 6, 2017 at 4:24 am #

      I am so happy that you have found comfort and support here, Sue! I am relieved to know that your (new) daughter has been patient with your process. But I am going to challenge you now- four years is a LONG time for your child to hear you acknowledge them by their new chosen name!!! This is a matter of respect!! I know very well from my own experience that losing your dreams is painful…but those are YOUR dreams- not hers!! This is why you had a child: for them to grow up and lead a full and happy INDEPENDENT life. In order for your child to do live happily – even though she is 6’3″- she gets to do so and SHOULD do so with your complete blessing and support! The time is here: calling her by the correct pronouns and name are the least you can do!! How can she be respected and successful in the world if her own parents cannot call her by “she”? I know this may sound a bit harsh, but I believe that your daughter has been patient long enough!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! SHE IS WORTH IT!!!

      Reply
      • Sue February 6, 2017 at 1:29 pm #

        Hi, I hear you and I understand however I am dealing with it, albeit slowly. It’s been slow because it’s just the way it’s happening. At first I was told that “I had to understand and go along with it and I was given a leaflet”. But it’s not that easy. I have found it extremely difficult and upsetting. I still cry. It’s just like a bereavement I guess, everyone has to deal with it their own way. I know it’s about my child …but it upsets the parents …it’s such a shock.
        I am very open. I used to get told “it’s not about you!” …but I can’t help it, for me and my husband it’s been really difficult. He feels he’s lost his son. I know that might sound odd but it’s how he feels.
        Anyway we text everyday and have lunch once a week. We communicate really well. I wish I didn’t care so much …it seems much easier when it’s not your child. Most friends seem to thing it’s a curiosity …but I’m treating it as “the norm” and am a very very proud parent, and everyone knows that.
        But, I’m not there yet. I can’t say she yet. I’m 100% better than I was but have another 100% to go. Meanwhile we get on very well, I accept the choice and can see that this means a much happier offspring 🙂
        So it’s all ok.
        However, although I think it’s truly wonderful that you are fully there, I’m not and I understand others who feel this way. Meanwhile I’m moving in the right direction …I’m still finding it a bit tough, that’s all.
        And, although I am completely “live and let live, in any and every sense, we collectively decided not to tell the elderly grandfathers who really don’t understand.
        And thank you,
        Sue

      • transmom February 7, 2017 at 4:53 am #

        You are doing well, Sue! You acknowledge your challenges while keeping the communication open and loving! It doesn’t sound that your husband feels as if he is losing a son…of course he does! His reality is being changed drastically so he gets to feel disappointed and depressed- this is not what he wanted or what he expected! Believe it or not, there will be a time when there are no more tears and when your child comes to mind, you picture HER and you will enjoy her and be happy that she is now happy!! Hang in there- it gets better and better!

      • Sue February 7, 2017 at 10:22 am #

        Thank you. I hope so and I hope it’s soon. I’m still finding it so painful …but I’ll get there. My child is still the same really lovely person.
        I shall make a note to see if I’ve improved in one year from now. Hopefully 🙂
        Thank you.
        Also I haven’t seen him as her yet.

      • transmom February 10, 2017 at 2:21 am #

        Deep breaths before that meeting. Maybe ask her to send a text photo so you have a chance to take that new image in?!! Prepare as much as you can so you can be as positive as possible!
        The best to you!!!

    • Nikki February 8, 2017 at 8:22 am #

      I hope you are doing all right. Seeing other stories is helpful. My 21yo just lopped off her long hair super short. This was apparently the same day she filed papers to legally change her name. I wonder whether she also filed for gender-neutral status and is not being up-front

      My 72yo mom got informed via email when I pleaded with my child not to let the grandparents find out via social media like everyone else. My mom replied immediately with a very supportive email and my child had yet to respond and it has been three weeks. 😢

      From a conversation we had a couple days ago, my child now apparently isn’t doing counseling and isn’t seeking any medical testing. We women have PCOS and if you google PCOS and non-binary (or trans or lesbian or quiet) you get interesting theories.

      My child is still adamant about the name change being used and the they/them/they’re pronoun usage. My compromise (that isn’t acceptable still) is to avoid the given name and instead of pronouns stated, to use ‘our youngest’, ‘our child’, ‘your sibling’, etc.

      I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because apparently even though my child isn’t a fashion maven, there are always more shoes to drop. :\

      My hubby and I are taking things very slowly. He still hasn’t decided how to respond or whether he feels he can comply with the stated desire for the name preferred to be used and the choice of pronouns. They really don’t speak and my child barely speaks to me. I try and keep the lines of communication open.

      I, too, fear suicidal ideology might become attractive to my child and feel overwhelmed, as to do as my child desires is not authentic for me, but if I don’t, will my child harm herself? All I hear is how the parents must subjugate their feelings to embrace the child’s needs.

      I feel as the other gal who posted four years down the road does…I don’t know that I want to give into all the demands, as it isn’t okay to me. Non-binary. Okay. I don’t get it, but okay. Asexual? Again, don’t really get it, but okay. Love or don’t love who you want. Don’t have kids. But pushing me to flip names and pronouns? Now I feel bullied. But we are in the era of PC me to death and we can’t get out of the spiral.

      It isn’t okay to let one team score to high. Everyone apparently deserves an award just for participating. People don’t know how to lose graciously. We are an overly apologetic world. In trying to not label, we now have so many labels everyone is confused. Cis-this, Ace that. Grey A. Seriously? Can’t we just be without feeling a burning need to over-identify everything?

      Watching that National Geographic special on gender with Katie Couric to me was just so extreme. It is like it is uncool not to choose a label. And again, my child’s self-identification was not covered. The term was, but pretty much all the people featured were trans. And how funny that they skated over actual emotions of family/friends finding out and made it like it was all roses and sunshine shooting out of a unicorn’s butt versus the probable reality. The only scenario where the challenge was depicted was an elderly couple where the man told his wife after 45 years of marriage and it took her a year to absorb and after exactly a year she told him, I’m ready…and poof, gender reassignment surgery to transition to female.

      Again, goes to underscore the extreme pressure parents are under to just give in to the inevitable or you are a horrible, unsupportive parent.

      We’ll see how things go, but I am not feeling good about our relationship, as my child keeps things superficial. I had a better week, as I am not going to give into self-pity. I let myself be wallowing in the deep for a week(ish), but I have a life to live and enjoy with my spouse.

      If my child can begin to grow up a bit and find some empathy and be honest then we will see where that takes things, but until then I need a break. 😦

      I feel for the others who posted recently. I can say you will have the lowest lows, and some days get better when you forget for a while. Funny movies, upbeat music and a loving husband have helped me a lot. And I live in hope that my adult child will start relating with me and others again.

      I am sorry if anyone is offended or turned off by my honesty and/or feels like I need to be more empathetic and ‘give in’. I am in this space and may be forever.

      Reply
      • transmom February 10, 2017 at 5:08 am #

        Nikki- please know that no one here expects you to apologize for your opinion or feelings! They are yours!! I applaud your thoughtfulness and honesty!
        It is my goal here that we share our thoughts and experiences to further each of us on our journeys so that we feel heard, understood and valued!

        This is especially important for moms that are even somewhat disconnected to their children!

        I, for one, do not want you to “give in to demands”. Instead, my hope is that through conversation with your child that you are better able to understand why your child is making their requests feel like demands to you!

        As an outsider, I can only say that it is my experience that many young adults going through a transition do similarly: demand/request- to suddenly have to their parents call them by a new name and different pronouns. This frequently comes from a great desire to feel respected. So many of them have swallowed much too long the demand of being someone they are not; going along, trying desperately to fit in and/or being seen as mainstream. Now, they are so done with that, they appear to be coming out in what seems so “in our faces.” They may seem to have little patience with OUR process. I’m suggesting here that there is a reason why this request is presented as a demand. After years of feeleing badly about themselves- really struggling with their idenity (something we NEVER do, by the way) they need proof that they are fully accepted or they are going elsewhere to find acceptance. They are – for the first time- really empowered. And this is accomplished all in the face of a culture that would not accept them. To me, it’s almost as if they HAVE to come across with this intensely, or they will no longer have the power to continue on. I see it as a “take no prisoners” kind of extreme commitment to themselves.

        Again, this is NOT about you or your journey- this is about them surviving what I, for one, would never be able to withstand! Daily intense scrutiny? Folks staring or challenging me when they don’t even know me? Controversy wherever I go? Honestly, I wouldn’t last a day!

        I hope you will allow me to speak to the viewpoint of our children…not because I necessarily defend their behavior during this arduous process called transition- but because I know the alternative for the lack of understanding CAN be complete an utter despair or even suicide.

        Please keep trying to connect and just putting out their that you love them and you are trying!

  142. Ann February 2, 2017 at 1:01 am #

    When you talk about crying all night that was me too. I still struggle as we felt blind sided and our young adult has told us , “What process would you as my parents have?” We still feel shocked and are continually going through a range of emotions. Whatever your emotions are at any given moment, they are the right ones. I have had guilt as I was not able to jump right in with acceptance but am trying to give myself a break and just be okay with whatever emotion comes.

    Reply
    • transmom February 6, 2017 at 4:37 am #

      Absolutely Ann-
      ALL emotions are acceptable!

      We live in a world full of expectations and societal “norms”! Most of us (especially we older moms) have grown up dreaming of having children and then dreaming about what those children “will become”. We put our hearts, souls, and energy, devoting our lives to our children. Therefore, when we learn that OUR expectations are completely off, it sends us reeling! We want to be supportive, but we are conflicted with disappointment and fear.
      For the most part, our kids are surprised by our reactions or they take it personally and are offended. I hope you will explain to your child that this reaction is NOT about them, but instead, about YOU- and that you are continuing to work on becoming more open and knowledgeable!!
      You are a great mom- keep hanging in there!!

      Reply
    • Sue February 6, 2017 at 1:34 pm #

      Thank you so much.

      Reply
    • Nikki February 8, 2017 at 8:28 am #

      My heart goes out to you. I truly understand the chaos of emotions this news evokes for parents. I live in hope at waking up and not feeling this overwhelming grief every day. I am thrilled when even 30 minutes passes where I haven’t thought about our new reality.

      Bless you and good luck at coping. Prop each other up the best you can and give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and for those feeling to change often.

      Hugs!

      Reply
  143. Hayleigh February 5, 2017 at 4:58 pm #

    Today my 8 year old told me he wants to be a girl just out the blue ,I looked shocked at him an said how do you no that you want to be a girl an he said he dreams about it when he goes asleep and also tries his sisters clothes on when she’s out, it’s mad I’m actually looking back on things from when he was younger and each year he seams more feminin , told him he is who he is an to not feel ashamed at all , so were do I go from here ??? When I take him shopping For clothes next And he kicks of over not wanting boys clothes do I let him choose girls clothes?? He’s to young for this and I’m baffled , I dnt wana start buyin him girls things an growing his hair till he’s at an age were he knows for sure that he really is a girl inside, I feel numb as I had a daughter then a son an thought right that’s it my family is complete an now it looks like I’ll have 2 daughters ! I’ll be hiding my makeup an clothes when their older they can buy their own lol , all jokes aside it’s my first day of thinking all kinds an feeling sad that I didn’t realise anything but I hope mums an dads can help me an explain what I’m supposed to do next , thanks x

    Reply
    • transmom February 6, 2017 at 3:59 am #

      Dear Hayleigh,
      It is obvious that you are loving and supportive! Your son is blessed to have you as his mother!
      I hope you will be able to seek medical care for him very soon from a doctor that is experienced in gender issues!

      This is a very important time for your son: he has not yet started puberty. If he can be carefully monitored, he will be able to take hormone blockers at the right time to prevent going through male puberty. Male puberty can be absolutely devastating for “male-to-female” transgender kids! Individuals often feel betrayed by their bodies after puberty- they do not appear on the outside as they see themselves within. Trying to “pass as female” after puberty is very challenging- permanent hair removal is costly, painful and takes a long time. A male voice does not change even when taking female hormones (estrogen) the way in which a female voice changes when taking testosterone (for FTM’s). The male body shape and size is very often hard to fit in women’s clothing. However, with hormone blockers, secondary sex characteristics including facial and body hair, increased height, heavier bone structure, lower voice, etc. do not develop and if given female hormones instead, your son’s outer image will match his expectation for him/herself!
      Those blockers won’t be needed for awhile but you will need to have medical care and counseling along the way.

      Right now, listening to your son- helping him to navigate this change is a huge gift you can give him! If you give your child the opportunity, he will tell you how he prefers to dress, what name he would like to be known as, etc. I encourage you to follow his lead, listen to his concerns and advocate for him in school. Counseling for you, your son, and your family will help each of you cope with the many emotions and challenges that you will face along this journey…I cannot encourage you enough to seek counseling and a support group!
      The best to you and your child!!!

      Reply
  144. Erin February 9, 2017 at 6:50 am #

    I am so glad ive come across this website. Its really comforting to know I can talk, listen, and read what other moms like myself are going through and how they’re handling the same situations as I find myself in. Over the summer, my 11 year old daughter, Sophie, and I discussed how she’s bisexual. Truthfully, I already knew she was gay, but not bi. She had started dressing more tom-boyish, and her hair kept getting shorter, to the pixie/boycut it is now. I thought maybe she just wasn’t a girlie-girl, which hey, I’m not either, but I knew in my heart and mind that she was gay. I think I knew before she did. But now, as of the last few months, she informed me that she identifies as a boy. She wants to be called Tyler, referred to in masculine pronouns, and called son instead of daughter. I have to be honest, I’m not totally sure if I’m okay with this. She was my little girl for so long, now she wants to be my little man. On the outside, I try to oblige her, act as if I’m going to be okay with it, but inside, I’m totally freaking out. I’ve no clue how to handle this. I’m completely cool with being bi/gay, I have friends who are gay, but this trans thing is a whole new ballgame to me. But im trying. I’m trying very, very hard to be accepting. But its extremely difficult when I just don’t understand where she’s coming from. Maybe now that I can read what other moms are dealing with, how they’re dealing with it, i can start to get it, and accept it. I just want to thank all of you for putting yourselves and your situations out there. It makes it a lot easier knowing I’m not alone and I don’t have to bumble along, or walk on eggshells in my own house. Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • transmom February 10, 2017 at 6:12 am #

      You are most welcome, Erin!! Have you found a support group nearby? Finding a therapist and a doctor (both in children’s gender issues) should be number one on your list….your daughter is at a really critical age- just around puberty…and “blockers” may be a huge gif for her if she continues along this path…but only a therapist and doctor can determine along with you if this is where you are going.

      But when it comes to the- oh crap- how do I feel? issues…we have you here! We all struggle with the loss, the expectations, the fears, the desire to do right by our children! Please keep communicating and check out the resources page!!

      Reply
  145. Peni N-M February 13, 2017 at 4:44 pm #

    How do I get to your site? I click on the link but it doesn’t respond.

    Reply
    • transmom February 17, 2017 at 7:06 pm #

      Hi Peni N-M, If you look to the right of my introduction, there is a column of all of my blogs. click on each to read. Below that, there is an “Archive”- if you click on the previous months, you will find all of the previous blog entries. There are many subjects covered so look carefully for what might appeal most to you personally!!! Happy reading!!

      Reply
  146. karen February 21, 2017 at 4:16 pm #

    Hi.. my daughter is in transition to become a man..I am 100% behind him and supportive. Although l am accepting of the whole situation the emotional feelings I am having is overwhelming… I’ve been told it’s like a loss… but wondered how l can get through this..as l really want to be there as a strong parent…rather than one that is falling apart.
    Any advice would be great x x

    Reply
    • transmom February 21, 2017 at 8:27 pm #

      Hi Karen! You are correct! It IS a loss…for us mothers (and fathers), we raise our children with our hopes and dreams for them. We picture our children without problems or worries and want them to be more successful and happy that we. So, when we hear something that we must acknowledge is not mainstream or accepted or appreciated by all, we are, naturally, disappointed, worried, and sad! Many children (young and old alike) can be soooo happy to finally be able to live authentically, so they they do not understand that we parents have our own feelings to experience- our own piece of the transition! Our children may be resentful that we struggle.

      I think one of the most important things you can do is to allow yourself your feelings- perhaps share those with a partner, trusted friends and family, rather than placing those feelings on your child.

      Journaling and writing about your fears and frustrations can be a great way to sort things out and make sense of things. When I was new to my son’s transition, I would be strong during the day and just lose it when I went to bed at night. My head would race and I would cry instead of finding solace in sleep. So I kept a journal by my bedside…I would write whatever it was- no matter how wacky- just to get it out of my head! It helped me to understand that much of what I was worrying about was out of my control and that at least if I could actively try to replace those fears with images of a happy, healthy and fulfilled child, I would be much more productive!

      I also REALLY recommend finding a therapist that is experienced in gender issues! That person can REALLY help you, your child and your family through what can be a roller coaster of a ride! That person can help you remain positive and understand how others might not be as supportive as you would like or expect them to be.

      I hope you will also be able to reach out to your community! You are NOT alone! Find a group of folks also experiencing the same thing….they can be the most helpful in resources nearby such as with doctors, schools, and legal questions!

      Lastly, I hope you will read! There are several sources on my references page on my blog that might be helpful. There are lots and lots of my earlier posts that talk about my experiences that may be helpful. Look to the right of my blog page where you can click on “Recent Posts” and especially “Archives”.

      Good luck to you, Karen- we are here for you, anytime!!

      Reply
    • Me, just me. February 27, 2017 at 3:26 pm #

      It is a loss. Loss of a mother-daughter relationship. How could my little girl, my daughter be disappearing? Will her personality change as she becomes a ‘he’? What will our relationship be like now? I don’t k ow. But as I look back at pictures I see a conflicted person. A masculine girl in dresses looking not quite comfortable, -although an inateky happy child, she never developed teen relationships with boys or girls. She was always with friends but no intimacy. No romance. No going out on dates. I was happy to have her as my friend, my best companion to go out to eat, go to movies with the other siblings all together, ho shopping, talk so easily together for hours. Will that all be gone? I hope not. I hope we will still be close, as a mother-child. Mother- adult child, and since she’s already transitioning, I guess mother-son.

      Reply
      • transmom February 28, 2017 at 2:31 am #

        I hear your fear, Me, just me- and I can totally relate!!
        When my son came out to me, my first reaction was to cry and explain to him that I wasn’t crying for him…I was crying for me! I had never had a son and I worried about if I was going to be an okay mother and if we would remain close!!
        I DO believe that as long as you let your relationship grow (as you would have anyway) and continue to be loving and supportive, your relationship will remain!! In fact, you might even enjoy your son MORE- he will now be at peace with himself and be happy! There is nothing that fills our hearts like seeing our children happy!!

        Take your son out just like you always have- DON’T HOLD BACK!!! Enjoy the movies! Go out to dinner! Take him shopping for something he really will feel comfy in!! After a great mommy-son date like that, I know you will feel sooooo much better!

        That’s your lovable and precious kid in there!!!!…the packaging is a little different: the voice will deepen; the hips will disappear; the face may become more angular, the whiskered jawline more evident with the shorn hair cut and he may cost you more to take out to dinner with his growing appetite!!…but WHO your kid is and all of your history together? That is ALL in tact! The dresses that were so painfully worn and the conflicted girl will be gone; but the very best of your precious child remains!

        Let us know how that shopping trip goes!!! Enjoy!!

  147. Cinderella Riem March 1, 2017 at 5:48 pm #

    My 21 year old son has secretly gone to the Dr to start treatments. I found out when I saw a paper from the Dr in his desk. I don’t know what to do. He has never lived on his own, never gone to college, he can’t even remember to take out the trash or brush his teeth. Yet I’m suppose to just accept it according to my daughter. I’m having a really hard time with this, as it was just yesterday I found out. I have no idea how his step father will react, and I don’t want anyone to make any rash actions because of this. My daughter told me I just don’t get it, when I asked why my son wanted to do this. I do get it, but as a parent am I not allowed to be afraid and concerned!?

    Reply
    • Sue March 1, 2017 at 9:22 pm #

      Hi, you’re not alone. Please accept this virtual hug. Our son told us aged 22 …it was a total shock.
      I’m still very upset, after 4 years, but we get on well. He’s the same person. He said he just wants to be happy, how can we deny him that?
      I worry about his future …and I’m still upset daily but I think it’s getting better. I still wish it wasn’t happening. He’s just about to start talking the hormones so that he will become she. I worry so much for the future. She will be 6’3.
      And I’m worried about seeing her for the first time. I’m truly hoping it’ll be olk.
      Basically I think I’m saying that you’re not alone. This site makes me feel better. We’re not alone. You’re not alone.
      Most people here are further along than me and happier …which gives me hope.
      And your daughter is wonderful. The future will be brighter I think.
      Best wishes,
      Sue.

      Reply
      • transmom March 1, 2017 at 9:28 pm #

        Thanks, Sue! I can hear how you are progressing and becoming more accepting during your journey! You are starting to refer to her with female pronouns! Go Sue!!
        Of course you are worried though! This is scary stuff! Once you get used to seeing your “new” daughter, though and you see how content she is, your daily fears will fade. Has she sent or texted you any pictures? Can you “Face Time” or Skype? These all might be good choices in leading up to your first visit!!
        Continued good luck to you! We are here cheering you on!!! Hugs!

      • Me, just me. March 3, 2017 at 1:50 pm #

        I feel for you. You’re concerned for a 6’3″ daughter to be, I’m concerned for a 5’1″ son to be. I’m still trying (with great difficulty) to wrap my head around this decision. I’m struggling so please someone help me understand. The only way I can try is to think of it this way: she has a mind in which she sees a future self as a man and yearns for that for some reason. It will still be my child, I keep reminding myself of that. I just hope no one thinks this is funny or a joke because there’s absolutely nothing funny about this. It’s torture for all involved.

      • transmom March 4, 2017 at 2:27 am #

        Me, Just Me, You are right- this is not funny, nor for those who are not up for a drawn out challenge! And this goes for our trans kids, too- not just we parents! This is HARD!!

        Our kids are “wired” so that they identify as the opposite gender, or somewhere in between. Sometimes their identities are flexible and changing!

        If your daughter would have realized this earlier on and had used hormone suppressors (medications used to inhibit puberty), perhaps she would have grown taller and would appear more as the man she now desires to become. But having gone through puberty as a female, my daughter, like yours, did not end up being what has been internally expressed. But I have to tell you, now that my son has been taking testosterone for several years, you would NEVER know that my kid is trans!!
        Best of all, my son is HAPPY!! He is content with how he feels and how he presents himself to the world! He is healthy and enjoys a loving relationship! He is a productive and involved member of his community. What more can this mom want..ummm…NOTHING!!!!
        I hope your daughter’s transition will find you saying the same in time- just give it time, patience and love!! You will get there!!!

      • Sue March 4, 2017 at 8:12 am #

        I understand completely. Your worries are the same as mine. 6’3 men stand out regardless, I truly wish he was shorter. A 6’3 woman is very unusual, and there’s nothing feminine about him, so I’m very worried. My only solace is that he is the same person, same personality. He starts taking the drugs soon but I know his personality won’t change when he becomes she. We communicate and meet fortnightly. He knows how I feel and my worries. However I can’t deny him happiness, j just hope it works and he is happy as a woman, especially as he will become infertile. Sadly no grandchildren. I think, I don’t know, but it’s ok the other way round?
        My friend has a daughter, now a son. She doesn’t see him much as he lives in Canada so she doesn’t feel any strong emotion on a regular basis …but her now son is happy and working, and not very tall, about 5’4.
        Not sure any of what I’ve written helps? …just hoping it helps that you’re not alone. I’ve yet to meet my son as a woman …and I’m worried, for me and how upset I’m going to be. It’s hard to get over …but it’s getting better, so I hoping it’ll all be ok.
        Best wishes and more hugs,
        Sue.

      • Beth March 7, 2017 at 3:41 pm #

        Sue, I hope your experience seeing your daughter for the first time is a lot like mine. We met for lunch at a local restaurant. She wore a long skirt, a pretty blouse, and soft makeup. She also had an inner glow I hadn’t seen before that day. She was happy. My 19 year-old, 6 foot tall, sad, depressed son was finally happy. I’ll never forget that moment! Yes, it’s been hard in many ways, and there are still obstacles to overcome, but my now 21 year-old daughter is happy. The constant effort to be “one of the guys” is no longer draining her.

        My suggestion to you is to approach your first meeting with your daughter as an opportunity to meet someone new, someone you connect with as if you’ve known each other for years. Like any new relationship, you will need to get to know each other better, but it will have a solid foundation on which to build. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

      • transmom March 13, 2017 at 2:31 am #

        What a lovely heartfelt note, Beth! Thanks so much for reaching out! It is incredibly encouraging for us moms to hear from others that have successfully reached out to our children during what can be a difficult time! Your respect and love for your daughter is so evident!! Continued best to you and she!!

      • Sue March 14, 2017 at 11:00 pm #

        Thank you so much. I hope so. We met for dinner today. He still doesn’t have his hormones. He (she to be) is a little different altogether, very bright in a boffin type way, very black and white, probably on the so called “autistic spectrum” but really lovely. I do hope it’ll be ok. I do worry …but he (she to be ) is very lovely, fingers crossed.
        Thank you so so so much xx

      • transmom March 15, 2017 at 1:08 am #

        Let us know how it goes, Sue!!

      • Beth March 15, 2017 at 5:19 am #

        You are quite welcome! Don’t hesitate to reach out if I can be of any help!

    • transmom March 1, 2017 at 9:22 pm #

      Of Course you are “allowed” to be afraid, concerned or have any reactions!! This is shocking news to you and you will have your own process with coming to grips with your child’s new expression of self!
      Every family works differently and reacts differently, but you are correct, it is best if everyone can take a deep breath and respond rationally. Since your son lives with you, I believe it is fair for you to let him know that you want to sit with him privately to hear about what is going on, what his plans are, and how he feels. Find a time when you will not be interrupted and that there is enough time to process. I recommend starting by just simply asking him to “fill you in” on what’s happening with him…JUST LISTEN!!! LET HIM TALK-EVEN IF HE IS ACCUSATORY!! REMAIN CALM AND TRY VERY HARD NOT TO BE JUDGMENTAL!! Until he feels comfortable in sharing, he won’t be able to tell you why he has kept this a secret. Until he feels safe, he won’t be honest.

      Lots of kids these days want to “blame” everyone around them for their own issues…try not to become trapped if that comes up….you can always say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That was never our intention. Your are an adult now, so going forward, what is your plan?

      After he shares what his feelings are, then ask him to give you some time to share what your feelings are. Try very hard to make these statements, “I statements”…they are YOUR feelings. You can share things like, “I want you to know that I love you, but I am having a really hard time with this!” or, “I am really trying here, but this will take me some time as I need to go through my own process. You have been thinking about this for a long time, but this has taken me completely off guard. I ask you for patience.”

      This is kind of a fact-finding first talk- don’t be disappointed if questions go unanswered or this isn’t a plan to go forward yet. TRANSITION and DECISIONS take time!!

      Some things to consider are if he is open to counseling. What supports (other than you) does he have?

      The very best to you as you move forward!!!

      Reply
  148. Debra March 3, 2017 at 1:41 pm #

    My 17 year old son has just told me he wants to be a girl. I found out a year ago he was gay and supported that. However, the past year he has been buying makeup, girls clothes and in the privacy of his room he experiments. I thought it was just a phase and it will pass. He is always crying, seems unhappy and I have him in counseloring. His dad and I are divorced and my son and i live with my boyfriend and his older kids. His dad fought me for shared custody 8 years ago and got it but my 17 year old lives with me full time. I do not get any emotional support from his dad and feel alone. My boyfriend only knows that he is insecure in his own skin but feels that he is too young to make a decision and should wait until he graduates and more mature. I am lost and at this point in my life (55) trying to work, save money, do things I enjoy. I am not a selfish person at all but guess I think this is a phase and will pass or just want him to wait until he graduates and moves on. Any advice will help. I am going to a group next week for parents of TG and he is also going to one with kids. It’s a start! I just worry because he wants to start hormones, go to school next year as a new person but I worry about bullying or worse. That is my reason why I think he should wait until he is more mature to handle this. I really could use some expert advice for mom’s going through this. He was also talking about home school however that is expensive! I am a single mom, gave up a career to be a stay at home mom for 15 years, I don’t make a lot of money, got screwed through the court system in a horrible divorce, corrupt judge due to being married to a well known family. I have just about had it. Finally happy and this hits me…. thanks for any advice and sorry for going on and on but I have been through so much.

    Reply
    • transmom March 4, 2017 at 2:13 am #

      You HAVE been through a LOT, Debra! And as a once single mom, I get the stress and, frankly, being overwhelmed- I even get being screwed over in a divorce and left with my finances in ruin! I hear you!!!

      I am DELIGHTED that you both will be attending a support group!! With that said, I want you to be prepared: We all “hope” this is a phase and that it will magically disappear in time. You will hear parents of three year olds express this as well as the parents of adult trans kids. And while you might leave the parent meeting more freaked out; your kid is likely to leave on a HUGE high!! This may be the first time they are ever able to feel open and honest about who they REALLY feel they are!!

      My kid, too, came out as gay initially. That was easy for me to accept. I knew lots of gay folks- several who are incredibly close friends. I “got” gay. But forget about Transgender-What the hell?! I didn’t know any transgender folks except having heard of Christine Jorgenson and Renee Richards!! I spent a lot of time hoping my daughter would change her mind and somehow realize that being gay was “enough”. Ummm- No. Genrally, by the time we hear about it as parents, this is not something that anyone “outgrows”.

      What I learned that is usually true for children as well as adults that finally come out is, they know their own truth, their own identity LONG before we that love them understand or are willing to accept this!

      I hope you will, #1, listen to your child. He needs to feel he is being taken seriously and he needs to feel supported. No, you don’t have to rush out and into transition…but please do not ignore him either! (Our kids are at crazy risk for suicide and serious depression!) Seek medical support from a doctor with experience with trans kids and, even if you can only afford it initially, take your child to a therapist to confirm this is your child’s path. Much of this is now covered by insurance with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.

      I know how hard this is! But believe me, whatever you are feeling, just imagine the fear your child is enduring! Everyone wants to feel accepted and loved…especially when you are an adolescent and everyone in your world seems to be standing in judgement!

      You are an excellent mom- hang in there!! Your child’s well being and future is worth your present anguish and fear. Just like your divorce- I promise you- there will be another, better day for this, too!!!

      Reply
  149. Dina Riley March 7, 2017 at 10:59 pm #

    My son just told me he wants to be a woman. I need support. I’m in the Tampa area.

    Reply
    • transmom March 13, 2017 at 2:54 am #

      Hi Dina! This can be a challenging time for us parents that have not had any experience with transitions! I knew no one that was a parent of a trans kid and had not known any transgender folks. But here I am 5 years out and all is well!
      A lot depends upon the age of your son. If he is an adult, he has likely thought a great deal about this over time!! I would talk to him about what his expectations are- is transition something he has researched? If he hasn’t made steps to do so, I believe having him see a physician with gender expertise is key as is seeing a therapist that is specialized in this area! Honestly, I got as much out of seeing the therapist privately as my son did- different experiences entirely! My hope for you is to additionally locate a family support group- one in which he can attend with folks his age while you meet with the parents. If he’s not interested, please search out a group for yourself! Parents in your area can be great resources in helping you locate qualified medical assistance! Have you checked with a local LGBT Center? They have all kinds of resources that will be supportive!! Meanwhile, if you haven’t already, please check out my different blog entries – lots of past postings to read (see months to the right side of page) and links to supports and resources on top!! Reading what other moms have posted is also very encouraging!!

      The very best to you and your child! Keep being supportive and listening!!!

      Reply
  150. Connie Dellinger March 14, 2017 at 8:49 pm #

    I would really appreciate knowing where to begin. I am supportive of what my 32-year-old son chooses. However, my emotions are all over the place. I think I need to support myself before I can give him the kind of support I want to . Any suggestions about where to start would be appreciated. Thank you

    Reply
    • transmom March 15, 2017 at 1:07 am #

      Agreed, Connie! You are only as “good” to others as you are “good” to yourself! When you have an adult son, you have experienced a lifetime of another reality. Sometimes this means you have been able to believe your dreams for him could continue to be a reality. This is a lot to digest after so many years!! “Where you want to be” emotionally needs to give some time to “where you are”!

      1) Reach out! Ohh- you are already on your way!! Good job!!
      2) I hope you will actively search for a therapist in your area, particularly one experienced in gender issues!! Believe me, it helps to hear a professional reassure you that you didn’t cause this, etc. It’s great to get strategies for the sometimes (often?!) rocky emotional road ahead!
      3) Actively search for a support group in your area! Even though I am in LA, it took me awhile (5 years ago) to find such a group! But talking to folks that are going through the same- well, it’s priceless!
      4) Read! There are several suggestions on my References list at the top of my home page and others on Amazon! Please look at my past blogs (to the right of the home page) as well!
      Great good luck to you, Connie- You son is so blessed to have you in his corner!!

      Reply
      • Connie March 21, 2017 at 9:47 pm #

        Thank you very much for your suggestions and comments AND especially for being here!! I will read your References list and at past blogs. I will check out a support group(s) here in Denver. My son currently lives in Seattle. I have also found some Ted Talks and UTube videos that have been helpful. As soon as I get through the “grief” process of losing a son after 32 years, I hope to be able to address questions from many friends/family who ask: So, how are the kids doing? And somehow be able to respond in an authentic way around my son/now “they.” The pronoun thing is especially difficult for a former English teacher — but minor problem. Thank you very much.

      • transmom March 23, 2017 at 5:01 am #

        SWEET! I was just online looking for some info in Colorado for another mom. Check out:

        http://glbtcolorado.org/transgender/

        and here is a FABULOUS guide for your “kid” in Seattle:

      • Sue D. March 23, 2017 at 2:27 pm #

        My son is almost 30 and told me about two months ago that he is trans. He hasn’t started hormones yet, but will soon. I am struggling with the pronoun thing and how to answer how my son is doing as well. I love and support him. He has always been different than other boys, and although he was never exactly feminine, his best friends were always girls, and he’s still attracted to girls. I knew the day he was born and the Dr laid him on me with the umbilical cord still attached that THIS one would need MORE of my love and more understanding. Call it intuition, but in knew! I have an older daughter and a younger son too. My trans son/soon to be daughter lives in Boulder County Colorado and I’m in California for now. I have not found a support group yet. The hardest thing for me is calling him a different name. I have a nick name that I have called him ever since he was little. His Daddy always called him that ( he died in 2001 of cancer when my son was 13.) I hope he will continue to let me call him that name. It is a form of his given name. I haven’t asked him yet, but now I don’t call him anything, and that doesn’t seem right either. He told me during our first conversation about this that as long as he knew I was “trying,” it was ok. He also said he never worried about me not loving him. He knew I’d be there for him no matter what. He’s right of course, but the pronoun thing still remains. I remarried after my sons father died and my current husband is very supportive. His older brother was gay and died of AIDS in the 80s, so he understands a lot of the issues. We will move to Colorado after my husbands parents ( they live nearby us) are gone. They are 90 and 91! I think it will help a lot to be near him ( my daughter is also in the Denver area, and my younger son wants to go too.) I’ve told almost no one here in California because I fear judgement that I’m not ready for, and I don’t want any pity! I can tell my son is more himself since his coming out than he’s been in a long time. My daughter sees him regularly and agrees. He has Tourette Syndrome and OCD as well. His social life as a child and teen was almost non existent. He had a live in girl friend who he still lives with, but I think they are just roommates now. He tried SO hard to be “normal” They were even engaged for awhile, but he became someone none of us recognized.
        I’m rambling now. So much to process. My love for him is forever! We have been through so much, it is impossible for me to un-love him. I’m grateful he’s sure of that, although there is still so much more to process. If anyone has gotten this far into my rambling mess here, thank you for listening. The jumble on the page matches the jumble in my head these days!

      • transmom March 26, 2017 at 9:34 pm #

        I love your “rambling mess”, Sue! It’s all a rambling process!! The pronoun thing is REALLY hard….ESPECIALLY when you have been practicing something else for THIRTY years!!! Trust me though, one day you will look back and find that it has all set in and you are no longer struggling!! BTW, it’s harder to change pronouns when you aren’t “forced” to use the correct ones (when you see/talk to them often)…so talk lots at home and practice starting now 🙂
        Where in CA are you? Perhaps I can help you find a group!! Meanwhile, know that you are blessed with a child that trusts you and loves you! Keep talking at home, read as much as you can, listen to podcasts, etc…these will help you feel better about beginning to share little by little. Baby steps!! Check out my Resources list!!

  151. Maggie March 17, 2017 at 2:09 am #

    My son is 21. He is extremely smart and talented and we are very close but he only just recently told me he was transgender. I’ve always known he was different but I guess I just ignored the signs.

    I have always been supportive and understanding with him but I find myself struggling with this. I told him how I feel but I also told him that his happiness, above all else, is what is most important to me. I just expressed to him that this is difficult for me as I know it is for him.

    It has pretty much been just the two of us. His dad has not been in the picture…and now I thank God that he isn’t because he is the type of person that would make this very difficult.

    I want to help my son in every way I can and I love him unconditionally but this is still weighing heavily on my heart! I feel guilty that I am making this my problem when he is the one struggling and in desperate need of my support! I don’t know who to talk to about how I’m feeling. I worry about how my family will react because I don’t want them to treat him differently! He even told me last night, “I’m still me…only my outer appearance has changed.” And he is so right! He is still the loving amazing child I raised and always will be! I just need to find a way to make this transition for him as easy as possible!

    I guess I just need support and guidance so I can help him in his journey and not make this any harder for him than it already is.

    Reply
    • Sue March 20, 2017 at 4:20 pm #

      Hello,
      I’m exactly where you are with the same thoughts and “heavy on my heart” rings true.
      My super clever (reading at 18 months) son, to be daughter, is 26.
      You will find that this site is lovely and people here will help, as they’re helping me. You’re not alone xx

      Reply
      • Maggie March 20, 2017 at 5:13 pm #

        Thank you so much! My son is also extremely brilliant and talented. He taught himself to read around the age of 3. He is gifted in so many ways and I want to be as supportive as I can. I’m so happy that he finally told me so that I can be there for him every step along the way.

    • transmom March 20, 2017 at 4:28 pm #

      Hi Maggie!
      I applaud you! Even though it’s just the to of you and you worry about family acceptance, you remain steadfast in your commitment to him!!

      You are not alone in your struggle to take in this news and decide how to proceed! Most people in this country do not even know a transgender person personally, so it is impossible for us to know how to help our children navigate this new journey!!

      I’m not sure where you are located, but most cities have LGBT centers. Those can be your first place to check for support groups near you, and well as counselor recommendations. It’s critical that YOU feel connected to people during this time…connected to other people that are experiencing or have gone through similar experiences! Reading as much information as you can about transgender issues and experiences will also be helpful! Check out my Resources link at the top of my blog intro page!

      I also suggest that you take time to write down all the questions and concerns you have. Then, make a “date” with your son so that you have open-ended, face-to-face time to discuss. Thank him for sharing this news with you- you know that having to do that could not have been easy! How does he think you can be of the best support? Has he seen a doctor about hormone therapy? Is he considering surgery? Has he received any counseling?

      Perhaps most importantly, let your son know you are educating yourself so that you can be of support. You can let him know that having open, ongoing, and consistent communication will be key for YOU as you try to be there for him. Reminding him of your unconditional love for him is key! I know this will mean the world to him!

      Please keep me posted! I am happy to help in any way that I can!!! If you can’t find other moms to talk with, I can connect you to someone who has traveled this road!

      Reply
      • Maggie March 20, 2017 at 5:07 pm #

        Thank you! I’m gradually processing all of this information….but my brain is on overload! It has been a week since he told me and I’ve had trouble sleeping but last night I actually slept through the night.

        I have been educating myself as much as humanly possible! When he was 6 he was diagnosed with Aspergers. After that I think I bought every book they had in stock at Barnes and Noble and tore through every one until I became an expert. I am sure I will do the same now.

        He spent the night with me one night last week and we had a really good talk. As of right now he is not considering surgery but has checked into hormone therapy. That concerns me a little because of health reasons but I will support him and find a doctor to help him if that’s the route he wants to go.

        We live in a fairly small town in Texas so I’m not sure what support groups we have if any…but Dallas is only a couple of hours away so I’m sure they will have plenty of of groups and doctors.

        My son is an amazing artist and is majoring in art with a specialty in graphics and game design so most likely he will be moving to a bigger city once he graduates which should be much easier for him to be himself…or herself now…:/

        Thank you again so much! You give me hope! 🙂

      • transmom March 20, 2017 at 5:40 pm #

        It’s interesting to hear about your son! It is so wonderful that he is bright and talented!! With your emotional support, I know he will do well!!

    • UKmom April 2, 2017 at 12:41 pm #

      Hi Maggie,

      I found the site while looking for help yesterday and read the posts, your situation is very like mine, my son is 25, but I found out by accident, he left some amazon parcel wrappers on his bedroom floor and i saw them while getting the hairdryer from him room, it was for a bra and pants set and a dress, later in the day another parcel came for him and I confess i opened it and it was for breast enlargement tablets.

      He has aspergers and works in the computer game industry, he is very bright, clever but has always been a quiet boy, he hides away in his room all day, there were no signs, he does Judo and is a brown belt, he recently stopped having his hair cut and when i mentioned it he just shrugged his shoulders, he is also shaving every day whereas before he had a stubble look.
      I spoke to him when he came home from work friday, i said i had seen the wrapper, I’ve explained that i love him unconditionally and just want him to be happy, he says he isn’t sure yet, and has no desire to change his name as its Alex it can be used for either gender anyway, although further down the road i think that would cause me more issues as ‘Alex’ is my boy and I will miss him so much.

      He has told one friend and was actually texting his friend as i tried to talk to him telling him i knew, he isn’t one to talk about feelings etc, i feel if he is taking the tablets and growing his hair to make physical changes then he is sure and has already decided.
      he doesnt want to speak to anyone or want anyone to know, i sent him an email yesterday afternoon explaining that it was good that he had a friend to talk to but that as he isn’t talking to me i have no one and this is confusing for me and I’m sad that i might be losing my lovely son. i sent him a link to a group near us and told him he could contact them rather than see a GP when he is ready too and that i would leave it to him to decide when he is ready to talk to me.

      I went shopping today and nearly broke down in the shops, I’m scared for him, how his already small circle of friends will react, his work and his future and I’m so scared of losing my lovely boy, he has an older sister who as always said she thinks he is gay, he has shown no interest in girls. She would probably prefer him gay to transgender but i don’t know how she will react.

      I am holding a secret he didn’t want me to know, and its so hard.

      Reply
      • transmom April 2, 2017 at 6:33 pm #

        Hi UK Mom! I am happy you reach ed out to Maggie here, but also that you message will be read by other moms that can relate! Holding a secret is never easy on our souls, so I hope you try to journal about it or speak to a counselor about that.
        I want you to know that early on, I thought to myself, “Why can’t my kid just be gay?! “. UK Mom, they are not at all the same: Being transgender involves one’s IDENTITY vs. being gay involves one’s SEXUALITY. For example, as a female, my daughter was considered gay (she was attracted to other women) but when she transitioned to become male, suddenly he was no longer gay..as his attraction to females continued. With his female partner, he now magically appears to be heterosexual!
        It sounds like your son is still at the beginning stages of his new identity. You have already done an amazing job of lending support and demonstrating your unwavering love! I hope you, too, will find a support group to help you though this process!!
        Hugs to you!!

      • Maghie April 2, 2017 at 9:31 pm #

        I found out by accident as well. My son moved out a few months ago. I went by his apartment for a visit one day and while we were talking I put my hand on his shoulder and felt a bra strap. He was wearing a thick sweatshirt so I would not have noticed otherwise. Then I began asking questions and we had a talk. He told me that he was not prepared for this talk….but of course…neither was I! It is very difficult to take in and wrap my head around it all!

        He started growing his hair out several years ago and now it’s longer than mine. He has always hated his body hair and has been shaving his legs and underarms for quite some time. But still, I didn’t think much of it…just assumed it had something to do with his Aspergers. Now I realize there were signs staring me in the face but I just didn’t see them! How could I!? That’s not even a thought that crossed my mind! It does sound like we have a lot in common. If you want to contact me directly I’m perfectly fine with that…if there is a way for us to do that? Either way, feel free to contact me anytime! It definitely helps to have an ear to bend! Hang in there!

        Hugs!

        Mags

      • transmom April 12, 2017 at 5:39 pm #

        Hi Maghie! I bet if you and the other mom you have connected to on this site want to connect, you can do so through me on FB! I have a FB page with the same name as this blog: Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children. Leave me a private message with your email and hopefully, the other mom will too!!

  152. Sue D. March 26, 2017 at 10:50 pm #

    I live in Fresno

    Reply
  153. Theo Knudsen March 28, 2017 at 6:59 pm #

    My baby just told me a few months ago. For him it hit him in study hall. His school shortly later trumped up reasons to expel him. I’m scrambling to figure out what I should be doing for him. One Dr passes me off to another, same with psych. I’ve found one that specializes in transgender youth, so I’m cautiously optimistic. I think what’s very telling about how little of a priority our transgendered children are is the accolades I get. I’ve done very little because I have no idea what I’m doing. Not rejecting your child when he explains something vital about himself is not mother of the year material in my book. Thank you so much for reaching out to parents. It’s terrifying to be alone with this.

    Reply
    • transmom March 30, 2017 at 4:30 pm #

      Hi Theo! I am so sorry that you are not finding support in being able to support your child…it is more than often, a scary and difficult journey! For parents as well as their precious children!! Hang in there! I don’t need to tell you that your efforts for your kid are worth it: you are already being an excellent advocate! Please look to your local LGBT centers and PFLAG groups to find additional supports!!

      Reply
  154. Lisa April 3, 2017 at 12:16 am #

    I live in mount Sinai New York can you please. Help me find a mom that is going though the same thing that I’m going throw thank you from a mom from New York Lisa

    Reply
  155. Loretta Tandolpj-Windsor April 16, 2017 at 8:47 pm #

    I’m grieving the “DEATH” of my transgendered daughter. II am needing help dealing. With the anxiety and nightmares of her in terrorsome places. The Tragic emotion are real to me, She’s gone, missing, a cold case file. And the replacement, IS an imposter, at best. Name change is a Hit in the face to Me. I have
    no one to talk to but my newlywed husband.

    Reply
    • transmom April 17, 2017 at 9:37 pm #

      I’m sorry that you are struggling so, Loretta. Please know that you are not alone- lots of parents feel as you do.
      I sincerely hope that you will take the time to read what other parents have written here on my blog…not just me…but others that have struggled just like you! You will find that parents that have struggled now know that your child as you knew them IS completely DIFFERENT but not DEAD!! This is critical for us parents to begin to understand and accept this! Not only is important- CRITICAL- for you, but for your child and your relationship with them!
      As parents, we expect to give a name to our child that they will choose to keep. However, reality is that when we do that, there are no rules that bind our children to OUR name choice. They are their own individual selves. They grow into the person they become based upon their preferences and their own experiences! Those live choices are THEIRS to define.
      I know may of us as mothers expect our kids to develop a certain way, but we are bound to experience loss and disappointment if we do not want our children to be individuals!
      I am not saying this is easy to accept. Is can be difficult and painful. I’m not saying it happen quickly. For most parents, this is a process and needs time!
      What I am saying, it that -whatever it takes (individual or family counseling, reading, talking to other parents, journaling, etc), for you to feel healthy and to enjoy a healthy loving relationship with your child, you as a mother will need to “get of your own way”. You will need to choose unconditional love over your disappointment! You will need to choose acceptance and tolerance over fear and judgement.
      The very best to you, Loretta!

      Reply
      • Connie April 18, 2017 at 8:46 pm #

        Thank you for your response to Loretta. It is/was helpful to me as well. I have tried to find a trans-parent (Mom) group in the Denver area, with no luck so far. I want to choose acceptance and tolerance over my fear–some days are better than others. I think I need to deal with my own intense GRIEF before I can have an open heart — I am hopeful that I will stop feeling so sick, depressed, ashamed and the outbursts of crying will stop soon. Thank you for being here.

      • transmom April 23, 2017 at 10:04 pm #

        Connie, I promise these intense feelings will diminish over time! It can be a lot to take in and accept. I appreciate your honesty- admitting to being ashamed is not easy- but it is very real! Most of our families and friends do not know anyone personally that is trans so that can make us feel on the outside and somehow, “wrong”. But the truth is, everyone has SOMETHING…no life goes unscathed. Try not to judge this struggle of yours against others. Try, instead, to think of this as your child’s journey- one in which you have been honored to witness and to be a participant. Your child is healthy and they are on their way to feeling more fulfilled and content! I hope, in time, your focus will become that very journey! My best to you!

    • Sue April 18, 2017 at 7:34 am #

      Hi,
      I know exactly how you feel! However my brother said to me “To really lose your child is a lot worse!” …and I remember that.
      This is all about me but I think this website is fantastic and it’s where we can say how we feel.
      I have few people to talk to as if I say anything I’m either “advised” or a subject of curiosity. No one understands what it’s like to be the mother of an only son who will no longer have children etc. I think it’s right to “grieve”.
      But …we talk. I cry. He is such a tall handsome man (at the moment). He promises it isn’t because of anything I’ve done (which I think is an natural concern initially. He is still the lovely human he always was …but I have yet to see him as female or use his new name ….which is an unusual name.
      I think that now that I realise I can’t prevent it happening I’m feeling better. I still cry. He doesn’t seem unhappy. He said that he wanted to be happy so how can I deny him that. I think I just worry, especially with other people’s attitudes. I worry for his safety.
      We have decided not to tell his elderly grandparents, there’s no need to.
      I’m being very honest.
      Anyway after all that …the positive thing is that my child is the same person on the inside …so really everything is the same. I think I will never understand why he’s doing this when he has everything at his fingertips now. He read fluently before he was two …he has 2 top class degrees.
      But …who am I do deny anyone happiness. It’s changed my attitudes towards others in a positive way.
      Also, and you may not have got this far 🙂 …one day a friend criticised him and I felt an outpouring of motherly love and defence ….I still love my child and always will …which is the bottom line.
      Very best wishes, good luck, I think it’s a journey and you’re not alone.
      Sue.

      Reply
      • transmom April 23, 2017 at 10:21 pm #

        Thanks for sharing, Sue! It is key that we as parents know we are not alone in this struggle. You are correct, most parents worry that it is something they have done-or failed to do- that has somehow “caused” our children to be transgender. The truth couldn’t be farther from the truth! As my therapist said, “You really aren’t all that powerful!!”
        You are right, Sue…we are lucky: our children are alive and well and are able to make decisions in their lives. They are choosing happiness and contentment!
        I hope you find continued growth and understanding on this journey!!

    • Lindsay S April 25, 2017 at 2:16 pm #

      I hear you. I feel your pain. This transition, which I really feel in my child’s case was encouraged by his “friends” has been an utter disaster. My son who wants to be a daughter has been in and out of inpatient psychiatric facilities since starting hormones. Has lost a promising career because they became obnoxious demanding that everyone MUST accept them, MUST get the pronouns right. Has filed two lawsuits against doctors who dared to suggest that there are other issues that might be causing these feelings. I have lost my son, and gained a sick, unemployed adult offspring who is on the verge of homelessness. I lost a sweet, brilliant son and now am dealing with a belligerent, entitled selfish person. We need balance. We need support for the truly transgender. But also need to be able to say that there can be serious psychiatric issues that can present as transgender. We need to stop the shaming of people who say that sometimes it is a mental illness, and we need research to identify how often that is the case, and how often it is a genuine screwup in expressed biology. We need support for parents who have kids who are genuinely transgender, as well as support for parents whose kids are mentally ill and it is manifesting in part as transgender. There is no one size fits all here, and we need to acknowledge both and support struggling parents in both situations.

      Reply
      • transmom April 26, 2017 at 3:58 am #

        Lindsay, I am so sorry to hear your pain and of your continued struggle to support your child. Since there is no “blood test” to diagnose someone as transgender, it is not an exact science. Of course there are going to be individuals with conflicting issues and multiple diagnoses which make treatment for them extremely difficult! Each individual SHOULD receive treatment that follows a Standard of Care- from diagnosis from a psychiatrist to referrals to medical doctors for transition. As parents, we can only hope that our children will listen to the psychiatrists and physicians that offer their medical knowledge and guidance rather than follow friends’ advice!

        You are correct, Lindsay, we need to support ALL of our parents through their individual journeys with transitioning children!

  156. Hairfetish669 April 18, 2017 at 6:01 pm #

    My child came out a few years ago as transgender. Originally I had thought I was lucky to have both a daughter and a son. I had thought my daughter was a tomboy, and really never thought that she was having gender identity issues. When I was told that she was really a he in the wrong body, I didn’t really understand. Unfortunately I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. I just thought it was perhaps a faze. That was about 4 years ago. Now I get it, my oldest child is a boy, not a girl. I never stopped loving my son. I just had no idea how traumatic this was for him. Not all of our family is supportive. But the most important ones are. I’m scared about someone hurting my baby because he’s different. He is the sweetest person, so nonjudgemental. Really the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. He’s worried about never being able to afford the surgeries necessary to feel complete. I don’t have a way to help financially, I’m broke as Hell.
    This year we went to Pride for the first time. It was so beautiful!!! To be surrounded by so much love and acceptance!! Both my son and I were affected to the point of tears. We had also brought my younger son, who had previously had some rather bigoted views. But he has definitely become more accepting, and we all had a wonderful time!! It’s something I wish we could do more often.
    My older son is now almost 19, my youngest is almost 16. I am lucky to have two sons!! I didn’t need to morn the loss of my daughter. Because they are the same inside, it’s just the outside that he wants to change. I’m just scared of how ugly the world can be sometimes. I want him to be safe and to feel whole. When people say hurtful things to him I want to hurt people. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. There is nothing that could happen that could make me love my child any less. I want to protect my baby and find support in our area. We’re in Phoenix, AZ.

    Reply
    • transmom April 23, 2017 at 10:14 pm #

      Hi Hairfetish669,

      Thanks so much fro your story! I know many of us are happy to read of your finding acceptance and appreciation in your son!!
      Below are three resources that I found in your area…sometimes it takes calls to several to find a group, but since Phoenix is a big city, I am guessing there are like-minded parents there for you to meet! If you do not find a group after exploring these thinks, you may want to consider calling up local gender therapists to see if they know of any groups! Good luck!!

      https://www.meetup.com/topics/transgender-

      friendly/us/az/phoenix/http://onenten.org/transgender-resources/
      http://pflagphoenix.org/

      Reply
    • Ann April 25, 2017 at 5:06 am #

      Transpectrum Arizona is a group in Phoenix that meets the second and fourth Sat of each month from 11 – 1:30 with groups for all including friends and families.

      Reply
      • transmom April 26, 2017 at 12:40 am #

        Thanks so very much, Ann!!!

    • Ann April 26, 2017 at 2:03 am #

      Forgot to give the website, transspectrum.org
      If you want to connect, we can exchange email through the private Facebook page for the site I believe. This site and other resources have been invaluable for not only mine but my families process. I live in the Phoenix area.

      Reply
      • transmom April 26, 2017 at 3:24 am #

        GREAT!!

  157. Brent Smith April 22, 2017 at 3:33 pm #

    Leaving Seattle today
    My child just went through the top surgery
    Shopped with my son in the men’s department
    My child is at peace which makes me happy
    I worry about the violence toward these children
    They need our love

    I

    Reply
    • transmom April 22, 2017 at 6:43 pm #

      Thank you for sharing this, Brent! It is not always easy to adjust to something that seems easy such as shopping! You were a supportive and loving parent! Our kids thrive with these acts of love that are not innocuous at all! They represent your acceptance and support of who they are at the very core!!

      I, too, worry so much about their safety in this crazy world!!

      Strength to you and your family!!

      Reply
      • Connie October 10, 2017 at 11:16 pm #

        Thank you so much for sharing 💜

  158. LaDonna Smith April 23, 2017 at 11:36 pm #

    My child is transforming ftm
    The mastectomy has just been done, we were there for support.
    I’m wondering what the next “stage” is I’m journey and how to get thru. I’m past 1. “where did we go wrong” 2. I don’t want to be on this train
    I live in south, generally not very LGBT friendly
    No help available except a few friends, I am a Christian and had to choose my child over my church

    Reply
    • transmom April 24, 2017 at 10:24 pm #

      Hi LaDonna! I am sorry you were put in the position of choosing your child over your place of worship! We know you put love first (which i believe is what anyone’s God would want), but I know this must have been additionally painful for you!

      From my experience after accompanying my FTM child for “top surgery”, I believe you are in the “settling in” phase. My child was also beginning to take testosterone at this time, so the secondary sex characteristics began to settle in: voice deepened (took a full year), facial hair (prides himself on that feature!), hips decreased as shoulders broadened, and his face became more masculine (jawline stronger, not his previous ‘softened’ female face)…many of these were not fully realized until after a full year or even more on hormones.

      So as your new son settles in, so do you! You get used to the changes (doesn’t want to share as much or talk as long, perhaps) and you become so accustomed to using his new name and male pronouns that it becomes second nature.

      This is also a time of you and your family disclosing the transition to more people (if your son agrees). This may mean reaching out to friends and family and having to explain (repeatedly) what this means.

      Meanwhile, keep working at keeping the conversations and the connections open!

      I applaud you and your growth during this journey with your child! You are definitely a warrior mom!!

      Reply
      • LaDonna May 15, 2017 at 3:48 pm #

        FEELING left oUT OF our grown childs life. somewhere in the cycle of FTM i got left behind. My daughter/son feels like I (the mom) knew all along how she/he felt. But the decision took me completely by surprise.” Water under the bridge.”
        I am a “nester” by nature. Family history and photos are important to me. I display in my home baby/ child/ teen/ grown up pics. My transgender child wants only new photos displayed; and tho my father recently deceased he choose a non-family male name. I feel i have been supportive of my at every stage yet i feel abandoned by him as he rejects every memory and feeling of mine. I need to feel my child loves me for who i am ? Want to quit trying so hard for him cos i feel no support back. He has distanced himself already geographically, now I’m feeling the emotional distance as well. Already lost a daughter, trying hard to hold onto a son I’m not sure i know.

      • transmom May 15, 2017 at 10:26 pm #

        Hi LaDonna. I can feel your pain through your note! I can hear how you must feel dismissed because you love photos and reminders of the past; your family history- and your son is rejecting those. Actually, I remember going through something very similar!
        I know it must seem as if you are not “getting credit” for how hard you are trying…and being dismissed like that makes you want to stop being generous of spirit- after all, why should you keep trying when it is not reciprocated, right?!!
        Well, this is complicated- but I am here to suggest that you SHOULD keep honoring your son’s requests- EVEN when he doesn’t reciprocate! Here’s why:
        – Your son (no matter what age) needs desperately to be taken seriously and acknowledged! We ALL want- no, NEED to be respected! Every one of us! When you display pictures of his former identity, it is a painful reminder to him of his past. By displaying those, to your son it is like saying, “I don’t care that this is extremely painful to you, I will show them and remind everyone in this house of your pain anyway!”
        Does that make sense?!
        I know it is not your intention, but that can be the result! By removing those pictures and replacing them with new ones, you honor how he sees himself!
        Yes, this is your house. Yes, he lives away. But he wants to know that he can feel safe at anytime to come home and know that he is being honored.
        I did the same here at my home, LaDonna. I asked my son (who lives out of state) what pictures he needed me to take down. I did it. It was painful and hard to do! But I kept a favorite picture of him at an age that I loved remembering in my bedroom- cuz that’s my place, my sanctuary and no one is going to see that picture- it’s not on display for all to look at and judge. Now when my son comes home (the bridge between you will dissolves over time with efforts like these!) he feels comfortable and accepted. He routinely sends me new pictures to hang and enjoy.

        LaDonna, you CAN hold onto your new son: routinely reach out and tell him you are working on this! Share with him that you are putting away the pictures. Let him know you are referring to him with the right pronouns and making sure that others are practicing the same- even when he is not there! Reassure him he is loved NO MATTER WHAT! Let him know that while this is not easy for you, you KNOW that this must have been a zillion times harder for him to pull off living before he became his authentic self.

        I hope this makes sense and you will consider my philosophy. I’m not saying it is easy or any less painful…but I am saying these choices build trust and new and honest relationships!

  159. Catherine Campbell April 25, 2017 at 9:07 pm #

    I know my daughter needs and deserves my unconditional support but I am at a loss here as to how I should proceed I think I’ve already made so many mistakes that I have alienated her I mean him and I need some help.

    Reply
    • transmom April 26, 2017 at 3:21 am #

      First of all, forgive yourself! We are not give a “Parents’ Guidebook” when our children present us with informations that are is uncomfortable, worrisome, against our beliefs, disappointing, freaky…you name it- we can (and sometimes do) react poorly. We are human!
      If you are still able to talk to your daughter (or is she now your son? which ever it is, make sure you honor her by using her preferred gender, name , and pronouns!), I would recommend that you reach out by calling or texting and ask for a meeting just the two of you. Let her know up front that you intend to apologize and are hoping she will allow you time to do that.
      If you no longer have the connection to speak, I would write a heartfelt letter asking her to please find it in her heart to just read it and consider. You might also consider finding a gender specialist therapist that would agree to meet with both of you.
      I encourage you to follow your heart and reach out to your child!! Good luck to you!!

      Reply
  160. kitinstlouis May 1, 2017 at 10:12 pm #

    My adult trans daughter came out to us a few weeks ago. We are both reeling a bit, but got to see her last week which helped a lot with the grieving process when we thought we were losing our son. But she’s the exact same brilliant, talented, beautiful kid and even seems interested in understanding us as human people now. Well, she’s growing up I guess she’s 27. I’ve just gone back and changed pronouns. It’s getting easier, though to think of her as a girl.

    I don’t really understand why I feel pain at this. But it is painful. We just want her to be happy and safe. People can be so cruel. I wouldn’ t think I’d be the type to impose gender norms on my kids. Was being the mom of two sons that important to me? What’s wrong with now having one son and one daughter?

    Reply
    • transmom May 3, 2017 at 12:48 am #

      Dear Kit,
      You are right- there is NOTHING wrong with having one daughter and one son! However, let’s be honest: this is not exactly what “you signed up for”…it’s feels painful because you felt comfortable and secure in what you had known for so many years! This news, while not a game-changer in terms of your relationship or support of your child- does mess with your reality. It does mean changing your expectations or perhaps dreams for your child. It means having difficult conversations with family and friends. It means having new worries and concerns- those of which you had never before ever entertained!

      Please try hard not to be too hard on yourself, Kit! Instead, focus on what you ARE doing right! You are loving your daughter and appreciating her. You are supporting her and, believe me, this means THE WORLD to her!! You are changing pronouns (NOT easy after 27 years!!). You are reaching out to a new community!

      This is a LONG list of getting it right, Kit! I applaud you!! Keep it all up!!!

      Reply
  161. Amanda May 4, 2017 at 6:05 am #

    My 13 year old son came out to us this last Christmas that he wants to be a girl and has been serious about it since. He is now wearing girls clothing, growing his hair out, and painting his nails. I thought it could just be a phase because he has went through so many over the last several years but I feel he is really serious. He wants to be called a her and has been doing research on hormones and following transgender youtube personalities. We are fully supportive and on board. I just want him/her to feel love and acceptance and comfortable in her own skin. I worry about teen suicide and depression. I have her in counseling and got a referral from her primary care for gender counseling all the way up in Seattle wa which is 3 hours drive from us. I am willing to go to whatever lengths possible for my son/daughters happiness. I still cannot help deep down praying it is just a phase because I feel I am losing my little boy.

    Reply
    • transmom May 5, 2017 at 2:55 am #

      Hi Amanda!

      Thanks for reaching out! I am pretty sure that almost all of the moms of transgender kids feels just as you do in the beginning: “Can this just please be a phase?!”

      Honestly it RARELY is! Unless kids are really super young and have not yet learned to doubt this instinct about themselves (so they come out early and forcefully), most of our kids have tried desperately to seek some “other” answer in their very personal and private challenge to “be normal”. It must be frightening to question your sense of self- your very being! For a 13 year old to be willing to wear female clothing, paint nails and grow their hair…to me, it seems as if this is more than just a passing fling.

      That’s why, Amanda, what you are doing- the lengths you are willing to push yourself to- is AMAZING!! You are showing up for your kiddo in a HUGE way!! I can’t applaud you or rave enough! Most parents really struggle so much with how THEY are feeling, that they really postpone supporting their child in purposeful ways for awhile. I appreciate that you- while still internally being worried and hopeful that this won’t last- are outwardly supporting your child in a way that let’s them know you trust and believe in them! That is exactly what PREVENTS suicide!

      Keep up the great work, Amanda!!

      Reply
  162. Ann May 9, 2017 at 11:49 am #

    My daughterr has ripped out my heartt and soul.

    Reply
    • transmom May 10, 2017 at 3:57 am #

      Ann, I hear your pain! But what is your daughter feeling if her mother is in so much pain that she can’t accept her? This is indeed the most significant expression of who she is! I hope you are considering this!

      Reply
  163. linda gealy May 11, 2017 at 4:05 am #

    Thanks for having this to reach out to ,. I read so many of the moms stories and feelings , it’s been a week now since my son had final surgery ,. Even though I have known for 2 years he was going this direction , I can’t let go of my son , the person he has become I don’t know and he doesn’t want me ,,.( He has been diagnosed with autism/asbergers issues , now 26) I am just sick about it and reading what the surgery does , makes me sicker to think that this is the answer ,. As a Christian ,. It says God made a mistake creating him as a male,,, , I have lost the person he was , of course I love my son , but I really liked him ,,I am considering some personal way I can say goodbye to a my son , to me it feels like he is dead , I am alone going through this as other family has written him off ,. Any help would be greatly appreciated ,

    Reply
    • Sue May 15, 2017 at 9:53 pm #

      Hi, I understand. My son (daughter to be) is the same age and all you’ve described!
      But please reach out to him/her. Please try to understand him/her.
      My son/daughter has just started the hormones. I am terribly upset BUT I must accept it. I can’t change it. I have to be proud and accept. I am taking control and telling people.
      Please reach out. My son/daughter just told me “I want to be happy”. I couldn’t/can’t argue with that.
      I have lunch with him/her when I can. He/she needs me.
      I’m trying to use the new name. That helps …I’m obviously not there with pronouns yet but I’ve not seen a physical change yet.
      I wish you the best. I truly understand.
      Sue x

      Reply
    • transmom May 15, 2017 at 10:00 pm #

      I’m so sorry that you continue to struggle with this, Linda! Two years is a long time to have not found peace with his decision…I’m wondering if you having been holding out hope all this time that he would change his mind? I can imagine since there has not been any support for him in your family, it has been difficult for you to go this alone! Linda, maybe now it even seems MORE painful because this is now reality.
      Personally, I do not believe God makes mistakes. And I do not believe that a loving, forgiving God would not forgive someone of choosing a life that gave that person contentment – ESPECIALLY when that choice hurts NO ONE!!
      Linda, you must do and believe what you need – but I am suggesting there can be more than one way to look at this issue. He remains your child- no matter what name, what gender, what job, what partner, what pronoun or how he dresses! The person that you brought into the world is absolutely the same individual….it is up to you to decide whether you want that love and support for him to continue. Of course, I am hopeful that love will prevail!
      The best of luck to you on this journey!

      Reply
    • LaDonna May 24, 2017 at 12:19 am #

      i feel grateful every day for this site….
      I also am having trouble with my “new relative”. I really liked my daughter and have so many memories attached to that person. Its been a challenge not to feel resentment toward the son because I feel this person took away my child.
      I have barely a relationship (tho as parents we try daily) with this new person; one: because he lives very far away , and two: I feel I have had to do all the “understanding” .
      Do you have any Bible verses that make you feel God made a mistake with the sex at birth? We have always felt God does not make mistakes so we are struggling to understand all this.
      When our daughter decided to tell us she felt like a boy she even said to us “What was God thinking?” She is / or used to be a devout Christian, now he feels left out by the church.
      What would we do without each other to console?
      Thank you for sharing.
      one other thing, my FTM child i think got very bad counseling, did you have this experience as well?

      Reply
      • transmom May 24, 2017 at 5:08 am #

        Hi LaDonna! I am so grateful that this site has been of comfort to you! Five years ago, I could not find anyone to turn to and I, too, struggled with acceptance. It was actually my son that encouraged me to start this blog because his experience was, sadly, that so very few trans kids feel loved and supported by their parents!
        I agree with you…I do not think God makes mistakes. I believe we just are not always going to understand the “whys” but it is our responsibility to search for the truth and understanding around our questions. This is one of those questions.
        What I do know, is that we are here with each other for a relatively brief amount of time. We deserve love and acceptance no matter how we believe or who we love. No matter what we look like, or what form our identity takes, we deserve respect and tolerance.
        While doing so is not always easy, this struggle is part of our learning to love and respect. Thank God you have others to lean on while you push yourself to do what is right- ESPECIALLY when your church or the members of your church may be giving you mixed messages!
        Continue to seek better counseling for your child- I was lucky to receive great counseling and I hope you will find the same!
        The best to you, your family, and your child during this challenging time! You continue to be a loving parent despite the obstacles of distance and understanding!

      • Beth May 26, 2017 at 7:33 pm #

        I was born with a chemical imbalance, although we didn’t know it at the time. I lived with it for the longest time before someone really heard me and guided me to the right help. I never considered my difference as God’s mistake. It just is.

        I look at my MTF daughter in the same way. She is not a mistake God made. She is the person she was ordained by God to be.

      • transmom June 1, 2017 at 9:49 pm #

        Thank You, Beth!! I know your words will bring understanding to mothers and fathers that struggle to make sense of their children!
        I agree!! Our children are perfect the way they are! They will absolutely lead loving, productive and happy lives AS LONG AS WE ARE SUPPORTIVE!!!

  164. Ann May 23, 2017 at 8:38 am #

    I cant stand this. I hate my daughter now..

    Reply
    • transmom May 24, 2017 at 4:57 am #

      Ann, I am so sad to read this! I can’t imagine holding hate in my heart for my child….I hope you will seek some support …life is too short and too precious to limit the love you hold for your child! I hope that you will consider reading that while MOST parents REALLY struggle with understanding and accepting their transgender children, they do NOT hate them. They struggle to find a way back to the love they once felt easily because their child is still there…just the exterior is new! I hope you will find your way back to that! Good luck to you!

      Reply
  165. ripemama June 1, 2017 at 2:29 am #

    I’m so glad I found this site. I am the mother of a 14 yr old who recently came to me to express his desire to be female. I was completely shocked at first, but now that I look at ‘him’ I can’t undo seeing her. I have a lot of guilt for not seeing it before now. I just thought of him as my beautiful androgynous boy. My emotions in the last two weeks have varied from locking myself in the shower and crying big huge gut wrenching tears to looking up baby girl names and wondering what he will reinvent herself as. This is a new journey. It helps so much to read everyone’s story to know I’m not alone. blessings

    Reply
    • transmom June 2, 2017 at 1:10 am #

      Greetings and Welcome, Ripemama! Other mamas, just like you, can be found here well-steeped in guilt! I am here to say that, although it is commonly experienced, it isn’t healthy or time worthy!
      I, too, went straight to “Guiltland” when my (then) daughter came out to me as trans. I had always thought my tomboyish kid would be end up being gay. And, for a time, yea- that’s how she identified. I was fine with that- it was a non-issue. But when the sentence, “I identify as trans.” was said, I was at a complete loss! I didn’t know ANY trans folks. I was certain I had caused this by not confronting what I had interpreted as “Gay” earlier. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to explain this to everyone we knew. And my reaction was to feel guilty about not wanting to accept it or being disappointed. It was a lose-lose….all negative.

      A therapist assured me my behaviors or lack thereof were not the cause. I read books and found a support group. I cried in the shower like you, got out of the shower, and got over myself. I didn’t do it overnight. It took time. And my son was generous with my journey, thank God. I learned to trust him on this. I learned to accept.

      And you know what? I am a MUCH better mom and human being because of this journey! I know you will feel this was one day, too, ripemama!! Meanwhile, hang in there!!

      Reply
    • Tiffany February 20, 2019 at 9:16 pm #

      I am going theough the same thing now with my child. He wants to be she. And now wants to be called Evelyn. Please contact me if you have any advice. My child is 15 and just started high school this fall.

      Reply
      • transmom February 23, 2019 at 6:56 pm #

        Tiffany, if anyone want to contact you about Evelyn, I will pass on the info to you privately!

  166. Renee Ferguson June 1, 2017 at 7:33 pm #

    Thank you for welcoming me. I just got off one roller coaster. And got back on a new one! Thank you for that part of “what am I doing wrong” stage because everything that comes out of my mouth I’m questioning ?
    I keep trying to remind myself it’s not about me! And try to keep focusing on my son I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it would be to experience that!

    Reply
    • transmom June 2, 2017 at 1:18 am #

      That’s a great mindset, Renee! I think it will be REALLY helpful to other moms when they read how you keep focusing on my son and how you “can’t imagine how uncomfortable it would be to experience that!”. Each of us needs to learn how to NOT make this all about us! Yes! We have our own journey…but you are soooo right! We do not have to be uncomfortable in our current “skin”. We do not have to second guess how people might react to us. We don’t have to wonder if we will “pass”, if we will be bullied, or even worse, assaulted! We know we are accepted by our friends and family; we do not need to worry that in a split second, that could change! We don’t have to wonder if we will one day find love and a partner as easily as a cis-gendered individual expects!

      Hang in there…keep being thoughtful and trying! It is all anyone can ask of you!

      And while you are on this roller coaster? Fasten that seatbelt! Your kid needs you along for the ride!!!

      Reply
  167. Sharon June 6, 2017 at 3:36 pm #

    My child is transgender female, he ” came out” last year. I love my child endlessly but I feel so lost to help him. He has a poor self image, anxious til he tremors most of the time usually mild but worse with increased fear, insomina and mild depression. He’s so concern how the world sees him. My assurances make little difference. I know this is a journey and I remind him to simply be true to yourself and enbrace the journey. Is this typical? How do I support him? How do I educate myself/ support group in Oklahoma? Just want her to love her self and feel safe.

    Reply
    • Me, just me June 7, 2017 at 11:31 pm #

      1/2 the people here refer to their son turned daughter as ‘he’, the other 1/2 say ‘she’. Can’t we please say ‘my who daughter transitioned to male’ or ‘my son who transitioned to female’. I’m already really confused.

      Reply
      • transmom June 7, 2017 at 11:57 pm #

        Hi “Me, just me”!
        You are right: This CAN be confusing!

        But here’s the truth: we are all at different places along our journeys in accepting our own roles as parents of our transgender children!

        Many of us here are experiencing a stage that fills us with pain, confusion, and fear! Those of us at this time haven’t even begun to wrap our heads around using different pronouns- we are just in psychological survival mode!

        Others of us are stuck in an angry place! We don’t yet understand why our children even need to do this: it may feel to those of us parents that our children have a “choice” they could ignore. Acceptance is not yet part of the game plan for us angry parents- and correct pronoun usage is still off in our futures!

        Then there are those of us parents who are well on our way to acceptance: we are searching how to better navigate these relationships and how to support our kids the best way we can. Even though we have every intention to use the correct pronoun, we make errors just the same. After all, we’ve had years practicing a different name and identity and it’s hard to overcome these habits!

        Thanks for your patience, “Me, just me”! we are all getting there!!

    • transmom June 7, 2017 at 11:37 pm #

      Hi Sharon!
      I am so happy you took the time to share your concerns with all the moms reading here! Believe me when I say that MANY other mothers have similar concerns for their transgender children! You are NOT alone and neither is your daughter!

      First of all, I want to commend you on using the correct pronouns for your daughter- your love and respect for her comes through to everyone when you do so! ESPECIALLY your daughter!

      Unfortunately, these are scary times for our children. They only want acceptance and the freedom to live an authentic life and yet they frequently worry that they will not “pass”. Not passing means that they could encounter stares and comments from strangers at any time. They have to consider that not passing might mean facing discrimination in the workplace or school and perhaps, even violence in the streets. No wonder these sensitive souls experience anxiety and depression!

      Your continued support for her is actually more than many parents offer! It would be really amazing if you were able to find a therapist for her that could support her emotional needs during her transition! When you read books by authors such as Jennifer Finney Boylan or Janet Mock, you will gain important insight! I encourage your daughter to do the same! Finding groups for each of you is also an important source of support! Try to Google the LGBT groups or centers close to you and call to ask specifically for counseling and support group suggestions! There are even counseling services online if your can’t find someone nearby! Try this link as a start:

      http://www.okeq.org/transgender-support.html

      Good luck with your support, Sharon! You are an awesome mom!! Keep up your loving efforts!

      Reply
  168. Me, just me June 11, 2017 at 12:11 pm #

    Thank you for your thoutful reply. I’m still trying to understand, and mourning losing my daughter. I was so proud of her, she is very successful in her academic life. I’m worried how this change will impact her life where she is.

    Reply
    • transmom June 12, 2017 at 2:26 pm #

      I totally understand, Me Just Me! It’s difficult not to worry! Even though your daughter’s future was as unknown before her transition as it is now, you are filled with new concerns. I had the same worries for my son. After he graduated from college, he (like millions of cis-gendered as well as transgendered kids his age) went through a few years of “finding himself”. He now has one more year of law school to complete! I am thrilled that he has found commitment, direction, and purpose! I firmly believe that your daughter’s academic skills will serve her as well!

      As parents, we need to believe and have faith that the values we have instilled early on in our children will, indeed, continue to flourish throughout their lives!!

      My best too you!

      Reply
    • Sue June 12, 2017 at 4:05 pm #

      I know how you feel. I guess we all do. My “son” has fantastic academic achievements and we were so proud. I guess we still are but I’ve found it is hard to comprehend, understand, accept …and accept that it’s not our “fault”, or something we’ve done. My son says that he wants to be happy. That’s the bottom line I guess. He’s still the lovely kind person he was.
      He started taking hormones a month ago. He says that there’s been a dramatic difference that I won’t be able to ignore. I’m worried about seeing him, although I haven’t said so. Maybe when I see him, I will be able to change my pronouns, and say “her” and “my daughter”. I hope so. I just want everything to be ok.
      Best wishes,
      Sue xx

      Reply
      • transmom June 13, 2017 at 1:16 am #

        Thanks for your comments, Sue! I know there are many moms out there that are initially apprehensive to witness their child’s transition for the first time!!!!

        I say that you begin NOW to use the correct pronouns at home ALOUD to become accustomed to your “new normal”! There’s no time like the present!! For example, talk to yourself aloud as you do chores. Imagine conversations as you greet her for the first time in front of others:
        ” Finally! Honey, you look lovely!”
        “___, isn’t her outfit adorable?”
        “____, how do you feel because you look great!”
        “I’ll be honest, I was worried about today, but you look so happy! That is the most important thing…and I’m so relieved!”
        “____, don’t you think that’s a great color on her?”

        If you hear yourself practice, trust me, it will be a LOT easier in person! Just know that identifying her correctly is her definitive sign that you indeed HONOR and RESPECT her!! While she wants to be tolerant and patient with you, please
        remember that for our kids, if their parents can’t bring themselves to embrace them by referring to them by a new name and pronouns, and thus accept them as their authentic selves, then who will?!

        I KNOW you can do this, Sue!! Please keep us posted in your journey!!

  169. K L June 25, 2017 at 4:26 am #

    My daughter is starting hormones to become my son. I love my child and am support this decision. But it’s hard. Would appreciate comments from Mom’s who’ve been there.

    Reply
    • transmom July 6, 2017 at 10:19 pm #

      Hi KL! I am sorry to have you wait for a response- I have been on vacation. You, too, will soon take a vacation and be able to NOT think about your daughter 24-7!

      I know that you will feel much better about this journey because of your love and support for your child! Meanwhile, please know you are not alone! So many moms have struggled to understand this transition and work hard to support their kids! Believe it or not, it does get “easy” once you get used to the changes and you see how happy these can make your daughter!

      I think there are a couple of my previous posts that may “speak” to you! They directly discuss my feelings when going through the process you are going through right now!
      “Dear-worried-freaked-out-doubting-anguished-horrified-and-loving-wonderful-mom”
      -and-
      “Showing Up for Your Child”

      might help! Please type these into the search bar at the top right of the blog page!

      Remember, you are a loving parent that is able to help your child achieve contentment through your unconditional love! Their physical transformation never transforms their true being: your child may be seen now as your son, but they will ALWAYS remain your child!

      Reply
    • Lisa July 6, 2017 at 10:36 pm #

      I really feel for you my daughter wants the same thing but I won’t do it she’s only 14 Lisa from New York

      Reply
      • transmom July 7, 2017 at 10:36 pm #

        Hi Lisa!

        I totally understand your concern for your fourteen year old. I am wondering if you been able to meet with a physician that is knowledgable of, or specializes in gender? I ask because adolescence is often a critical time for our transgender children! And, in some cases, there can be options for them that will make the journey ahead much less challenging! For example, my son came out as an adult and required top surgery (breast removal). Hormone blockers given at an earlier age may have been one less step in his journey and he would have been much more satisfied with his identity so much sooner!

        Obviously, ANY medical intervention is completely at the the parents’ discretion and takes great circumspection!!! I share this thought here as something to research if you have not already done so!!

        The best to you and your daughter!!

      • Lisa July 7, 2017 at 11:33 pm #

        Thank you for that information I just don’t know if it the right time for my daughter to do that I’m scared to start any kind of drug she’s only 14 maybe in the back of my mind she will change her mind she’s seeing a therapist and she will start high school this year Is she to young thank you Lisa from New York

      • transmom July 7, 2017 at 11:55 pm #

        I sooooo understand, Lisa!! I know that is exactly what parents of younger children worry about!! I think many (most?!) of us parents wonder if our kids will change their minds! You are not alone in having those questions!

        I’m happy to know your daughter is seeing a therapist …talking to your therapist about this as well as your daughter’s physician will keep you well- informed! Knowledge is power!!

        Good for you!- you are obviously a loving parent!! Your daughter is blessed to have you!

      • Bee Warren August 6, 2017 at 12:39 am #

        Thank you. I just wanted to update about the appointment. It was pretty recent, and after discussing with D (my teen), I learned that they do not really feel male one moment and then female the next. For them it’s more like feeling male one moment and the next it’s “the void” as they describe it. I can’t even imagine living like that each and every day, stuck in a body that is biologically doing everything female, and not even remotely feeling connected, in charge, or Ok at all with that femaleness, and having to deal with a society that ultimately sexualizes female body parts. That must be such a challenge, specially in somewhere like high school where hormones are so strong. (Very glad they are recently graduated though). So when we went to the appointment, I was asked a # of questions about them as they were growing up, when did I feel they were first aware of this happening, and when did I feel things were changing for them, etc. and I really think I gave the Doc a lot of good solid info. I told him essentially that if D feels male and then the void, then what is the point in even being female at all? I said that all I really want for them is to become themselves fully and if that involves top surgery and they will be happier doing that, then all the power to them! That comment made the Doc smile. My D knows themselves enough, and has agonized and thought over this decision long enough to know what they want. Who am I to stop them from becoming an even more Beautiful and crucial contributing member of society? How am I doing myself or anyone else a favour by attempting to stop them, or to put more doubt in their mind? So, I stand behind them 100%, because I know they know what they are doing fully. And all I can do is Love them because I am so in love with who they already are, and I can’t wait to see who they will ultimately Be in the end…this is also a very slow process, and I think with enough time to realize and adjust to up and coming near future events, I think it will all unfold just the way it needs to. Btw, fyi, the Doc told me that it is the ones who rush into transitioning without getting an all around full picture who are the ones who might then want to reverse their decision in the future. I think that when you’ve thought about it, and discussed it enough, you’re ready and you know, and all angles that need to be explored are questioned and explored fully, then there is really no doubt to be had. Then all sorts of doors are open for you to just become you…And in no way am I saying this is going to all be a walk in the park. But with love, support and acceptance on your side, things sure do become a lot less painful orx stressful…

      • transmom August 6, 2017 at 5:13 am #

        You are awesome, Bee❤️ thanks for the update! I know you AND your child is on their way to finding contentment!

  170. Jody June 26, 2017 at 4:29 pm #

    I would love to talk to you. I am the mother of a 26 year old transgender male to female child. We have known since just before Christmas. I do feel very alone. She is struggling to feel good about herself. My heart breaks for her. She’s very hairy (in all the wrong places!) tall, and quite masculine looking. It sounds so superficial, I know, but that’s what it’s about. I struggle with feeling embarrassed when we are out together in public, as I think people stare. I hate myself for that. It is a process.

    Reply
    • transmom July 6, 2017 at 10:50 pm #

      Hi Jody!
      I hope you will try to stop beating yourself up for being embarrassed by your daughter’s appearance. This is a natural reaction because this is still new to you…you have not had time to yet grow accustomed to this reaction from others! I bet if your child had been born with a condition that caused such a response, you would have by now developed a “thick skin”. So this is all new AND this is NOT easy! Each of us wants our child (no matter their age) to feel accepted and welcomed!! The truth is, her appearing different does not necessarily bring about this desired response. I can’t imagine how painful this is for her!

      Like most obstacles, I think time and practice are needed! The more you are used to the responses of others, the less you will look for those stares/reactions from others. So try to go out frequently with her with the notion that you are the Mama Bear!- dare the world to cross your cub! Be fierce! Focus on her and your acceptance and enjoyment of her will be what others are struck with!

      Have fun practicing make-up: look up “makeup tutorial for transgenders” on Youtube. I hope you will find time for you both to embrace the transformation process….you can sit side by side with mirrors and see who can do it best! How to transform without having makeup that
      is becoming for a drag queen is a talent in itself- for cisgender moms and MTF daughters! Your identifying with her as your daughter is a new part of her identity that you get to embrace and enjoy!! Consider going to get manicures and pedicures in a LBGTQ-friendly salon or have a little salon party at home with she and her friends!

      Acceptance, Love and Support are the most precious gifts we can give our children, Jody!!

      Find my page on FB and message me: we can chat more!!

      https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog/

      Reply
      • Julie Mellen July 7, 2017 at 1:25 am #

        I wouldn’t do the “who can do the makeup the best” the last thing she needs is having to compare herself to a cis woman.

      • transmom July 7, 2017 at 10:16 pm #

        Well stated, Julie!! I was thinking more about the bonding thing…but you are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! THE FOCUS NEEDS TO BE ABOUT HER SUCCESS AND COMFORT- NIOT COMPARISON! THANK YOU!!!!

      • Jody July 8, 2017 at 11:39 am #

        Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. This is most definitely a journey that is and has been quite bumpy. Our daughter is struggling so to feel comfortable in her own skin, literally. For me, that is the most difficult thing to witness. She had substance abuse issues (much of that I believe was her denying her reality of gender) and now has been clean and sober for over 8 months. In the vortex of everything else going on, that accomplishment sometimes gets overlooked. Finding a job (she has a college degree and is quite bright) as a trans woman who most definitely is not “passing” at present has been tough. She is young, willing and able, so that will serve her well! As for my embarrassment of being out with her, I need to see that for what it is, my insecurities about needing to fit in. I have always seen the successes of my children as a reflection, right or wrong, of my “success”. Having a trans child most definitely has not fit into that model. I think my model is faulty. My children’s successes are their’s, as are their failures. My love and support for them, who they are and what they want to do with their lives is my reality. My new daughter is helping me get back to the basics of what I believe parenting (and grand parenting) to be about. It’s not easy and it never ends! A day at a time, keep it simple and be kind to yourself.

      • transmom July 22, 2017 at 5:09 pm #

        I so appreciate when you say that your daughter is helping you “get back to the basics of what parenting is about”!! I think our (we new moms to parenting a transgender kid) reactions are common and to be expected, especially give our society’s norms. But you are SO right: Their lives-with all the positive and negative experiences that go with any life- belong to our children! They need to enjoy the power to experience and make choices! We get to love them and support them. You are right, Jody: one day at a time with kindness!

  171. Brenda cisneros June 28, 2017 at 2:46 pm #

    I feel alone . I find myself always trying to understand why? I looking forward to check ur blog and make sense about what I supposed to do to help my son to be happy in his transition.

    Reply
    • transmom July 6, 2017 at 11:15 pm #

      Hi Brenda!

      I think a lot of mothers- just like you!!!- feel alone!

      I don’t know about your specific situation, Brenda, but for me, I was the ONLY parent of a transgender kid I knew! I had no experiences with transgender folks- I didn’t know any transgender kids- and none of my family members knew anyone that is transgender. That’s what made me feel alone!

      I felt like you did: I only wanted to know how to be a better, and supportive mother. So after I got going; after I started feeling more comfortable; and after my son felt that I had actually succeeded in becoming very supportive to him, it was he that suggested I start a blog. Unfortunately, he knew lots of trans folks that had not experienced support from their parents. My son knew that there were so many moms out there that wanted to step up for their children just as I had wanted to be there for him!
      Here’s a great article that can guide each of us as we begin this journey:

      https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child

      Please also check out my previous posts!

      I hope you continue to reach out to make connections with other parents- talking with others REALLY does help!

      Reply
  172. Kath July 4, 2017 at 1:49 am #

    My 31 year old married son has told us hes transgender and pansexual.Had attempted suicide at 13 and went to individual and family therapy.Was in military and finally got the courage to tell us.His wife knew before marriage. We are seeing her now with makeup, boobs, clothing and using her name.Unfortunately, except for two other people, family has ignored all of us.Her friends rallied in support.One terrible email from one.Angry that she had to live this long terrified and angry family (not supportive anyway) have turned away.Just want to move away.Feel very lonely.

    Reply
    • transmom July 7, 2017 at 11:06 pm #

      I’m so sorry you feel so alone and isolated in this journey, Kath! It’s times like this when we need others most! We need others that embrace us and comfort us! Others that listen without judgement! Others that appreciate the unconditional love we give our children!

      Frankly, that’s why I am always encouraging parents to seek out parent support groups and counseling!! Our family support group really saved my soul!! It was the one place I could go where other parents totally “got me”!! Some there struggled with the same issues while others did not, but I always saw my journey somehow reflected in theirs! Being among them brought me courage and strength. My issues often seemed so incredibly easy in comparison: My kid was an adult. He lived out of state so it wasn’t like I was facing challenges everyday. His transition went smoothly. I was one lucky momma! I had the opportunity to learn perspective: I listened to parents battling the courts and school systems. Parents shared ways to navigate athletic participation, what their kids would wear to these events and how to cope with locker rooms. They discussed who they could trust to know about their child’s identity. NONE of those are easy situations and they come up frequently when one has a transgender child!

      Kath, you have a married son…we all know that is not at all an easy road to navigate!! You have lost relationships and have watched your daughter endure the same. My heart goes out to you!

      Have you searched for groups in your area? Have you found a counselor that might, in turn, know other patients that would be interested in forming a group with you?

      I am sending you strength and resolve to continue! You are an amazingly loving and generous parent!! You deserve respect and acknowledgement for being such!! I applaud you!!

      Reply
  173. Melissa July 7, 2017 at 2:25 am #

    Hello. Wondering if you could offer information about a support group for parents of transgender in the Philadelphia area. Somewhere a mother can get support and information from other parents who have gone or are going through this. Any help would be appreciated. TIA.

    Reply
    • transmom July 7, 2017 at 10:23 pm #

      Hi Melissa! Thanks for reaching out! Hopefully someone else reading will reach back.

      Meanwhile, the center (link below) looks amazing. Try giving a call and connecting…it may take a few questions, but hang in there! The important thing is that you are reaching out! My first meeting was through a local P-FLAG group…many times they can be a great source. Mine actually led me to an incredible therapist, who in turn led me to a fabulous trans-family support group! So please don’t give up: I’m sure the is something for you in the City of Brotherly Love!!

      https://www.mazzonicenter.org/health-care/trans-care

      Reply
  174. Kelly July 9, 2017 at 6:51 pm #

    My 22 year old son told me several months ago that he was going to transition into a female. While I was shocked to hear how this was how he identified for sometime I tried to be supportive and understanding. I offered to go and talk with a counselor who specializes in transgender issues. He was a college student and has never had a full time job so he has no health insurance that would cover counseling. Over the past few months he has become someone I don’t know… Accusing me of not caring or trying to understand what he is going through. I have bent over backwards and walked on eggshells for my kid and it feels like a knife in my gut every time I’m accused of not giving a crap! I never saw any sign that he was unhappy. He has a girlfriend and she is bisexual… I am not sure if this has anything to do with it or not, but if my son came to me and told me he was gay it would make sense to me! I don’t know what to do anymore because he avoids me and turns everything into an argument.

    Reply
    • transmom July 22, 2017 at 5:38 pm #

      I am so sorry to hear about your situation, Kelly! You are experiencing a painful time! I want you to know that you are not alone- not only with having a transgender adult child, but in your struggle with your relationship with him. If you read other comments from moms on my site, you will recognize that this is something that, unfortunately, can occur with our young adult children as they approach or go through transition.

      Several mothers have shared that their children have had issues with substance abuse. I can only summize that this stems from the painful inner struggle that our children must face in finding and accepting themselves and their new identities! Being able to face public scrutiny and fearing a lack of acceptance is brutal!

      The experience of having your child accuse you of not caring, avoiding you, and frequently arguing is, sadly, also not unheard of. I wonder if these kids (because when you are your identity continues to emerge at 22, I don’t believe you are a completely developed adult!) are angry about their situation and feel the need to lash out? From my 35 years as a special educator, I have learned that children (no matter the age) lash out at those with whom they feel the safest: their parents! I’m not condoning his behavior, but rather understand that it may stem from someplace other than you.

      You are recommending the smartest and most supportive solution: counseling! Even if your son is not willing to attend with you, I recommend YOU going- YOU need this support! A therapist that is knowledgable in gender issues would bring you great relief! The therapist would be able to guide you in the most productive ways to respond to your son’s negative interactions! Hopefully, in time, your son will be willing to join you in working together on your relationship! And maybe those therapeutic discussions might lead him to his own counseling!

      My best to you. I send you hopes of continued patience and strength. Your child is always your child- you are in this for the long haul, so your efforts are worth it!!

      Reply
  175. Suzan Jones July 10, 2017 at 4:52 pm #

    Hello,
    My son 22 recently told me he is transgender, but still likes females. I am very supportive and took it well. But very confused. I try not to let him see my doubts and sadness. I love him no matter what. I have known for a month we just told his dad this weekend I thought I would have someone to go through this with. It has only been 24 hours but I can tell my husband isn’t taking it well even though he told my son he loves him know matter what blah blah blah said everything right. I can tell it bothers him. Now I feel as if I will be supporting both of them. Who is going to help me?
    Susan

    Reply
    • transmom July 12, 2017 at 4:14 pm #

      Hi Suzan!
      Boy, I really do feel your pain and frustration! But here’s the good news: you are starting on the right path by reaching out here! I am here for you and so are the other moms that write in!

      I encourage you to find a support group in your area so you can meet and talk with other moms face-to-face! (try looking up the local LGBT center and calling them. A counselor specializing in gender can be a life saver and another important source of support for you if you can afford it!!

      It is absolutely normal to feel supportive to your son and say all of the right things and YET feel unhappy, disappointed and completely bummed out! Let’s be honest…does any of us want our children to struggle with identity? NO! Does any of us want to worry about our child’s safety, being accepted, finding a job, or finding a partner? A resounding NO!! Being transgender does come with additional hurdles- that’s just reality in our culture and society. So your son coming home and sharing this news is not exactly like he’s sharign he’s changing professions…this is much more challenging- and as his parents, it’s okay to go through a process of acceptance as well as discomfort.

      We ALL have our process around this. I’m sure his dad will be relieved to know this…none of us needs to get “stuck” in our initial reaction….we need time, patience, understanding while we reframe and learn to understand our new journey with our child!!

      My best to you! Please continue to reach out- honestly, you will benefit others that read and do not necessarily comment!! Hang in there, Suzan- you got this!!!

      Reply
      • Suzan Jones July 13, 2017 at 8:17 pm #

        Thank You,
        I have been looking for local help. I hope to stay on the right track. I will have to accept my husbands reaction as well that’s not easy for me, but I don’t want to make it harder on my son. I tend to counsel them trying to help and make it worse. I am trying to let them work it out and I will do what I need to for me and my sons relationship
        Thank you

  176. Bee Warren July 30, 2017 at 7:50 am #

    When my child was 15 they are now 18, they came to me & said they felt both male & female at the same time, and that this is a fluid process, because it fluctuates depending how they might feel. Seeing them be completely withdrawn for years and not knowing why was so crushing, and then the fact that they figured it out and could talk about it finally was such a relief for both of us! I would much rather have a child who is happy than suffering. There is nothing more heartbreaking than to watch the child you love suffer day in & day out for years..
    I followed their lead, and listened, supported, and loved them to death regardless, lol! And now that they are 18, they are discussing top surgery and hormones, and have discussed this before, but now they are really talking about going through with it. My fear is that these procedures might change them too much, so that they might feel less female but too much male, and it might make them be disappointed with the fact that they will no longer be able to be fluid anymore, do you know what I mean? I asked them who they feel they are and they said they don’t know, they are in transition, but the real word to describe themselves is not really transitioning, but rather a revealing or a process of growth, right? Our local children’s hospital has a transgender clinic for children, and I believe they work with them for a lot longer than the usual pediatric establishment. However, they are using a model that is binary, and it appears that if the child shows what looks to be uncertainty but is just them being themselves, being fluid, then how can they truly get the help they need? There seems to be more help for people if they are not non binary, sorry I don’t know exactly how to say that, and the ones who are non binary I fear might suffer because of this binary way of being. It’s really sad that our society looks at people with a one or the other idea, instead of the idea of a full spectrum. If you have the professionals who administer the medications to these children not even understanding and being open to learning, then how can these children have a chance to thrive? I want to support my child their whole lives, but how can I feel good about supporting something the establishment doesn’t fully understand and it is the only real thing out there that is supposed to help my child? I am going to the next appointment with them to the psychologist very soon. I want this meeting to be positive so I was wondering if you could speak about gender fluidity so that I can advocate for my child in just the way they need. Thank You so much..<3

    Reply
    • transmom August 3, 2017 at 11:34 pm #

      Thanks so very much for your important message, Bea! I will be researching this topic more before writing since I have not experienced fluidity personally with my own child. I would like to reach out to those who are and have experience!

      Meanwhile, I am sooo happy to know you will be attending your child’s next appointment- you are an amazing mother and advocate!!

      Reply
      • Bee Warren August 6, 2017 at 12:28 am #

        Thank you. I just wanted to update about the appointment. It was pretty recent, and after discussing with D (my teen), I learned that they do not really feel male one moment and then female the next. For them it’s more like feeling male one moment and the next it’s “the void” as they describe it. I can’t even imagine living like that each and every day, stuck in a body that is biologically doing everything female, and not even remotely feeling connected, in charge, or Ok at all with that femaleness, and having to deal with a society that ultimately sexualizes female body parts. That must be such a challenge, specially in somewhere like high school where hormones are so strong. (Very glad they are recently graduated though). So when we went to the appointment, I was asked a # of questions about them as they were growing up, when did I feel they were first aware of this happening, and when did I feel things were changing for them, etc. and I really think I gave the Doc a lot of good solid info. I told him essentially that if D feels male and then the void, then what is the point in even being female at all? I said that all I really want for them is to become themselves fully and if that involves top surgery and they will be happier doing that, then all the power to them! That comment made the Doc smile. My D knows themselves enough, and has agonized and thought over this decision long enough to know what they want. Who am I to stop them from becoming an even more Beautiful and crucial contributing member of society? How am I doing myself or anyone else a favour by attempting to stop them, or to put more doubt in their mind? So, I stand behind them 100%, because I know they know what they are doing fully. And all I can do is Love them because I am so in love with who they already are, and I can’t wait to see who they will ultimately Be in the end…this is also a very slow process, and I think with enough time to realize and adjust to up and coming near future events, I think it will all unfold just the way it needs to. Btw, fyi, the Doc told me that it is the ones who rush into transitioning without getting an all around full picture who are the ones who might then want to reverse their decision in the future. I think that when you’ve thought about it, and discussed it enough, you’re ready and you know, and all angles that need to be explored are questioned and explored fully, then there is really no doubt to be had. Then all sorts of doors are open for you to just become you…

      • transmom August 6, 2017 at 10:27 pm #

        Hey, Bee! I have the contact info of another mom who would love to connect with you. She also has a non binary child! “There is strength and knowledge when we grasp hands” is my motto! If you go to my FB page And send me a message, I will privately message you back with her info!!

        Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children

        https://m.facebook.com/transformingloveblog/

  177. M August 2, 2017 at 11:49 am #

    Is it wrong that I feel as though I am grieving the loss of my daughter (27 yo) and I can never even imagine myself uttering her “new” name. She was given her middle name as a treasure, a namesake of both my mom and grandmother, now that is being tossed like a pile of garbage. It will break my mother’s heart to learn. I want my daughter to be happy but how much of this is just a “sign of the times”, a “fad”? My heart is broken.

    Reply
    • transmom August 6, 2017 at 5:36 am #

      I’m sorry you are heartbroken, M- we can feel your pain in your message. It is NOT wrong to experience what you feel is grief and loss- MANY moms of transgender kids feel the same initially!
      I know because your daughter’s name is precious and meaningful to you. However, this is a name you chose without having the ability to know that it might, one day, become a problem for her-just as her pronouns are probably also becoming an issue. I’m guessing how she used to present herself physically will also change. She’s telling you that these aspects need to change. Not for you, but for her.
      For your child to feel whole, complete, and content, M, they must be able to accept themselves and feel comfortable about the identity they project. In order for your child to find joy, they need to find peace within!
      I’m sorry this news-and the changes it will entail, are painful to you. But believe me-this is not about you! Instead, this is about your child’s life and the journey they are taking!
      As parents, we need to decide if we will be able to share in that journey. If we desire to continue to enjoy our children in adulthood, then, sooner or later, we will have to learn to deal with our personal disappointments, embarrassment, and reluctance to accept such change. Eventually, we have to find absolute unconditional love for our child in order to really share in their life!
      I hope you will be able to find that love within you- love without strings and conditions so you will be able to maintain a loving relationship with your child!
      Good luck to you!

      Reply
  178. Arlene August 22, 2017 at 7:43 pm #

    Last night our 33-year-old son told his father and me that he is transgender. He said when he was in middle school he would pray that he would wake up and be a girl, that he was able to distract from these feelings for a number of years, but a year ago, he couldn’t be distracted anymore. He is married to a bright independent woman and they have two smart boys, ages 2 and 4. Our son has been in therapy for about six months, and he says he will be starting hormones soon. He says this will not affect his life with his family. My husband and I love our son and will be here always for him. We have no idea what is going to happen, cannot see that this will NOT affect his life with his family, and are kind of numb with this revelation. I haven’t been able to think of anything else, and didn’t sleep at all last night. We don’t know what, did f anything, we should be doing, saying, thinking, researching, etc.

    Reply
    • transmom September 8, 2017 at 11:42 pm #

      Hi Arlene! After so many years and becoming used to your son being in a gender-expected role (having a wife and children), you must be reeling! Of course you aren’t thinking of anything else!

      Your first reaction: “My husband and I love our son and will always be here for him” would be a terrific mantra for you! I agree with you, this WILL have an impact on his family and on the two of you! You will each (including his wife, children, friends, and family members) have your own journey, your own emotions, and your own reactions! It does take a long while (especially as he is just beginning his transition) to find your “new normal”. That’s just how it is-everyone is impacted. Does your unconditional love and support help? YOU BET!! But change (and this is a biggie) is often challenging. It’s good to know this reality coming in.

      If at all possible, I recommend finding a parents’ group that you and your husband can attend. A therapist experienced in gender issues would be really helpful as well!!

      Next, read, read, and read! I think you will really connect with the wonderful author, Jennifer Funnel Boylan! “She’s Not There-a Life in Two Genders” is an excellent book! I encourage you to check out some of my early posts here-I bet you are experiencing many of the same emotions I did initially.

      Please keep talking and communicating with each other! Think about maintaining a journal wherein you don’t have to worry about filtering your thoughts, worries, frustrations, fears, and yes, even anger! You get to have all of it!

      My best to you! Write any time!!

      Reply
    • Mary September 9, 2017 at 12:00 am #

      Our 31 year old son revealed to us 3 weeks ago that he is transgender. We had no idea. None. My husband and I are being very supportive. We love him/ her unconditionally. He has been married for 10 years. No children. They plan to remain married and seem happy. He has been on hormones for two months now. He sees a doctor monthly, a therapist every other week and is joining group therapy this month. I have been researching on line for information from parents of transgender adults, male to female. I have found lots of information about the physical side of this, but not much that provides insight about how to deal with the emotional and mental aspects of parents of transgender adults.There is a website called Reddit that my son, now daughter, recommended to us to read about stories people share about their own experiences as coming out as transgender. It is helpful. I’ve learned it is important to use correct pronouns – say she instead of he. Call her by her chosen female name. A very hard transition for me! Since there really aren’t physical changes yet it makes it even more difficult. I would think since there are children involved in your situation it would be even more difficult. I’m so glad to hear from someone dealing with very similar circumstances!

      Reply
      • transmom September 13, 2017 at 3:49 am #

        It is very difficult for parents- especially in the beginning of a transition! Whether it is “right or wrong”, we have our own dreams and expectations for our children. We wonder what we could of done anything differently (ummm-NO!) and we worry about their future (no person- trans or cis-gendered – is guaranteed a happy, stress-free life- NO one!). We have to realize that this is NOT about us, but about our child- no matter their age. We have to stretch ourselves to step up in ways we never imagined and find unconditional love in our hearts- no matter the fear. No matter our disappointment. No matter any anger. We have to suspend what we may think of as right or wrong and accept. We have to trust our kids. It ain’t easy, but we can do it!!

      • Mary September 13, 2017 at 2:56 pm #

        I can accept the situation on many levels. Fully support her decision as it is what she wants for herself and how she wants to live her life. As a mother it pulls at my heart strings. I have four children- three boys and a girl before I became aware of my youngest son’s transition. I was 42 when my youngest was born. Have so enjoyed having a girl, and now I have two! It’s very important for me to remain positive. My children are loved unconditionally. I just need to adjust my thinking to this new development. Before transitioning he had it all– good marriage, successful career, loving family. Happy life, I thought. It must have been miserable for her though. I just want her to be happy. It may not be what makes me happy, but it’s what makes her happy. We can’t live someone else’s life for them. I’m growing as a person because of her journey.

      • transmom September 14, 2017 at 4:22 pm #

        Thank you Mary!!! These revelations often take a LONG time for a part to accept. We do need to remind ourselves that while- from our outside perspective- their previous identity appeared to be “just fine”, they must have been in terrible pain and discord while coping! I hope while your new daughter’s contentment increases, so does your relief!

  179. Sandra Thompson August 27, 2017 at 11:39 am #

    Just reading the intro has reduced me to tears
    I don’t even know why I cry
    I don’t ask what I’ve done wrong
    I do not judge
    I don’t wish for anything else than the future happiness for my child
    But I don’t know how best to support them and am afraid of loosing her in the process
    I would love to read others experiences to help me support her

    Reply
    • transmom September 8, 2017 at 11:46 pm #

      Sandra, there are many entries to read here on my blog of others. They share your fear of losing your daughter-I certainly worried about the same! I had never before been a parent to a “male”- could I? How would I relate to them?
      For me, I learned to “get out of my own way”…i learned to take a deep breath and listen way more than I ever had. I learned to believe in my child and to trust him. I learned that time was a gift!

      Reply
  180. Suzan Jones August 28, 2017 at 1:58 am #

    I am concerned about my son who wants to be my daughter, this isn’t about supporting “her” I am looking for information on his behavior since taking hormones.
    This may come out wrong and I don’t mean to offend or stereotype but recently I have noticed that she is acting more like a guy then before.
    This sounds silly saying it out loud.
    Example: burping, messy, leaving the toilet seat up, dressing more like a guy then before, drinking beer instead of wine. Seriously sounds crazy but I really am confused. I brought this up a month ago. But now it’s worse. I see her becoming more like her dad is he confused or am I?
    On top of her getting mad when I call him my son or say he instead of she, but then gets mad when I tell someone he is transgender.
    I am going to find a counselor for myself soon

    Reply
    • transmom September 9, 2017 at 12:30 am #

      Hi Suzan! I don’t take offense at your description of your son and his behavior. I would be confused as well! You are denitely getting mixed signals!
      I am happy to hear you are willing to go to see a counselor! This is so important for your peace of mind! Perhaps after a bit you can have your son join you and be able to sort things out together! Meanwhile, know that many of our kids do not want their parents or family members discussing or revealing their transitions. And some of our children are expressing themselves in unique ways that challenge societal norms! That’s why ongoing and honest communication is critical.

      When you share your experiences, try to speak from a personal standpoint. Have your sentences begin with “I. Your feelings are your own and can’t be discounted! In other words, try saying, “I’m frustrated because I’m not sure of what to expect. I feel like at times you are even more masculine and yet I hear you want to be a female. I’m confused”. He will take that in much better than if you say, “You are confusing! You are behaving more like a guy!” When it is stated as an “I message”, is is much less accusatory and his response should be less defensive.

      Keep hanging in there! Remember, you are NOT alone!

      Reply
      • Suzan Jones September 9, 2017 at 2:12 am #

        Thank you!
        Your responses of support and others sharing their stories really help.
        Thank you!

      • transmom September 13, 2017 at 3:53 am #

        You are welcome, Suzan! We can all learn from one another and gain in knowing we are not the only parents out there that suffer in our own heads and hearts. But I truly believe that if we allow ourselves the full range of emotions: anger, disappointment, fear, loss….then we can embrace the new: knowledge, trust, acceptance, amazement, and faith!
        Keep hanging in there, Suzan!

  181. Mary September 3, 2017 at 8:00 am #

    My 31 year old son told me 2 weeks ago that he is transgender.He has been on hormone therapy about 6 weeks. We have always had a close bond. My response was that I want him to be happy. I have been very supportive. But I secretly cry when I am alone. I know in my mind she is the is the same person. There was never any sign that she was transgender except she was a very emotional child. She is educated, successful, married. Her wife is encouraging and wonderful about this change. They will stay married. She has only told a few people and all have been supportive.I worry about her safety in an unaccepting world. I am sure no one would make this decision unless they were certain this is what they want. She lives one thousand miles from me. I am having difficulty coping with this. I am using her new name and the proper pronouns most of the time. Inside, I still grieve for the son that is no longer the same. Anyone else coping with this at these early stages? I was 40 years old when I gave birth to her so I am not well versed in this subject. I am very open minded– this is just a new path for me.

    Reply
    • transmom September 9, 2017 at 12:38 am #

      Dear Mary,
      You are amazing already! Most moms really struggle with new names and new pronouns! You are REALLY doing a great job of embracing your new daughter: I applaud you because I know this is not easy!

      I believe we ALL cry-whether openly or not, it is our expression of fear as well as disappointment. Let’s face it, we didn’t plan for this-and you certainly didn’t see this coming! We want the best for our children-no matter their age!- and we know that this will not be an easy even given a supportive parent and spouse! Please allow yourself these different feelings ! Take care of yourself. Perhaps think about joining a parent group and finding a therapist that will support you along the way! My best to you!

      Reply
      • Mary Ellen July 24, 2018 at 4:10 pm #

        I have written twice before. This is an update. Our now 32 year old son told us in August, 2017, that he is transgender. What a year this has been! My other two comments will give you an overview of what had happened until early 2018. The last few months have been a roller coaster. My now daughter had been married for 11 years to a now-confessed lesbian. Until April I thought that marriage would remain in tact. We visited them in May, and found that our daughter was deep into smoking marijuana, not working at her co-founded company for any number of hours a week, and was like a person I did not know. I left with the feeling I had lost her forever. She and her wife agreed to try a triad. Very long story short, the third person in this triad became close enough to my daughters wife that they asked my daughter to live together on an as friends basis, while the other two pursued a romantic relationship. Before I go any further, please note that my daughter in law suffers from Behavioral Personality Disorder, and had been attacking my daughter for years mentally, making her feel so bad about herself that she rarely went out of the house, and never without her wig. My daughter had been miserable for years. The triad situation hit her hard. She didn’t feel like she could take care of herself, that she was totally dependent on her wife.
        She felt like she had no friends, no support system. When she left her home environment she discovered she had support from several people, people who offered not only emotional support, but the offer of staying with them until she could work out her situation. Of course, she also had us – her parents, and her other siblings. She drove to our house three days after the blow up and has been with us three weeks. With her sisters help, she has had her make up done to learn those techniques, her eyebrows done, bought new clothes, and now wears her own hair — it is beautiful, and no wig ever again! She has gained confidence everyday, has gone out on her own dressed as the woman she is, on a daily basis. She has been on self injected hormones for six months, and the difference is apparent. Her facial structure has changed, she has a lovely figure, is working on her female voice, and is content with herself to let changes happen as they will over time. She and her wife are getting a divorce. By mutual agreement. I am so proud of her for the strides she has made in the last two months. She is working again, no more smoking. She thought she was smoking about her transition but she was really smoking because her home life was so terrible. She has done a big turn around. After spending three weeks with her in the same house, I can easily accept her as female. She is female. Being with her has been a bonding experience. So I have come a long way in a year. All I can say is listen to your child (whatever the age), bond with them, accept them for who they truly are. They need you. And you need them!

      • transmom July 31, 2018 at 2:20 am #

        Wow! Thank you sooooo much for your update, Mary Ellen!! You have been through so much. You never gave up on your daughter and even through her really alternative living situation, smoking and being unproductive, you rallied in support of her!! I am certain that is why she is now doing well and on her way- because she feels loved and respected, thanks to you and your family!!
        I so appreciate your saying what I think the moms here need to be reminded…you said it perfectly:
        “Listen to your child (whatever the age), bond with them, accept them for who they truly are. They need you. And you need them!”
        May you continue to love and cherish your daughter! Thank you for being the role model here that we all need!

  182. Stacey September 16, 2017 at 12:00 pm #

    Thank you for this support. My Son is 27 and has decided to trans. He is dressing as a Woman at home but not yet in public. Today I will see him in female dress and meet his boyfriend. I feel almost like my precious Son has died. I knew before he was born that he would be different and special as his conception was a miracle. I knew I must have this child. I know now it was because I love him unconditionally and care so much. I need strength to do and act good around him as a Woman because it is so strange to me. I need some support and there aren’t many in my life I can talk to. Thanks for listening.

    Reply
    • transmom September 19, 2017 at 6:16 pm #

      Hi Stacey!
      I’m glad you are reaching out for help! You are so right- it’s easy to feel alone and unsupported when your child (no matter how old) transitions! Let’s face it, this is not exactly common and most people are just learning about what it means to be transgender!!
      Your feelings of loss and grieving (as if your son has “died”) are VERY common!! Most parents feel this way! But I hear how much you are willing to work through these feelings because you love your child unconditionally!! Good for you, and GREAT for your kid!

      I hope your meeting with your new daughter and her partner goes well! Please remind yourself that you get to take as much time as you need to get used to this change!! You are smart to embrace all the feelings- no matter positive or negative- rather than suppress them! Most of our children are so excited to FINALLY be able to express themselves, they often are not remembering this is not that exciting or easy for us as their parents! Stacey, I hope you will consider sharing that while you are fully committed to your daughter, you are struggling and need time and patience to become accustomed to this her new identity! Hugs to you!

      Reply
    • Mary September 19, 2017 at 8:43 pm #

      My 31 year old son told me six weeks ago he is transgender. He has been married 10 years to an understanding, loving woman. They will stay together. She is supportive and protective of his decision. Like you, at first I felt my son had died. He said to me “I’m still here, I’m the same as I was. I was just meant to be a female” I had no clue. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight and I was worried about his health. He began to let his hair grow. I noticed those changes, but it did not dawn on me that he was transgender. I cried for several days- would awaken at night and had cried in my sleep until my pillow was wet. I read everything I could get my hands on. I took his pictures down that had been on display at my house. I felt like he didn’t exist and I would be dealing with a female I didn’t know. He has always been an emotional child. But I thought that was a good thing–sometimes boys don’t handle their emotions well. Have always had a strong emotional attachment to him. I have been told this is a process. It takes time to accept. I use the correct pronouns when I speak of her and call her by her new name. But she still sounds like she always has, so right now it is harder for me to think female. She dresses as a female only at home right now. She loves make up and bubble baths and doing her hair. She has been on hormones for over two months. Right now she is an emotional roller coaster. The hormones are definitely kicking in. She is the same wonderful loving person she always has been. I know it’s not “my fault.” I know she needs unconditional support and love, which I freely give. There are many books to read on transgender but most of the ones I found at first addressed the physical side. I read until I understood that but am more interested in the emotional aspect. I’m reading “She’s Not There” by Jennifer Finney Boylan now. A story of a mtf that I have found helpful. I now understand transgender is not a sexual issue at all, but an identity issue. Give yourself time. I’m still very new at this too. I feel I have come a long way in a short period of time, but have a long way to go. Information and knowledge and sharing with others who are dealing with the same circumstances make me realize I am not alone. And you aren’t either. Eat me know how your journey progresses. Hugs!

      Reply
      • transmom September 24, 2017 at 9:37 pm #

        You are a SUPER STAR MOM, MARY! You HAVE come a long way in a short time! KEEP WORKING AT THIS! I know from experience this journey is not easy, but the longer you are at it, the more “normal” this becomes. I loved Boylan’s book- she is fabulous! I also recommend you reading Janet Mock’s, “Surpassing Certainty” and “Redefining Realness” ! Janet is incredibly articulate!
        The best to you! Keep us posted!

      • Mary January 16, 2018 at 8:33 pm #

        Update four months later—
        To refresh, my 31 year old son is transgender. She has now been on hormones for six months. She goes to a therapist and attends a support group. The shock of finding this out has truly changed my life and our family. When I last wrote I had only known this for 6 weeks. Her father and her sister are very accepting, knowing how important it is for our transgender son to have support and love and acceptance or we will lose our new daughter. I agree, I understand, and and on the surface I am very supportive. But in the silence of my mind I grieve for what I know I have lost. My child is the same inside as he was, I keep telling myself. But the daughter side combined with the part of the son I know no longer exists is a combination totally different from the person I knew before. She lives 1200 miles away but was here for Christmas. When she presented as male she was sad and depressed. She presented female one day she was here and her eyes sparkled and she smiled and she was happy. I know this is the right decision for her. But seeing her caused me so much pain I was under doctors care—she did not know this and I don’t want her to know the powerful effect this has on me. I was 40 when she was born, making me an older transgender mom. I have sought counseling but do not agree with the thoughts from the therapist. He concluded I will never accept this, will never be near enough in proximity to my new daughter to even know her. He told me I cherish family, am very attached to my long term relationships. He says I need to be totally honest with my new daughter about how I feel- I disagree because my daughter is very sensitive and it would hurt her deeply. I could never do that to her. I feel myself adjusting to the situation as long as I am away from it, but it is a shock to deal with this in person. He has been married 11 years, and wife has recently announced that she is bisexual. She has taken on the role of the man in the relationship. Very dominant, very protective and loves her husband to wife with all her heart. We are very blessed that we have her. I couldn’t deal with the transition on a daily basis. The pressure would be too much. I have multiple health problems that consume my way of life at this point. The journey through this change continues and my acceptance will come, I believe. But in my heart I miss my son. Seeing her over Christmas will be the last time I see the male version of her. I wanted one last picture of us together. My daughter-in-law was very against us doing that, but we did get the picture. Next time I see her she will present as female all the time. Sometimes I just put this out of my mind so I avoid dealing with it. Other times I confront it in my mind and become very sad. It’s a journey I am undertaking. I just never want to lose my child! I live in Saint Louis MO and would love to connect with a group facing the same challenges. Any suggestions?

      • transmom January 19, 2018 at 3:37 am #

        Hi Mary! You are being very brave to follow your heart even though unburdening yourself might give you relief. But because you are a dedicated and loving mother, you are will to sacrifice your own comfort for your son’s comfort! Blessings to you for that!

        I am sorry that you struggle so mightily…I wish there was something that I could say that could relieve you of that pain. Obviously I cannot. But I heard you say that you know this is a journey (albeit a painful one for you) and that you ARE willing to face this because you know the alternative would be to lose your child. You said, “…my acceptance will come, I believe.” This is HUGE for mothers (and fathers) out there to hear!! Thank you for continuing to believe, despite the pain it causes you!

        One thing you and I share in common is that both of our adult children went through (yours is currently going through) transitions out -of-state and far away from us. Believe me when I say that for me I considered this a blessing: I took the time I needed. I didn’t have to hide feelings of discomfort or pain. Instead, I came to my own reality at my own pace. I didn’t have to put away all the pictures he had requested until much later. I got to see-and react privately!!!- to pictures my son sent so that when I did see him (somewhat) transformed (it takes time for hormones to make effective changes!)- I was more “ready”. So, Mary, count these blessings in your journey!

        Also like you, my son had a partner that stayed by his side…and that was INCREDIBLY important for my son’s mental health and well-being- which, in turn, brought be a tremendous source of comfort. Again, Mary- a blessing to you in this journey!

        Thank you for your update! I will check out St. Louis groups and get back to you! Hugs and strength to you! You are a fantastic parent! How blessed is your child!!

      • transmom January 19, 2018 at 7:31 pm #

        Hi Again, Mary! Here’s a group in your area that would be worth reaching out to:

        thefamilyroomstl@gmail.com

        and if you check out this page, there are contacts at the bottom of the calendar of events! It also looks like a great support group!

        Events

        Good Luck!!

      • Mary January 19, 2018 at 7:38 pm #

        Thank you so much!

      • transmom January 20, 2018 at 10:10 pm #

        of course!!

      • hermom2015 February 14, 2018 at 6:37 pm #

        I know how you feel. However, I am fortunate that my now-daughter lives 20 minutes away. When she first started presenting as female, I invited her and my other daughter to go dress shopping for the other daughter’s wedding. As much as anything, I took her to the mall so that I could face my own discomfort. People did look at her, but every single clerk and dressing room attendant treated her like they would any other woman. It was awesome. I am no longer worried about what other people may think of her. She is the most brave person I have ever met in her quest to become her authentic self. Last week she had gender confirmation surgery out of state. I was with her for most of the week. Her boyfriend has been amazing at taking care of her. The surgery hit me harder than I had expected. I know it was the right thing for my beautiful girl, but the thought of such a profound change to the body of the little child I once raised haunts me. There are times when we do need help adjusting. Sounds like you and I are in the same boat right now. Best of luck finding support.

      • transmom February 25, 2018 at 12:46 am #

        Thanks soooo much “Her Mom 2015″…your message about loving support and acceptance is PERFECT TIMING for our newest mom, Jenn that is just now writing in and facing the same experiences! THANK YOU!!!

      • Mary February 10, 2018 at 10:36 pm #

        I’m back again with another update. To reflect, my 31 year old son told us in August he is transgender. In the six months since then my life has been a roller coaster of emotions. She is progressing well, taking larger doses of hormones and beginning to feel more comfortable as the female she is. She is beginning to escalate the process of electrolysis and has made an appointment with a transgender surgeon with a great reputation near where she lives. That won’t happen until December of this year, the surgeon is so in demand! That tells me there are many parents out there dealing with the same issues I am! I’m updating this because I had a wonderful revelation this week. I couldn’t wrap my head around why I had missed this significant issue in my child’s life. I couldn’t make any connection after going through her lifetime of pictures and my memory of her childhood. So I couldn’t connect. She sent me an article that she felt
        Might help me. I had always told him her she was a 10 year old with a 40 year old mind. Very very intelligent, so much so she didn’t fit in with her peers. Very
        creative, could learn how to do anything just by reading about it. Inventive, grew up in the computer age, invented programs and new ways of doing things with little effort. The article she sent me described a person who from puberty on was depressed, had no direction or ambition, had to pull herself out of bed day after day feeling life had no meaning, it was something to be endured, not enjoyed. No real purpose. This is how my child felt from puberty until she realized she was transgender. My heart breaks for her, but it also opened my eyes to me identifying with her. This person being described is her. I took it to be teenage anxiety. Those are such tough years for everyone. Now she tells me all her successes are all things that just fell in her lap. From middle school on she volunteered and then was paid for work she did with our country school system. That lead to a job, as she enrolled in college. She hated college— and went one year. Continued working for school system very successfully. Took a job with a tech company, a job that landed in his lap with no effort. Went on to work for a Fortune 500 company and moved to the northeast. Began her own start up company st age 28 and has seen unimaginable success with it. All this time feeling the same way as she did as a teenager. Lost, wandering through life, feeling she just needed to get through each day. Now she is happy, smiling, full of life when she presents as herself. Not quite ready to go full time as female, she becomes sad and depressed when she must present as male. In another couple of months she plans to present as female full time. Then she will truly be who she was born to be. The purpose of this writing is to say when I found an experience I shared with her and could relate to her unhappiness, understanding came easily. I can truly begin to understand and accept my daughter. I lived through her teenage years with her and can identify, but now that I know what truly was going on in her head, I am so joyous for her. I still have a lot to adapt to, and there will be some rough spots, but now she is my daughter. My child is melded together. I have not lost my son, he’s there, but my precious daughter is her true identity.

      • transmom February 14, 2018 at 5:41 pm #

        Mary, thank you so very much for taking the time to update all of us!
        It can be so very difficult for us to truly understand what motivates our children to make such significant changes in their lives! It helps all of us mothers to know that if we can just tap into a way to relate to our child’s emotional state, we can empathize and connect!

        I love hearing you so eloquently say,
        “My child is melded together. I have not l
        lost my son, he’s there, but my precious
        daughter is her true identity.”

        Thank you!

  183. KKP September 16, 2017 at 2:19 pm #

    Our 23 year old son is college graduate with a job he seems to be happy with (~4 mos). He had been seeing a therapist for about 6 months, at our encouragement. That started while he was in a job he was very unhappy in. He told me a month ago he is now exploring gender identity with a new therapist who is a specialist and says it has been very helpful. He has not been ready (or maybe able?) to answer more than that. Has not said he wants to be referred to as a she. I attended one appointment with him. He has two friends he has told – one he’s known 10 years (male), the other he met in college (female), and both seem to be very supportive to him. And until now he was not ready to share this with dad, he’s now planning to tomorrow. I’m nervous for this, but also relieved that I will not be holding a secret from my husband (who travels a lot for his work). I’m also nervous that my husband will struggle with not telling his parents until our child is ready (his father is a retired physician; and stepmom does not have it in her to hold confidential info even if asked). One area our child and I have some mild disagreement on is when he will discuss this with his brother who is a college student 800 miles away, just started a very aggressive/stressful program, year 3. Thus far, he agrees to not discuss it yet or not discuss it without giving me some notice. I am trying to look out for both of my kids. I meet with a therapist myself, which I started a couple weeks before my son confided in me…my mother was near end of life, husband has denial about alcohol abuse, I mostly needed some to talk to and give me some guidance, has turned into giving me help juggling lots of emotional issues.

    Am glad I found this site (side note: I wish most recent comments – some with helpful resources – were at the top vs. scroll down to bottom!). Thanks for this site.

    Reply
    • transmom September 19, 2017 at 6:31 pm #

      Hi KKP! Thanks for sharing your story AND your suggestion! I will look into seeing if there is a way for me to reorganize the page (I’m kinda lame tech-wise!).
      You are handling your situation is such a thoughtful and proactive manner- I give you a TON of credit! There are a lot of stressful dynamics surrounding you. My only caution is that you are consistently checking in with yourself to make sure YOUR needs are being addressed!!

      Hey- I get trying to structure your son’s coming out to their brother (whom they are already in a strained relationship!) so that both of your kids come out of this in a positive way!! That sooooo sounds like something I would try to arrange! But I will caution you that they are both adults and sometimes, they need to find their own way through situations. I just don’t want you to be disappointed if it is rocky at best!

      I personally think it’s best to have a discussion with your son about how he wants his disclosure to unfold….is he okay with you and your husband sharing this news with friends an family or does he want to do this personally (it probably is a good idea of a reminder of those folks who aren’t great remaining confidential!). Does he want you to send an email or call folks personally? What would that disclosure say? These are important because they set the tone for how he will be received and how folks respond to you and your family. If you state outright that you support this transition and welcome positive responses, folks won’t come looking to argue or give their negative opinions!

      I wish you the best at this challenging time! You are a loving and dedicated mother- your kid is so blessed to have you in his/he corner!!

      Reply
  184. lisa holman September 17, 2017 at 2:05 pm #

    I just found out yesturday that my son has been going to transgender therapy for a year and in little as a month he will start his hormone replacement therapy. I had no idea I always just knew he was different and loved him for it. I want to be the best for him and protect him with everything I am, but I know his world will be full of ridicule and persecution and I’m so scared for him and at the same time I’m feeling only what I can call the death of my son and what will be the rebirth of a daughter I have never known. I am so lost.

    Reply
    • transmom September 19, 2017 at 6:41 pm #

      I am sorry for your feelings of loss, Lisa. I so get it! I felt the same way initially! I felt like my head was swimming…my personal worries of “did I do something wrong?” seemed to be immediately replaced by feelings of fear. Like you, I STILL worry about out crazy world and how my kid might be hurt- I am worrier. I also worried about our relationship: I had only been a mother to girls- could I be as connected to a son?

      I want you to know that the feelings of loss subsided quickly as soon as I was in a place to really accept my kid and receive him in his new identity! I know that, in time, this will be the same for you!

      Meanwhile, please allow yourself these feelings- none are really “negative”! Every feeling is legitimate. I hope you will read “Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock.

      My best to you! Continue being the lovely, supportive and accepting mother that your child is blessed to have!

      Reply
  185. Vicky September 24, 2017 at 2:42 pm #

    I have a very beautiful daughter who came out as transgender at the age of 8 -and transitioned at the age of 11. She is 18 in 2 weeks. She is doing amazingly well and taking a levels with 2 jobs and a full life. I however have reached disparity. I have never felt with my feeling. I have never talked about anything. I have supported her all the way but never had support. I fee lost, in pain and I am grieving for the little boy I had. Please don’t get me wrong I totally accept her but I have spent all my time loving her and I’m lost. Can anyone here relate? Xxx

    Reply
    • transmom September 24, 2017 at 9:41 pm #

      I’m sorry that you still remain in pain after all these years, Vicky! Since your daughter is doing so well, it is obvious that she has relished and prospered thanks to your support over the years!

      I do not experience the same pain or loss that you do, but I hope someone reading here will identify and comment!

      Meanwhile, please know that it is NEVER to late to receive meaningful support from a therapist! I hope you will consider seeking out counseling! My very best to you!!

      Reply
  186. Sheila October 2, 2017 at 5:10 pm #

    I need help learning and dealing with my 23 year old trans son

    Reply
    • transmom October 3, 2017 at 5:04 am #

      Hi Sheila! Welcome! That’s around the same age as when my son transitioned! I hope I can help be of support! What’s going on?

      Reply
      • Sheila October 4, 2017 at 4:00 pm #

        Oh my gosh where do I begin? My son has been fighting addiction since he was 14 years old and we just always thought this was related to that. He’s on probation for things he did when he was under the influence of drugs And now he’s wanting to come out and be a she and he’s willing to put his freedom on the line and is heading to prison because he can’t do what he needs to stay out of trouble because the need to be a female is stronger than his desire for freedom. I believe this has been his reason for doing drugs all along. I’m just feeling so lost and helpless. Thanks for being an emotional outlet!

      • transmom October 9, 2017 at 4:28 pm #

        Absolutely, Sheila- write anytime!! What a frustrating road you have traveled! Sometimes we have to just “Let Go”…we parent the best way we know how to do. We love our kids as much as we can demonstrate. But at some point, our kids do need to find their own path to peace. Addiction can be related to so very many things- I have endured the pain of it with my beloved family, so I understand your pain! I really hope that your child finds peace and a place of contentment and do YOU!!!

      • Sheila October 9, 2017 at 5:32 pm #

        Thank you and that’s what I’m trying to do. I see no other direction to go.

      • transmom October 10, 2017 at 5:44 pm #

        Please always remember that you do this out of love! Your kid is worth it!!! Hang in!!

  187. Marcia October 2, 2017 at 10:31 pm #

    I cannot believe it. My son never acted as a girl when young despite given ample opportunity

    Reply
    • transmom October 3, 2017 at 5:10 am #

      Hi Marcia! I bet it is hard to take in when this is a completely new an unexpected revelation! Think of someone like Caitlyn Jenner. She lived for over SIXTY years (married multiple times with children!) without letting the world discover her true identity! She is just ONE- sooooo many other folks have hidden their truth in fear of rejection and (as you are experiencing) disbelief!
      Believe your child! NO ONE would ask to go through this pain and struggle if it wasn’t absolutely necessary!

      Reply
      • Marcia October 3, 2017 at 11:45 am #

        I am not up to this task, I want to die. I will get a therapist referral tonight. I know I need to be present and strong for all of my children. I feel awful. I never should have had children.

      • transmom October 3, 2017 at 11:10 pm #

        Marcia, I am so worried reading this. I know getting to a therapist ASAP is extremely important! Your children are NOT a mistake. You can be there for them AFTER you take care of yourself! PLEASE seek help immediately! Doing so WILL make the difference!

      • Natalie October 4, 2017 at 12:44 am #

        You can do this you can help yr self be strong it doesn’t matter about anyone else all that matters is we all stay strong and seek help if yr struggling because it is a struggle but you can get though it don’t give up

      • transmom October 9, 2017 at 4:20 pm #

        You are so right, Natalie!! Thanks for your encouragement to Marcia!!

      • Sheila October 4, 2017 at 3:44 pm #

        This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. My husband is so anti gay/trans etc… but I love my child so much and I’m not sure how to move forward

      • transmom October 9, 2017 at 4:20 pm #

        Sheila, I bet you feel totally caught in the middle!
        First off, I want you to know that I have known other women in similar situations!! And they managed to find ways to work out solutions- some not ideal for them- but solutions that they are at least content with.
        At present, I do not think you can find a resolution or be supportive to your child (or to YOU and your husband!!) if you let this unfold by itself. I’m guessing this will be difficult- but it will require action on your part to find peace!
        Of course this depends upon your personal values, your relationship with your husband, and the roles you both maintain in your marriage, but I am one that believes I (as an individual and as a mother) have the RIGHT to decide which relationships are important to me and those relationships I will maintain. I would never be able to ignore or disown my child even if that was the choice of my spouse. Frankly, that wouldn’t be an option that I could consider. You will have decide what it is that you want. Are you willing to explain to your husband that he may choose to cut off his relationship with his child, but you are unwilling. Perhaps he needs to feel the pain of such a loss before he can himself extend himself to his child and let go of his previous denouncement? Can you both live with “agreeing to disagree”?
        I always recommend counseling because I know how much it has helped so many individuals, including myself! It can be a huge GIFT to have someone mediate this very difficult situation!! Please consider.
        I wish you comfort and strength!

      • Sheila October 9, 2017 at 5:57 pm #

        I couldn’t agree with you more. I love my husband but my child will forever be a huge part of my life and I can’t and won’t ever imagine otherwise.

      • Jody October 9, 2017 at 4:09 pm #

        As the mother of a MTF transgender 26 year old, I do so empathize with the many emotions we moms are going through. I have been all over the map with this. This is by far has been the most challenging experience of my life as a mother. In the end, for me, I can do nothing but love my child. She has no choice but to be who she is. If there was choice involved, who on earth would chose to endure what I know she endures everytime she goes out the door (she’s tall, has not started with hormones yet, and simply does not come close to “passing” as she looks right now.) She recently had a job offer rescinded because of her “transness”. She is one of the kindest and bravest people I know. She always has been. That essential quality that was him and now is her has not changed. For me it is still hard to see her in full dress and I have to keep moving forward with that. I believe it takes time and I try to be patient with myself. It is a transition for all of us, the one thing that has stayed constant is the love I have for this person that is my child. My wish for myself and all of us on this site is one of peace and acceptance. Love wins.

      • transmom October 9, 2017 at 4:46 pm #

        Dear Jody,
        You are a ROCK STAR momma- so eloquent in your sharing of your story!

        Like you, I always think that our (collective) trans-kids are unbelievably strong!! When we witness such an inner struggle to only be met with societal punishment, we KNOW anyone willing to endure this HAS to KNOW that this journey is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!!

        We continue to love and support. That’s an incredibly important gift we are in the position of giving our children. The deserve our respect and appreciation!!!

        Keep rockin’ it, Jody!

    • Beth October 4, 2017 at 2:03 pm #

      Marcia, you are in my prayers.

      Reply
  188. Kay Crane October 3, 2017 at 12:54 am #

    One year ago my son age 42 got his girlfriend my niece ugh to tell me about his transgendering. I was shocked but instantly okay with it maybe not okay is the right word but accepting because it was my child. It’s been a year-and-a-half and I still not sure how to deal with it I love him her he gets mad when I say the word he or call him by his regular name but I’ve only had a minute to do with it he’s had a lifetime I just need some help or someone to talk to and how to deal with my child which I love

    Reply
    • transmom October 3, 2017 at 5:19 am #

      Hi Kay!
      You are not alone: most moms and family members find it difficult to make NEW habits like using a new name and the new pronouns….especially after 42 years. However, it is REALLY important to understand that their new name and pronoun choice is integral to who they now identify as! Since it has been a year and a half, I ask you to consider how critical this is and be ready to be careful and contentious whenever you see your daughter. Making that effort will mean so much to her! It is proof of your acceptance- that you are willing to accept her as she is. Just you really trying -showing your effort- will make a difference in your relationship!

      Reply
  189. krystie October 3, 2017 at 11:57 pm #

    Help me please to understand how my beautiful baby girl now is transgender and wants to raise my granddaughter as neutral so she can decide for herself. I’ve known about her bisexuality since she was 14 ,she is now 22 and marriedto a man and they have a partner who is transgender ftm minus his bottom surgery. I met him as a male so I don’t have an issue with the partner. I feel like i am experiencing a loss and am grieving for my baby girl.

    Reply
    • transmom October 6, 2017 at 7:20 pm #

      It’s a brave new world, Krystie! I’m 61 and I sure didn’t grow up understanding such life decisions! There was a girl’s line and a boy’s line. I’m sure there were a lot of kids wondering if, given the choice, they would like to stand in the other line, but all such feelings or contemplations were forbidden. NO ONE DARED to question social expectations!

      So here we are in 2017 and our children and our grandchildren DO make decisions about identity and how they assist their children in discovering their own identities. I hope my experience will help you: I have learned that my ways of thinking or doing things are not exclusively “right”! They may be right for me and for many of my friends. My expectations, however, belong to me and I can’t expect everyone else to be on board. Honestly, I have learned that there are many other ways to live happily- perhaps I wouldn’t choose these lifestyles or values- but they are just as valid and absolutely as reasonable as mine! Who am I to stand in judgement of my children and their desires and dreams? MI’m guessing we, as parents, are not very dissimilar: my goal was to raise healthy, happy and productive children. My prayers were answered: my children ARE happy and healthy and productive. While one chooses to lead a life very similar to mine, the other is much more alternative. Would I live his life? Nope- but that doesn’t make his life any less “valid” or “legitimate” than mine!

      I hope you are able to learn and trust your child. No, you dont’ have to love your kids’ choices, or agree with them, but I think you should continue to value, love, and respect them without change!

      Reply
    • Jody October 9, 2017 at 9:19 pm #

      Oh Krystie, it truly is a new world! My oldest just had her second child, a baby girl, and I have to say I have been much more thoughtful in regards to how I think about her gender. Our first grandchild is a boy, a very “stereo-typical” boy from birth (loves wheels, vehicles of any kind, etc.) He also wanted his mother to paint his nails after she had given herself a manicure, which she did and he loved it. I can’t help wondering how we as a society have gotten so rigid in our thinking of what defines us as “girlie” or “boyie”. How many children don’t get to explore what they wish they could because it’s not acceptable to the adults around them. I have been given a child, who is now an adult, and can no longer conform. It was literally killing her, to try and be a him. On the night that she came out to us, 1 week before Christmas last year, my husband’s final take on it was; “I’d rather have a live daughter than a dead son”, and that was where we were headed. I believe each one of us has a path we are on. For sure, I have had many moments of doubt, rage, despair, joy, and gratitude for this road I’m on. The same thing goes for my children. The only thing I can do is love, support and encourage them to live their lives well, with honesty and love for themselves and those who cross their paths. Here’s to us. Here’s to Tansmom for getting this wonderful site going! You ROCK!!

      Reply
      • transmom October 11, 2017 at 4:47 am #

        Thank you, Jody! You made my day!!! Yes- Let’s celebrate US!!! Great moms, finding love and celebrating our kids!!

  190. taryn ellis October 8, 2017 at 9:31 pm #

    We are just starting our journey. My daughter has been unhappy for a very long time. And, now I am relieved to find out that she knows what has been making her unhappy.
    She has lived as a male her entire life. And, I am so blessed that she trusted me enough to write the letter that has changed our lives.
    She can finally accept herself and get to the business of living her dreams and the life she was meant to live!

    Reply
    • transmom October 9, 2017 at 4:38 pm #

      I am so happy that you are relieved, Taryn!
      While not easy, this kind of revelations mean we, as mothers, have to appreciate the pain and anguish this journey can initially be for our children. At the same time, we also need to accept their decisions to follow their new path and find out how best to support them!

      And look at you already using her chosen pronouns- you are a terrific model for all of us in how we can successfully respect and show up for our children in positive ways! It’s not easy to do after parenting your child there entire lives using a different name and pronouns!

      THANK YOU, Taryn, for sharing your ability to find the blessing in a difficult time!

      Reply
  191. Jody October 13, 2017 at 4:00 am #

    This site is such a gift to all of us. I have gained so much from reading all the posts. So many similarities and so much love.
    I wanted to share a conversation I recently had with my “new” daughter who has been dealing with some significant mental health challenges, much of it I believe related to being transgender. She was getting ready to go back to her apartment to take a shower before going out and I said something to the effect of how good I thought a shower would be, as it was hot out. She responded with hesitation and explained that taking a shower often times makes her anxious because she is so uncomfortable with what she sees. I just sat there with my mouth hanging open.
    Of all things to not be able to enjoy… a nice hot shower. I’m so grateful she is able and willing to share this with me but it breaks my heart just the same. She is planning on starting hormones next month so I’m hoping that helps the process begin in earnest.
    It’s going to be a long journey. For you moms who have young ones that are telling you they are not the gender they were born as, please think about this. My daughter did not say that, she told us she was gay. She tried! Boy did she try! I wish she had said something. She now admits to knowing she did not feel like a he, but was so afraid of that feeling she tried to bury it.
    Well, it’s never too late to be the woman you really are! Gonna take a bit longer, be a little more painful (electrolysis😩😩), and I’m not sure what else, but she’ll get there, I am sure. A day at a time.

    Reply
    • transmom October 13, 2017 at 8:00 pm #

      Thanks for your heartfelt message, Jody! What a loving and supportive mother you are!! Your reflections help other moms that are struggling….sometimes it would not occur to us just how deeply painful this process is for our children!

      So many trans children and adults try to hide and fight this truth because there is so VERY much shame associated with being transgender!
      While I sometimes struggle with looking in the mirror and being unhappy with the growing number of wrinkles and the extra weight I carry, I cannot come close to fathoming the actual PAIN and ANGUISH that exists for our children when what they see reflected is NOT what aligns and supports how they identify emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually!!

      I remember my son’s binder causing him to suffer with back pain on a daily basis. How can that bring anyone joy? Yes, one would have greater likelihood of “passing”, but only to be CONSTANTLY reminded in the most negative of ways that they are NOT “right” or they are “flawed”. What kind of life is that?!! One that is NOT as life is intended, I will tell you that!!

      Our children DESERVE the same joy and anticipation of success as anyone each morning when they rise! They NEED our love along this journey because it often is physically painful and psychologically agonizing to walk this path toward their truth!

      As loving mothers, we can ask and listen! We can hug and hold.
      We can reach our and ask, “How can I help?”
      We can remind,”I love you! I am here for you! I believe in you!”

      Reply
  192. Patty October 24, 2017 at 2:44 pm #

    Just to hear “you are not alone” is so helpful. I am quite sure there isn’t a anyone near my small rural village of Fredonia, WI. Looking for other friends smilies…to connect, relate and cope.

    Reply
    • transmom October 24, 2017 at 8:33 pm #

      It can feel lonesome, Patty! I felt alone even in a huge city- I didn’t know any other parents with a kid in transition or any gender differences, so I was also at a loss! That’s why we are here!! Please let us know how you are feeling and what you are going through!! I know your story will resonate with others in your similar circumstances right now….and , I’m sure there will be one of us moms that has already experienced similarly and can speak to their experiences!!

      Reply
  193. Debbie November 14, 2017 at 6:32 pm #

    I feal I was robed of a doughter, it’s like she died I’m in so much pain. Yet I feal the need to be thair for her /him. The love s still thair and pawerfull. I feal so award around her/him. Het I feal never need to be thair for him but I can’t stop the grieving fir my Doughter.

    Reply
    • transmom November 16, 2017 at 3:47 am #

      Debbie, thanks for writing. I want you to know that most of the mothers that have visited this site have felt the same way as you do now. I did myself, too.

      I want you to know that over time, just like the grief you feel after an actual death, there comes a time when your feelings are not so raw anymore. A time will come when you will recognize and accept your child as who they are NOW before you have these feelings of missing the child you recognized before.

      What will get you through this current pain and loss? Time and your unconditional love! You are committed to being your child’s mother no matter what. Whether they are sick, or whether they are healthy- you will be there for them. Whether they are successful or whether they struggle financially- you will be there with encouragement and understanding. And so it is with their transition to another gender. You will still be their mom and still love them…no matter their name, how they dress or how they wear their hair. You love them and these outward appearances do NOT diminish your child and they do NOT diminish your love or commitment for your child!

      So accept the pain and grief for now, Debbie. It’s real and you are supposed to have feelings when there is such a huge change that happens that you control. This can be really hard! But at the same time, please work at acceptance. Know that there are thousands of mothers out here that understand! Know that we mothers and have come to accept and feel comfortable with our children. We all love our children NO MATTER WHAT!

      Reply
  194. Donna Louise Davis November 26, 2017 at 4:22 am #

    Thank you for this website. I feel lost. I just recently found out my son is transgender.

    Reply
    • transmom December 1, 2017 at 4:12 pm #

      Hi Donna!
      I’m sorry I’m just now answering-I was actually out of state visiting my son!
      I am here to tell you it’s gonna be okay!! I know with your head spinning this may be hard to believe! I felt just as you did (almost 5 years ago!)-I couldn’t sleep-my thoughts were consumed with every question under the sun! I knew no one in my position and nothing about transgender folks or transitioning! I worried it was something I had done-or hadn’t done (WRONG!). I worried he would never find love or have a family (WRONG!). I worried that people I knew and family wouldn’t accept him (happily in our case: WRONG!!). I was embarrassed. I was sad. I was scared. I was worried.
      Donna, I learned to be proactive. I had to realize that my journey was not going to be like anyone else’s. I needed to find support (like you are now). I had to forgive myself that I may need time to process all of this slower than my son might like. I needed to learned that I really DID love unconditionally-and when I was able to tap into that (believe me-that was NOT immediate), I was able to find comfort!
      Donna, if you are on FB, you can find my page there (same name as my blog) and you can private message me-we can talk!!
      Meanwhile-hang in and BREATHE DEEPLY ❤️

      Reply
  195. Angela Garreffa December 22, 2017 at 8:10 pm #

    My 25 year old daughter just decided to transition after having a nightmarish unwanted pregnancy that brought her body dysforia to light . After 25 years it’s hard to remember in some instances to just the new name and gender grammer. Also living in such a fundamental Christian area it’s hard to trust who to talk to.

    Reply
    • transmom December 24, 2017 at 12:24 am #

      That must be such a worry for you on so many levels, Angela! My son was your daughter’s age when (at that time, “she”) decided to transition. The pronoun thing was hard for me!- but even harder for my husband. People (in general) don’t get how this is INCREDIBLY important for folks that are transitioning!! It is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids: Honoring and respecting them through use of their chosen name and pronouns! I hope you will keep trying!!
      The trust thing is crucial so your “mommy instinct” is working and I think you will do well by continuing to listen to your gut and tap into your instincts! Just because someone is a family member or a long- time friend, doesn’t mean they will be understanding. Some folks think those titles (grandparent, friend, neighbor, co-worker) give them access to sharing their (well-meaning and well-intended) opinions. But here’s what I have learned: This is not a time for folks weighing in. This is a time for your child to be supported in “no matter what-ness”! So it’s up to them who they want to know and how they would like this to be disclosed! This is a great conversation to have, sitting down in a relaxed state! Let your child know you would like to respect them and want to ask them how they feel about disclosure. In my case, our son was open to use sharing his news: we had face-to-face meetings with really close friends and family (small meet-ups), calls to friends and family who live a distance, and emails and letters to others. You can check out “Our Disclosure Letter” on my blog from April 15, 2012!.
      The very best to you, Angela! You are a loving mother- your child is blessed!

      Reply
  196. Tracy Martin December 27, 2017 at 1:31 am #

    I am am mother of a transgender male. From Julia to James. As of 3 weeks ago for me, 3 yrs for him. Still trying to accept emotionally. Logically, ok. Tough, but am supportive of him. Need to talk to other parents going or have gone through this for help. Husband no talk, but ok. I cry daily for loosing my girl. Not sure i like the boy he is becoming. Looking for help, please.

    Reply
    • transmom December 27, 2017 at 7:59 pm #

      Hi Tracy! Are you on FB? If so, you can go to my page ,Transforming Love:
      https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog
      and private message me. We can then set up a time to talk by phone! I know this can be a tough time! I hope you will also look back to the many, many messages from other mothers! You will see that you are not alone in this struggle!

      Reply
  197. Tammy December 29, 2017 at 2:52 am #

    My 30 year old son told me that last night if he is transitioning into a woman. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel. I love him that doesn’t change, nothing will ever change that. I need support. I hope you can help you? Tampies01@gmail.com

    Reply
    • transmom December 31, 2017 at 11:19 pm #

      Hey Tammy!
      I can already tell that your son-now-daughter is one blessed kid! This is a difficult challenge for most parents so I give you SO MUCH credit for FIRST making this news about your love for him!

      There is no right or wrong or expected way to feel- in fact, along this new journey, you may feel many different emotions. Like waves, they may come and go until there is a time when it’s hard to remember your child as their former selves! I, personally, never thought that would ever be the case after having a daughter for 25 years, but it has become a truth for me. I also thought, “My life will never be the same (boo hoo)”. But I found out I was not alone on this road and the focus wasn’t really about loss at all!

      The focus of this journey is really about love. It’s about stretching what you thought was expected and right and making your life with your kid, instead, around support and acceptance. It’s about seeing the world from their eyes and feeling blessed that you have someone that incredibly brave and honest to show you that life can be about change and authenticity!

      If you would like to speak to a great friend of mine whose son transitioned as an adult, I know she would be of great support! If you are interested, please go to my FB page Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children and private message me there. I will chat with you more!

      https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog

      Until then- hang in! You are a loving mother who is going to be just fine!! HUGS!

      Reply
  198. Gayle January 11, 2018 at 2:45 pm #

    Need support contact for transgender mtf in Kentucky please.

    Reply
    • transmom January 12, 2018 at 1:53 am #

      Hi Gayle! What area or closest big city in Kentucky?

      Reply
      • Gayle January 12, 2018 at 3:45 am #

        Louisville or Lexington

      • transmom January 12, 2018 at 3:57 pm #

        Hey, Gayle! Have you tried:

        Home

        or

        https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/transgender/kentucky

        or

        http://www.pflagcentralky.org/
        or

        https://www.uky.edu/lgbtq/transform-health

        or

        http://www.uky.edu/lgbtq/forms-and-resources

        this last link has several groups listed for different communities- some are more political, but some might be great to call just to ask if they have connections to what specifically you are looking for- it may be a therapy specialist or a group to connect with…don’t be afraid to call and chat with folks with any of the above!!

        Good luck!! Thanks for reaching out: this is EXACTLY how you make progress and make peace!

      • Gayle January 12, 2018 at 8:25 pm #

        Thank you!

      • transmom January 13, 2018 at 4:05 pm #

        You are most welcome! Remember, Gayle, there are many moms that check in that would be interested in YOUR experiences- what you have found helpful, what works and doesn’t…please consider sharing your story here!

  199. Lee January 13, 2018 at 5:50 pm #

    Hello and thank you, for your support.

    Reply
  200. Shelley January 28, 2018 at 1:49 pm #

    I’ve just read what I’ve been feeling for months!

    Reply
    • transmom January 28, 2018 at 8:47 pm #

      You are NOT alone, Shelley!!!! Hang in!

      Reply
  201. Jen February 24, 2018 at 10:19 pm #

    Everything is going to fast!! My son just came out and want to transition NOW He starts hormones this coming month want to wear women’s clothes ect I feel he will be ridiculed and fired. He doesn’t have a style at least an acceptable one for public. I’m so very sad for him and so very sad for me. Self pity I’m sure. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t start calling him she and his new name yet….major overwhelmed here

    Reply
    • transmom February 25, 2018 at 12:44 am #

      I Hear you Jen!!…all us moms here understand how this is so MUCH to handle in a short time!!

      Here’s what sounds like is going on (to me, anyway)…while you are just now having the opportunity to “get on board”, your kid has been thinking about this for- well, probably what seems like forever for her (probably should start practicing correct pronouns now, right?!)! She’s OVERLY ready to be her authentic self which includes new pronouns and maybe a new name. And while I am sure she desires to “pass”, she’s already wrapped her head around dressing as a woman- passing or not. But I get your fears for her- this is not easy for a parent!!

      Have you sat down calmly with her to discuss all your thoughts? Have you said, “Look, I love you, but I am feeling so overwhelmed and worried that I am having a hard time!” Use “I messages”! This is about YOUR worries and YOUR concerns!!

      I suggest that you write a list of every little thing that you are concerned about- this gets it (somewhat) out of your head and on to paper and organizes you for your chat. Think about everything from her appearance to her job to possible ridicule to family and friends’ reactions. How would she like you to disclose this to others? What does she need from you to feel emotionally supported? After all, the more you know, the better you will feel! I am guessing she has already considered MOST of these topics already and has discussed them with friends.

      Jen, know that you will need time. Let your child know that up front.

      And if you feel she is lacking in the style department, I suggest you take a hearty deep breath and offer to go out shopping with her!! That was my very first “act” as a mom of a trans-adult child….I won’t lie: I was super nervous and it was awkward! I recommended stuff that my son completely rolled his eyes over….but I was sooooo proud of myself going into men’s dressing rooms and stepping up for my kid! It was a major bonding experience for us! I highly recommend it- not sayin’ it’s easy, but if you can do it, it would be nice to try. Let her lead the way and use phrases like, “You might want to consider something more conservative for work…” rather than saying, “That’s inappropriate!” Again, ” I messages” can work well: “I try to wear more muted tones so I don’t draw a lot of attention to myself when I’m trying to be professional”, for example.

      Regardless of if you try the shopping venture, or just the conversation, I wish you the very best on the beginning of your important journey, Jenn! Know that you are NOT alone!! Write and keep us posted!!

      Reply
    • transmom February 25, 2018 at 12:47 am #

      Jen- Check out the messages from other moms like “hermom2015”- you will feel relieved to know it gets BETTER!

      Reply
    • Mary February 25, 2018 at 6:54 am #

      My 31 year old son, now daughter, came out to us six months ago. I’ve come a long way since then. She has been on hormones for seven months now and plans to present as female full time next month. She is so happy presenting as female, so sad when presenting male. We accepted her decision unconditionally, as we didn’t want to lose her. One of the most important things to her is that we use the right pronouns and her female name. She feels validated by that. When we first found out, I had many problems with accepting this. I saw a counselor and am now seeing a psychiatrist. This has not been easy for me. My first thought was the unconditional love I have for my child. Accepting this is a process. It takes time. Give that to yourself. And be accepting to her, even if you are still going through your process of accepting this. My daughter has been married for 11 years and has an accepting wife. She leans on her for fashion advice. If your daughter has a female friend you might guide her to check with her for fashion advice. Someone in her age group. I am an older mom and would be of no help to my daughter. It sounds like your new daughter is very excited about her transition. Try to be excited for her when you are around her, even if your heart isn’t totally accepting yet. You will get there! You are definitely not alone! Good luck to you and your family.

      Reply
      • transmom February 25, 2018 at 11:01 pm #

        Thank you so much for sharing an update, Mary! It is ALWAYS helpful to the many moms that read here! Finding an experience that rings true or emotions shared that are similar to one’s own, help our mothers remember that our is a unique journey that requires -no, DEMANDS, patience, acceptance, and forgiveness!
        I loved when you said:
        “Try to be excited for her when you are around her, even if your heart isn’t totally accepting yet. You will get there! You are definitely not alone!”

  202. Lisa February 25, 2018 at 12:52 am #

    My daughter wants to be a boy and he is 15 I wish my kid was old enough right now to make hes own decisions but he’s not I have to make it for him and I’m scared because I don’t know if it’s the right decision scared Lisa of New York

    Reply
    • transmom February 25, 2018 at 2:12 am #

      Hey Lisa! You are right…this is not something a child can go through or decide independently. You are a loving mother that is scared for good reason…you want to know if this is the right decision for your child!

      Every child has his/her own journey. But as parents, we need to make sure they are going about their choices thoughtfully. I HIGHLY recommend you speak to your daughter’s physician privately before you meet with them with your child! You need to know that they won’t automatically encourage or discourage your child…your child needs professionals that will find out if this truly is the path meant for them.

      I also HIGHLY suggest counseling…this needs to be someone that is experienced with teen gender issues in particular!

      Let your daughter know that this is a process…it does not happen overnight (teens in particular may have been harboring this desire for years and are especially impatient!)…and that you will make sure you go about this is a manner in which will be supportive and safe! MOST IMPORTANTLY, let your daughter know she is loved NO MATTER WHAT!! It s okay for you to say you are scared…this is new to you…you don’t know any trans-folks and so you yourself need guidance….but that you will walk through this journey with your child. She needs to know that you are not shutting her out. For her (possible) transition (or not- we don’t know yet) to be successful, you need to be able to speak and share openly and be there for each other.

      Lastly, please look for a support group – one that has teens for her and other parents that you can relate to is best. Please trust me- this can make a HUGE difference for both of you!!!

      Let me know if you need help finding resources close to you…I am willing to research. Hugs to you, Loving Mother Lisa!!

      Reply
  203. Melanie Saccuzzo March 3, 2018 at 2:41 am #

    Tomorrow our family is going to our first support group for transgender kids. I have one daughter, and 3 sons. My 9 year son has shown signs of being “born in the wrong body,” since he first started playing with toys. I am stressed, confused, scared and anxious to finally get some support. I’ve cried all day, fought with my husband and mother in law and feel overwhelmed. Could any of you point my in the right direction for a online support group? Thanks for reading.

    Reply
    • transmom March 4, 2018 at 2:37 am #

      Hi Melanie! Welcome!
      Lots of moms write in to chat here as well as read the MANY comments from earlier months…you are NOT alone at this new, difficult time!! I encourage you to read some of my blogs wherein I describe the same feelings you are going through- being scared for my child while simultaneously feeling so completely overwhelmed with what it all meant! I started this blog in 2012, so there are many different pieces to check out. I wish I knew a diffinitive chat group, but I do not. I AM happy to connect you with other moms you can chat with via phone, but I bet you will meet some great ones at your new group!! If after your group, you would still like to connect, please send me a private facebook message at:
      https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog
      and I can talk privately with you there!!

      I think your new support group will be so incredibly important for all of you! You will be able to connect IN PERSON with others that have experienced and are experiencing the same things you are! Your child will be thrilled to feel free to express himself and know that others just “get him” and he won’t have to explain himself or feel judged!! I’m so happy you have found a group near you!!

      Perhaps folks there will be able to suggest other supports in your area: physicians, how to navigate the school communities, and good therapists (that was HUGE for me!).

      I wish you the best and look forward to hearing from you as you navigate these new waters!! Strength and the best to you!! You are already doing such a terrific job!!

      Reply
  204. Monica March 3, 2018 at 4:05 pm #

    Hello. I am pretty sure my four year old is transgender. He is showing all the signs. Loves mermaids, asks to wear dresses everyday and is starting to feel uncomfortable with anyone seeing his genitals. He says he’s a girl all the time, but now seems confused about his gender. He knows his genitals say ‘boy’ but he feels like a ‘girl’. He gets very frustrated doing daily basic things. He is so jealous of his little sister who’s just 15 months younger than him. He hits her and tells her he doesn’t like her all the time. For no reason. I think he wishes he was a girl too. He’s started showing signs since he was 3years old. I’m having a really hard times coming to terms with this. I desperately need a support group on how to handle this. When I ask him if he wants to be a girl he says no. But I know he’s just saying that because he’s trying to suppress his feelings. Can anyone give me some tips on how to help him feel comfortable coming out? He looks like he’s ashamed, or embarrassed. I just want him to feel like himself!!! Anyone in the Long Beach,Ca area? I need a group because I’m feeling so lost and confused myself.

    Reply
    • transmom March 4, 2018 at 2:48 am #

      Hi Melanie!! You are so loving and open to be willing to see and want to understand your child’s challenges right now!

      There is FABULOUS group that was my lifeline 5 years ago in Los Angeles…they have a chapter in Long Beach!! Because we want to insure our children’s safety, it is a private group. So please private message me on FB at my FB page for this blog so that I can help you connect with them!! https://www.facebook.com/transforminglove
      If you can’t get on FB, please message me again here and we will figure something out 🙂

      Reply
  205. Linda S Dawson March 17, 2018 at 12:47 am #

    This week my 59yr old husband coded.after 24hrs, his 3 life supports ended and he passed away. He suffered 7yrs with a rare brain disease,that finally took his life. The next day,my 39yr old son, my only son, my 1st born, told me he changed his name. thats how he started. He said he was happy. He and his fiancee of 13yrs,..were fine as far as all knew.but never set a wedding date after he gave her the engagement ring. I sucked it up, modern mom,told him i just want him happy,i support him. I live in Iowa,a small town. Totally a no no here. His gma aunts cuzns all live in this town. So how do i deal with the embarrassment?yet support him? I lost my man,now my son,the only males in my family. My daughter lives close to him,on the west coast,whete its no big deal there. Theres so much i struggle with. Hes 6’tall, big boned,and seeing him become her, blows my mind. If his relatives find out, ..they will judge him,outcast him for certain. Its not assumption its fact. I dont want him hurt. I want to hug my son, i never got to say goodbye.all of a sudden i habe another daughter.He#she, never saught out therapy to see WHY, he just did it.got estrogen,and is now a female in every way except the sex change. Gosh, i need someone to talk to. Im alone grieving over my spouse of 40 yrs death,we were high school sweethearts. And then this. Where do i turn? Not the pastor. My moms too active and eats dinners lunches with the pastor as friends. Help

    Reply
    • transmom March 18, 2018 at 3:37 am #

      Aw, Linda- First of all, my deepest condolences as you move through this incredibly difficult time!!!..probably the worst time you will ever face (I pray that this is the case!)!! Grief all over the place! I wish I was in Iowa to hug you!

      Linda, I am not going to sugar coat this and I am not going to talk you out of your expectation that your (now) daughter will be shunned and ostracized…you know your family and the community they reside in. I think you know the truth. And I am guessing that is why she chooses to live in California where- while it is not widely accepted- there are many more areas that do show tolerance! And I would venture that she chose now to come out to you because she may have felt it was too much to burden her father with as he fought for his life.

      But I will say this: You knew in your gut YOUR TRUTH! You accepted your child unconditionally even under the pain-filled circumstances! And that, my friend, is what I think is paramount to keep at the front of your mind right now: you love your kid unconditionally! Never ending. No matter what-ness.

      She’s an adult. At 39, I’m sure this is something that she didn’t have to go to therapy to uncover or understand. She’s probably waited her entire life to find her truth. Think Caitlyn Jenner. Read, “She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders” by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Her book is great!

      The embarrassment will take time, as will your ability to call your daughter by the correct pronouns and name. Keep remembering , this was HER choice, she’s happy and living her authentic life!

      So when folks have a negative opinion, it’s okay to say, “I totally understand how you feel, but my kid is my kid. At least she’s alive and happy. That’s honestly all I care about. She’s not dead! I’m not living next door to her. I’m not paying her bills. She’s good, so I am good”.

      I think if you practice saying such things and consider whatever those pat answers become, can be your mantra. And with those, you will begin to feel more comfortable OVER TIME.

      I had to learn to feel okay about saying, “I appreciate you wanting to talk about this with me, but with everything I am going through and have gone through, I really am not up for any more negativity. Thanks for understanding that what I need is support right now. Thanks for respecting that.” YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! EVEN if they are family!

      I also suggest keeping a journal to get some of this pain out of your heart and head and put it away- on paper. It can be a relief!

      Lastly, I know it may be difficult to find out there, but a good therapist that understands grief can be a wonderful gift you give yourself right now. I hope you will consider this!

      Please also write again!! I hope other moms will see this and respond!!

      Hugs to you- I am holding you in my heart!

      Reply
  206. Carolyn March 18, 2018 at 4:04 pm #

    My 21 yr-old son moved across the country a year ago to live with his girlfriend. He is biracial and and I believed the move was a good one, as the area he moved to is more diverse than ours. As a white mother of a child who chose to identifiy as African American, I already felt “maternal” guilt for somehow failing to fully understand my son.
    A year later, my guilt has turned to grief, as I now feel I have completely lost my child. He is now she, and right now, all I feel is total loss. I am completely on the outside now.
    I appreciate the posts I’ve read here, I beginning to feel a glimmer of hope that I can heal and we can have a relationship. I know she/they will need not just my love, which is a given, but emotional support. It’s funny, as I fast approach retirement age, I guess I thought I could “retire” from emotional work as well. But once a parent, always a parent. I fiercely loved and protected my son through his childhood. While I can no longer offer protection from Life’s many challenges, I can own up to my own. Then I support my support my transitioning child as best I can.

    Reply
  207. Christine McNally March 21, 2018 at 9:34 am #

    Hi.i am also the mother of a transgender son. He is 24 now,he began thinking about this (he thought he was lesbian before he knew there was a trans choice) by 17 was virtually living as male and changed his name. At 18, he started hormones. At 23 he had the chest reassignment surgery. He is engaged and works and is a remarkable young man. But we did it blindly. I have been asked to start up a parenting Support Group because of the growing need and literally there is zero I. Our area.id love to hear any feedback from anyone that has been to one what was helpful and what definitely WAS NOT. thank you

    Reply
    • transmom March 22, 2018 at 4:51 am #

      Hi Christine! There is a fabulous support group here in LA and several successful others that have started from it in Southern California. I would love to connect you to those folks!! Can you please send me a message on my FB page so that I can get you personal emails? This is such a wonderful gift you are considering undertaking!!
      On FB search:
      Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children

      Reply
  208. Tammy March 30, 2018 at 10:37 pm #

    Hi, I have been reading this blog since my therapist referred me and today I am finally ready to add my comments/concerns. My daughter(only child) will be 18yrs old in May 2018, she informed me last October that she want to transgend. I am so afraid, anxious, anger and surprised by her decision. I never saw any signs when she was growing up. My therapist is great and is trying to help me through this difficult time. I don’t want to seem selfish but this is HARD for me as my daughter’s mind is made up. In today’s society, their is so much evil, I would hate for her to experience any conflict because of her choices. I know I can’t always protect her but at the same time i feel I need to for the both of us. I will wait to hear any feedback that may help me through this difficult time.

    Reply
    • transmom April 7, 2018 at 8:14 pm #

      Hi Tammy!

      Sorry to get back to you after several days: I have been out of state and away from my computer!

      First, I am happy that your therapist suggested you connect here! But most importantly, I am so happy you have sought out emotional support through therapy!! This is such important news to share with all of us: therapy is KEY during this process for all of us moms!!!

      While I am sure your therapist is relaying this to you as well, I want to let you know first-hand that your feelings of fear, anger, and surprise are soooo EXPECTED!!! Honestly, I really hear only that moms are experiencing the very SAME reactions!!! YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!! As my son said to me over 6 years ago, we EACH have our own individual process and experience! You NEED to process this in your OWN PERSONAL way!!

      Yes, your daughter- soon to be son!!- has decided to transition and you are right: you have nothing to say about it. This is particularly difficult to adjust to when during 18 years, you have been able to have so much influence on her life decisions. But that is our first hurdle as a parents going through this: we do NOT have much-if any- influence on this topic! This can be exasperating! Your child is an adult. She has been (without your realizing it) experiencing private feelings of discomfort and anguish. If she hadn’t been, trust me, she wouldn’t be taking this difficult path!

      Of course you want to spare your child pain, evil, and conflict! But, unfortunately, this is not to be. Instead, steal yourself for the challenges ahead by focusing instead on how your love will be the support and armor that will carry her! Your consistent willingness to simply LISTEN and REMIND her of your UNDYING love, will be what will continue to foster her strength and your relationship!!

      My best to you as you move forward! Remember, embrace this journey…this acceptance will make it not only survivable, but enriching as well!

      Reply
      • Array April 8, 2018 at 2:20 am #

        Hi Transmom, I am so happy to hear your feedback and to have another supportive group I can open up and relate to. As I am typing, tears are falling and I am praying for extra strength and just have to take minute by minute, day by day. I will always support my child, that’s all I have. I thank you so much and will continue to read and share my thoughts.
        . .

      • transmom April 8, 2018 at 4:11 pm #

        Hi Array! I am so happy you can find comfort here!! Please be kind to yourself…journal, read, surround yourself with positive and supportive people, and always remind yourself that your kid is blessed to have a loving mother. So many transgender children (of all ages) do not…keep going in love!!

  209. Lorraine George April 26, 2018 at 2:47 pm #

    I was told before that my daughter was trans and that he was changing his name. I am behind him no matter what, but I miss my daughter (I now have 2 sons) and I can’t talk about her, it’s as though she didn’t exist. But I had 18 years of a daughter. He gets angry if I talk about what she did, but I can’t forget everything I did with my daughter. I don’t want to forget her, but also don’t want to upset my son.

    Reply
    • transmom April 27, 2018 at 12:32 am #

      Hi Lorraine! Thanks so much for sharing your feelings…I know a LOT of mothers here can identify with feelings that you are having!

      Many of our kids have been so uncomfortable- in emotional pain really!- that they want to focus on the NOW and leave the pain- and all those reminders of pain!!- behind. My son, for example, was uncomfortable with me displaying any pictures of him after the age of 12. For him, that was when his pain began. While I still wanted to be able to display all of the memories of milestones he (then she) experienced along the way (like middle school and high graduations), I learned that this was a reasonable request! Why would I want to put my kid through any more pain than he had already endured, right?

      I think the same may be true for your son…he may not want to hear stories of those previous times- at least not right now, anyway. I hope you can consider taking a break from talking about those times with him being present. Perhaps in time, things will change and he will feel more comfortable.

      Perhaps you would consider letting him know that you are struggling with YOUR part during his transition…and that you want to be as supportive as you can. Ask him if there is a time when just the two of you can talk. When a good time is found, ask exactly how you can be respectful! What would be supportive for him? I bet he will be very appreciative of your efforts!

      Lorraine, you are ALREADY doing a FABULOUSLY honoring your son by referring to him by his chosen pronouns!! That is REALLY hard to change after 18 years!!

      Trust me! You will NOT ever forget the early different years of your child…perhaps you can share those memories with others, not in the presence of your son.

      Keep hanging in there!

      Reply
  210. Carolyn April 26, 2018 at 8:52 pm #

    Hi Transmom,

    I’m brand new to the site and I just want to say that I appreciate you providing a platform for parents of transgender or questioning children. This afternoon, my 6-year-old son told me he has a secret for me and whispered that he’s transgender. This has always been an open conversation in our house and we don’t believe in exclusion in any form. When I asked him what made him want to tell me, he said that he saw a video at equality in school that confused him and that he thinks he might be transgender. We’ve always tried to choose gender neutral toys in our home to let them choose what resonates with him and he enjoys playing with dinosaurs, animals, legos, etc. but then occasionally he will pick something that is a “girls” toy which we don’t think twice about. He has never expressed any desire to change himself in any way or that he’s uncomfortable in his own body, and has never expressed a desire to dress in feminine clothes, etc. He’s also never outwardly projected any behavior that might make me think twice about him being gender curious. I’m wondering if this is just his reaction to something that he saw in the video and he’s trying to find out who he is, or if we should keep an eye on this a bit closer.

    Any positive comments are encouraged. Thank you!

    Reply
    • transmom April 27, 2018 at 1:02 am #

      Hi Carolyn!!
      I love how open you! I so appreciate that you didn’t take your son’s “secret” in a way that was fearful or dreading!! That’s simply AWESOME!!
      I think your son’s feelings about identity will reveal themselves in time. Maybe you can find out a little more about the video from him if he is able to articulate that. Did you ask him what was confusing? What made him feel uncomfortable? Perhaps his teacher might give you the link so you can see the video yourself.

      Personally, I think providing your son opportunities to talk about his feelings is the most important thing you can do. Reassuring him (especially when he goes to sleep at night) that you love him no matter what; that you appreciate the kid he is, the student he is, the friend he is, etc. is what is most important to him right now.

      Have you ever read , “Who Are You?: The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity”–
      by Brook Pessin-Whedbee …perhaps a book like this when he is snuggled up and safe with you will offer an opening to his thoughts.

      Lastly, if he appears more sad than usual…or changes in his performance at school are evident, please make sure to contact a child therapist that is experienced in gender issues!

      You are a terrific, loving mom! My best to you!

      Reply
  211. Tim Cartwright June 3, 2018 at 11:02 pm #

    Hi. My name is Tim and I am a student at the University of Chester in the UK. I am looking for participants for my research and I wanted to check if I could post a link to my study here on this page? I appreciate it a space for mothers of transgender children and so I dont wish to intrude. I am primarily interested in the psychological wellbeing of parents whose children are transgender. If you could let me know if this would be ok, that would be terrific. Thanks. Tim 🙂

    Reply
    • transmom June 7, 2018 at 8:00 pm #

      yes- that would be awesome. if you send me the link, I will post it!

      Reply
      • ScaredStepMom June 9, 2018 at 11:59 am #

        Not quite sure if this will show as a new thread, but I wanted to stop and say that I am so glad this blog is here. I see so much of what my husband and I are going through. His son is in the process of transitioning to a woman and we are really struggling with it. She is autistic and has schizoaffective disorder, and we are not sure how this is playing into her desire to find a place to fit in and belong. The trans community is very welcoming and encouraging. She has always had an interest in cross dressing, but there has never been anything remotely “feminine” about her, although perhaps it is my perception of what feminine really is. She had an appointment with an endocrinologist who prescribed hormone therapy after meeting her once. She admitted that she did not reveal any of her psychiatric history to them, so I am really scared. Estrogen could render her irreversibly sterile and affect hr precarious mental health, and I am not sure she really understands the ramifications of her decisions.
        I am also trying to figure out how to help her dress. She shows up in clothing appropriate for nightclubs, in a mix of vans shoes and fishnet hose. it is just heartbreaking to see her looking to us for compliments and acceptance on her appearance when it is so foreign to us.
        I struggle with her new name and the pronouns, however, she knows that we will love and accept her. I think she wants top surgery some day, but we told her that this is her journey and that she would have to figure out how to pay. She does have disability because of her diagnosis, and in spite of multiple work programs to help her become a productive member of society she has refused to work.
        My dear husband is trying to come to terms with everything.

      • transmom June 10, 2018 at 5:32 pm #

        You have a lot to take in and deal with, Scared Step Mom- I am thinking a lot about your levels of struggle- not only as a mom of a transgender son, but as a special educator!

        There are no easy answers and certainly no “right ways” to go….especially when there are complicated layers, as with your adult child! But you and husband are truly so loving and dedicated that I know the best thing is to listen to your guts: you know your kid best!

        The first thing I’m like to offer is to please know that it is absolutely expected to feel a full range of emotions- from frustration to fear- to anger- to disappointment- to grief. The next thing I would share is that since your kid has a history of cross-dressing, I think you can feel comfortable that their gender identity is something that they have long struggled with and this is probably the manner in which they will find comfort within. The psychiatric piece of their reality certainly will make you doubt their choices- so I think making them accountable for paying for top surgery is a good way to go: they are not working and if this is something they truly need, they will find a way!

        I would encourage you to seek a counselor that is trained in adult autism and schizoaffective disorder- best if your adult child can get therapy themselves…but for you and your husband to have your own!!!…this is a tough road and the support you can receive will be really appreciated! That person can help you navigate the ways in which you might approach your son and guide him.

        I think one way that might be helpful is to sit down with your husband and make a list – just a brainstorm of things as they come to you: all the things you are worried and wonder about. Everything from acceptance to clothing choices. Electrolysis to name change. It will be a long list I’m sure. But this will get everything out of your heads and on paper and will give your hearts some relief. Then you can go back and organize your list: legal stuff. medical interventions. practical daily life stuff. Implications for family and friends….then, prioritize: do you want to do research? Do you want to tackle any of these with your son? All of this can bring control back to you in a situation for which control can seem evasive!

        I also recommend HIGHLY finding a a group of parents …local LGBT organizations may have suggestions! Having someone in your corner that is going through something a little similar can be super helpful!!

        My best to you both! You are awesome, loving parents and your child is blessed to have you in their corner!!!

  212. ScaredStepMom June 11, 2018 at 1:12 pm #

    Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful response. I am going to meet with Kelsey, she was excited that I offered to help her find clothes. Does anyone know of any good websites for buying clothes for MTF.
    We have our local Pride festival next weekend in Providence, we will go with her, ifwnhe would like us too, but we will also go by ourselves if not. I think we may have the opportunity to meet people who can help us on our journey.

    Reply
    • transmom June 16, 2018 at 12:55 am #

      I’m happy you will be joining in at the local Pride festival! Enjoy!!
      Here is an article that may be helpful…when you are an adult cisgendered woman, we have so many years of shopping for female clothing that we don’t think of these details, so this may be helpful for Kelsey!

      http://transoutloud.com/dressing-transition-mtf-transgender-women

      There are also great videos to watch such as:

      ENJOY!!

      Reply
    • hermom2015 September 25, 2018 at 7:19 pm #

      Regarding clothing for your daughter… Stitch Fix is good because she can send them measurements and preview the items at home prior to purchasing. We live in the Seattle area where transgender people are pretty commonplace and had great luck going into Nordstrom and Anthropology. Anthropology even wrote my daughter’s name on the dressing room door and referred to her by her name when asking if things were fitting okay. In general, broad shoulders are sometimes hard to fit.

      Reply
      • transmom September 26, 2018 at 4:04 pm #

        Great suggestion, hermom2015!!!!!

  213. Maggie June 19, 2018 at 11:42 pm #

    I’m new to this and I feel super sadness for the loss of a little boy that I gave birth to. But that’s just selfish that makes it all about me. I love him no matter what and I will support him and deal with my own issues.

    Reply
    • transmom June 21, 2018 at 2:22 am #

      Please know that your feelings of loss and sadness are absolutely common….even when the most forward thinking and supportive of us moms finds ourselves with this news, we are hit hard! From the moment we have that child, it has been our cultures’ defining moment: is it a girl or a boy? Maybe someday that will no longer be the first question anyone asks about a newborn, but as long as it is, we moms will struggle with the loss of a dream. From the earliest days, we picture a happy and successful future for our child. And that can absolutely still happen- but instead of this automatic notion of their future, we are faced with uncertainty and fear. Unfortunately, the world can be less than inclusive and these are not exactly loving times in which we find ourselves. So know that you need to feel everything that you feel…..those feelings do not limit yourself as a supportive parent!! You get to have “all about me” in your privacy, in your writings, in your thoughts and with those you trust implicitly with this most confidential information. Allowing yourself to go through these feelings that may range from disappointment to discomfort, allow you to move through them so that you are there for your new daughter.

      Trust me…in time, it will hard to say your boy’s name and picture him…you really will be okay and I know SHE will be okay because she has YOU!

      Reply
  214. Roy Long June 25, 2018 at 2:01 pm #

    I am a loving father of a 27 year old son who lives in Portland. He had girlfriends in high school and was with his most recent girlfriend for 7 years. He was brought up on a Ranch here in Colorado. As a young person he was involved in Rodeo , football, and other activities. He has always been a wonderful son. Last year when I had a stroke, he was very concerned and very supportive of his mother and me. He calls us all the time and we have always talked about everything. We are planning to visit with him in his new home in Oregon this fall. Last week he announced to us that he is transgender. I told him that no matter what we love him and respect him and that he is a treasure to us. I have been online trying to get information about all of this since he came out. I truly just don’t get it. I read that there are a lot of suicides among transgendered people and that got me afraid for him. I feel like I am walking on eggshells now trying to say the right thing. But I also have feelings that I am not doing the right thing by not telling him that I think this is a major mistake. I just can’t see him as a girl. This is the same son who canoed the Mississippi River from Minnesota to New Orleans. He looks like a boy not a girl. I am in shock. At the same time I don’t want to be cutoff from him for lack of support and understanding. I admit it, I am totally at a loss how to feel about it, or be supportive of him for such a strange thing he is going through. My wife and I are worried sick for him, we love him, but this may be more than we know how to deal with. My wife has not slept since he first announced it. I am also trying to help her through this. We are both not religious nor do we have much faith in counceling but we need to have someone explain all of this to us.

    Reply
    • transmom June 26, 2018 at 5:02 pm #

      Hi Roy! I really do feel for you!! Yours and your wife’s is NOT an easy journey (as is your child’s!!)! I hope that while reading this you literally take in a huge breath and hold it and let it go…stopping to breathe is essential right now. Here’s the GREAT news: You have each other- you will pull each other along and comfort and give strength through the many months ahead!

      Here’s some other great news that may sound odd: You kid lives out of state! As a mom of an adult child that went through transition in another state, I can look back in hindsight and say that was a blessing in disguise. I didn’t have to face this shock on a daily basis. I had the gift of time to get up to speed with all this requires- there is so much to learn and to take in! I wasn’t forced to disclose this with anyone immediately- as I might of been had we lived close by!

      Additionally, since your child is an adult, you don’t have the added stress of wondering if you have made correct decisions….this is decided. Your opinion does not change this reality. You SHOULD NOT worry that you have done anything wrong along the way…this is your child’s inner truth and they are able to make a choice that, most likely, they have long been suffering silently with.

      Roy, I know you mentioned that you have not have had much faith in counseling, but I am going to REALLY STRESS how this can be a life saver for you and your wife!! Finding someone outside your family and friends that understands gender and the stress you are suddenly under, will be a great support! Additionally, I can’t recommend enough your searching for a parent group near you…speaking to folks who have undergone the same experience is like heaven!! Although my husband and I were the only parents in our support group to have an adult child, it was still amazing to sit with other (younger!) parents and listen to their struggles and sharing feelings of fear, loss, disappointment, and concern. If you let me know the city you are in/close to, I can help you in that search.

      Roy, now is the time to read and get to understand. The book,
      Transitions of the Heart:  Stories of Love, Struggle, and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children was something that I think your wife would find comfort in reading.
      We started reading: The Transgender Child:  A Handbook for Families and Professionals by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper- it’s a good “here’s transgender” start.
      She’s Not There: a Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan is a great read about an adult transwoman, as is Redefining Realness by Janet Mock.

      Lastly, I would like you to Facebook message me if you can….if you don’t have FB then maybe you have a friend that could do that for you? I can give you the name of a dear friend who went through a very similar situation with her son: they were completely shocked as there had been zero evidence earlier of their son’s desire to become female! If you go to my FB page: Transforming Love: Support for Mothers of Transgender Children, you can talk to me privately and I can supply her phone number. I know speaking to a parent that has managed similar challenges will be helpful.

      My best to you, Roy…I am happy to be of support!

      Reply
  215. Heather Mitchell June 27, 2018 at 11:11 am #

    My daughter told me yesterday 2 days before her 19th birthday that she is a transgender male. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I love my child, I’m just unsure how to help. We have an appointment already set up with her gynecologist so I told her we would start there with trying to find the right help with therapists and whatever else we could do. My husband and I are divorced but I contacted him and we talked it out and both figured that would be the best first move. What are the steps I need to take to help my child and myself to deal with this and get the help we need.

    Reply
    • transmom June 29, 2018 at 3:34 am #

      Hi Heather! I am sure this is overwhelming news- I know I felt like I was kicked in the gut when I first heard!! So many feelings flooding in and no where to turn in the beginning! Please know you are not alone!!

      I am thrilled for your kid that you have told her outright that you and your ex will try to support her! Since she is an adult, may I suggest that she be a part of- what will become- this long journey! Have her start WITH you to investigate the LGBT centers near you….they can lead you to what docs folks find “trans friendly”, support groups for each of you, etc.

      Do NOT be disappointed if your current doctor/gynecologist is not well-versed in gender issues…many are not. Let your daughter know that if any appointments feel disrespectful or unkind, you expect her to be her own best advocated and say thanks for your time, I appreciate your point of view and then leave!! Too many young people are not yet used to navigating the health care system and they can feel beat up along the way! Hearing from you often that you believe her will help sooooooo much!!

      That’s why a local parent group can be a blessing….as you can find support locally for your kid when you both feel confident to move forward in legally changing her name and gender markers….even some judges are horrible, so it’s great to hear from folks in your area which court houses/judges to avoid!!

      Check out my resources page!
      also check out:

      https://www.wikihow.com/Transition-from-a-Female-to-a-Male-(Transgender)

      It will help you to start reading and getting comfortable with understanding your daughter…please try to use any new name and pronouns if this is requested: while it may be incredibly hard after 19 year to do so, this is a HUGE sign of respect and acceptance!! Take your new son shopping in the men’s department ( H&M was our first shopping trip and they were fine with me accompanying my “new” son. Some of the new styles come in very thin sizes that a lot of young (thin) women can fit into well!

      Listen. Talk. Ask. Listen. Hug. Listen some more. Make a plan together.

      Thanks for being on board and loving your child unconditionally!!!

      Reply
  216. Catherine Campbell July 4, 2018 at 12:41 pm #

    I know I am not handling my daughters wishes in the correct way and I hope your blogs will help because I feel like my situation is unique among others and this is the first time I have heard anyone else Xpress it so clearly so thank you from the bottom of my heart

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2018 at 11:54 pm #

      Hi Catherine! Sorry I am late in responding-I’ve been traveling. You are most welcome! Ours is VERY unique and challenging journey!! I hope you will read the many emails from other moms like yourself! Each of us works so hard (and it IS work!) to accept these stunning changes in our children! In the end, our desire to maintain our relationship with our beloved comes through! There is NOTHING more important than having a healthy and happy child!!

      Reply
  217. Rebecca July 9, 2018 at 2:54 am #

    I was just told what you shared. I feel lost. Thank you for reaching out

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2018 at 2:05 am #

      It’s my experience that is it super common to feel lost in this first months of learning about this, Rebecca! I know that sure felt that way!! I think the most important thing you can do right now is to focus on what you CAN do, rather than on what you don’t have control over….you can educate yourself through reading! You can get emotional help through a therapist! You can connect with other parents and share common stories! You can keep up a dialogue with your child so that you feel informed and connected!!

      Hugs to you- you really will do well!!

      Reply
  218. Brenda Christian July 20, 2018 at 7:19 pm #

    I’m having a very difficult time accepting that my daughter is transgender. I need help understanding to reach a point of healing for myself. I feel so much pain inside like a death. I don’t know where to turn

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2018 at 2:13 am #

      Brenda, I want you to know that your statement is the first thing I hear from mothers…that this feel just like a death! So please know you are not alone in your feelings!! Where to turn? Here is one….and support groups is a really great idea. I am happy to help you search your area if you like. Usually I call the local LGBTQ Center to ask if they can recommend knowledgable therapists that are experienced with gender issues and support groups for families. Another thing to do is to read…please check out my resources page here on my blog…many of these books helped me understand the how and why. Other stories from parents and transgender adults helped me know that while transition is often hard for us as parents to wrap our heads around, this is often what our children have been searching for -for YEARS!!! And this is the key to our child’s happiness and contentment!!
      I hope you will give yourself time: this doesn’t become easy over night…write, talk, share with those you trust, and know that you are NOT alone!! There are so many moms JUST LIKE YOU- out here! Sending you hugs, Brenda!

      Reply
  219. Beth July 30, 2018 at 6:47 am #

    Just been told ! Daughter been ‘gay’ for 4 years but I knew it was more. He now expects automatic acceptance, both of new identity and name , but we are shell shocked .
    We are a clise loving family who support his rights but are grieving a life we feel we have lost . Any help really appreciated.

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2018 at 2:30 am #

      Beth- I so hear you! I, too, was told that my (now) son was gay. In my heart I saw changes but I think I was really afraid of the possibility of his being trans so I didn’t dare even ask (like my asking would have an influence on that decision- so silly). And when that news was finally shared, I was stunned! I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I didn’t know anyone who was transgender…I was clueless. I was sure I loved my child unconditionally, but wondered how to accept this news.

      After the initial shock, I knew I needed answers! Reading really helped: please see my resource page on my blog. Some books helped me understand transgender folks while other books shared the stories of folks that had successfully transitioned and their experiences. BOTH kinds of books helped a lot! And I can’t say enough about therapy! Talking to an experienced gender therapist really helped! Finding a parent group to share with others experiencing the same as me was definitely the best thing my husband and i did! It took time, Beth….transition doesn’t happen overnight and getting used to such a dramatic change doesn’t happen overnight either. Please be patient with yourself!! I hope you can talk with your daughter about her feelings. I hope she will understand that it takes time to feel comfortable and that each person has there own process around acceptance! Over time, you WILL get there, Beth! You are a loving parent who will continue to love and respect your child!

      Reply
  220. Tammy August 4, 2018 at 5:35 am #

    I am a single parent trying to support my son. I have taken him to doctor appointments, therapists and specialists. Now he is receiving hormonal injections. I am supportive but once in awhile I mistake the wrong pronoun which I eternally regret and am never forgiven for. Tonight was a massive melt down. My son tends to do lots of swearing and slamming doors lately. He said I was the whole problem. Man do I feel like a complete failure. I should add he is PDD-nos so really understanding him and being close to him is a foreign concept. I gave him the trans hotline number tonight in Hope’s he phones it. This is a very difficult journey for all of us.

    Reply
    • transmom August 9, 2018 at 4:37 am #

      That’s tough, Tammy!!! PDD-nos folks can be difficult to reason with (I’m a special educator) … many have difficulty taking perspective and it sounds like you are on the losing end of that experience with your son! I commend you for hanging in there, but hope that you will consider his emotional/ social skills and not necessarily “buy into” everything he asserts. ALL kids (of ALL ages) lash out to those they are sure that they are safest with: it’s easy for him to do that to you when he knows you are completely devoted and that you love him unconditionally. At “cooler” moments…when he is much more reasonable, I hope you will consider talking to him in a straightforward way, letting him know that there is no “Parent Manual” for this experience and you are doing the best you can. That you ask him to consider that some of his statements are really painful. Remind him how you are helping (appointments, acceptance, etc) and ask him to let you know what else you can do…that you need to be specific…that blaming doesn’t help either of you. Of course, timing is everything for this kind of conversation…I hope you find that opportunity. Being a single parent is tough ANYTIME…now, during your son’s transition…well, it can be hell to go it alone! I hope you can find time for your own therapy and a like-minded group of parents that can be your support!! You are a wonderfully loving mom- hang in there!!!

      Reply
  221. Cheryl Thompson August 18, 2018 at 4:35 pm #

    This is what I’ve been looking for!!!!

    Reply
  222. annoiD August 20, 2018 at 8:04 pm #

    My oldest will be 15 in 3 months. Born a female and came out as panromantic last year. Just informed me over the summer that he’s trans male. I am having a hard time using the new name he has chosen and using the proper pronouns because its simply only been a few weeks and for 15 years I’ve said she/her/daughter etc. He doesn’t get upset just simply says he when I say she. His little sister is 8 and actually is handling this well. My husband and i split 7 months ago. My oldest has requested counceling for dealing with the family issues of divorce and with gender identity issues. First appointment is in a week. The family doctor was very supportive and helpful and I’m hoping therapy will be as well. I told him i will not allow a name change or body modifications until after he’s 18 and has been through therapy to understand all that is going on in his head and body. Being 14 is hard enough hut being in the wrong body makes it harder and I’m scared for him. Hes the one that sticks up for anyone being bullied and is a great friend and listener. And I feel priveledged that he trusts me with everything hes going through. Im just upset for one that his friends parents have banned him from coming to their houses or even public places. It hurts for your child to be told they can’t go because you’re not straight. Two I’m scared for the stuggles he will endure by staying true to himself. He has anxiety and depression and has recently let me know that he’s had 2 panic attacks at school. Im hoping therapy helps with those but how do i not kick other parents asses for excluding my wonderful, smart, sensitive, compassionate, amazing child?

    Reply
  223. Ann August 22, 2018 at 2:25 am #

    Thanks for this forum. I’ve been looking for a support group, but haven’t had any luck yet. My 24 year old son, who still lives at home and hasn’t been able to keep a job for more than 3 months (usually 2 weeks or less), told us that he is transgender. So at this point I’ll refer to my child as she. We’ve had her in therapy for a year (we pay for it). She feels that it’s not helpful at all. Her therapist has told me that it’s going very slowly. So today my daughter quit therapy. She wants us to support her transition financially. Here’s where I really need help. As a parent, we want our children to become happy, independent, productive members of society. My child dropped out of college first semester, won’t take advantage of free tech school, and can’t hold down a job. She plays video games or d&d with online friends all day. She tried doing contract typing, and was good at it, but it was boring. She doesn’t feel comfortable going out because she’s a girl in a boy’s body. We told her (from the beginning) that she would have to pay for her own treatment, thinking that would motivate her to take some responsibility for her life. Now she says we don’t care about her. What am I supposed to do? Once the hormones kick in, I imagine it’ll be even harder to start something new. I’m not big on tough love, but neither can I see myself or my husband supporting our adult child until she’s fully transitioned. More importantly, I worry so much about my child being self sufficient for when we aren’t here anymore. She thinks we aren’t willing to support her “basic needs”, but this isn’t really about her identity, it’s about her becoming a responsible adult. Sorry this was so long. I’d appreciate any input!!!

    Reply
    • transmom August 28, 2018 at 10:53 pm #

      Hi Ann! Wow- yours is not a straightforward nor easy situation! I would be terribly torn if I were you also!!!! While I don’t necessarily think of my husband and I as “tough love” folks either, to me it seems like there need to be boundaries and expectations set!! Like they say, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch!”.

      Here is what comes to my mind- but I welcome all readers and parents to weigh in!!! I am NOT a therapist, so I recommend you speak to the therapist that you were paying to see if she agrees or has other suggestions!

      – Plan a serious, sit down conversation…let your daughter know this meeting is coming in advance, so there is no storming out or histrionics on display. Perhaps call it a “Family Meeting”?

      -Ahead of the meeting, you and your husband decide how much D&D and video games are acceptable and how much viable work is expected (whether that is from home our a job out in the community). This is the time to also set other household responsibilities and financial expectations. Have these AND a reasonable timeline for the roll-out of this plan in mind. Know ahead what you are willing to compromise on!

      – Here’s the hard part: what are the consequences? Are you willing to “evict” her? Are access to electronics limited….after all, we would do this for our children (under 18) and if she is acting like a child (not having a responsible job/income) then the consequences would be similar.

      Again, I always think getting professional help yourself is key!! Staying in agreement with your spouse on the plan is also critical!

      I know that her not wanting to present herself to the world before transition complicates this, but she needs to step up and own her life as an adult….paying her way without conditions feels as if you are being taken advantage of and while you love her, that means unconditional love and emotional support…NOT necessarily financial support (in my mind, anyway!).

      Please keep us posted!! My very best to you!!!

      Reply
      • Ann August 31, 2018 at 2:27 pm #

        Thanks so much for your response and validation. I’ve had many of the same thoughts, and my husband agrees with me in theory, but hasn’t had it in him to carry through. I can’t do it by myself and I just don’t know what to do…

      • transmom September 1, 2018 at 4:36 am #

        Hi Ann,
        Following through IS super hard….but so necessary in order that your daughter becomes whole and competent. Perhaps you can think of it as your parenting responsibility….we think we will be “done” when our kids become adults….NOT SO! This is another “stage” (if you will) that you are kind of forced to see your daughter through!
        I know you feel like you can’t do it by yourself (I would be completely overwhelmed as well!!), but would you consider at least seeking assistance from a therapist on your own? Perhaps, that will lead you to be able to orchestrate some change at home? Maybe just starting a dialogue with your daughter?
        Lastly, I was thinking about a dear friend’s half sister. Like your husband, my friend’s dad wouldn’t carry through with setting boundaries when his daughter (with his new wife) became a drug addict. She went in and out of rehabs and in between times, robbed them, destroyed the furnishings in their home, gave birth to two sons that the mother is now raising at 67 after the father’s death. Ultimately, their love and belief in her wasn’t what she really needed. Actually, I think we can agree they did not “parent”. They did not make the hard choices that parents are sometimes forced to make for the welfare of their children.

        I know that this may sound brutal, but I think that is the reality of the situation: Your daughter will not magically get up and leave the house equipped to live her life without structure, emotional support, clear expectations and boundaries. I pray that a story like this will ring true for your husband as he watches his daughter at home with a stagnant future.

        Hang in there….you can and WILL make a difference! Keep reaching out and finding help! Read, journal, and keep talking openly with your daughter! You are a loving mother…that is the greatest gift you bring every day!

      • Ann September 1, 2018 at 6:34 pm #

        Thanks transmom. That example, though different from our own situation, does speak to our need to raise our expectations and set limits with this adult child of ours. Thanks for your encouragement as well. It’s time to act.

      • transmom September 1, 2018 at 9:34 pm #

        My best to you, Ann! I am always here to extend to you hope and encouragement!

  224. Supportive Mama September 8, 2018 at 6:45 pm #

    My 17 year old son just confessed that he feels that he is female. I love my son, I knew he was struggling with something for awhile now, he confided to his step father who he is really close what was going on. My son had been pushing me, his sister and his father away. We had always known my son was different, he loves his computer and lives very much a typical gamer lifestyle. I also suspected early on when he was around 3 he may be gay. I know full well being gay and sexual identity are two different things…but I honestly never had ANY clue he felt he could be a woman inside…none. I know my son has very high moral values and tries to subscribe to fundamental Christian lifestyle and figured is he trying to be a woman to justify his liking of men? I love my son dearly, I want to support him in every way I know how, but I feel so blind sided by this, I honestly saw no signs what’s so ever!!! He has never crossed dressed, his sister used to dress him up when he was 3or 4 as a girl..and he would freak out. My son has certain natural gestures that I picked up on early on that he might be gay, but when I tell you I saw nothing else I mean that. My son stated he has kept that hidden from us, and he did a stellar job. I have done some research and found 3 good psychiatrists in our area that deal with adolescent gender identity issues, my son is all for going. I was told by the one office, this could be a phase, but at any rate, I want him to discuss these feelings with a professional in a safe environment, hell at this point I might need to make a appointment for myself..to sort all of this out. My son made me swear on my life I would not tell his sister, she has already thought he was gay and is supportive if he would just talk with her..but I am not to utter a word in the least to his father..who I highly doubt would be supportive, he is not a very emotionally supportive person in general. I will tell no one, that is why I am writing today..to all of u that have dealt with this..for help..direction..and is there anyone out there that felt completely blindsided by this? I am a nurse by profession have encountered transgendered individuals in my practice, I try to stay as open as possible, and pride myself on this, have I failed somehow? I must have not to know this? Help!

    Reply
    • transmom September 10, 2018 at 3:15 am #

      Hi Supportive Mama!!
      I’m sooooo glad that you took the time to write…..so much of what you have said rings true for me thinking back to my early challenges, as well as the shared experiences of MANY other moms that I have spoken to or written to on this blog!!

      I want to tell you what a really amazing therapist (actually Caitlyn Jenner’s therapist on her show!) told me as I began my journey: YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR CHILD! YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO CAUSE THIS!! She also said , “You are not so powerful to have made an impact on your son’s gender.” That helped me stop obsessing about “what I had done wrong”. This was not about ME!

      I have heard sooooo many moms say that they were completely shocked to learn that their child was transgender! Many mom’s (like I did) guess early on that whatever differences we are seeing in expression must be related to our kids being gay…because honestly, that’s the only “box” we know to help us make sense of what we see and want to understand. It’s a natural assumption if your kid has the opposite gender’s characteristics and yet doesn’t ask or speak of wanting to be that other gender.

      What we DON’T see is what is going on privately in our kids’ heads! How they see themselves and the struggle they experience is many times, not for us to know!! I imagine that they each (most of them that come out as late teens or adults) become experts in hiding their feelings and identities, instead projecting what they believe they SHOULD to satisfy the community and the loved folks in their lives. The fear and risk is just too great for so many.

      I also know 2 moms right now that have been sworn to secrecy by their kids because their are family members they are just not ready to share this with.

      You are doing all the right things!! You found a therapist for him (and I DO recommend you go- it will be wonderful for you!) and you are loving and supportive!!! He knows that you are his safety net and that is incredibly important!! Keep being wonderful you!!! With your help, you both will find your way through his unique journey together!!

      Give your kid a hug and take a bow!! Good work, Supportive Mama!!

      Reply
  225. Supportive Mama September 10, 2018 at 7:08 pm #

    Thank you for your kind and supportive words. My mind and GI system have still not recovered since my son broke the news.
    I have called our former psychiatrist today for appointments for both of us, still waiting to hear back if the doctor is accepting new or former patients, if they are not I will have to another doctor.
    In the mean time I am driving my poor husband nuts pondering this over and over again. He keeps telling me this is not about you, it’s about your son, do not make his issues yours…I get what he is saying, but as a Mama how do you not?

    Reply
    • transmom September 11, 2018 at 7:00 pm #

      I’m sorry, but I had to chuckle to myself…over the years, I, too, have driven my husband nuts with all my worrying! It’s totally a woman thing to “think out loud” about all the possibilities…somehow, that can help us deal. But for men, they want to SOLVE, so just hearing things they can’t help with is really difficult for them (of course I am generalizing here)-they can’t be helpful and this talking about potential problems does not seem at all productive.

      Of course, ultimately, your husband is correct; this is NOT about you….so as soon as you can get out of your own way, you will feel a ton better. Try practicing HOW you state your thoughts…make them “I” statements, instead: “I am really worried that when ___ goes away, he will be bullied and won’t cope well”.

      I think the journaling will help you communicate better with him too…how about trying to write all your fears on a “Fear” page and then see what shouts at you as the most scary and the most likely to actually occur……highlight those…those are the ones you can have meaningful discussions about. This will hopefully help that incessant spinning we do in our heads!!

      I am so happy you are reaching out for support!!! Hang in there!!!

      Reply
  226. Julie Lowrey September 13, 2018 at 12:57 am #

    Hi, my son has been out as gay and gender fluid for several years and has recently told me he is transgender. I love and support my daughter but I’m still scared. My fear comes from knowing that people can be very cruel and also knowing that there are friends and family that will not be supportive. I guess there is also that fear that I have failed in some way as a parent. I am a single mom so if there’s blame it’s all mine….and it makes me feel guilty to think like that…. I have friends that i can talk to but no one that really understands because they don’t have a transgender child… I would love to connect with other moms and so I’m glad I came across your website!

    Reply
    • transmom September 15, 2018 at 2:54 am #

      Hi Julie!! You are a great mom…you are accepting and supportive!! The worries that you are experiencing are SUPER expected and COMPLETELY common!! Like you, I had been a single mom for a while in my kid’s development and the first thing I asked a therapist that specialized in gender was, “Was there something I did to cause this? Something I perhaps failed to do?” I had to laugh when she said, “You are not so powerful as to determine your child’s gender!” She is right!! We take on responsibilities like we own it all! We just have to get out of our own way in that regard!
      And not having anyone to speak to…I sooooo get that! I knew no transfolks and really, nothing about being trans. I was scared and freaked out! But with time, I DID find a support group and I DID connect with other moms.
      Where do you live and how old is your son? Perhaps I can help!!

      Reply
  227. Annie September 13, 2018 at 6:26 am #

    My daughter is transitioning to a. Male I don’t understand she is 25 yrs old .is like to know how to deal with it.

    Reply
    • transmom September 15, 2018 at 3:06 am #

      Hi Annie! When we as mothers learn this and we do not have experience with transgender people, it can be VERY difficult! My daughter also came out at 25 so I can identify with what you are experiencing!! It was scary for me and I was worried.

      I am happy to tell you that HE is very happy now! I am no longer frightened because he is doing so well! He is SUPER happy and SUPER successful! He was never happy like this as female…but everyone can see easily, as male, my son is who he was meant to be. He is his authentic self! He projects confidence!
      What helped me is what I hope you will also do:
      -find a support group in your area, or join one online
      -read books about female-to-male transgender folks
      -keep a journal: list all those fears that are swimming around in your head…this will get them out of your head. Remember, these are YOUR fears, NOT your kid’s so please do not spend negative energy worrying in front of your daughter.
      – remain positive with your daughter so that she will continue to communicate with you! This is REALLY important to your relationship and her sense of well-being!!
      – If you can, try to find a therapist that specializes in gender….this will REALLY help on your journey!
      -Lastly, believe in yourself and in the relationship you already have with your daughter. Remind her that you love her unconditionally! Remind her that while you are scared – this is new for you!- you are not going anywhere!!
      I’m sending you strength and hugs!! You’ve got this!!!

      Reply
  228. Annie September 13, 2018 at 6:32 am #

    I’m having a hard time dealing with my daughter transitioning she gets mad if I say she I’m so use to it it’s hard to switch .two weeks of testosterone so its kinda new

    Reply
  229. Dez September 14, 2018 at 2:44 am #

    When my adult daughter came out as transgender I was not surprised, in fact so much finally made sense. I love my daughter and am so proud of her courage. My heartache is from the guilt i feel that i didnt pick up on this when she was a child. I keep thinking of all the things I could have said and done differently when she was growing up (when essentially neither of us realized why she was different from her male peers) that might have helped her before she reached adulthood. I’m also sad I missed out on making mother daughter memories as she was growing up. Am i weird for feeling this way? I dont know any other people (transgender or allies) to know if my thoughts and feelings are normal. How do i find others in my area who would understand?

    Reply
    • transmom September 15, 2018 at 3:23 am #

      Hi Dez- YOU REACTIONS ARE SOOOO NORMAL!!! I asked many of your questions to a therapist and she assured me that guilt is unnecessary!!

      Here’s the thing: NONE OF US KNOWS THE ROAD WE DO NOT TAKE!!

      You can’t undo something that did not occur. You cannot regret when you have no idea if a different reaction might have resulted in something else…..it’s all speculation! And honestly, it is not a positive use of your time!

      You did as you did at the time for a myriad of reasons! We all live with the results of our previous choices. But your child is not just the sum total of YOUR reactions or involvement…there was school and friends and her interactions away from you…and a billion of different impacts along the way!

      So NO, you are NOT weird for feeling this way! But you DO have to learn how to get out of your way in order to serve your child best IN THE PRESENT!!!!

      Have you looked online to LGBT Centers in your area? Often, they know of parent groups and therapists!. How old is your daughter? Maybe I can connect you with other moms to speak with!!

      Reply
      • Dez September 15, 2018 at 7:26 am #

        Hi, thanks for responding. My daughter is 23, came out to me Christmas Eve 2016, and started hormones 5 months ago. I have looked online for LGBT centers but thought they are for the individuals themselves, not family members. I will have to go back and dig a little deeper to see if they are able to help me too. Thank you for the suggestion. I’d love to connect with even one other mother to share thoughts, feelings and experiences.i desperately want to walk through this transition alongside my daughter and provide her every support I can. I love her so much. And I’m glad I stumbled upon this site. Thank you for being here.

      • transmom September 23, 2018 at 11:08 pm #

        Dez, Even if the LGBTQ sites don’t list those groups, it can be productive to call and ask…or ask for a list of experienced gender therapists- THOSE folks may run groups or know groups!!

        If you contact me on my FB page:
        https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog
        and send me a message there, I can speak with you and send you the phone number of someone that would be willing to chat- like me!!

    • Beth September 18, 2018 at 6:14 pm #

      Dez,

      I was in your shoes. My daughter didn’t fit in, either. She was also terrified to come out when she was young (her dad was a military police officer in the Marines – very he-man). She finally did when she was 19. It didn’t go well with her dad at first, but he’s grown more tolerant (she’ll be 23 next month). I, too, felt like I missed out on all the fun of having a little girl. I didn’t get to pick out cute outfits, braid her hair, or get manicures together. What I do have, though, is a happy daughter that I can take shopping for cute clothes, get manicures with, and laugh about how silly guys can be. My support for her all her life has blossomed into a wonderful friendship with my grown daughter! It sounds like you have that, too. Enjoy the grownup mommy-daughter time!

      Beth

      Reply
      • transmom September 24, 2018 at 12:18 am #

        Thanks for sharing this Beth!!! Having our children ALIVE, WELL, and ENJOYING LIFE is the most important gift we as moms can be blessed with!

      • Dez September 24, 2018 at 12:23 am #

        Thank you Beth. I needed to hear that someone else gets what I was saying and feeling. I feel less alone.

    • Beth September 25, 2018 at 12:51 pm #

      Dez,

      If you’re anywhere near the Minneapolis area, I would be happy to get together for coffee and conversation. Let me know and we’ll figure out a way to connect.

      Beth

      Reply
      • Dez September 27, 2018 at 6:33 pm #

        Beth,
        I live in Colorado. I’m originally from Minnesota, though. Thank you for the offer. It helps me know I’m not the only mom out here supporting a daughter when it seems like so much of society doesn’t understand.
        Dez

      • Connie Dellinger October 18, 2018 at 8:58 pm #

        Fez—I’m in Colorado—Denver metro. My daughter MTF has been taking HRT for about 18 months. I’m more confused than ever, tho My husband and I both support our daughter. As we do our children. However, I feel it makes me crazy trying to understand this. I’d love to find a support group in Colorado

      • Dez October 25, 2018 at 12:27 am #

        I’m not really tech savvy or safe. I’d love to connect, Connie, but don’t know how. I live in Loveland, CO. My full name is Deserie Newton. If you know how we can exchange contact info, I’m very open to getting together.
        Dez

      • transmom November 26, 2018 at 6:52 pm #

        Please send a message to me with your email address on my FB page associated with this blog. Then I can pass it along to Connie when she messages me!

      • transmom November 26, 2018 at 6:54 pm #

        Please send me a message on the FB page associated with my blog. I can send your email address onto Connie when she sends me hers so you can meet up! https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog/

      • Connie Dello November 26, 2018 at 8:01 pm #

        I don’t understand how to connect either. I see someone told me to post somewhere on a blog or Facebook and I don’t understand. Thank you.

      • transmom February 19, 2019 at 12:43 am #

        I’m sorry. Please go to FB and look up: https://www.facebook.com/transformingloveblog
        Then leave me a personal message!!

      • Connie DELLINGER February 27, 2019 at 5:20 pm #

        I would really like to connect! I don’t know how either. My 93 year old mother passed January 4 and life feels even more complicated now.

      • transmom March 3, 2019 at 8:24 pm #

        My understanding is that I have to approve your message before it will show up on the site. Therefore, you can send me your email and I will send you my phone number from there! or, if you are on FB, you can leave me a private message on the page with my blog’s name…go to:
        https://www.facebook.com/transforminglove

  230. Alice September 17, 2018 at 1:58 am #

    Hi. I’ve read through most all of these posts. My son is 28. He told my husband, myself and his identical twin brother about 3 years ago. He has gone through the hair removal, the hrt’s and gave us a book to read as well as he saw a therapist for roughly 3 months… He had moved out of the house to live with a friend and get a better job. Now, actually in 1 day he will be in flight to Thailand for his operation, sex change.( his twin brother told us as a secret). He doesn’t know that we know. He didn’t want to tell us. I can’t ruin their relationship. I am not being selfish, but I feel hurt. Totally. He has NEVER shown any signs of being female. I’ve read books and watched videos on this subject for quite some time. He told my husband and myself that he was never happy as a kid. That is really insulting to say the least. I’ve made every effort to bring happiness into their lives. There was never a dark moment…we always spoke to one another. He has always spoken about being happy. All of his friends say they never saw anything. Even his identical twin brother thinks this is unreal. I am at a loss. I survived cancer for this. My husband is 4 months out of cancer treatments and this is what we are faced with. But most of all,I feel so much sadness for his brother. It is something I feel I can’t live with.

    Reply
    • transmom September 24, 2018 at 12:08 am #

      Hi Alice. I am so sorry that you have not only had to fight cancer yourself, but that your husband has had to as well! I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for both of you!

      I hear that you and your son’s identical twin brother never saw this coming. I believe you! Believe it or not, this is actually what many families report. You are not alone in that struggle to understand and accept what may seem impossible.

      I also want you to know that while we, as parents, see our children as happy- after all, they laugh, they have friends, and we have photos of them enjoying themselves as proof!!!- this is ALSO something that parents of transgender adult kids are sometimes faced with hearing and are shocked/surprised to hear.

      With that said, I want you to know that it is my belief that many of our children grow up in communities in which they do not believe they have an ability to address and speak to how they are feeling- even when they feel loved and accepted and supported by their families! And it may just be that they themselves do not understand what these identity feelings are about. However, these deep secrets CAN and ARE able to be held for years upon years and it is not until that child reaches adulthood that they feel the strength to face their fear. Maybe it is when they have met others that have experienced the same, can they identify their feelings as authentic enough to act upon. Their inability to say anything sooner may be a fear that their siblings (even an identical twin!) will turn against them forever. It may be a fear that their parents won’t accept this news and support their transition.

      We don’t have the ability to always understand the motivation for this having gone unsaid for so long. We also do not have the insight that makes these individuals say they were in pain. I’m going to suggest that instead of doubting him, you believe your son! In looking back, if he remembers the pain of having to hide and discount himself, then that is his truth. Yes, there were happy times…but he harbored pain and anguish and no one knew. When he looks back, he may feel that same pain he felt all those years in hiding. None of us can imagine what that might be like!!

      Alice, my son felt the same about his youth from age 12 through college. I remember what seemed like MANY wonderful times for him…but it is not my life that I recall…he gets to know his own experience. I cannot judge that for him. If I choose to argue it; if I choose “not to buy it”, then I am in fact calling him a liar. I don’t believe that’s a positive way to deal with anyone. And I especially don’t believe it is an attitude that would be helpful in trying to accept where we are in the present and help us moving forward. Does that make sense?

      I know that it may seem counterintuitive to do this, but there are some teen and adult children assume everyone will be against them. I believe they may do this out of fear. So they are not loving and generous in how they share their news. While it may not seem to make sense, it’s as if they sabotage the relationships in fear they will be destroyed anyway. This may be what your son fears. Many children hide transition from their parents- especially surgery – from their parents because they assume their parents will argue the need or the truth behind it. By this point in their adult lives- after hidden for so many years unhappily; they just want to be themselves- authentic as to how they identify and completely happy. They don’t want to be stopped. They don’t want to have to convince anyone this is right for them. They need to get there. This may be how your son is felt when he didn’t disclose that he was having surgery out of the country!

      Relationships are very dynamic and can be very involved and difficult! I hope you will consider meeting with a counselor or therapist that specializes in gender identity!! It will make this time easier for you!! Good luck to you and your entire family! May you move forward with the goal of understanding and commitment to your love for one another!

      Reply
  231. Lisa September 18, 2018 at 11:37 am #

    Please I need help when is a good time to start the process with testosterone My child is 15 my husband said 18 but he is so unhappy and it’s killing me don’t like he’s voice now he’s breast are getting bigger my insurance don’t pick up anything I don’t have the money to help please help me Lisa from Long Island NY

    Reply
    • transmom September 24, 2018 at 12:16 am #

      I am not a doctor, not am I a therapist. I do know that it can be even more traumatic for many teens to go through puberty while desiring to transition. This can be a very challenging time psychologically. I can’t stress enough that seeing an EXPERIENCED gender physician is crucial at this time! They can help guide you through the difficulty of insurance and what is best for your teen!!! Please look up the resources in your area that can support you best!
      maybe there will be some connections here:

      http://nytransguide.wikidot.com

      Reply
  232. Alice September 24, 2018 at 8:37 pm #

    Thank you for your insight. Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • transmom September 24, 2018 at 9:21 pm #

      Absolutely, Alice! We mamas gotta stay together!!

      Reply
  233. Yvonne October 2, 2018 at 11:21 am #

    I am 6 years down the line with my Son’s transition from female to male. I have been strong and supportive throughout his journey but out of the blue I was filled with a deep sense of loss when looking through old photographs the other day of my daughter. Any support or words of comfort would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
    • transmom October 4, 2018 at 4:19 pm #

      Yvonne- I’m sorry it has taken me a couple of days to respond!

      I am, too, 6 years down the road from my son’s transition. What a journey, right?!!

      Looking back at photographs can bring back ALL KINDS of feelings!! If the pictures are of our own youth, we may lament about time not spent pursuing a dream or just time seemingly squandered. But when It comes to our children, I think we are especially vulnerable!!

      Pictures of our younger children before transition may bring up feelings of loss of what we loved and cherished! It’s almost as if we are transported back into what may feel like an innocence. We once were able to thrive happily in a way we cannot now because of our worry and perhaps because our children do not have it “as easy” as they could have. Honestly, we were thrust into a journey that I doubt any of us would volunteer to travel!!! Looking back, it’s easy for any of us to long for an “easier” time! For me, it was a time that seemed less complicated. I didn’t worry about my kid in this often brutal world.

      I think if we are honest with ourselves, we may be reminded of the loss of OUR DREAM…NOT our children’s dream for themselves! I remember that being so hard for me to initially get past!

      Then our conscious self catapults us into the here and now…and for some of our children, here and now ain’t necessarily that easy. Or it’s not what WE would have chosen for them. Or it’s not what WE had dreamed for them. Being reminded of this struggle with our feelings can be painful!

      Yvonne, you are a loving and supportive mother! You are standing alongside your son and giving him the unconditional love he deserves- even when you are reminded at times that doing so is NOT automatic nor easy!

      Acknowledging your feelings- even if it includes disappointment and loss that has been in hibernation for years- is an exercise in health for you! Whatever your feelings: positive or negative, they are legitimate!! Embrace those feelings so that you are able to understand what is within. It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to have all kinds of feelings around something that impacts you to your very soul!!

      We all have our ONGOING process, Yvonne! Your son is sooooo blessed to have you process life alongside him!

      Reply
    • Annie October 23, 2018 at 5:06 am #

      I know how you feel ! My daughter 25 just started transitioning and I feel as if I’m losing her as she becomes a man .I don’t know how to feel .I’m happy for this is going to make him happy but I’m losing my daughter of 25 years

      Reply
  234. Lisa October 3, 2018 at 9:48 pm #

    Hi, thank you. Yes i have a daughter who wants to be a boy. She gave me a handwritten note last year, she was 19. I felt it was hard to write and for me to read. She had a girlfriend at the time and was the more masculine type but I was ok with that. Then the letter came that she wants to be a boy and already went to planned parenthood for testosterone shots. I struggled with if I failed her as a parent and mother. Her dad and I divorced when she was a freshman in high school such a hard time in teenage life. So I still have that guilt, if we didn’t divorce would she still be a girl? I have accepted it, but so very hard for me to say he. I’m just not used to it. Next week she is having a mastectomy. Thank you for listening

    Reply
    • transmom October 4, 2018 at 4:50 pm #

      Lisa- I wish I could reach out and give you a hug! You are beating yourself up (UNNECESSARILY!!)- and boy, can I relate!

      I, too, divorced when my (now) son was at a vulnerable age (middle school). I remarried and MOVED when he was a sophomore in high school. While I knew in my heart that in the end, these would be the best choices for not only me, but for he and his sister, I- just like you- struggled with worry when he transitioned!

      I am going to tell you what a fabulous gender therapist told me when I asked her if I might have done something to bring on or even encourage my kid’s change in gender:
      SORRY, BUT YOU ARE NOT SO POWERFUL THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO INFLUENCE YOUR CHILD’S GENDER EXPRESSION!

      Lisa, when I heard that, I laughed. Of course I didn’t “DO” this…this was my kid’s doing! It wasn’t enough that he was (like your kid) attracted sexually to women- that was a part of who he is, but it didn’t address his expression of self- his identity! Gender expression is how we see ourselves. It is internal. Believe me, there is such negativity around being transgender in this country, that if it were a “choice”, then NO one would “choose” this. BUT IT’S NOT!! Transgender is inherent in our children. In order to be their authentic selves, our children must acknowledge that they MUST make these changes- in appearance and in lifestyle!

      As a mom that worries about her kid’s future, it’s a lot for you to wrap your head around! Just know, there are a whole lotta mamas out here, like you, also questioning themselves and struggling with our own personal pain!

      It’s NATURAL for you to struggle with this: worry, embarrassment, disappointment, confusion….these are just some of the feelings you might experience. Because this can be so challenging for us- after all, it’s totally out of our control- I really encourage moms to go find a therapist (if they are experienced in gender issues, even better!!)! Sorting through our many feelings and learning how to balance our concerns and fears while we simultaneously support our kids is REALLY important!!

      I hope you are able to find a parent group you can join…this can be a life saver!!! My best to you as you continue to love your kid no-matter-what!

      Reply
    • lisasbnt October 11, 2018 at 8:48 pm #

      Thank you for your comforting words, I appreciate all your advice and encouragement. I had a long talk with her (him) and it was very informative, she has known since elementary school, and that kinda makes me feel better. That she recognized it back then but really didn’t know what it was until freshman. Thank you again

      Reply
      • transmom October 18, 2018 at 8:48 pm #

        You are most welcome! You are on your way and best of all, your child feels heard and acknowledged by you! There are many parent that choose not to embrace their child through this difficult time…but with the ongoing support that your child is already receiving from you, they will remain healthy and happy!!

  235. Cantdothis October 11, 2018 at 3:02 am #

    My daughter just came out to me about 4 days ago as FTM trans. I guess I am in the minority here but I did NOT handle it well. My daughter has always been a follower and I asked her to please seek counseling before doing anything permanent.

    I explained that I was terrified that this choice would cause hardship in her life that I couldn’t protect her from. She got angry and told me if I don’t automatically start referring to her as he and call her son that she was done with me.

    My husband and I are both devastated. We love our child more than she can know. I tried to explain that even if I did not agree or understand we will always love her.

    This was made worse by the fact that it all happened through text message. It seems from reading the messages that her girlfriend took over halfway through. Her girlfriend then called me and called me a bigot and said a few other horrible things to me.

    When my daughter started the conversation it was “I think I might be trans”. Her girlfriend just kept yelling “accept this is going to happen”

    My daughter has always been a follower so I want her to seek counseling to ensure this is REALLY what she wants. The girlfriend won’t let me speak to my daughter because she is “protecting” her from me.

    My daughter is now refusing to answer the phone or text messages.

    Reply
    • Cantdothis October 18, 2018 at 2:46 am #

      I guess I really am alone in my feelings.

      Reply
      • transmom October 18, 2018 at 8:46 pm #

        Dear “Cantdothis”,
        You are NOT alone in your experience…sadly, there are so many kids that come out to parents in less than ideal ways! You know your daughter and you have every right as her mother to be worried and upset by any sudden news- especially news that is life altering!!

        I say, always trust your gut! You know a portion of the way she came out may have be encouraged by her friend. This is common with teenagers and young adults!!! You did nothing wrong by suggesting she seek therapy.

        Now, with that said, your child is currently in a state where that recommendation will in all likelihood, not reach her. Not yet. She needs time. She needs distance from this friend. She needs to be alone with you – not rushed, but calm and ready to listen- to hear your concerns.

        That may take TIME!! Meanwhile, you have to take care of yourself because you have to wait for that opportunity. You need to be in a place where you understand that since you do not have control over this, being patient is your best option.

        I have heard from so many mothers in your same position! It is VERY painful, but try to stay the course: no yelling or arguing. If she won’t answer you calls or texts, write another text and another email. Don’t give up on her! Consider telling her that you love her, no matter what! Tell her you want to hear how she began to understand this about herself. Tell her that while you love and trust her, this is shocking news that you don’t really understand. You know you will be able to understand her if you can speak with her. Remind her that you have enjoyed a loving and trusting relationship with her and that you don’t want to lose your connection now just because things went down badly the first time around. Tell her again that you love her.

        Take time. Wait. I know it’s hard, but the ball is in her court now….she needs to be open to hear from you. And when you get that opportunity to speak your heart, please try very hard to have your comments come from you and not against her friend. Have it be about your daughter and how you want to know what this means for her!! Rememeber to tell her that everyone that loves her has a process to go through…and so that it will be a positive process with positive outcomes, you hope she will be patient with you.

        I know that, in fact, you CAN do this!! You love your daughter and she is worth waiting for!!! My best to you and you continue to reach out to your daughter!

    • Ann Carr October 19, 2018 at 4:20 pm #

      Is there any way to sort the messages on your site so that the newest entries are on top? I read your emails and often want to read the rest of the original text, but the link takes me back to the top and the dates are all mixed up. There are just too many to scroll through to find the one I’m looking for. Thanks so much! Ann

      Reply
      • transmom October 23, 2018 at 2:27 am #

        I have found a similar problem, Ann…thanks for sharing that with me! I fear I am not skilled at the workings of this blog …I need to get some support!!! I will be asking!!
        Transmom

      • Ann October 24, 2018 at 2:39 am #

        Thanks! And thanks again for providing this safe place for us to come, and always find loving support.

      • transmom November 26, 2018 at 4:11 am #

        You are most welcome, Ann! It is so important that we embrace one another through these shared experiences!!! My best to you!!

    • Natalie October 31, 2018 at 7:28 pm #

      @cantdothis You are not alone. I am right there with you. I may not be experiencing the same as you, but the parallels are similar. I’m not sure how old your daughter is, but my son – who recently came out as trans and identifies as female – is only 15 years old. He tells me that he has felt like this from a very young age. I disagree. Yes, I know it’s tough to disagree with what someone else is feeling, but I KNOW this child. He has been seeing a therapist for a year now and I have to be honest, I don’t really appreciate the way the therapist seems to just go along with whatever it is that he is saying. Rather, I would like for the therapist to really dig deep down and explore what might be at the root of this. It is awful hearing your child get angry at you and tell you they hate you and wish you were never their mother. It is even more difficult when all you are trying to do is help, but they are not able to see that. To you, I say, be strong and hang in there. You are not alone and you are understood. We are all going through it in one way or another.

      Reply
      • transmom November 26, 2018 at 7:52 pm #

        Natalie, I am relieved to hear that your son is seeing a therapist. However, I am dismayed to learn that because you disagree with the therapist’s assessment of your son, she is merely “going along with whatever it is he is saying”. I will be honest, it sounds as if you are stuck in a place where your are not able to or not willing to believe your child.

        You CANNOT know your kid’s truth- PERIOD. Just because you have not seen “proof” of other than expected male behavior does NOT mean that your child is incapable of feeling other than male! Have you considered that he may have sensed / understood early on that identifying as male was only what would have been loved and accepted so he has, instead hid his honest self/ identity from you for years?
        Perhaps if you changed therapists- one specifically trained in gender issues- and heard more of the same then you might consider his truth? I believe his comments about hate and desiring another mother are coming from his not feeling acknowledged, trusted, or believed!

  236. Array October 30, 2018 at 6:17 pm #

    I am the mother of a 30 year old Son who has started the transition. I say I have accepted this. I’ve always been very liberal in my beliefs but I have to admit that I find myself struggling with grief over my son and how to embrace my new daughter. I live in the Southeast where racism and hatred is still very much alive. Thankfully my son lives in a more progressive city in the south west(Tucson). My family is quite divided in their beliefs and I really haven’t told anyone yet. I appreciate any support you can provide.
    Sincerely,
    Pat Poole

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2018 at 7:18 pm #

      Hello Array!
      I COMPLETELY connect with what you are experiencing- and I know there are a TON of other moms out there that feel as we do!!

      It’s one thing to be very liberal and open. It’s another to experience this transition first hand…it hits us as moms in a different place. Yes, we will embrace out kids- no matter what! Yes, we are STILL liberal and open!! But this transition taps into us experiencing a changed reality: our hopes and expectations (we get to have those: we are moms!!!) are now topsy turvy!

      We loved our kid before and we haven’t yet begun to know our fully realized kiddo- there is a long waiting game in this transition ahead!!! Because we are in a kind of limbo, our emotions are caught in between! OF COURSE you are “mourning”- you have lost something that has not yet been replaced!!!! I promise you, you will one day recognize the new improved version of your now daughter and relish in her new comfort and satisfaction!

      It is important that you do NOT feel guilty about these feelings!! These are just part and parcel of the transition ride! Your kid will experience feelings from the highs of euphoria to the depths of doubt and frustration. You will ride those highs and lows every step of the way….holding your breath…waiting anxiously to know how to feel!! Are they happy? Is this fulfilling for them? Are they accessing medical care or are you in fight mode on their behalf? This behavior- our adjusting our feelings in accordance to how our kids are progressing – is incredibly common for devoted mothers! And it doesn’t change when our kiddos grow older! My son is now 31 and I am experiencing the highs of his career gains and relationship successes! But believe me, if he was suddenly “outed” or denied access tomorrow, my own spirit would plummet along with his!!

      So, Loving Mama Array, take care of yourself!
      -Know that our families sometimes disappoint us, but we can let those folks who come to us by genetics (not by choice) know that we indeed have boundaries! We will educate, explain, and continue to stand alongside our beloved children…and we hope those family members will choose to join us!
      -Stay in touch frequently with your child so that you can appreciate and bear witness to her transition and so that she feels accepted and loved along the way.
      -Seek out support from therapists trained in gender issues and find parent groups so that you are not isolated.
      -Consider keeping a journal and write about it all: fears, triumphs, and what you are learning!!

      My very best to you…YOU’VE GOT THIS!!!

      Reply
    • Ann November 27, 2018 at 2:43 am #

      You’re not alone. I’m in the same situation with my transdaughter. We live in a small town in a southern state. I started telling my family slowly. First I confided in my sister (about 6 months after our transdaughter, revealed this) and asked her to keep it between us for the time being. She was very supportive, but still, it took me about 7 months before I could bring myself to tell my more conservative family members. I was genuinely surprised and pleased with how the news was taken. So far there’s been nothing but support. They may not understand, but they love us, and accept it. Good luck to you and yours. Your family may surprise you as mine did. 😀

      Reply
      • transmom February 19, 2019 at 12:44 am #

        I LOVE THIS ANN! THANK YOU!!

  237. Natalie October 31, 2018 at 7:11 pm #

    A warm hello to all the mothers out there… I’m a 37 year old mom with a 15 year old son who has begun identifying as trans. Please forgive me… I am still in the process of educating myself and apologize in advance for anything I may say that is offensive. My son, in all of his 15 years, has never once shown any inkling or desire for wanting to be anything other than he already is. He tells me he is not gay…and if he were, it would not matter to me. He began having an intimate relationship (his first) with a girl his age at a very young age. The end of this relationship left him heartbroken and confused. When he started his first year of high school, that is when the “trans” narrative began. He asked to buy him razors and shaving cream, so that he could shave his legs. Then he wanted to wear women’s perfume. Then he wanted to wear girls’ jeggings. Now, he wants HRT. I am not OK with this is. It is difficult for me, as a mother, to co-sign something I feel deep down is a grave mistake (for him). Am I in denial? Maybe, but I really don’t think so. I have told my son that I accept him for whoever and whatever he wants to be. But the decision to take hormones is an adult decision – one that must be made after years of exploring and soul-searching. My son, of course, now hates me because I refuse to put him on hormones. He thinks I do not understand him and he refuses to speak to me. This has shattered my heart to pieces. How do I make him understand that I feel his pain and acknowledge it and love ever fiber of his being, but it is my job to protect him and make the tough decision for what I feel is in his best interest?

    Any and all advice is welcome. Thank you all for taking the time to listen.

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2018 at 7:38 pm #

      Hi Natalie!
      I am so glad that you took the time to write! I’m going to share what I now know after 8 years, as truth. You may not accept what I am about to say- I’m a stranger to you and not a therapist. But I DO want you to take my opinions and continue to reach out to learn what is best for your child.

      THIS IS A CRITICAL TIME IN YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT!! Do NOT assume because taking hormones are a huge step, that hormones are wrong for your child! They COULD save your child’s life!

      An article that I am posting today reveals, “Transgender people who are rejected by their families or lack social support are much more likely to both consider suicide, and to attempt it. Conversely, those with strong support were 82% less likely to attempt suicide than those without support, according to one recent study. Another study showed that transgender youth whose parents reject their gender identity are 13 times more likely to attempt suicide than transgender youth who are supported by their parents.”

      If your child is asking for hormones along with body shaving, wearing perfume and female clothing, then he is saying to you that he can no longer tolerate identifying as a male. You are NOT “feeling his pain” if you merely dismiss his requests: He needs to see a therapist and a doctor WHO ARE SKILLED IN GENDER ISSUES!!! Children and adults that suffer from gender dysphoria cannot be ignored or told to “wait”! Learning about what it means to identify as transgender is your most important step now- do NOT ignore his pleas for your support!

      Your job as his loving mother absolutely IS to protect him…but PLEASE make sure you are not believing you are protecting him from a reality that, going untreated, could prove deadly! He needs to be understood and that means you and he need to find out how to do that together.

      Please:
      Consider. Read. Learn. Reach Out.

      Reply
    • Judy Amedei-Starr January 11, 2019 at 3:16 am #

      I totally understand your pain and situation. It is difficult, but no matter difficult it is for us, it is more difficult for our children who are trying to feel “right”. My child, born Jackson, has been expressing his femininity since he was a toddler, It was a long journey, as his also on the spectrum, which made everything a little more complicated. At 15, he came out as gay and I was so relieved. Stupidly, I told him that I was just so glad that he was not transgender, as rejecting your body was far more difficult. Next came the name change to be non-binary. Next came the shaved legs. Next came the pro-noun change. But the desire to change genders and begin HRT was just too much for me. We went to my son’s therapist with him, and he explained to my child that WE needed time to process this. He helped explain to us that we all needed time to process. You can’t be expected to change all of your feelings overnight, and acceptance takes time. However, I always tried to respect her, and supported everything up to the hormone change. For a while. It still upsets me, but I cannot deny that my anxious, depressed, solitary, and angry son was much calmer, happier, social, and comfortable in her skin as a declared female.
      When she turned 18, she began dating another transgender woman who she met at a support group. She was a year older and already on hormones, but suffered with depression – even living a transgender life with a very loving and supportive family. Horrifically, she took her own life at 19 this past November, leaving a note to celebrate her death, as she no longer was in pain. I can’t begin to tell you how I over-identified with her mother. Sometimes, even with providing constant love and support from the outside, there is nothing you can to help someone’s
      suffering from the inside. We only have so much power.
      With that said, if your child is coming to you for love and support from you, you have a true opportunity to make this very difficult issue easier for her. Sometimes, a mother’s love and support will make all the difference, and sometimes, it will not. You will need support too, but remember that this is their life – and while 15 is still very young, perhaps you can both work together towards the goal of further exploration about HRT. Keep asking her questions and listen to her. Sometimes, listening to her experience can provide more answers than you know.
      Hang in there – you are the only mom that your child has, and they need you soooo much. Really try to be there for them.
      Just as a side note, one day, during one of our hormone conversations, I began to cry, and I hugged my big 18 year old baby boy-soon to be big baby girl. “I miss my son”. And she hugged me back and said “I’m the same person and I’m right here”. For some reason, that really resonated with me, and when I’m feeling the loss, I remember those words, said by my child to me, while hugging me with a smile.
      Good luck with your journey while supporting your child’s journey.

      Reply
      • transmom February 19, 2019 at 4:36 am #

        This is beautifully written, Judy, thank you! I hope everyone will read it and hear how challenging it was for you, and yet- despsite your pain- you stood by your (now) daughter, recognized her choice and focused on the support she needed over the discomfort you felt!

        You daughter CONTINUES to be your child- maybe a little prettier and a whole lot happier- but still your kid! I love that and applaud YOU!

  238. Laura Hadsel November 1, 2018 at 6:33 am #

    My daughter, who is almost 13, told me recently that she is transgender. Put a little history in the story my cousins adopted her 6 years ago, I wanted her to had a better life. We had a very loving family for 6 years, but I had an alcohol addiction. I’m now 3 years sober. We talk all the time. She wants me to call her Connor. I love hr so very much, she truly was my little mini me. I support him, but this is ruff for me. That’s my baby girl!

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2018 at 8:39 pm #

      Change can be difficult, Laura! I celebrate your sobriety with you and can’t imagine how difficult that must have been to make that choice to give your child a better life knowing that it meant giving her up for adoption! Selflessness and generosity, that’s what defines you! And even though she was adopted, it hasn’t decreased her love or her connection with you at all!

      Now you have yet another opportunity to be able to step up in a significant way! By calling her/him, Connor, and acknowledging “his” new identify, you reinforce the love you share, the love that she/he, like you, never gave up on despite your struggles! The love continues!! Congratulations!

      Keep focusing on the growth and the love- not the loss of someone. She REMAINS- just the identity remains. Just like your truth in sobriety- your kid has found his!!! You, more than most, knows all too well what support is needed at challenging times! YOU’VE GOT THIS!!!
      Bless you as your continue to support what your kids needs and who your kid is!

      Reply
  239. Christine goodman November 6, 2018 at 1:21 am #

    Hi my is Christine I have trans daughter I support her too but the thing is have no friend that would understand what is like to be I love her yes I do

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2018 at 8:40 pm #

      Hi Christine! It’s hard not to know other mothers that also have trans kids like you! Have you tried to find a group near where you live? Maybe I can help you find one!

      Reply
  240. Misty Gribble November 15, 2018 at 5:49 am #

    My daughter who always loved her hair her nails painted chic flicks and all the world girl shaved her head and now claims she’s Tran gender… I really can’t feel this… The girl that lives next to me is 8 she has refused her gender since 2… Mine not until 15.. Can this be right or is there something else I should be watching for???

    Reply
    • transmom November 26, 2018 at 9:07 pm #

      It CAN be absolutely “right”, Misty! Some kids know as early as 3 years old that they do not appear on the outside as they feel inside and they begin to make those important feelings known really early…perhaps before they learn that “they are not supposed to”. Other children become aware later, particularly as they face the changes with puberty and adolescence. Still others, like my son, who struggled for years with identifying as transgender- came out as gay first and then as female-to-male (FTM) transgender. MANY transgender individuals identify this truth earlier, but , frankly, many do not feel safe to share this truth. There is SO MUCH negativity around being transgender, that most children are afraid to come out- even to the parents they know will continue to love them!

      We need to be able to really listen to our kids and trust what they know to be their truth. It is okay to be scared by this idea and what it will mean for your child. It is best to help your child understand what they are going through by helping them find professional medical and psychological supports!!

      You both can learn together!!

      Reply
    • Lena Maria McCloskey February 18, 2019 at 11:38 pm #

      My daughter did the same thing when she was 17. All the shows I have watched portray a child who “acts” like a girl from an early age. My daughter did not. There is still nothing feminine about her. I keep wanting her to realize this is all just a mistake but I will support her no matter what. Her father is no longer in her life because he told her, she will always be his SON. I’m still trying to learn her world now. She has also admitted to cutting and being anorexic and bulimic. I feel so alone and over my head. They only one I have to talk to is my older son who’s 24 because he is in the same boat I am. This is the first group I have found that understands.

      Reply
      • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:15 pm #

        Lena Maria, we DO understand!! My child suffered with many of the same issues before finding his true identity! You are doing the right thing- supporting and loving your child through this time!! Do not give up hope!
        There are usually support groups and therapist that can help in most cities…I always recommend searching online for LGBT Centers in your area and then calling and asking about groups for families and young people. I would also suggest you finding a PFLAG group and searching for a gender therapist. BOTH you and your daughter will benefit from counseling! It will be a relief to you!

  241. Melissa November 17, 2018 at 3:10 pm #

    I am fully supportive of my married child who began transitioning at the age of 30 three years ago. I am distraught now though because as I get older I am not remembering to call her “her” and slip up sometimes with the wrong pronoun. What she does not realize is how hard it is to change years of conditioning. I mess up and call my grandson by my child’s original name. This causes my daughter immense hurt. Alzheimer’s runs in my family. I now cry daily over this issue and don’t know what to do. I feel as if the best thing for my daughter is to cut ties with her as every time I am around her I hurt her. I am trying so hard! It is not enough for her though

    Reply
    • transmom February 18, 2019 at 11:17 pm #

      Melissa, I can feel the pain through your words! I am so sorry this has become an issue between you and your daughter! I can only recommend that you put your sadness into a letter and send it to her to explain how you are trying and feeling. Explain how your slip-ups with calling her by the correct pronouns are NOT intentional!! Doing so actually feels similar to when you forget your grandson’s name and that doing these things really brings up fear for you! I suggest letting her know that you will CONTINUE to make an effort and that you hope that she can be patient with you. Emphasize that you love and accept her- NO MATTER WHAT!!
      You are a loving mother, Melissa; you deserve a relationship with your daughter…Please do not give up!!

      Reply
  242. Danielle Leialoha November 20, 2018 at 12:40 am #

    My oldest son came to me re: my youngest son, his little brother. That he has been taking pictures using the makeup filters and posting on Snapchat. He also stated to me that he was scheduled to go to a conference re: transgender but, feared out. I have not been told by my son. But, I want him to know it’s ok. I love him and Nothing is going to change that. How can I get him to trust me and open up? Thank you in advance

    Reply
    • transmom February 18, 2019 at 11:24 pm #

      Danielle…I have been away from my site for a long while now…I apologize! I am interested in knowing how you handled your situation with your younger son?
      I always think honesty is the best policy: yes, he may be unhappy with his brother for sharing this information with you, but when he hears that the result is that he can be his AUTHENTIC self and not hide; I believe will be very relieved!!

      Every child- no matter how old- wants to feel loved, accepted and supported by their parents! Your son is no different!

      I am sending you strength during this time of change!

      Reply
  243. KRD November 23, 2018 at 8:44 pm #

    My daughter has been gay since she was a small child. Her first crush was on a little girl in kindergarten. It was adoreable. She is married to a woman and I love her wife dearly. I just got the news Wednesday that my daughter is transitioning. On Thanksgiving it was announced on Facebook. New first and middle name, neither of which I would have chosen, but I suppose that doesn’t really matter. We had shared a middle name but that is no longer. That makes me incredibly sad. Tomorrow is the first time I will see my now son and his wife. They will be meeting my boyfriends girls for the first time, and the two grandkids. It is all going to be very real very soon. I don’t really know what more to say. It’s like my daughter committed suicide and I’m going to meet my son for the first time tomorrow.

    Reply
    • transmom February 18, 2019 at 11:31 pm #

      KRD, I have been away from my blog so it’s been a long time since you have written! I am wondering how your first “meeting” went…it was a lot of family being introduced at one time!

      I am hoping that you now see that you STILL have the SAME child!! The only differences are how your child identifies and how they present themselves to the world!! Yes you have to get used to a new name and pronouns, but I hope you see these are a small price to pay for your child’s mental well-being! And it’s it funny how his marriage WAS controversial when She was married to a woman and now, the SAME marriage is considered “Normal” and “acceptable”?!!

      We can all learn something valuable from them…life is not as black and white as we would imagine! It’s the shade of grey and the color that folks choose that make our world really wonderful!!!

      Reply
  244. Emmy November 24, 2018 at 3:20 pm #

    I am so happy that I found this site. I relate very well to Cantdothis. My entire large extended family is very conservative but we have all weathered the storm of accepting my daughter who I found out was a lesbian 3 years ago. After a few bumps, no one skipped a beat with this. She chopped off her beautiful long hair, started to dress like a guy and has gotten many arm tatttoos. Once again, we were all ok with that and accepted her. She started to smoke a lot of pot in college, took too many pills w an overnight at a psych unit and flunked 2 classes and rec’d 3 incompletes the end of her freshman year. Once again, we came to her rescue and brought her home for a semester with us. We sent her back to college last January bc she was renting a house with her high school best friend and we made a pack that if she got all A’s at home, she could go back. Since that time, I have learned she changed her name to boy name, has decided to transition, has been wearing a binder and boxers for months and is now dabbing weed on a daily basis..ugh!! I begged her to come home for Thanksgiving and she did agree for 3 days only out of 9. Fine..I was so happy to see her. Thanksgiving was horrible though!! My daughter was getting stoned all the time to deal with all of us and the extended family. She was sullen and glassy eyed. She offered her “budder?” to my son and of course he refused. My husband was furious and said it was disrespectful to bring her pot/paraphenalia into our home. However, we learned of her desire to FTM transition and she was very upset that we all still called her by her birth name. As I told her, she has had months to process this and I feel like we have been hit over the head with a large boulder. What more can we take?? My preppy senior son does everything right- valedictorian, polite, tries hard. He has applied to Yale and Harvard. I feel for him. He looks at his friend’s sisters and just wants someone normal who fits in with our family and doesn’t look like a misfit. We worry about discrimination, finding a job, health issues, using pot to self medicate and on and on. Selfishly, I am embarrassed and I am no where near ready to tell my very young nieces and nephews or older parents. In the end, I feel it would be best for her to just find a job in a liberal state and then my husband and i can just fly out to see her two times a year. We are hearbroken and sad and at our whits end with trying to help a child for 3 year straight w so many problems and there isn’t an end in sight. I am sorta done:(

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 12:41 am #

      Emmy, I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. But I am back to my blog and so happy to read your note!

      I think because so many of us feel like our children have a “choice ” in their transition, we feel we should have the ability to limit our support for them. I hope you haven’t decided to do this: we are our children’s parents forever…we brought them into this world knowing that this is not a relationship we get to choose. They are who they are. If your daughter (now son) was born with Down Syndrome, you wouldn’t be “done” with him, right? If they had schizophrenia or behaved differently because of Autism, you wouldn’t expect them to just move to a Liberal State so you would’t be embarrassed, would you? Well, your child is experiencing gender dysphoria. Your (now) son requires the opportunity to present to the world how he sees himself- wherever he lives. Whether it is convenient or comfortable for you.

      Now his pot use is something all together different!! It sounds this he has a problem and that usage is not necessarily a result of his being trans. Most transgender folks that are happy, sober, drug-free and hard-working citizens. It sounds like your child may be going through something that could be helped by therapy AND a very clear message from you, his parents:

      Here’s a sample of what you could consider saying:
      We love you. We want you to be a part of our family. We want to enjoy you and celebrate you….No matter what you look like or what name you go by! But, we have a home and live as a family in which we do have expectations and boundaries. We don’t do drugs in our home and we don’t keep drug paraphernalia. We respect one another by communicating and by being honest.

      Yes, your kid isn’t the valedictorian that does everything “right”- but maybe your child could become someone amazing if he feels confident and believed in!

      I’m saying all this because it took my kid years to find his way…through drug use and relapse, through being unemployed, to going to law school on a full scholarship to now changing the world in the works he does! I encourage you to do to the hard thing…loving your kid…no matter what he’s going through and how it may appear to others!!

      Reply
  245. Lisa November 29, 2018 at 12:36 pm #

    I felt the same way i have a son that once was a daughter he will be 16 years old I put him on blocker and what a difference much happier and that’s all I want so for me I made the right decision It was so difficult for me to do that because as a mother your like what if I’m making the wrong decision all any of us mother is to make our children happy I really feel for you stay strong Lisa from New York

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 12:46 am #

      Lisa- what a brave and loving mother you are!! You did what was right for your son!! He will be forever grateful that you believed in him and honored his identity!! Take a bow!!

      Reply
  246. Cat December 4, 2018 at 10:22 pm #

    My 15 year old daughter came out to me as non-binary a few years ago, at the time I admit I dismissed it as a phase. I realize now that I was very wrong in doing so. I love my child no matter who they choose to be, I simply want them to be happy. I am still struggling with using proper pronouns, I don’t mean to but I still see my daughter. Buying a birthday card was painful, there are only cards for sons and daughters, not for just a child. I am grieving for my child, and feel like I don’t have a child at times. If not son or daughter what do I call them? I try to talk to them about what I’m struggling with and explain my difficulties with the way things are but they don’t want to hear it at all. I have never been phobic, and I support them as best as I can. But the only thing that means support to them is using their chosen pronouns and name. Just writing this, my proper english radar says that’s not how you use that pronoun. How do I overcome what I was taught is the correct way to use them? The name change is very new, and I’m not ready to let go yet. I can’t get my child to understand this though and so they are always angry with me. The therapist is not helpful with this at all, I thought she would help my child understand that this is hard for me as well as for them. I want so badly to have our good relationship back, but they won’t listen and I can’t be ready at the snap of my fingers either. We are at an impasse. Is it wrong for me to expect my child to try to understand my struggles while they expect me to try to understand theirs? They say I’m making it about me, but that’s not my intention at all. I simply want them to understand that this does in fact effect me, and I need time to be allowed to process it all. Am I making it about me? Am I the only parent who feels like they support their child because I love them no matter what, but are told that I’m not supportive because I haven’t been successful at using their chosen name and pronouns yet? I feel like my child is being unreasonable for expecting me to never make a mistake. I would proudly stand up for them against anything or anyone, I’m proud of and do love and accept who they are and thought that was being supportive. Help please!

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 12:59 am #

      Hi Cat! I apologize for being away from by blog and not responding sooner!

      So here’s the deal…it sounds perfectly reasonable that our children should be able to understand what we go through as parents. They should be able to forgive us when we use the wrong pronouns or names….BUT…they are kids. Kids that feel dismissed and disrespected by society. Kids that are FINALLY willing to put themselves out there and announce their identities…and in doing so, they are so ready to do so, they have LITTLE patience! Our kids are not yet mature enough to grant us the time for our own journeys that we deserve.

      So should is one thing, and your reality, is another…and I have to say, experienced by MANY moms of transgender kids….even in their twenties and thirties, these are still children beginning a new truth. And they are impatient. And because we are the ones they know will love them no matter what, they take their impatience our on us!

      So, to maintain our relationships, we are the parents and must (again) make a sacrifice: WE need to be patient and let them know what WE need (cuz they ain’t asking!). We need to appeal to their love for us and ask flat out that they try to find understanding and patience because this is all new to us! This wasn’t even a possibility when we were raised; and this wasn’t what we had dreamed for them. BUT we ARE willing to align a new dream and honor who they are!!!

      I hope, Cat, you will reach out to your kid and perhaps write to them or speak to them honestly what you are going through…while continuing to tell them that you love them no matter what!

      Reply
  247. Lizzy December 7, 2018 at 6:10 am #

    hi I am a mother of a 22 year old boy going to girl..on hormone treatment she has been out 4 2 years now.. it’s a tuff journey.. where I’m really wanting her to be my son …. not only am I watching her suffer with this anxiety/depression suicide attempts.. it feels some days I’m slipping into depression as well…
    also at the moment my husband has had a hip replacement and now he’s depressed..

    I have a nine year old son who is such a happy loving boy.. who I feel for having to see all of this going on…

    another that’s going on in my life I have my daughter and granddaughter home that has come back from Aussie who is pregnant with her 2nd child, I should be doing things with them.. but am worried about my trangender daughter and hubby..

    this is only something’s I’m dealing with.. I’m sorry I needed to let this all out..

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 1:08 am #

      This is a good place to let it all out, Lizzy- no apologies necessary!
      You have a WHOLE LOT on your plate…an ill husband that needs you time, attention and care. A young son who also needs much time and an explanation of what all is going on and some suggestions so that he doesn’t feel dismissed or ignored during this crazy time. And you have a transgender child that is not doing well emotionally!! THIS IS A LOT FOR YOU TO SHOULDER! Everyone is coming to you for support…I hope that you find someone to speak to and to find time to take care of yourself…if even for a few precious moments a day…to read…to journal…to relax!!

      It sounds like your 20 year old needs to find some support himself…is thee a LGBT Center near you? Is there a therapist? Transition and finding your identity can be a really challenging time for many of our trans kids!! If you could find a family group- even better. The one near me has different groups meeting one time a month…one for parents, one for siblings, one for the trans kids themselves…something like this would benefit you all!!

      Meanwhile, continue to talk honestly to one another. Keep reminding each of your family members that you love them, believe in them, and you are doing your very best to be there for each of them!!

      Reply
  248. Alte Corco December 16, 2018 at 3:48 am #

    She’s not here any more.
    She is a He, now.
    She is gone.
    He is here.
    I’ve never had a He.
    It was a We.
    I only had one and it was a She.
    But now I have a He.

    Never had one of those before.
    What is that like?
    What is it to mother a boy?
    Not a boy. A Man?
    So new.
    So, different
    from my experience
    from my Expectations.

    I had 20 years of having a child.
    The child is no longer a child
    The child is no longer a She.

    So…
    Is the past only a memory
    or dream?

    What is, has no connection
    to what was.
    Was the past a dream?
    An illusion.
    A delusion.

    Curent reality is real.
    Curent reality has no connection
    to memory
    to past
    to relationship.

    All gone.
    No connection.
    No continuity.

    Start over.

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 1:20 am #

      This is a beautiful poem that I know so many will be able to relate to, Alte!
      And I would have said the VERY same words (had I been that talented and articulate!) my first months after my son’s coming out to me.
      But that HAS changed! I realized that while I was fearing “starting over”…I just continued down a different path. My dream for my child WAS an illusion- MY ILLUSION for her…not the life he had chosen for himself- as it should be! But perhaps most importantly, I realized that it all wasn’t gone…this transformation just took years in the making…and that the result, was blessed and connected through our love and mutual respect!

      I hope you learn the same while you, too, follow your path as a parent!!

      Reply
  249. Barbara December 27, 2018 at 2:19 am #

    My child is stating that they have never felt comfortable in their body. My child is 20 years old and is stating that they are transitioning. FTM. Now I first want to state that I currently have a very good friend who is transgender. I love her so much. So this is really hard for me to say but my child has been my WORLD. They were born with a physical disability. She has gone through multiple surgeries for her disability. She has also been the victim of emotional abuse from a former “best friend”; Belittling my child just because they could. I never knew that this was happening for years. When I finally did find out I was IRATE! I ended their interactions IMMEDIATELY. The girl was no longer allowed anywhere near my child. I switched schools, I made sure she got counseling, I supported her in every part of her “recovery” (as if years of abuse are anything anyone ever truly recovers from, I truly understand because I myself am a recovering victim of abuse). My biggest struggle with this whole thing is that she still wears makeup, girly clothes, dates and lives with a boy( born male, lives as a male) her age. My child is not pursuing counseling for gender reassignment or considering hormones. I am at a loss. My younger son told my child recently about me not using correct gender pronouns or preferred name and did not give me the chance to talk to my child first about my misgivings. Christmas was completely destroyed. My child now will not talk to me about my personal feelings they just want me to fully accept or they won’t even talk. I am torn inside. As every mom does, who tries to always support and love their child I don’t know if just throwing my own feelings to the side as we often do for our children, I also feel like I’m not being true to myself. At some point don’t I get to have feelings too? My heart is absolutely breaking.

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 1:37 am #

      I’m so sorry that your Christmas was not at all what you expected nor wanted, Barbara. But please do not let the disappointment and pain of one holiday determine the relationship with your child for your entire future!

      Here’s the sad truth that I was just writing another mom about because like you, her child was also not acknowledging her pain and feelings. I told that mom what I will share with you…my experience is that so many of these kids that are in the midst of transitioning discount others because they are impatient. And because your child knows you will love them no matter what, they have taken their impatience our on you!
      They are impatient because for the first time, they really feel authentic! They really feel like themselves! And they want to be accepted and appreciated and the world has made them feel as if they won’t be able to have that…they are bracing themselves to be disappointed. What is sad is that they don’t realize that if they were just a little more patient and understanding, a whole lot more people would be on their side!

      So, to maintain our relationships, we are the parents and must (again) make a sacrifice: WE need to be patient and let them know what WE need (cuz they ain’t asking us nicely!). We need to appeal to their love for us and ask flat out that they try to find understanding and patience because this is all new to us! This wasn’t even a possibility when we were raised; and this wasn’t what we had dreamed for them. BUT we ARE willing to align a new dream and honor who they are!!!
      Try to understand that it IS possible to forge a BETTER relationship…but that it takes work and much of it will need to come from you to start!! Good luck to you! You child is worth your effort and your love!! Hang in there!

      Reply
  250. Karen December 30, 2018 at 2:49 pm #

    I found out the day before we were traveling to see our family that our 29 yr daughter has been transitioning since early this year. We had been trying to contact her by phone and text for several months and she finally responded to my husband with a text. She was trans and had been on hormonal therapy since early this year and had scheduled “top surgery” for the beginning of the year. She wouldn’t talk to us until after her surgery as she didn’t want anyone’s feelings and opinions to alter her decision. I am so sad that she felt she has to go thru this all alone.
    Looking back she has been working her way to this decision since high school. She started wearing men’s cargo pants and loose fitted guys graphic tees. During college she was in several groups that all her friends called her Alex, she said it was her nickname. Then right after my hubby and I moved out of state she cut her hair in a very masculine style. At one point I had asked her if she was gay, reasurring her that no matter what her answer was I would always love her, she said no. I know that this was not a decision she took lightly, and I know that this will make her/him (not used to changing pronouns to he and him yet) feel whole and happy.
    I’m grateful that our son and his girlfriend knew (we are the only family that knows) about this over the summer and that they have been accepting and supportive. I just feel like I need time to catch up and to fully grieve the loss of my daughter (which when up to high school looked like my twin) and that I now have 2 sons. I have questions regarding the process and how far she is going to transition but feel I can’t ask for it is so personal, and she has asked us for space and to not try calling or contacting her that when she is ready after her surgery she will contact us.
    As a mom you want to protect your child from getting hurt and I know that people can be cruel.
    We have let her know that we are 100 percent supportive of her decision and that we love her and she is very courageous to make this decision to become the person she feels inside. Sorry for the rambling my emotions are overwhelming at times. I know her decision to not see us before her surgery is the right one for her as I am having a hard time even typing this without crying, and I don’t want my feelings to hurt her. She has had years to come to grips with this I have had days…

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 2:13 am #

      Karen, I can feel your anguish and please know that I am reaching out to you! Our kids choose to go through their transition either with us or without us…and I believe your newest son has chosen to wait because he has his girlfriend to support him AND because in his heart he knows you will be waiting.
      I would send him a letter or card of support…just to say that you look forward to seeing him and celebrating him! While I know you are crumbling with having to accept this huge news without his support, I encourage you to try to make the letter about HIM. Let him know you are looking forward to putting up new pictures in your home (keep a couple of the “mimi me” ones in your room in your space) .
      My best to you…this part will soon be behind you both!! Let the reveal begin 🙂

      Reply
  251. NeedHelp January 2, 2019 at 2:51 am #

    I need help. This is all I have in me to share at this time. I cry extremely hard just thinking about it. Do you know of any support groups for mothers who have adult children who are homosexual and may be considering identifying as the opposite sex in the Atlanta, Georgia area? Thanks in advance

    Reply
  252. Monica Thompson January 2, 2019 at 10:39 pm #

    Hi just moved to grass valley ca are there any support groups for parents of transgeder My son and husband started and i need support.

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 4:21 am #

      Hi MOnica! Chek out this page: there are several groups listed (PFLAG, Gender Health Center…) that look promising! You are doing the best thing ever to look for support in your community!! It made such a HUGE difference for me and my family!! Good luck!

      Reply
  253. Laurie January 7, 2019 at 3:44 am #

    I needed to read that. Thank you

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 4:22 am #

      Of Course!! You hang in there!!!

      Reply
  254. Confusedmom January 19, 2019 at 5:46 pm #

    My 16 yr old daughter told me she is transgender. I don’t understand am so confused. These last few months it feels like she has just been struggling with herself. In October she told me she was bisexual. In December while I was out of town she cut all her hair off and started dressing like a boy and asked me to call her by a masculine form of her name and buy her a chest binder. I said no until I did more research on the safety binders… (she’s a 38d)….everything I say or do she feels like I’m not supporting her. I don’t know where to go for help to undrrstand. How am i supposed to feel or react……it seems like all I do is push my baby away….

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 4:50 am #

      Hi Confused Mom- ya know, none of us was given a manual on how to raise a kid before we left the hospital! And when my kid came out to me at 25, I thought, “Ah Hell, I didn’t sign up for this!”…ummmm, yes I did. I wanted babies and babies are for life. They grown into humans that have free will and get to become the individuals they desire to become! So the confusion around how to deal with something completely new that you have no experience in AND bring with it fear…is HARD!!!
      First, you have to find support in your area…look up online and research a Gender Center near you…or physicians in your area that treat trans kids. Those folks- and PFLAG parent groups – can lead you to therapists and family groups that will be supportive!!!
      Next, KEEP TALKING! I think it’s important that our kids know we don’t automatically have the answers and that everything comes easily….share how you are feeling…scared…worried…, insecure….and ask your kiddo to be patient because you want to keep her safe and healthy during this time. Most importantly, remind her OFTEN that you love her- no matter the name, pronouns, or clothing or haircut!!!

      Great good luck to you as you move forward!!! You are a loving mom- you’ve got this!!!

      Reply
  255. Transma January 20, 2019 at 9:10 pm #

    My 21 year old daughter (who was born male) is having mtf surgery in two months. This has been a journey of hell for all of us.
    Not because she is transgender, but all of the emotions and psychological traumas that have gone along with it. Complicating things further is her having Asperger’s syndrome.
    Both of our kids have mental illness and one attempted suicide. I feel I have failed my children.
    I’ve been reading and researching the surgery and about the rate of suicide in post-op trans people. It terrifies me. The gender dysphoria remains and many regret it. My daughter has seen two psychologists and has gone the appropriate route to be eligible for the surgery. But I’m still frightened about the long term and what will happen.

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 4:55 am #

      You are doing your very best, Transma! This is a VERY scary journey and yours is even further complicated! I think you already know that you are doing the right thing…supporting your child NO MATTER WHAT!! No, you cannot promise happiness or absolutely prevent suicide, but you are doing everything in your power to support and love.
      YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR CHILDREN!! Saying “No, this is too hard” and walking away would be failing them. Not getting them the correct medial and psychological help they need would be failing them. No, you have nOT failed them! They are blessed to have you hang in there- still loving them even though this is incredibly scary!!!
      Hang in there…keep talking to them! Remind them that you love and believe in them!! Keep being the amazing mom that you are!!!

      Reply
  256. Dea January 23, 2019 at 2:52 am #

    My daughter is beginning her trans journey. She is 22 and has been questioning for the past few years. She is starting in therapy, is dating as a trans man (she identifies as a bisexual trans man but has only dated trans men). She still lives as a woman (as a student and in her part time job). She has told myself and her sister (who is bisexual and in a committed relationship with a woman). We are all not sure how her dad will take it. I am worried about what will happen to my relationship with my husband when she finally comes out. He has accepted my older daughters relationship, but in general, he is pretty conservative and has made statements before that he doesn’t think that being transgender is possible. I also feel that I am keeping a secret from him and that when she finally does come out to her dad that he will be angry that I have known for so long and haven’t told him. I’m torn – part of me wants to tell him but I also feel that it should be done on my trans son’s terms. I am looking for support – I feel very alone. Thanks.

    Reply
    • transmom February 19, 2019 at 5:50 pm #

      Dea, You are not alone! There are sooo many mothers out there in similar circumstances: placed between honoring their children’s requests for anonymity and being open with their spouses. It can be a slippery slope to BOTH of these important relationships and the fact that you feel so caught is proof of that!

      I think a lot of times, moms are willing to hold these secrets because we feel our utmost loyalty to our children. Yes, we love and are committed to our husbands, but our protection for our children (no matter how old they become) runs deep to our souls! So, Dea, I totally get where you are coming from!!

      I REALLY recommend that you speak to a counselor in coming to a decision about this dilemma!

      In the meantime, your daughter is an adult. I think it would be a positive step if you could reach out to her and tell her you are worried about how harboring this secret will negatively impact your relationship with her father. Appeal to her sense of compassion that she consider sending him a note privately. The note could explain that she told you, but asked you not reveal this news so that she could be able to do that herself.

      I know a mom that was placed in a similar position that would be very happy to speak to you. If that is someone you would like to connect with, please write another message here with your email address….it will NOT be public (I have to publish the exchanges for them to be public). I will be able to then email you and send her number!

      Hang in there- you do all this with love!!!!

      Reply
  257. Tiffany January 25, 2019 at 6:29 pm #

    I am so happy I found this site. My 15 year old boy came out as transgender a few days ago. I know how hard that was. My initial reaction was shock. I had no clue that he felt this way. I did, however, tell him that I love him and support his decision. The last few days I have felt an entire range of emotions, from depression over losing a son, to joy that he can finally be himself / herself. I am still trying to adjust to using she / her. I think the name change is what has hit me the hardest. We have already set up counseling and are meeting with a local support group next week. I know this is just the beginning of a long journey, but it’s reassuring to know that we are not alone in this.

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 7:41 pm #

      You are AMAZING, Tiffany!! Already so supportive and loving while simultaneously having your world rocked!!! It IS a long journey, but not one that your kid can’t manage with your loving support!!
      I am THRILLED for both of you that you will be joining others soon!!!
      KEEP BEING YOU!!!!

      Reply
    • Ann February 20, 2019 at 8:53 pm #

      Hi Tiffany,
      You’re only a few days in and you already have a counselor and support group set up. That’s great! Congratulations! I would caution you to make sure you and your child are aware going into this, that every transperson and their family have a unique road to travel. Yes, there will be some similarities to others, but each path has some different twists and turns.

      As for your use of appropriate pronouns and a new name, you do the very best you can, and let your child see that you’re making a real effort. Hopefully your child will understand an occasional misstep.

      You said that the change in name is hard for you. So I’d like to share my own experience. My husband and I picked a name that we really liked, and decided we would use it for a boy or girl, as it works for both. At first my (mtf) daughter said she would keep the same name. We were so glad. She truly would be the same person, just different pronouns. But she tried it and found that she needed a clearer line. While I wanted to hold onto that part of her, she needed the change. I asked to help pick out her new name, and she let me have some input, but ultimately she picked her own name. Fortunately it’s not one that I dislike, even though it’s not one I would probably have picked. I guess the reason I’m sharing this is to say you’re not alone. And also to let you know that my child went through 3 or 4 names before settling on one. And about 19 months in, I still mess up sometimes.

      We love our kids and want the very best for them. But we’re only human. Give yourself a moment to digest this huge change. It sounds like your child knows you’re all in, but reassure as needed.

      Good luck to you both!

      Reply
      • transmom February 23, 2019 at 6:55 pm #

        Hi Ann! What a lovely and uplifting message you share!! THANK YOU!

        I loved how in the end you shared that it had been only 19 months since your child’s transition….it is a short time in which we can see you have had to deal with many changes and challenges, and yet the calmness and acceptance you demonstrate through your words speaks volumes!

        There are many important take-away’s in your message- things that will resonate differently with many of our moms here!

        I’d like to add to your last line if I may:
        EACH of us needs reassurance! While you continue to talk openly to your child, don’t be afraid to say, “I want you to know I am trying very hard: to honor you by using your correct pronouns, respect you new name, and support you during this challenging time. How am I doing? “

  258. Lena McCloskey January 26, 2019 at 8:26 pm #

    I am so completely overwhelmed lately. I have a daughter who’s 20. I accepted the transgender okay but everything offends her. I said her fathers name last night because she was acting like him and she freaked out. (They HAD the same name). But after the fight calmed down, she confessed that she has an eating disorder which I suspected and she cuts herself to self harm. Also suspected. I guess I’m still in the frame of mind of what the hell did I do to this kid??? Her father has just about disowned her so me and her brother are all she has. My friends are supportive but they don’t know what I’m going thru. I don’t know what to do to help her. I have a doctor I’m going to call but until then what do I do??

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 7:38 pm #

      Hey Lena! This is not just a physical transformation that our kids seek, but it involves their mental health as well! My son also cut himself very early on and had issues with substance abuse. You are not alone on this journey!! The good news is that there are fabulous gender knowledgeable therapists out there that your child needs to connect with! I hope you continuing to reach out to your child and reminding her of your support as you search medical and emotional support during this time!! You would also benefit from finding a support group near you! Look online for PFLAG groups in your area or call the LFBT Center and/or Gender Center nearest you and ask about referrals for therapists and support groups for both you and your daughter!!!

      Good luck to you….you are doing all the right things!!

      Reply
  259. Angelia Johnson January 27, 2019 at 10:13 pm #

    My daughter came out to me last year saying she was gay. But it was much deeper than that she graduated and started college then she started therapy to talk about her problems. She then came back and said that she feels more masculine than feminine I accept that. I have just always thought it was my fault.

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 7:45 pm #

      Angelia, I thought the same thing at first…what did I do? Did I encourage this? How did I fail my kid. Then a very wise therapist told me, “Don’t think you are all that powerful that you, as a mother, are able to influence your child’s gender and identity.” I realized after hearing that statement that I was being ridiculous!

      We bring our children love, support, nurturing, and care and at some point, they- and only them- find themselves. It is in our continuing role as mothers that we support their choices and celebrate who our children become.
      Continue to do just that, Angelia, and your beautiful child will be healthy and happy with your by their side!

      Reply
      • Angelia Johnson February 21, 2019 at 1:30 am #

        Thank you for those words that really helped me

      • transmom February 23, 2019 at 6:57 pm #

        I’m so happy that it did, Angelia! You are a loving mother!!

  260. J January 30, 2019 at 3:16 am #

    My beautiful child is 11 and being newly exposed to the expression transgender has changed my life . We are from a small town and I am in desperate need of connecting w/another mother who is or has experience this . I feel alone and am my child’s biggest fan .

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 7:47 pm #

      Can you please respond and send me your email…it will NOT be published (only I can do that here)…and I will send you the email of a fabulous parent who has successfully navigated this journey with her child!!

      Reply
  261. Mary February 1, 2019 at 6:41 pm #

    My daughter is having a difficult time with her brother coming out as transgender. Are their any support groups in Houston just for siblings and parents of transgender individuals?

    Reply
  262. Becky February 10, 2019 at 9:03 pm #

    Hi, my 16 year old daughter is starting her testosterone in a couple of days time. I’m feeling anxious about my baby girl changing. I’ve cried so much and worried what have i done wrong. But i finally woke up one morning and said to myself “I love her”. Whatever she/he becomes that wont go away. Hoping to find some support and encourgement to keep me strong for her becoming him. Understanding new wording. Its so confusing. Becky

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:07 pm #

      Because this is new and not what you were expecting (or wanting) for your daughter, of course you are worried and confused. For so many of us, this is a totally new experience and we do not yet know anyone Trans ourselves! This makes us feel isolated!
      You have already realized the truth- you love your child unconditionally! That is really the greatest gift you can give her, Becky: your love and emotional support!!
      Time will help you become accustom to the slow and steady changes….and you will be able to still love your child no matter what!!
      Remember- you DID NOT have anything to do with your child’s gender identity!! This is hers alone!!
      Continue to be the loving parent that you are! She is blessed to have you!!!

      Reply
  263. Alicia Morgan February 16, 2019 at 5:41 pm #

    PLEASE help me. Im a parent of a 15yo ftm. My child does not understand my process at all. I have no support and no clue what to do.

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:10 pm #

      Where are you located, Alicia? There are usually support groups in most cities….lots of great books, and counseling with a therapist that specializes in gender will be the greatest comfort to you!! Can you look online and call a LGBT Center near you to see what resources they have near you? Can you look up PFLAG groups in your area? Also reach out to your daughter’s physician!!
      My best to you!!!

      Reply
  264. Scarlett February 17, 2019 at 3:58 am #

    Hi. I am a mother of a transgender child. I am having a extremely difficult time with this issue. I have nowhere to turn and feel guilty and hopeless. If you know of any support group please let me know.

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:10 pm #

      Hi Scarlett- where are you located? How old is your child? Please sen the info so I can reach out…

      Reply
  265. Sally Kline February 20, 2019 at 12:39 am #

    My daughter will be 30 years old this year. She had SRS surgery 4 years ago and is the most amazing young woman. At 16 he came out as gay and after 10 years of struggle with issues and programs and mental illness professionals help along the way. She is much happier than he ever was but it has not been easy for anyone in our family. I think God for keeping our family together and never questioning our love for our child even when life felt unbearable at times.

    There were friends whom I hadn’t known for over 30 years personally and throughout my career, The people whom I thought it would always be there for me for the first to judge and walk away. The people I had helped her the most difficult of their days slammed the door and look the other way. No one on this earth has the right to judge- If you don’t have faith as a family you’ll never make it through. You come to realize God is the only one who can truly God is the only only judge. My husband and I have been together for 35 years. We have another daughter who is 26 that that has dealt with the loss of her big brother. She was 11 when this all started with her brother.
    Wh
    Very few websites can share the true stories of the loss the family struggles through together. I have been through loss before at the time, duration and agony is overwhelming and misunderstood.

    I’m not a good blogger and so appreciate you’re putting this up. It has been a long difficult journey for our family- we support each other – it’s not one person – it’s a transfam- Those people down the street… You know the ones I’m talking about? That’s us

    There are so many things to share along the way but I’ll get to that another day.

    Reply
    • transmom February 20, 2019 at 8:19 pm #

      Thank you soooo much for sharing a part of your journey, Sally! You and your family have endured so much pain in honor of your child’s identity and happiness! It is never easy to have to explain yourself or seek support from people that are closed- minded or unable to see our children for their truths! But standing by and loving your kid unconditionally is what motherhood is all about…and you continue to be a stellar example of that love! Thank you!!

      Reply
    • Tiffany February 20, 2019 at 8:49 pm #

      Thank you for sharing. My son just came out as transgender a few weeks ago. I have to remeber to say she and call her by her new preferred name, Evelyn. We have gone to a support group meeting and I set her up with a counselor. It seems that there are far less male to female transgender kids in our area than female to male. I am doing my beat to be supportive. However, last week Evelyn confided to me that one of her close friends also came out to her mom as transgender (male to female). I just found that to be really odd, as this boy never seemed the elast bit feminine to me. Now it’s making me think that this friend is copying Evelyn. But I’m not sure why. It’s just so strange to me that this child only realised this about themselves after having Evelyn explain how she feels about herself. I don’t want to say that this is a “fad” or trendy thing to do. I just don’t know what to think. I have been completely supportive of my child from the beginning. I’m just hoping that counseling will help her get to the root of this.

      Reply
      • transmom February 20, 2019 at 11:51 pm #

        Hi Tiffany! Only your daughter’s friend will truly know if he is genuinely transgender or not. Many transgender individuals are able to hide their true identities for decades-Caitlyn Jenner is the perfect example of this! We are not in a position to label someone else’s journey a fad or authentic. We can only ourselves and supportive of those around us!
        I know you will continue to do just that!

  266. Music Mom February 21, 2019 at 2:00 pm #

    Greetings. This is my first post. My 22 year old recently came out to me as a trans woman. I suspected that she might be gay; this was a surprise. I am supportive.

    I would like to find a Mom support group in my area. Also, we have been looking for counseling to help my kid navigate through coming out and transitioning. She has always been extremely introverted.

    I have been told that I will be going through a grieving of my “son”. So far, this has not happened. Is this inevitable? Should I brace myself?

    My biggest fears are that my child will be hurt. Her father and other family members may not be very kind. Also I have fears about society/prejudice.

    Peace and Love,
    Music Mom

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2019 at 7:03 pm #

      Welcome Music Mom! You are already doing all the “right” things…you are reaching out to other moms here (sometimes just sharing your current thoughts can be a relief!!), you are seeking a support groups and counseling, and – most of all- you are “all in” with your child: supportive and loving!!

      I believe we all share in your “biggest fears”- being hurt by the community and family members is a real possibility for all transfolks- and sadly, a likely experience along the way. However, you have raised a strong kid: she is willing to come to you for support while seeking her own truth!! That takes guts!!!

      Where do you live? I can help do a search in your area and we can give a shout out here as well!

      Meanwhile, keep being the fabulous, loving and accepting mama that you are!!!

      Reply
      • Music Mom February 25, 2019 at 7:04 pm #

        Hi transmom. Thank you for your reply.
        I live in Columbia, MD. It’s between Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD,
        I’ve contacted three councilors in our area that specialize in working with trans folks and their families. Non of them have returned my calls. I would prefer not to use a councilor that specializes in working with the LGBTQ community.
        I haven’t found any support groups yet.
        The closest I’ve found is this website.

      • transmom March 3, 2019 at 8:33 pm #

        https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/md/columbia

        Have you tried all of these folks? I understand your desire to find someone specifically skilled in the area of transgender issues, but sometimes, connecting to a Gender Center and asking for leads can get you there!! I also recommend that you find out which physicians in your area treat Transgender CHILDREN….They often really have a beat on family support groups!! When I couldn’t find one for parents of adult trans kids , connecting with other parents-even those with younger kids, was just as important for me! PFLAG may also have groups in your area…remember, all it takes are a couple of connections to rid yourself of isolation!!! PLEASE: Don’t give up!!

  267. Eva B February 21, 2019 at 2:02 pm #

    (Please forgive my use of incorrect pronouns.) My husband and I are in shock. Our beautiful 35-year old “daughter” just came out to us as FTM. Until two days ago, we saw her as happily married to a kind, loving man, proud mother of a toddler who she breastfed for over a year, and satisfied with her lovely family and her life. We have spoken at length, and it appears this decision is irreversible. S(he) has already begun to transition by talking testosterone and chopping off her(his) long hair. (S)he’s planning on coming out to more to her (his) close circle in the near future and then coming out fully within a few months. Her(his) husband has been very patient and tries to be supportive, but is still confused. I grieve for my child’s past sadness, uncertain future and for the upheaval in the lives of her(his) child and husband. I fear for her(his) future in a world that is not always accepting and tolerant. (S)he has faced discrimination and rejection before as a person with a disability from birth and I fear this will open many old wounds that had been healed by (among others) a man who loved her, cherished her, married her and gave her all she appeared to want. She seemed so happily married and in love with her life. And now we are informed that the now feels she has lived a lie. It’s hard! Are there any other grandparents in this group who are going through a similar experience? Marriage breakup, grandchildren in the mix?

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2019 at 7:25 pm #

      Hi Eva!
      I’m sure there are others reading now that will relate to your current situation…many mothers have written in with stories that have also been complicated and involved grandchildren and spouses. You can look back to the posts on this blog to find others!

      Eva, I’m going to ask you to keep taking deep breaths. This is a HUGELY difficult time for ALL involved, but you won’t be of any support to your child if you are gasping for air!! Does that make sense?

      Here’s what I know to be true: and really for any of our kids – not only yours:
      The train has left the station. Your child is an individual that knows their truth and none of your fears will dissuade how powerful the need is for them to follow and honor that truth!

      That’s how BIG this transition is…even though it could be the end of a supportive marriage…even though it may be challenging for your grandson, even though your child will face intolerance and rejection….those conditions are actually worth tolerating because the alternative: leading life as a woman, is not a choice!!! As cisgendered folks, this is REALLY hard for us to relate to ….but it is, in fact, why so many transgender individuals take their own lives….it is intolerable to live a lie.

      When we take the time to breathe deeply, we are able to acknowledge that we really did not wield any power to change our kid’s situation. Instead, we have the ability to provide support, to ask, “How can I help?”, and be there to reassure them that a better life IS ahead!

      Keep Breathing , Loving Mama…your kid needs your strength and belief in her…the VERY SAME strength and belief that you provided all the years that she needed growing up with a disability!! You know how to do that: be you!!!

      Reply
  268. Tiffany Lacson February 24, 2019 at 7:40 am #

    Hi my Name is Tiffany, my 12 year old daughter rhyan told me one month before her 12th birthday that she was Trans. I was hoping it was a phase, which I know after research its probably not. Anyway I love my daughter/son no matter what, but it is so hard, it feels like a child died, I have raised a girl for 12 years and now she is gonna become someone else physically. All the girl things I was excited to do with her are not gonna happen. My friends can’t understand how I feel. I support my child but my heart is broken. Also I am afraid of how he will be treated. I just want to cry. Anyone know how I am feeling

    Reply
    • transmom February 25, 2019 at 12:35 am #

      We sure do know how you are feeling, Tiffany!!! MANY moms characterize their feelings upon hearing that their child will identify as the other gender as a “loss” or “death”. IT IS COMMON!!! and here’s the great news: this is only TEMPORARY!!

      When my (now) son told me, I immediately cried. I told him that I wasn’t crying for him, but rather myself: I had never been a mother to a son…would I be adequate? I already had a good relationship with HER…would it continue with HIM?! I told him that my tears were largely those from fear.
      My son told me that each of us has our own “process” and I so appreciated learning this!! It allowed me to not feel as if I had to suddenly be “yippy skippy” about this news. It was true: I needed my own time frame to adjust! You, too need to take this time and not feel guilty for anything you are feeling!! It’s okay to be broken hearted initially….you had dreams and expectations, after all!!
      However, this is when it all starts to reformulate from “brokenheartedness” to the ah-ha: these are YOUR dreams and YOUR expectations….you just will make new ones. So your kid is not going to be in a wedding dress…but they will look amazing in a tuxedo! You won’t go to the spa maybe, but you can go to another place HE enjoys (maybe it is still a spa cuz my kid likes massages).
      Your dreams just reform over time. You experience the pain of losing what YOU wanted and now will transform those into celebrating what your kid now aspires to!
      My son is no longer going to be a mother…but he is now married and his beloved (whom we adore!) will have a sperm donor and I may still get to be in the room when that baby is born!! (one never knows if that is going to be the case- but I am hopeful).
      Tiffany, you will, over time, become SO USED TO YOUR SON, that you will have a hard time conjuring up the girl he replaced!! It’s gradual and it just happens….all of a sudden you will notice (down the line) that you only think of HIS name and use male pronouns automatically! You will do this over time as you learn to champion and celebrate your son!

      Reply
  269. Angelia Johnson February 24, 2019 at 11:23 pm #

    HI Tiffanie my daughter is 20 and told me that she is trans she is transitioning right now. I know exactly how you feel I’m losing my daughter and I don’t know how to feel but I want him to be happy that’s all that matters

    Reply
    • transmom February 25, 2019 at 1:04 am #

      Angelia, thanks for your encouragement to Tiffany and our other moms that are also experiencing this sense of loss!!

      Reply
  270. Vicki March 10, 2019 at 11:42 am #

    Hi
    My name is a Vicki from NJ. My son is 21 and just told us that he is trans. I am in total shock. The introduction to the blog was so helpful because he also has had no signs or complaints about being a woman in a man’s body. And I have wondered if this is actually gender or sexual confusion.

    He is on the autism spectrum, he was diagnosed w Aspergers in 4th grade. He has significant ADD. He already has so many challenges. I fear for him. How will he ever do this? How will I ever do this?

    Reply
    • Sue e March 16, 2019 at 5:22 pm #

      Hi, I can’t help but I do understand.
      My son, now daughter, Jade is also on the autistic spectrum, very high functioning at school, and I had no idea until aged 22. It upsets me but only because of other people’s predjudice, but there is nothing I can do to change anything. So now I accept her as she is. I worry about her height, as she is 6’3 and her work and the way other people might treat her however I have become so much more accepting and I still love her, my child, very much, maybe more.
      I wish you all the love. There are some wonderful people on the site x

      Reply
    • transmom March 16, 2019 at 8:52 pm #

      Vicki, I feel for you! Your child has a lot going on and as a Special Education Teacher of 36 years, I totally understand the additional “layer” you are dealing with. I think it is SUPER common that we as moms doubt if our child’s assessment of themselves is accurate. Why wouldn’t we question when we know the additional hurdles and potential discrimination they will face?!! Of course we would, instead, prefer our children to be comfortable in the gender identity from birth. This is a part of our journeys as moms…to navigate these questions as we watch our children find comfort and authenticity!

      I doubt that his identity has anything to do with his preferences sexually. Those are two separate issues. My son was viewed as homosexual prior to his transition, and now he is “seen” as heterosexual because he is married to a cisgendered (female at birth) woman. But it doesn’t necessarily turn out that way! How you go to bed (as male or female) is your gender identity…WHO you go to bed with is your sexual identity or preference.

      I believe therapy will benefit you ad your child during this time…not to demonstrate any doubt or reluctance to accept his decision…but rather to support this very challenging time!

      How will you do this, Vicki? Just like you have done all these years supporting all of his learning and social challenges: with fierce love and acceptance!! You’ve got this!!

      Reply
  271. Galia Sanchez March 11, 2019 at 3:32 pm #

    Hi my son just became a woman, he legally changed his name. He’s very smart, just graduated with a bachelor in computer science, I’m very proud of him. I’m also worried about the lack of job opportunities for transgenders, also there’s a lot of discrimination, bullying. When I went with my son to the supermarket I heard some guys saying, OMG THAT GUY IS NASTY, DISGUSTING. I felt so sad and cried, my son told me don’t worry Mom nobody is better than me and don’t care what they say about me. I heard many stories about transgender being killed, I’m so scared something bad could happen to my son.

    Reply
    • transmom March 20, 2019 at 6:51 pm #

      Hi Galia,
      First of all, I applaud your unconditional love, support and celebration of your daughter!
      I think MANY of us moms worry especially about violence that our children might encounter and the lack of opportunities for them in the workplace after they transition. In general, it can be much harder for a Trans-Females because they might not always “pass” as easily and lead to grater opportunities for targeting and discrimination. It is insidious!!
      When parents or others doubt the validity of our children’s need to transition, I always remember how brave and certain our children are to choose this truth knowing they face such obstacles and even aggression! But our children deserve their lives and they are determined to pursue it honestly!! What wonderful role models they are for us!
      Galia- we can only continue to support them and encourage them! With their permission, we can research supportive areas of housing and skilled medical providers. We let our kids lead the way while we pray a LOT and continue to teach the world what love looks like!

      Reply
    • Sue March 20, 2019 at 6:55 pm #

      Hi, you could be talking anout my child. She was he. She has changed her name and is having electrolysis to remove unwanted hair.
      She has two top degrees in Computer Science and a job, which she started before she changed gender. I worry all the time, she is 6’3. I worry about how horrible other people are. However she says she is happier. And I have read that people have problems because they are not supported so I try my best to support. She is still the same lovely person she always was.
      Very very best wishes, Sue xx

      Reply
  272. Jody March 21, 2019 at 4:15 am #

    I would say “good for your daughter”. I can remember my daughter saying “God does not make junk”. We have no idea what it feels like to be them. Who in their right mind wakes up every morning and gets dressed, puts on make up that they feel they need to to pass, goes to work, then goes grocery shopping, and then has to assure their mom that it’s alright, that they are safe. That’s a strong young woman. Kudos to her, and you. You’re right there next to her.

    Reply
    • transmom March 31, 2019 at 5:40 pm #

      Well said, Jody!! ABSOLUTELY!!!

      Reply
    • Sue Beesley March 31, 2019 at 8:07 pm #

      ❤️

      Reply
  273. Denise March 21, 2019 at 3:44 pm #

    I just found out my 24 year old son wants to transition to a girl. I feel like i have always known but i didnt know how to start the conversation. He told me yesterday and i am relieved and scared because i want him to be happy. i know my immediate and extended family will not be so understanding. How do i help him and protect him?

    Reply
    • transmom March 31, 2019 at 5:52 pm #

      Denise, you are obviously a VERY loving mother!! Sadly, you cannot protect your adult child….they are out there in the world and she (soon!) will have to face folks that are not always kind. However, in talking and planning, you can help manage the family fallout for those that you anticipate won’t be generous of spirit.

      Find out if your soon-to-be-daughter wants you or she to disclose this news to those family members or if she would like this news to remain personal right now. This is an important conversation!

      When my son came out, he did give us permission to share in whatever way we felt comfortable. For use, some family members met us privately for coffee for us to chat face-to-face. These family members (our siblings and mother)needed a time and space to be able to ask whatever questions they had and actually SEE that we were supportive and understanding. Other close friends received phone calls wherein in we chatted in depth, again, answering questions and concerns. Then there were emails and letters to others, in which we shared the news and also included that while we were very happy to address questions, we let it be known that we were completely supportive and weren’t welcoming any negative or discouraging comments.
      I know that you and your child together, will make thoughtful decisions that will support them during this time! Keep celebrating your kid! Together, you will forge ahead this new beginning!!! My best to you both!!

      Reply
  274. Paula March 24, 2019 at 1:47 pm #

    I am a mother of a transgender son who is 18 and I am feeling lost in regards to college challenges and seeking support and guidance .
    Thanks

    Reply
    • transmom March 31, 2019 at 5:54 pm #

      Hi Paula! I am wondering if your son is about to go away to college? There are definitely some colleges that have more support programs than others. I’d love to know where he is and what specifics you need!

      Reply
  275. TransTeen March 29, 2019 at 5:29 pm #

    Hi. Found out last night that my 14 year old daughter is trans. I originally was told she is gay, and I have been very supportive of her, regardless of how she feels sexually. Then, we thought she was asexual. Now it is trans. She is in therapy for depression and anxiety. Went on a group trip over spring break, and bought pants and shoes from the mens department (that I paid for). She is a freshman in high school, and is part of the drama troupe there. This was such a shock to me, and I am really struggling with this. When she was little she played with dolls, and wore dresses. At the beginning of the school year, she was wearing makeup and seemed to be “comfortable in her own skin”. Now, it is boys clothes, wanting to cut off her hair, etc. I don’t understand if she is really trans, why was she a normal girl when she was younger? I am trying so hard to come to terms with this. We had a long talk in the car this morning on the way to school. I told her I will always love her, no matter how she looks, or what we call her. I also told her that I am struggling with this, and that I need time. I told her that I felt we should wait for any treatments until she is finished with puberty. She wasn’t happy about that, but I feel that is the best thing to do for now. I invited her to share any information she has with me, to help me to understand, and come to terms with this. I have cried a lot over this, and really have felt rather depressed. I worry about her peers bullying her, and worse. I feel so lost, and need to find support in my area. I don’t think I can do this alone, and my husband is going to freak out when he finds out. He is out of town, and I have not talked to him yet…but he is very old school in his thinking, and has never understood any lifestyle different from his own. I will love and support my child, no matter what, and would never abandon her during this stressful time, but I worry about not saying the right things, or making her feel worse about herself while I try to come to grips with this all. Help! Any advice would be greatly welcomed. We live in a small town in central Florida (just south of Gainesville).

    Reply
    • transmom March 31, 2019 at 6:16 pm #

      HI Momma of TransTeen!
      I know this is a very scary time for you…and I am certain just as scary for your daughter! But the talking part you have down! KEEP TALKING!!! Try to ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me about how it felt to show up in your new clothes at school today?” Just listen and don’t feel like you have to have an opinion! Also consider talking to your daughter about the supports that she may find in school! Many high schools now have LGBT organizations and the staffs are also very familiar with the challenges these students may encounter! They are already equipped and trained!! Perhaps your daughter would feel comfortable confiding in her school counselor?

      I would also suggest that you try to talk less about your own struggle and fears and focus instead on your daughter and her feelings! She doesn’t need to be worrying about taking care of her mom right now…she can’t feel truly supported if she has to think before she speaks and feels guilty about what she may be putting you through and this may cause her to feel as if she cannot truly confide in you. Does that make sense?
      That’s where finding support for YOU comes in…BOTH of you having a therapist will help! Especially because you will be dealing privately with your husband and trying to navigate that!!

      Please check out this link…is this in your area?
      https://pediatrics.med.ufl.edu/patient-care/hospital-clinics/youth-gender-program

      Please keep me posted!!! Great good luck to you as you begin this journey!

      Reply
  276. ziebrain March 31, 2019 at 10:03 pm #

    I am a mom of a 39 year old woman with two young children who has just told me she is transitioning to male. Her male mate of decades is hanging in there. I am sad but supportive, my husband is angry. My biggest concern is the young (3 & 5) children. Does anyone in this group have experience with a similar situation. I can only imagine difficulty ahead for the kids who I adore. Would love to hear some words of advice or lines on support groups that meet face to face. This news is just a week old, and is still very raw for me.

    Reply
    • transmom April 8, 2019 at 6:01 pm #

      Of course this can seem worrisome with young children, “Z” but it sounds like your child and her partner have this under control!! They are partners for years and (his) partner is staying with him. While I know this is very raw and new to you, this leads me to believe this is long been something they have known and considered privately! I bet if you have a discussion about how thoughtful they have been in this process, it will be of comfort to you!
      Happily, the world for our children and especially our grandchildren is very different…yes, there is plenty of prejudice and hatred to go around…but not so much with the youngest of generations! They are growing up at a time of identity expressions that never existed for us. Those 3 and 5 year olds are young enough to learn that this is what will make their family whole and happy…they will experience that while their mom looks different; their love for her does not change even though her outer appearance is altered.
      I would recommend you and your husband finding a family support group and/or a therapist that specializes in gender. Look online to find a PFLAG group near you. Investigate LGBT support groups in your area….looks under gender support and transgender support.

      Please remember: EVERYONE has their own process!! Sometimes fear can be demonstrated at anger, so your husband may not travel the same emotional route as you. KEEP TALKING!

      I suggest reading! Jennifer Finney Boylan is a trans woman. Her 2003 autobiography, She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders is wonderful!! While she is a transwoman and your child is a transman, you will still appreciate how she navigated this change with her wife (who is still with her) and their children!!
      My very best to you! Strength, courage and determination are yours!

      Reply
  277. Steph April 2, 2019 at 2:00 pm #

    My eighteen year old son has come out as transgender in the past year. S no longer lives with us and is someone that I do not know. I love my cdren no matter what. No matter what I do not understand I love them unconditionally. My do through his process had lied, been verbally abusive and self destructive. Our family is a wreck. He is on hormones and will not talk/come out to any other family members. Our hearts are broken because of him and for him. We love him very much but he pushes us away. My daughter (his sister) misses the person that she used to know. As we as his parents do as well. I want I be apart of his life and love him no matter what but I am having a problem with accepting this change and resistance. Please help with any useful words of advice.

    Reply
    • transmom April 9, 2019 at 9:40 pm #

      I feel how painful this time has been (a year is a looooong time!!) for you and your family. Yours is not typical, but not unusual to the moms that reach out to one another here.

      It is EXTREMELY difficult to have an adult child that goes through any type of significant change or decision! They are adults, and we- the family and mothers- are left to whatever our children will let us be a part of and participate in. Our is not a comfortable position of choice….not in the journey they choose and not in the amount of participation, influence, or support we can give.

      I encourage your family-if you haven’t done so already- to seek the support of a therapist that is familiar with these types of REALLY challenging dynamics! We ALL have our journey and our process to contend with transition…even when our child excludes us in communication and involvement! You each deserve the peace of mind that comes with therapy….it is the process of finding your peace, even though you are filled with fear, huge disappointment, understandable resentment, and loss!

      I send you strength as you continue to love your child from afar!

      Reply
  278. Melissa April 3, 2019 at 10:07 pm #

    We’ve known since December that our daughter is trans. Today, 3 months later, I can’t stop crying. My heart is breaking & I feel like I’m losing my child. I feel like a failure as a mom & a woman. My soul is tired. Life feels out of control. Is there anyone else out there?

    Reply
    • transmom April 9, 2019 at 9:55 pm #

      Each of us who has a transgender child questions ourselves!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE, Melissa!
      When we conceive and carry our children, we mothers worry from day one: will my baby be healthy? will they find safety in their lives? We can’t help but envision and dream for our beloved offspring!! IT’S NATURAL!

      And if you are anything like me…you did NOT dream of having a transgender kid!! This possibility wasn’t even on my radar a little bit..and when I did see “signs” of my kid being trans early on, I was the QUEEN of denial!
      When we know this transition to be the truth…we can no longer hide. And there in develops our pain: we cannot escape that we are disappointed. Then we feel guilty that we are disappointed in our children, right?!! UGH! And the fear of what will life be like…and will they be happy? and will anyone love them?? and will be pass and be accepted….the list is endless and we feel so burdened from its weight!

      It was perfectly stated when you said, “My soul is tired”!! I know that feeling and countless moms that read your words- literally from around the world- identify with and share in your pain!

      But here’s the incredible part: your child is BRAVELY choosing to be themselves! They are choosing to celebrate their TRUTH despite the pain, the challenges, and the nay-sayers! AND YOU ARE NOT LOSING YOUR CHILD!! They are NOT dead!!! They are VERY much alive and choosing life in the way they can be happy!! No, it is not how YOU would choose them to experience life, but it IS their own life to live! That is simply, why they are here!

      I promise you, if you choose to embrace your child, you will learn to love like you never had before and learn from your child in ways that you never thought you were able! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

      Please, close your eyes and envision your daughter HAPPY and HEALTHY with you by her side! She may look and sound differently in the future, but she or he will ALWAYS be your baby and you will always be her/his loving mother!!!

      Reply
      • Carrie April 28, 2019 at 9:15 pm #

        I am struggling with so many emotions, grief, denial however I have never stopped loving my child. My son at the age of 30 is transitioning to be a women. This has been the hardest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Sometimes I just can’t control my tears just so many emotions but I want my transitioning son to be happy and want to be supportive. I am really struggling with using the correct pronoun as my brain just does not seem to understand but my heart never wants to be hurtful. I am trying but it is so hard. Thank you for this website as I have tried to find a family support group near me with no success.

      • transmom May 4, 2019 at 6:46 pm #

        Hi Carrie (my mom’s name!! Love it!),

        Where are you located? Maybe I can help you search for support near you!

        We moms go through so many emotions when we hear this news…even though, when we are honest with ourselves, we MIGHT have sensed that this transition was a possibility, we are still thrown off kilter! We worry about our kid’s future and if they will be accepted by the world and if they will find love and contentment. This is a really normal reaction. Allow yourself this time to feel all of this!!

        The pronoun thing IS hard…but you WILL get there I promise! Start by first using their chosen name instead of the new pronoun. Literally practice talking about your son aloud when you are alone….30 years of using a different pronoun is NOT something that comes easily!! Give yourself a break…you are trying!!

        Let your son know that you are trying. Let HER know that you are doing the mommy-worry thing and that you know that it is a process…but you will get there with the name, the pronouns, and even the worry. Ask how you can help demonstrate your support. Ask HER how she is doing. What is going well? What is more of a struggle?

        Talk to your son about HER plans for coming out to family and friends….does she want you to write family and friends a disclosure letter? (I have a sample one on this website).

        Keep working it , Carrie- I know you will be great! Your kid is so blessed to have your unconditional love!!

    • Lena Maria McCloskey April 9, 2019 at 10:01 pm #

      I completely understand how you feel. I even asked my trans daughter “what the hell did i do to you?” But I have learned a lot just from being in this group. I have been going through this longer and i am proof that it does get better. I promise! I think i have finally gotten use to saying “she/her” and saying her preferred name. My only advise is never give up. You will eventually see it really has nothing to do with us as mothers no matter how it feels. It took me 3 years and counseling to see it but it IS there! My heart is with you!!

      Reply
      • transmom April 14, 2019 at 2:38 am #

        Lena- Thanks for your positive message!!
        Yes!!:
        NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
        I am sooo happy to know you have stuck with counseling and now understand that YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!

        These Beautiful and UNIQUE individuals are OUR CHILDREN!

        EMBRACE THEM!!! CELEBRATE THEM!!!!

  279. Krissy April 6, 2019 at 7:56 am #

    Is this page still active?_?? I need help and am frm New Zealand, HELP PLEASE.A MUM WHOIS STUCK!!

    Reply
    • transmom April 14, 2019 at 2:34 am #

      YES!!!! I hope I can help!! My trans son has a terrific friend who is studying in New Zealand right now!! How can I help?

      Reply
  280. Lynda hoffman April 13, 2019 at 12:04 pm #

    Thank you for creating a community for parents. I am grieving and confused and want to be wholeheartedly supportive of my daughter/son. I will be transitioning alongside them. Community will be helpful.
    Thank you, Lynda

    Reply
    • transmom April 14, 2019 at 2:48 am #

      You are so welcome, Lynda! We mamas have to stick together during the tough times! Knowing you are NOT alone is essential because as a loving mother, everyone is looking to you for strength, reassurance, and support!! This will be the greatest growth you have experienced: you will be stretched and enlightened as during no other time! Be Well and Carry On!!

      Reply
    • transmom May 3, 2019 at 9:59 pm #

      Absolutely, Lynda! Transition isn’t for sissies….your child is strong and capable and having you next to their side? Well, they can handle it!! And so can you! You are loving and supportive!!

      Reply
  281. Annie April 15, 2019 at 7:42 am #

    I also have a son now transitioning female to male

    Reply
    • transmom May 3, 2019 at 9:57 pm #

      I hope you both are doing well, Annie!

      Reply
  282. Sydney Williams April 22, 2019 at 11:44 pm #

    Trying to find the disclosure letter. Can you help me?

    Reply
    • transmom May 4, 2019 at 6:16 pm #

      Hi Sydney, I wrote about our letter many years ago:
      While there were many friends and family members that we shared our news of transformation with personally, there were those that lived away or with whom we didn’t speak with often enough. So, before we sent out this year’s annual holiday card, my husband and I wrote letters and e-mails to those folks that we didn’t disclose to personally or on the phone. Here is a sampling of what went out. Hope it helps you 🙂

      “Hi _______________!

      Well, this is kinda a weird e-mail to send- and I have been meaning to send it for awhile now…____ and we are guessing that it will be the first of its kind for you!- we sure the hell haven’t rec’d one of these ourselves. We wanted to share that ____ has begun to transition from female to male and has already changed his name to _____. Through careful self-exploration, family talks, and therapy we have all come to understand and embrace the truth of this for him.
      As you have been a terrific friends for years – friends that we really admire- we wanted to let you know. _____ and I know this could be confusing for you as it was for us in the beginning. We would be very happy to discuss any questions you might have!

      Our love and support for _____ is complete! We appreciate your friendship as our family helps ______ through any challenge that may lie
      ahead.

      Love to you! _____ and _______”

      And here is another that a family from our support group used:

      “Dear Family,
      You all are very important in my/our life so I decided to write to you all personally. As you know this past year ____has been out of the closet and is more comfortable than ever before. Everyone has noticed a big change in personality. Mostly for the better. It was a small/huge hump we got over. We’ve had private struggles at home with this that no one knows about. Life changing events. But it’s not over for her (no, that wasn’t a typo). has shared with me on more than one occasion that he’s always felt like a girl inside. That he’s been in the wrong body his whole life. It’s deeper than what you guys would just call “being gay.”
      We’ve been to counseling, sought professional help, been to group meetings with people who are the same and going through the same feelings. I’ve spoken to people who specialize in transgender children and I’ve realized that this is not something that goes away. Moreover, I’ve seen for myself, first hand, that she was born that way.
      I understand that it might be confusing for you and I don’t expect you to immediately understand. But I do expect you to respect our decisions concerning her health and welfare.
      Starting next year , ___will begin her transition to becoming female- becoming the person she’s always been inside. She will begin treatment under our chosen specialist. She will also begin growing out her hair, wearing different clothes, using female pronouns and ultimately legally changing her gender and name to ____.

      I request that you welcome her fully as part of our family despite any personal reservations you may have.

      If you are no longer able to treat my child with complete respect, we will decline further contact with ANYONE until that changes. Ultimately our child’s happiness and mental health is more important to me than anyone else’s opinions or beliefs. Transgender kids are much more prone to suicide, depression and self harm when they are not provided the support and love of their family.
      I’ve been educating myself on this and have gone to trainings to better help me understand it all. I hope you will consider doing the same. There is a great deal of plenty of information available about transgender children including good books on the subject such as, “The Transgender Child” and “Gender Born, Gender Made.”

      My love for my children is unconditional and my support for them is complete. I hope yours will be also. “

      Reply
  283. Noelle Incorvaia April 23, 2019 at 10:32 pm #

    Hi there. My 19 year old daughter who is bi sexual had told me recently that she is trans and had been out in college for a year.. I’m scared, worried, wondering if this is a phase and so many other things. I’m anxious to get summer insight as I need all the support and information as possible

    Thank-you for your help

    Reply
    • transmom May 4, 2019 at 6:22 pm #

      Hi Noelle,
      This is typically “not a phase”. By the time children are 19, they have been thinking about their identity and how they fit in the world, for years! They have also been thinking about to whom they are sexually attracted. These are two completely different parts of who they are: GENDER and SEXUALITY. There is a lot of information online. Here’s one article that can give you a basic understanding:

      https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/transgender-what-it-means#1

      I recommend you talk more to her and explain that you want to understand her and what this means. Ask how you can be supportive!
      She is blessed to have an aunt who wants to be there for her!

      Reply
  284. Karen April 28, 2019 at 5:43 pm #

    So glad I found your blog. My daughter just shared with me a fresh days ago that she has been doing research into transitioning. Though not a complete shock to me I wasnt sure how to react. I let her know that she will always be my child and that I will always love her. But I now feel like I am mourning the loss of my “daughter” we are in the very beginning stages and I’m not sure what to say, where to go for support.

    Reply
    • transmom May 4, 2019 at 6:35 pm #

      You have ALREADY done the most important thing a mom can do, Karen, you have told her that she has your unconditional love! That’s EXACTLY what a child needs – no matter how old they are- no matter how supported they feel from friends!! They NEED the love of their mother!
      Karen, it’s time to start understanding that you had nothing to do with this change…this is how your daughter developed as a person! This is how she has always been inside and ow, she just has to make everything “line up” in order to feel complete and authentic!
      Please look up online to find support groups in your area…this will be super helpful for you – and in turn, helpful for her! Sometimes the groups are found in a local LGBT center. Sometimes you can find one if you locate a therapist that specializes in Gender.
      It is most important that you KEEP TALKING to your daughter. Let her know you want to become educated and understand her process. Ask her to share with you what she knows and has learned about support in your area. Ask her how you can be supportive.
      Please also check out my resources page for books to read. Consider keeping a journal so that you have a place to get those confusing feeling out…this can really help! Start imagining a BETTER time…when she is completely happy and you are past this place of not knowing what her life will be like. That time IS coming…so imagine the best for both of you! Seek out friends and family that will be supportive.

      Please know that you are not alone, Karen…there are so many moms that have walked this road before you. We are THRILLED that our children are complete and healthy! We continue to love them and continue to enjoy loving relationships with them!! You are one of us!!!

      Reply
  285. Andrea Gutscher May 7, 2019 at 4:20 pm #

    Hi all,
    I have a 12 year old transgender daughter . She has been openly herself since January this year and soon will be starting blockers and estrogen. I’ve been struggling dealing with parents at her school. We are lucky to be in an amazing district that protects her rights along with her and go to lengths to make sure everything is safe and comfortable. How does everyone deal with the nastiness of others ?
    Andrea

    Reply
    • transmom July 1, 2019 at 11:28 pm #

      Hi Andrea! Thanks for your question- and I hope other moms will respond!
      I think acknowledging up front with your family members- especially your daughter- that there will be naysayers is step one. No one should be caught off guard that it is possible to have to contend with comments from total strangers as well as “well-meaning” family and friends.
      I recommend having a pre-set repertoire of responses and comebacks to deflect haters or uneducated or unaware folks.
      When folks would say in a shocked tone to me, “I thought you had TWO daughters!!” I responded with, “I did too! Then I learned that ___ was actually male”.
      -or- when confronted by “This is not what God intended”, I like to say, “God loves all and makes no mistakes…my kid is NOW just as they should be!”. I am also happy to say, “I understand that you may have a different frame of reference or belief. I respect that. I hope YOU will respect that we are comfortable trusting our child and keeping him safe and healthy is our focus and we are doing that.”
      I also highly recommend having a parent education night for your school…we had one for the teachers and another as a “coffee and tea” open to all parents. A well-versed volunteer from the local Gender Center came and spoke- BOTH meetings were well-received!

      My best to you as you navigate these “new waters” with your daughter!! She is blessed to have loving and supportive parents !!!

      Reply
  286. Mom May 11, 2019 at 12:36 pm #

    Please help!
    I feel like my hands are tide and cannot help my baby!

    I have a 20 almost 21yr old that came out as a “lesbian” at the end of high school and now is dating a girl that is into Trans so now my daughter is injecting herself to turn into a man! She is very aggressive now, got fired from work(she’s had since she was 16) and use to be a full time student and has now dropped school, lives in her car (by choice) and is always smoking weed now with this girl. I tried talking to her before she moved out and she got on my face and told me I’m not her mom anymore because she was no longer my daughter and called told her girlfriend to call the cops on me because I had beat her which was not true. I let her go, she left and came back scratched and bruised with the cops accusing of hitting her (which I never did) (which is maybe what she need a good butt spanking) and told them I wouldn’t let her get her stuff. I haven’t spoken to her but I’m in so much pain right now.

    Reply
    • transmom July 1, 2019 at 11:41 pm #

      This sounds like a horrible situation!! I hope since the time you have written this that things have improved!
      I’ll be honest with you- this is not necessarily a “transgender problem”. By this I mean that it is not BECAUSE your daughter identifies as male that your connection has been lost and her choices are so risky and dangerous. Instead, it sounds like she is being HEAVILY influenced by her girlfriend who is not a positive role model: smoking a lot of weed and losing her long-held job are indications of this.
      Here’s the REALLY hard part: there is NOTHING you can do because she is an adult! You can only take measures to protect yourself while your daughter behaves in ways that literally threaten you! I would keep notes of all conversations you have had with her (dates/times). I would not allow her to come into your home- instead, if she wants to meet with you, plan to meet her in a public place and take a family member. She needs to PROVE that she is reliable and responsible! She needs to PROVE that you will not be under attack (if someone called the police on my, I would consider that an attack!).
      I am so sorry that she cannot be trusted, but she has chosen to behave in unsafe ways that compromise YOU!
      This must be INCREDIBLY painful to you!! Please consider finding a therapist that can support you during this time. In the least, find a group of parents- Al-Anon is one. Parents and loved ones whose children abuse drugs and alcohol can relate to one another. Your daughter is doing that.
      My best to you as you find comfort from those who know and love you!

      Reply
  287. Amy Phillips May 12, 2019 at 8:52 pm #

    My 17 year old son told me this week that he thinks he may be transgender. This was the last thing I was expecting as he has always been “all boy”. I am a health care professional and have always thought of myself as an ally for those in the LGBTQ community. However, I now feel like a hypocrite as I am struggling to keep it together. I’m confused, sad, overwhelmed. He told me he’d like to do HRT in the near future, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he thinks he’s transgender. I don’t know where to start. We live in Texas, near San Antonio. Not the most progressive part of the world. I’m worried for him. And selfishly, I’m worried about me. Not in a way of how others will react to me, but that I won’t be able to be as supportive as I need to be. I’ve told him that I will love him & support him no matter what, but I’m scared that I won’t be able to be strong enough.

    Reply
    • transmom July 1, 2019 at 11:49 pm #

      Of course you are scared, Amy!! This IS scary news…even for the most progressive of us! I felt THE SAME way!!! I thought, “Well, so much for being liberal and accepting.” But in time, Amy, I learned that this is a completely expected reaction!! We ALL grow up with a notion of dreams for our child! We want them to be happy and we picture what that means to us-given the expectation that they are born male or female. That’s just out culture!
      In time, I was able to learn that things were actually better the more I “got on board” and became my kid’s advocate. Of course I worried privately, but it helped me move in a positive direction. I like to say, “I learned to get out of my own way”. In other words, when you stop worrying that you won’t be supportive enough, you will find that you ARE ENOUGH!!
      You and your kid are gonna be fine because you ARE an ally, you are smart, and in time, you will connect with other moms in the area and beyond!! YOU GOT THIS!!!

      Reply
  288. Dara May 18, 2019 at 7:35 pm #

    My 13 year old son just informed me he identifies as female. I 100% support her in this and have told her such. I am feeling so angry though and just really don’t know what to do. I feel like this is just one more thing that i will have to take care of. She was diagnoses with autism at the age of 10 and i’ve been doing it alone since she was 4. I’m worn out, exhausted and have no time for myself. Dealing with an autistic child is so challenging on its own. Now add in this component and I’m just overwhelmed. I need support and I dont know where to turn.

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 3:27 am #

      I am sorry that you feel so overwhelmed! I am impressed that, given your circumstances of being alone and having to champion your kid with having the MANY and DIFFICULT challenges that come with having a diagnosis of Autism, that despite your exhaustion, you 100% support her and have told her you are there for her! You are an amazing mother!! I give you so much credit for loving your child unconditionally!
      Dara, you DO recognize that you DO have needs, too! I am hopeful that you will find a group that can support BOTH of you…a group of teens that are trans that can get together while you meet with the other parents! I belonged to such a group and while it was only once a month, it was a LIFELINE for me! Being able to spend time and commiserate about what is challenging with other parents that can actually identify is incredibly supportive. I hope you will find a group near you…check with doctors that specialize in trans youth near you. Check with your local Children’s hospital. Look for therapists that specialize in gender in your area…they can help you stay sane and will know of other supports in your area! Reach out! Read! Join one of the Facebook groups online and connect!!!

      You deserve to find time and support!!!!

      Reply
    • LENA REY July 31, 2019 at 9:38 pm #

      I completely understand how you feel. I also raised my autistic (diagnosed at 6) and now transgender daughter pretty much alone and she told me when she was 17. She is now 20 and has been transitioning for 2 years.It’s very overwhelming sometimes. She no longer has a relationship with her father because he doesn’t support her. At times I feel like I’m all that she has. The hormones are becoming the most difficult since she has the tendency to get upset A LOT. I don’t know where you live, but we have found support groups not too far and this website has helped me tremendously. I support my child 100% but sometimes i wonder if that’s enough. She has begun therapy so I hope that helps. We also got counseling together but she said I cried too much (LOL). We are all here just trying to learn, accept and forever LOVE.

      Reply
      • transmom August 1, 2019 at 12:21 am #

        Lena Rey, you are an awesome mom!!! I am so happy you have shared your journey here!! Other moms will great comfort in your words! Yours has been a particularly difficult road because your child’s father doesn’t support her and because she was diagnosed with Autism!! Not easy, but you hang in there with love and devotion- wow! Your child is blessed!!!
        Thanks for your words of encouragement!!! I will share them on my FB page as I know many moms will be able to relate!

  289. Kristi L Bateman May 23, 2019 at 3:15 pm #

    Hi I am looking for a support group for mother’s if transgender adult children. I see this article only. Can you direct me?

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 3:29 am #

      Hi Kristi! I was wondering where you live? Are you near a large city that has a greater chance of parents meeting? Have you looked up a PFLAG group in your area? Have you checked your local LGBT Center or Gender Center near you? Often, therapists that specialize in Gender Issues can lead you to other supports nearby!!!
      My best to you!

      Reply
  290. Diana May 27, 2019 at 1:33 am #

    I recently was told by my granddaughter she was transgender or was starting the process. She posted it on Facebook before telling me. I’m sure my family who are always on Facebook may know by now. I haven’t mentioned it to her grandpa. Our health isn’t all that good. I’m at a loss.

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 3:45 am #

      I can imagine that this is really hard to hear over Facebook, Diana! I am often amazed how kids are willing to come out on social media….not thinking or being aware of consequences: how this news may feel to their family members, how they me be treated as a result of this declaration, etc.

      Unfortunately, many young people are not thoughtful during this time and instead, think about how gratifying it will feel to be able to proclaim their identity…ESPECIALLY if they have previously felt misunderstood or discounted!! This declaration, believe it or not, is a huge relief to many transgender individuals! Hiding who you are and living as what equates as a lie, is painful! Sharing the “new you” may very well have been exhilarating for your granddaughter!

      As adults, we have to take a deep breath and understand this method of revealing their identity is NOT ABOUT US…it is solely about THEM!!

      I want you to know that while this may never have been routinely shared publicly when you were their age, this IS something important to your granddaughter.! I am sure she continues to want you to love and acknowledge her-or him- however she identifies! Few children want to leave their families behind…but sometimes their behaviors make it difficult for family members- especially family members that do not have experience with transgender issues.

      I hope you will sit down and begin a dialogue with her…sharing that you continue to love her, but that this is hard for you. If you are able, it would be great for you to tell her you would like to learn about her journey and how you can be supportive.

      I can imagine this is very tough, Diane…but please remember…this may be the difference between having a relationship continue with her or not being able to have her as a part of your life…each of us needs to feel loved and accepted: I hope you will find room in your heart for both for your grandchild!!!

      Reply
  291. Laurie May 31, 2019 at 6:54 pm #

    Like most mothers I felt the loss of my baby “girl” and i always felt so all alone and still do. None of my friends can relate, a very lonely place to be. Confused I went to the appointment with the endocrine doctor and then the plastic surgeons. My she has become a he from the waist up and the testosterone has made my she a he. I still have problems saying he and I have been so very supportive outwardly but on some days I just want to cry and NO ONE GETS IT.

    Reply
    • transmom July 6, 2019 at 6:08 pm #

      It CAN be a lonely place for us moms, Laurie….it is rare, and our friends don’t get it. Kind family and friends will inquire as to how our kids are, but I don’t know about you, I only want to give “the good news” because otherwise I feel like I will draw feelings of pity…which I DON’T want! But it’s like a lot of rough patches that other parents see their kids through (drug abuse, bad relationships, depression, learning issues….) those parents are’s openly sharing also.
      Please know that there is NOTHING wrong for our kids…they just need our support and encouragement to find themselves and make their way in a world that is not necessarily always kind.
      So when you are holding the stress and concern, I encourage you to write, reach out here, find a therapist (they can do WONDERS!), read an uplifting biography like “She’s Not There” or a novel like “This is How it Always Is” . I really hope you can find a parent group like PFLAG or another through your local Gender Center or LGBT center near you!!!! Those mamas got me through some tough times!!!

      Reply
  292. Diana June 2, 2019 at 4:22 pm #

    I honestly don’t agree with any of this transgender issue. I stand firmly on God’s word that transgender is ungodly! I’ve learned there is a high percentage who do this transgender become extremely depressed. It’s been an overwhelming experience finding out year and a half she had been taking Hormone therapy. I let know how betrayed I was. Do they council these individuals ? Just deeply saddened.

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 3:51 am #

      Some folks DO receive counseling…but the goal of counseling is never to make the individual change unless they themselves desire that…the goal is that they find their truth and an understanding of who they are as they move forward in the world.
      You have to decide on your beliefs…I believe- like many of many different faiths- that God loves all of his children. That to live one’s live in an honest and loving manner is what is cherished…NOT by how one looks or dresses.

      Reply
  293. Mary June 4, 2019 at 11:27 am #

    Hi I just found out that our 17yr old son is gay and wants to transgender.. it’s been the hardest thing I’m going through. What did I do wrong , was I a bad mother? I just can’t see it , it’s so hard for me because I feel that he is going to get bully or the rest of the family is not going to except him … in one way I really don’t care. Please help me understand
    how I can make him feel that I will always be here for him. I love him sooo much but it hurts so much.

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 4:02 am #

      Mary- I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that YOU did NOTHING wrong! I will tell you what a very greta therapist said to me: you are not so powerful as to determine your child’s identity!! That is his to live- no matter what you would wish. His life. His identity.
      Of course you worry, Mary! You are a loving mother who wants the very best for your child- no matter how old he is. And you are right, there are many mean spirited people that may target others. Your son will learn how to avoid those people and focus on the life he wants for himself..even if there will be painful and difficult times! He will need your love and support- unconditionally! I know if you talk to him honestly about his journey and your concerns, it will help you immensely!! My very best to you as you continue to love your child!!

      Reply
  294. Anne June 15, 2019 at 12:41 am #

    Trying to process my nineteen year old wanting top surgery. I accept and support his transition and have come to terms with hormones. This was not unexpected (earlier than I expected- we originally talked about post college). I felt gut punched- which makes me question how much I’ve really processed this after all.
    Of course he won’t go through it alone and of course I’m going to support but crap! I just can’t help thinking someone is cutting off parts of my baby.
    Please tell me someone else can relate.

    Reply
    • transmom July 30, 2019 at 4:11 am #

      I CAN ANNE!!! I also accompanied my son…and THE PERMANENCE of this decision can suddenly hit and WHAM!! It’s a HUGE and super DEFINING step!!
      But here’s what I have learned…you WILL come to understand that this is a CRITICAL step in your son’s development as a complete person…the person that is reflected in total to him as he finds his way in the world. Otherwise, he’s just feeling h]like he’s dressing up and not “FULLY” formed. This top surgery will bring him peace of mind! I can’t tell you how many moms I hear from that tell me that their sons are often ELATED after the surgery!! My son was in excruciating pain because of binding…I finally realized that his situation HAD to change..he was being physically compromised!! My husband pointed out that if my daughter needed a medical procedure to feel healthy, I would have been all over it…and that it should’t be any different for my (now) son! He REQUIRED surgery to be mentally and physically sound. He is now!

      Scary? yup! But you know what is scarier? Having your kid feel like he is not yet authentic and experiencing physical discomfort to pain DAILY just because of how he identifies!

      YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

      Reply
  295. Eileen Fila June 17, 2019 at 5:14 pm #

    I’m so worried about my son’s isolation

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 8:51 pm #

      I’m sorry to hear about your son’s isolation and struggle, Eileen! Have you suggested local LGBTQ Centers? There are so many programs out there! A therapist would really be helpful for him to consider as well!!!

      Reply
  296. Erika V-Lee Weigman June 27, 2019 at 12:54 pm #

    Hello, I have been trying to find a support blog to obtain a better understanding of the transition of my daughter to a Male. We use to he extremely close and now do not speak at all, I dont even know how to contact her. A few months ago I lost my son, my daughter (son) lost her brother (which they were very close) to an overdose which has pushed us even further away. I need help getting more of an understanding and regain a relationship with him. Thank you.

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 9:07 pm #

      Hi Erika. First of all, my sincere and deepest condolences for the loss of your son! I cannot imagine the devastation! And now to feel this disconnect with your other child must be incredibly hard for you!! This is, indeed, a very painful period!

      Some children are very willing to remain connected to their parents as they transition…others, less so. I am certain the reasons are as varied as the individual family’s dynamics. In your case, there may be additional factors due to your recent loss and your son’s illness/drug addiction prior to his death. I don’t know, but it may be something you consider when unraveling your relationship.
      My hope for you is that you are able to find support through therapy and support groups…perhaps a parent group that deals with the death of a child first…and then later, a group of parents with transgender kids. This is a tremendous amount for you to take on yourself during this time, Erika! Reading about Female to Male transitions may also be helpful during this time. Once book , She’s Not There, was one that was helpful for me in the beginning of learning about my son’s (previous daughter) transition!
      My best to you, Erika! Take good care of yourself!!!

      Reply
  297. Roberta June 27, 2019 at 8:00 pm #

    Hi my name is Roberta and my son is 8 years old. He identifies as gender-fluid i think its called he feels as if hes a boy and a girl so he wears makeup and gets his nails done and he wears wigs. im in no way upset, but im worried about the impact other children or even adults may have on him if they dont agree to his life style. he asked if he could be a girl when he is at school and of course i said yes, and i told him he might get teased and his response was that people just dont understand. i feel great knowing he can accept that poeple wont always understand but im hoping for support because other than accepting who he chooses to be i have no idea how to help him outside of my home.

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 9:22 pm #

      I give you a great deal of credit, Roberta! Your son obviously feels confident in who he is as a person and I credit that to you as his parent! Confidence comes from feeling safe and loved…and you have been obviously amazing in providing that to him!
      As an educator, I would recommend that you speak honestly to his teachers and administrators at his school. They will help navigate how your kid can be best supported in the school environment. They need to let your son know who he can come to if he feels teased or uncomfortable. The school needs to make sure their teachers know how to respond to the other students and parents that will no doubt have questions about your son’s fluid expression! There are some great kid’s books that the school can use to help the kids in ALL the classrooms …so that everyone in the school- not only your son’s peers in his class-understand. I hope his school already has a no-bullying policy in place…this is a time to make sure, going forward, that your son and other kids like him, ARE protected!!!
      Some books that would be great to be shared with the school are:Who Are You? -The Kid’s Guide to Gender
      Identity By Brook Pessin-Whedbee
      -Sparkle Boy By Leslea Newman
      -Red: A Crayon’s Story By Michael Hall
      -One of a Kind, Like Me
      By Lauren Mayeno
      -Julián is a Mermaid By Jessica Love
      -It’s Okay to Be Different By Todd Parr
      -Gender Wheel By Maya Christina Gonzalez
      -George By Alex Gino
      -Annie’s Plaid Shirt By Stacy B. Davids

      I hope this list of books helps not only your child’s classroom, but other classes in his school and your son as well!
      My best to you! You are an awesome mom!

      Reply
  298. Noelle incorvaia July 8, 2019 at 5:05 pm #

    I am going through this also. My child is transforming ftm.he will be starting hormones by the end of this month.he is 19th just came out as Transgendered this past Arpril. I feel like right now I’m going through a mourning period. My entire family has been very supportive but really don’t understand what we as parents are going through..I need support and have so many questions and concerns about this new journey..

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 11:12 pm #

      Hi Noelle, I know that if you read so many of the comments other moms have made here, as well as my answers to their notes, you will find that you are not alone. SO MANY moms have similar feelings of mourning! It is common to worry that you are “forever losing” your child. I am so happy to share that this, of course, is just part of the process of many: your child is your child and the fear of losing your child fades as you watch your child’s happiness grow!!
      It IS very different to be the parent of a kid that transitions…being on the outside, it is easy to say you are supportive. But as a mother, we worry about the many things associated with transitioning! We worry about our child being accepted, remaining safe, finding a partner, and moving through life with ease. It is normal to have concerns that others do not.
      Noelle, you and your son will be great! Keep talking to him! Talk to others (a close friend or therapist) about your fears..but please do not burden your child with YOUR issues: your kid has to deal with his own concerns with transition; he does not need to add guilt or worry for you to his list! I encourage you to seek out a therapist for support and especially a parent group! There is nothing like having other parents that experience the very same feelings to be able to connect with!! I wish you the very best as you begin this amazing journey!

      Reply
  299. Laurie July 12, 2019 at 5:15 pm #

    I have a son now and couldn’t be prouder. I didn’t start off that way. I actually had to grieve losing a daughter and all those hopes and dreams I had. When I held my baby girl I had no idea what was in the future but I can definitely say I was Ill prepared. We are doing the shots and have had the “upper” surgery. My son looks in every way like a man and not a woman. I can see what a difference it has made in his mental well-being. In the past I worried about suicide and the not fitting in. I no longer have those worries and can now see a man. I went to appointments and learned and listened. I will love my child no matter what and will be here no matter what. Dad doesn’t feel the same way so I walk a tightrope. First and foremost my child needs the support he deserves.

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 11:25 pm #

      Dear Laurie,
      What a beautiful note!! Thank you for sharing your parenting journey! I am happy to say that I share the same experience…I never thought my baby girl would end up a handsome, bearded attorney with a wife…but he did!! He is an amazing adult- happy, healthy and helping make the world a better place! I could not be prouder!!!

      Thanks for reminding everyone, that with love, listening, and support, we can see that our children become healthy and happy adults!!!

      Reply
  300. Jodie July 25, 2019 at 2:07 pm #

    My daughter who is 15 and never been a tomboy but has been through significant trauma is now claiming transgender. Her appearance has changed drastically. She becomes angry if I refer to her as har and not he. I know transgender is a real thing but I just don’t see it as true with my daughter. She claims I only let her play with girl toys when she was young, but that’s not true. She played with her brothers soldiers and made them her princess dolls boys friends. I think this is a rebellious phase but feel totally alone and without resources. Can you point me in a good direction? Thank you for your blog and hand of support our here in this world!

    Reply
    • transmom July 31, 2019 at 11:50 pm #

      Hi Jodie! I hope that you will find support here!
      I understand that you have reason to believe that your daughter is going through a phase- particularly if there has been a significant trauma in her life. And let’s face it…being 15 is challenging in itself without thinking about your gender identity.
      However, with that said, I believe that we moms need to be REALLY careful to our children when they are speaking of their identity! We need to honor their feelings if we want them to continue to risk sharing with us going forward! I know we expect kids that want to identify as another gender to have demonstrated this desire much earlier…but I am here to tell you that it is not ALWAYS the case!! We hear from MANY parents that they are shocked and in disbelief when their child wants to transition…that they, like you, had no indication that this was true. I am only asking you to not to discount this possibility as it is VERY likely that your daughter is expressing her truth.
      How to know? I think seeing specialists is key! There are therapists that specialize in gender identity. They are the ones that can speak to your child individually and will know if this is “just a phase”. I personally believe that therapy for your daughter- particularly because she has experienced trauma- is ESPECIALLY important for her well-being and mental health!
      Please look up gender therapists in your area. Also consider looking up pediatricians that specialize in transgender children…perhaps there are support programs in a children’s hospital near you (there is one in Children’s Hospital Los Angeles so there may be one near you!).
      Finally, I know she becomes angry when you mis-gender her and use what she considers to be the wrong pronouns…this is because she is desperately needing you to support how she identifies: how HE sees himself….I ask you to sit down for a conversation in which you work really hard to just LISTEN…ask why she feels this way, how long she has felt this way, what she needs from you…try really hafrd not to judge, argue or give YOUR opinion, Jodie…make this conversation about your kid! “He ” needs you right now!…at 15, “he” is reaching out and asking for your love. Turning “him” away and discounting how “he” and why “he” identifies may send “him” into relationships to seek acceptance that could be unhealthy. You do not want to push your kid away!!

      Instead, seek out support together! Remind your child you love them and you will figure this out together!!! This is for their mental health and your relationship!!!

      Reply
  301. Tracy Feldscher July 28, 2019 at 11:44 pm #

    My 21 year old just informed me that she has decided she is transgender and began 3 months ago taking testosterone. She would like to be referenced as a him and as our son.

    She has always been a tomboy, and I suspected and even have said if she were born in todays world… life may have even easier on her.

    We have supported in her exploration, but she took this step w/out letting us know.

    Obviously, I am struggling referring to my baby as a he rather than a she.

    I’m trying. I know my husband is struggling, we say we accept and we love and we support… but we are not sure how to break our old habits, explain to
    Our family.

    I’d love to hear other experiences and have support.

    Reply
    • transmom August 1, 2019 at 12:15 am #

      Hi Tracy! If you read some of my early posts here, you will find that I went through the very SAME experience!!
      I, too, had a “tomboy” daughter. There were some signs early on that I’m sure neither of us understood all those years ago -that maybe in today’s world we would have explored. Maybe if there had been transgender folks in the news that would have sparked some conversations or considerations. “She” even tried to be more feminine as a young teen- but that was uncomfortable and short-lived. While away at college and in “her” early 20’s, began the real journey to understand the identity that would become the individual today- a happily married man who is a successful attorney! Who would have guessed!
      So the beginning of the journey- where you are currently- is challenging! The new name (if there is one) is super hard to get used to using as are changing pronouns. My kid just changed the spelling of his name to make it masculine- and I felt guilty even picturing his previous spelling in my mind! But time heals and teaches…and more and more, the new name spelling and the new pronouns became natural!!! Other folks- family and friends- also became careful…and when they messed up the pronouns, they apologized. We of course, let them off the hook immediately, explaining that we, too, struggled in the beginning!

      We asked our son when and how to share this news with others…he really appreciated that we respected his being able to lead the way on this. So some folks we wrote emails, closer friends and family we called, and those really close to us nearby we met with privately. We let them know we were open to all questions, but were sure to say that we were in support of our kid and wanted everyone to know that we weren’t welcoming any negativity or challenges to this very personal decision. If you’d like to see a sample- check out “Our Disclosure Letter” (which our son okay’d before we sent!), please look up on this site: April 15, 2012.
      Also check out these resources at Hudsons’ FTM Resource Guide!
      http://www.ftmguide.org

      I hope all this helps, Tracy! My best to you!!!

      Reply
  302. Juls August 2, 2019 at 12:40 am #

    How do I deal with my son at 24 announcing he is becoming a women. He said he was gay when he was younger and then said he was bi sexual and then for several years was with a girl and then a couple months again tells me out of no where he is transitioning into a female I accept it because me youngest is gay but how do I not call him by his name and call her by what she wants. She gets offended when I call her by her birth name

    Reply
    • transmom August 2, 2019 at 10:10 pm #

      Hi Juls! I know first hand how tough it is to support your kid when they experience changes in how they identify!- It can make you feel like you are on a roller coaster!

      My (now) son, too, experienced the same kinds of changes as your son and at the same age! In the end of high school, I suspected she was gay (a lesbian at the time)- but she wasn’t yet “out”. Then she considered herself “queer” and had relationships with other women. Then there was a lengthy relationship with a guy- and I have to be honest: they may have considered themselves queer, but they appeared as a heterosexual couple, so I was relieved: this was something I understood. I started imagining my (then) daughter being married and becoming a mother. It seemed like a HUGE turnaround when she came out a year later as transgender FTM! I knew no other transfolks and it wasn’t in the media as it is now.

      Since that time, my (now)son has become married: to a woman and they are planning to raise a family (an extremely close friend will be the biological father but my son will legally raise the child as the father). I share this all to share with you that you, Juls, are NOT alone! It takes time for some folks to literally find themselves. I think we are shocked or find this “changing identity” causing dismay, because we were raised during a time that we were unaware of this possibility.

      Here’s the thing….When kids say they are “gay” they are referring not to their identity but to their sexual preference! So, your son was sexually attracted to other men. Then he realized that he was sexually drawn to both men and women. During this time (it seems sudden to you, but trust me, this has been developing internally for years within your son!), he reveals that it is really he that needs to be expressed differently…and THIS has NOTHING to do with whom he is attracted to sexually- rather this is who he IS as a person!!! This is your child’s gender identity!

      The reason why SHE (now) becomes upset with you mis-labelling her is because this identity means EVERYTHING to her!! Your taking the time to correctly refer to her by her new name and pronouns means you RESPECT her. You ACKNOWLEDGE her. You BELIEVE her! THIS IS HUGE FOR ANYONE!!

      I recommend a heart to heart conversation in which you admit this is hard for you….that your unconditional love is there and unchanged, but the new gender, name, pronouns are all really hard to get used to. You have tried to celebrate and support “him” since the second he was born no-matter-what….you just need a little understanding that you have your own process. there’s a lot of learning to do!- and as SHE is asking for your respect and understanding, you are asking for HERS in return!! You didn’t exactly sign up for this particular journey so you get to be uncomfortable- but you DID choose to be this kid’s parent so here you are.

      Trust me, Juls- it WILL be worth the pain, worry, anguish and frustration….because this is YOUR child and their happiness and health is totally worth it!! My best to you! You’ve got this!!!

      Reply
    • Lizzy September 16, 2019 at 2:19 am #

      it is a hard one for us as a month, felt exactly the same, alone without any support.. its not only about your child its also about.. my son came out the same way, saying he’s gay, then bi, and then came home wearing a dress, then he was transitioning..
      I never did find the support i needed as a mum, i had to try and be strong and be there for him, who is now shar.. The name change took a while to get use to.. She would get up set with me, i had to tell her for 19 years i have called u Rawiri from the time you were born.. I can now call her shar without a problem…
      All i can say is be strong, try and listen to your child and be supportive.. Im not very good with words, so i try and listen to her and comfort her and be there for her when she needs..

      Reply
      • transmom September 25, 2019 at 3:55 am #

        Lizzy- your advice is from experience and it is SO greatly appreciated. You are right…sometimes we just don’t have the answers: but we always CAN listen and comfort our children!!!

        Many of our kids go through different stages in finding their identity: they may think they are gay because they are indeed attracted to the same sex individuals that they themselves were assigned at birth. But then they realize, that is only their sexual selves and does not address ANYTHING about their identity…who they ARE. And because most of us have had lots of personal experiences with gay folks and the world at large is more accepting of gays and lesbians than transgender folks, we are able to bend with that news. Hearing how our child is now Transgender? Suddenly we are lost and worried.

        I am sorry you never did find the support you deserve, Lizzy…but I am gratified to know you DID manage to follow this journey in such a positive way for your (now) daughter! How lovely for your daughter and what a wonderful mother you continue to be!

  303. Dez August 2, 2019 at 4:42 pm #

    I have reached out to this blog a couple of time the past year or so as my daughter has been on this journey, and I have chosen to walk it with her. I appreciate the love and support it offers. I have also connected with our area PFLAG group, which has helped me, as a parent, feel less alone. My daughter and I have been on this journey for 2 1/2 years. When she told me I had a daughter at 21 years of age on Christmas eve 2016, her whole life finally made sense. The fact that she was transgender never entered my mind. I’d been waiting for years for her to come out as a gay male. For me, her coming out was a mystery solved! Of course I had a daughter! Along this journey there has been a lot of support. Some family members needed time to digest all of this, and my daughter has graciously given time them time for this. Her father, for the first time, called her by her chosen name just this week. My struggle is with one of my sister’s and my mom. Their strict stance that being transgender is wrong in the eyes of God has put me in a difficult position with my family of origin, particularly because I come from a large family and the women in my family periodically get together for mother/daughter family gatherings. My mom, in the beginning, invited my daughter to one of these events, but my one sister texted me and my daughter stating she would not attend because my daughter would be there and she does not accept [her] “choice” to be [who she is.] My daughter reached out to my sister and offered to meet with her individually so my sister could ask questions or whatever she needed to prevent a family rift, and my sister declined standing on her belief that she is right and my daughter is wrong. My daughter let me read her offer to my sister and it was beautifully and compassionately written. Incidentally, my daughter and this particular sister of mine have never been close, so my daughter had no personal need to extend her offer to my sister. Since then, my mom has now informed me that she will “never accept abortion, gays or transgenders” based on her religious beliefs. My daughter has also extended the opportunity to talk through this with my mom as well. I have offered to pick up my mom and take her to a PFLAG meeting with me too. At this point, I still communicate with my mom, but I decline to attend any mother/daughter gatherings, as my daughter is only welcome if my one sister is not available to attend and she is willing to be called by her dead name and male pronouns. I don’t want to talk about my daughter to my mom as she continues to misgender her and use her dead name, which is very painful for me as my daughter’s mother. My sister and I rarely talk. I have also, extended opportunities to talk one on one, though that has yet to be accepted. I have told my family of origin, when the subject of my daughter’s identity comes up, that if i am ever made to choose between my daughter and ANYONE else in my life, i will choose my daughter EVERY time. Im not looking for ways to change my sister’s and my mom’s stance. I am willing to allow them the dignity of standing on what they believe. And my daughter has processed and is okay with their choices. My concern is that my daughter feels responsible for the rift in the family. I have assured her that i am making my own choices regarding my family of origin based on my own truth that i stand with my daughter. But it makes me sad that i and my daughter wont be attending the family mother/daughter gatherings, and there is nothing either of us can do to change that. My sister states that god doesnt make mistakes…in my mind, if that is the case, my daughter being her true and authentic self is not a mistake, and she is exactly who God always intended her to be. I know this is very long, but I’m certain I am not the only parent who has experienced this situation and I believe in us all standing together and supporting one another. Thank you for this supportive blog.

    Reply
    • transmom August 2, 2019 at 10:51 pm #

      Hi Dez- Thank you so very much for taking the time to write about such a personal and difficult situation! I know MANY mothers with see themselves in your letter!!!
      I think there are times when, as difficult as it is and as disappointing as it is, that we must be able to ask, “Who own this problem?” Your mother and one of your sisters “own” this problem- NOT you and NOT your daughter!
      I so appreciate that both you and your daughter are willing to speak to them and help them understand. However, I think it is extremely HEALTHY for the two of you to commiserate and acknowledge that this just plain old sucks! It isn’t fair that others have family members that unconditionally love – and you do not. It isn’t right that they would believe that God would really have THEM be so judgmental that God would approve of them casting aside family members! It sucks! But this is THEIR issue…NOT yours. If they choose to not be in your presence, they lose. They lose your unconditional grace and respect and the love and generosity you would display if given the opportunity. They are not offering anything that you do not already do without. You are not losing anything by them. Lack of respect- don’t need it. Questioning- nope, don’t need it. Chastising and having others draw conclusions or opinions that do not support you- sorry, you don’t have time for that when you are busy leading a positive and productive life.

      Keep hanging in there! You are a STELLAR example of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!! Thank you for reflecting that for all of us!

      Reply
      • Dez August 3, 2019 at 3:06 am #

        Thank you, Transmom. I appreciate your validation of my choice to stand by my daughter. It can feel so disappointing when other loved ones don’t understand how detrimental supporting my daughter is. And how refusing to call her by her chosen name is damaging and disrespectful. I have had the honor of standing with her through dysphoria, and suicidal ideation. I couldn’t imagine living through the loss of my beautiful daughter, and wish my extended family understood this reality. I am so grateful my daughter has me for a mother and she has other family members who stand with her as well. This is a tough journey she is on, but she is not alone, and she is braver than she knows. I hope that other parents are able to take a deep breath and embrace the honor of getting to walk their journey with their child as they become the person they were always meant to be. Thank you for all you do to help me and other parents of children, whatever their age, who are transgender.

      • transmom August 3, 2019 at 4:20 am #

        It is a joy to know that I can be of support to you, Dez, and to other parents!
        Like you, I have been honored by being given the opportunity to learn from my amazing son and his journey! May you and your daughter continue to flourish!

  304. deedee August 6, 2019 at 3:49 am #

    My daughter is planning on transitioning from female to male. I love her and support her 100%. I asked her how she knows she’s not a lesbian. She told me she doesn’t feel like a girl that likes girls. She feels like a male that likes females, therefore she considers herself a heterosexual. This really gave me something to think about. I am struggling with thinking of her as my son instead of my daughter. She’s 20 years old. I struggle with the thought that I will have to consider her a he. Like most other mothers I just want her to be happy and at peace with herself. I’ve already passed through the “what did I do wrong” phase and instead I think”gee, maybe I did something right.” She has the strength and courage to undertake this enormous task in an effort to be her authentic self and I’m immensely proud of her. Although I struggle we communicate freely with each other and she knows my struggles. I’ve assured her that I will be there to transition right alongside her to being the mother of a son. This is like a death and a birth all rolled together…….

    Reply
    • transmom August 7, 2019 at 2:57 am #

      What a perfect way of describing this journey, DeeDee: experiencing a death AND a birth!!! Most moms focus on the loss (understandably) but you have already managed to broaden your vision!! GREAT for you and your son!
      I love how you said you must have done something RIGHT!! Damn Straight!!!!
      AND I love how he explained that his is an issue of not whom he is attracted to physically…but instead, of who he IS!! His identity is what makes him transgender and this is a piece that a lot of folks struggle to understand! Thanks for clarifying again here for moms!!!
      I am excited for your relationship to grow. I promise you that time will replace the struggle of how you “see” your child currently…after 7 years, I can hardly remember my son as my daughter….even though there were all those years in between childhood and the adult that transitioned, I somehow think of this little androgynous child and an adult male…everything in between no longer really registers!!
      You are a loving and supportive parent: your child is blessed!!!

      Reply
  305. Joie August 22, 2019 at 6:04 am #

    I am the proud mom of TWO well adjusted and performing transgender kids. I have a MTF and FTM chld who I support totally and passionately

    Reply
    • transmom August 25, 2019 at 3:37 am #

      GOOD for you, Joie and REALLY great for your beloved children!! It’s posts like yours that let parents of one transgender child see that they, too, can be supportive and accepting!!!

      Reply
  306. Sally August 24, 2019 at 8:29 pm #

    Hi . My son born a girl now 23 on T for 6 months . His anger outbursts really bad . I can’t cope . Any advice plz x

    Reply
    • transmom August 25, 2019 at 3:49 am #

      Hi Sally. I am sorry to hear you are struggling through this time. I would imagine that everyone’s reaction to hormones (just like any medication being introduced into the body) has the chance of having negative reactions.
      When there is a calmer time, or perhaps in writing, I would express that you are trying to be supportive but find this time extremely difficult. I don’t know if he will be open to seeing a therapist or at least asking his doctor for support in this area? Specific examples of how you are impacted may help.
      I would also make sure you are taking care of YOURSELF during this time: therapy, maintaining a journal, finding friends and loved ones that are supportive, parents’ groups, a hot bath. Also consider maintaining healthy boundaries (so you don’t feel verbally abused) – having boundaries is very important! For example, like saying during an angry interaction, “This conversation isn’t productive for either of us. Rather than arguing, I’m going to leave now but I am more than happy to continue when we can treat each other in a calm and respectful way! Statements and actions such as this will keep you from feeling emotionally abused or like a victim!

      I hope you are able to find support, make boundaries, and speak honestly about your experiences with him.

      Reply
      • Sally August 25, 2019 at 11:13 am #

        Thanks for sharing . He has appointment on Wed to increase the T . I’m going with him to talk to doc . He’s worse after a night out drinking

      • transmom September 8, 2019 at 10:44 pm #

        I bet- I think most people would be!! I hope things are improving!!!

  307. Jena L August 28, 2019 at 3:12 pm #

    My 15 year old “daughter” just told me two days ago that he is a transgender male. That he wants to be a boy. Today I guess he asked me if we could get him on testosterone medication. I am still trying to get use to the idea of him being my son instead of my daughter. How do I handle everything from here? I want him to be happy, but I feel like he is moving so fast, that I am just trying to catch up. I just found out 2 days ago that he is transgender. I still feel like my head is spinning. I want to be supportive, but I feel like I need a minute to absorb it all. What do I do?

    Reply
    • transmom September 8, 2019 at 11:49 pm #

      I agree that YOU get a moment to consider this BIG news!
      The great part is that your child felt safe enough to share this news openly and that he is seeking your support!
      I think you “catching up” is important: how long has his desire to transition been in progress? Who else knows? Is there support for his transition at school? Has he done any investigation about taking T? He should know what the impacts are not only in his physical outward appearance, but also important is his future ability to have a baby if he should decide that he no longer wants to remain male (forever is a long time when you are 15- as is waiting to become your authentic self!). Is he in contact with a trans-friendly and knowledgeable physician?- he will need one! Is he willing to see an experienced therapist (in gender issues) therapist so that you both can go into this understanding what is involved emotionally and how to deal with family, friends and acquaintances that are NOT supportive? (A therapist can help you define and feel confident your child is “ready” for transition!
      There is a LOT that can happen when beginning ANY medical intervention: I recommend you both know what the benefits and expectations are in beginning of taking those!
      Then there is making sure YOU are taking care of YOU! You would greatly benefit from therapy and/or a parent group for support-hopefully one that has a teen or young adult group for your son ! You can begin reading books and finding videos online, too!
      My best to you as you move forward…it can be difficult to rein in an anxious teenager no matter what they have their sights on!- remember patience with a generous spirit is what you need right now!! HUGS!!

      Reply
    • Annie October 1, 2019 at 9:42 am #

      Hi Jena I know how you feel my daughter is transitioning to a boy too it is hard to accept .I’m so use to my baby girl he is on testosterone its been 4 months a lot of changes I feel I lost my daughter but I love him no matter what .it does take time to get use to the idea

      Reply
      • transmom October 6, 2019 at 4:01 am #

        It DOES take time, Annie! But I truly believe that with our love and with our acceptance, our transgender children have a chance to be successful. NO ONE can go through the world feeling unloved and not accepted. It MUST begin with we mothers!! Their identities have changed- they are NOT murderers or thieves! They are trying to live authentic and productive lives!! With our emotional support, our children can begin to do just that!!

  308. Tamara September 11, 2019 at 3:47 pm #

    Hi. So I have an 11 year old daughter and she is transgender. She has just shared this with my husband, my 13 year old daughter and myself about a month ago. For sale of not using gender pronouns I am going to refer to my child as their nickname Munch. So Munch explained to me that they have gender dysphoria and that they feel like a boy trapped in a girls body. I am definitely having a hard time wrapping my head around this. My family is very supportive and on board with whatever decisions Munch makes it is just a lot to take in and I especially do not know how to handle it well. I try not to call him a her or Lily which was the birth name however it’s very hard to do so. I find myself feeling awful about it but it just doesn’t come naturally yet. We are both in counseling separately to try and understand and cope better but for me I feel like I’m getting no where. My counselor told me to reach out to positive support groups for help and advise. I am also wondering about chest binders. Does anyone have any knowledge on them and are they ok for an 11 year old to be wearing? That was one thing Munch asked me to get. So far I have avoided having to buy one by allowing “boys” clothes so to speak and more baggy shirts as not to show the chest. I just want to understand before I buy one as I don’t want it to hurt or cause problems medically. Thank you in advance for reading this.

    Reply
    • transmom September 15, 2019 at 11:57 pm #

      Hi Tamara!
      Of course you are concerned, and I totally get how it is not “easy” to alter pronoun and name use even when you know it is necessary…you have had 11 years to practice your entire mind-set!!
      With that said, I applaud your efforts and want you to know that this feels crucial for Munch! They want to be SEEN and BELIEVED! AND they really NEED to feel comfortable in how they navigate the world!!
      Here is an article I found that I hope will really help you:

      https://www.bustle.com/articles/138935-7-things-you-should-know-before-buying-your-first-chest-binder

      Also, please know that there are lots of parents groups out there that you will find supportive. Some private groups I have found on Facebook and others may be right in your area (it’s best if you can find a group you can meet with!). I can help you research online if you share your city. If not, please try to contact pediatricians knowledgeable with gender issues in your area!! Also call LGBT groups in your area…many know of parent groups…PFLAG is one nationally that might be of help!
      Please know I am here for you as well! While my child is now an adult, I do know of parents that wold be willing to call you in support…let me know.
      Meanwhile, virtual hugs are coming your way!!!

      Reply
    • Becky September 16, 2019 at 1:03 am #

      HI Tamara, I have two children. One 17 year old transitioning to a boy and a 13 year old who also wants to do the same. They both feel more like boys then a girl. They both wear binders and are perfectly safe to wear. But they are not to wear them at night. The kids find them comfortable and can even swim in them. They also started with sports bras before moving onto the binders. I struggled for ages Understanding them wanting to be boys etc. What I have done wrong and Why me etc. All you can do is just love her. You’ve got this.

      Reply
      • transmom September 25, 2019 at 3:48 am #

        Thank you sooo much for your positivity and experience, Becky!

  309. Kim September 11, 2019 at 4:16 pm #

    My son just turned19. He has dressed like a female for one year. He sees guys. He posted on social media 2 days ago he was trans. He never mentioned that to me. I’m now wondering does he want to transition, does he understand what he said? I do t know where to go from here. He decided to come out but never told me, he decided to dress up but never told me. He never tells me he just expects I’m going to roll with it. We communicate well but he doesn’t share? Lost!

    Reply
    • transmom September 16, 2019 at 12:07 am #

      Hi Kim- this must have been uncomfortable to know he came out on social media without having “formally” done so with you…Is it possible he thought you were already fully aware because of his choice of attire and dating?

      I always think honesty is the best policy and you are able to model that behavior now! You can say to him (without being judgmental or accusatory) that you were kind of surprised about his social media posts because he had never made those direct statements to you before.

      I would also make sure you include sharing that regardless of his choice to announce this publicly, you love him unconditionally and support his choice. You want to be able to continue to be support and ask if there is something he needs to hear from you.

      This kind of heart-to-heart is what our kids need from us…but they need it at a time they are prepared and willing to sit, comfortably, and feel able to be open. Find a time when the 2 of you are not rushed and can sit privately!

      My best to you…you are obviously a VERY loving mom that wants to continue to love and support her child!!! What a lucky kid you have there!

      Reply
  310. Griefstricken September 20, 2019 at 4:39 am #

    My 10 year old daughter just came out to. A few of us that she wants to be called Austin and male pronouns. I kind of already knew, but I hoped I was wrong. He has already attempted suicide 3 times, cut his arms up with knives, and had surgery to remove a hairball from her stomach. I’m hoping is just a phase, but I really don’t think it is. I told a trans friend and took him to see my friend. He made some changes in clothes and shoes. We started calling her, he and Austin. It was like a whole new personality. He had more confidence and felt better about homself. I want to support him, but it really feels like I’ve lost my baby girl. I keep crying. This is so hard. I need to find some support for myself. I am worried about ridicule he’ll be facing in school. Also, I was raised very religious, which raises more confusion for me because if God thinks this is wrong, then why did he put my child in a body that his mind says is wrong.

    Reply
    • transmom September 25, 2019 at 4:06 am #

      Dearest Griefstricken,
      I am so sorry that you have not yet found the support that you deserve!! Despite this, you have continued to move in a positive direction for the sake, health, and the LIFE of your (now) son!!!

      You explained that after his new identity was honored, that he became like a whole new person- that he was able to show confidence. For me, that was SO IMPORTANT for all the moms to hear!! This change has been life AFFIRMING for your Austin!!!
      Of course you are worried for him: this is a pretty scary world these days. But, with your continued support as his ally and advocate, he will never be alone!
      The religion piece IS difficult: and I agree with you- no merciful and loving God would prefer an individual to suffer to the point of seeking refuge by committing suicide!!
      Your child is healing and on the path to recovery. I hope you will continue to seek out support groups, read books like Janet Mock’s “Redefining Realness

      “https://smile.amazon.com/Redefining-Realness-Path-Womanhood-Identity/dp/B013RHM9SI/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=janet+mock&qid=1569384266&s=gateway&sr=8-1

      You are an amazing mom who has saved her kid’s life by listening and loving unconditionally! Bless you!

      Reply
  311. MamB September 23, 2019 at 10:51 pm #

    Is there a process for joining the discussion? And are grandma’s welcome?

    Reply
    • transmom September 25, 2019 at 4:07 am #

      absolutely- just speak your mind! I read and approve 🙂 How are you, MamB?!!

      Reply
  312. Patty September 25, 2019 at 12:13 am #

    I was looking for a support group, and I thought this one was it. I am so mistaken. You see my son will never be a women. He has a cognitive disorder. He believes he was given the wrong body. He believes that his father and I raised him wrong. He believes God made a mistake. Before he ever attended a LBGT+ group he should have gone to therapy and had his pervasive depressive disorder and skewed thinking addressed. A therapist could have helped him learn to accept who and what he is. Now he has destroyed his body, destroyed our family, and destroyed his marriage. I have lost my son as he tries to erase his childhood, as he tries to redefine our relationship, and as he tries to doubt my love if I “don’t gender him correctly.” This is a living grief. I lost both my parents in one year, and it was extremely painful, but the pain I feel over the loss of him is far greater. It is paralyzing.
    I have searched and researched for an explanation. I pray everyday that he will stop destroying his body and come back to us this handsome man and wonderful son.
    I will continue to pray, and hope, and pray some more for him to come back.
    I hope to find others like me who know the truth. Who know that God gave us this precious gift, and we did our best as parents.
    I do not have any daughters, and I never will. I have sons, and one is lost. I love him, and I want him back.

    Reply
    • Cathy September 25, 2019 at 4:17 am #

      Patty
      i know what you are going through. our son will never be a true woman. we have lost him because we would not call him by his new name. he thought using the same initials as his original name would honor us and our name for him. he has dropped out of college and is living with another family and his transgender girlfriend (man). they have no job and no way of supporting themselves. my son will eventually end up homeless. our son was adopted. All i pray for is that he will come to his senses and realize he can’t live as he is doing now. my heart goes out to you, Cathy

      Reply
      • Patty October 7, 2019 at 3:59 am #

        Dear Cathy,
        Thank you. I have finally found someone who knows the truth, the sad truth. My son is also living with his transgender girlfriend who is really a man but wants the pronoun “their, they, and them” used. I have not met this person, and I refuse to establish a relationship with my son’s friends or “new family.” Every time I think about it I die a little more inside. I don’t know that I will ever get off of my antidepressant. I started them a year ago after spending two years of my life crying everyday.
        I will pray for you and your family, too.
        ~Patty

    • transmom September 25, 2019 at 4:18 am #

      I hear your pain and anguish, Patty. I also know that we have different experiences.

      My education and the transfolks I know have taught me that their identity is not a choice. It is not something that will somehow be changed – even when it is incredibly difficult to live as a transgender person and even when it means your relationships with whom you love the most may be forever altered or even permanently damaged.

      I know you want “him” back…but the point for her is now she is who she has ALWAYS been- except now her identity is no longer painfully hidden away.

      My hope for you is that you will be able to appreciate the importance of your child leading a happy and authentic life and that she continues to be your precious gift- regardless of the “packaging”, the pronouns, or the name.

      Reply
  313. Robin October 3, 2019 at 12:25 am #

    I’m the mother of a trans son, aged 26, who came out to me about 6-7 years ago. He has not physically transitioned, and has recently said he is more gender fluid than full on male trans. I initially was very surprised due to the fact that he never presented any indication growing up that he felt like a male and a female body. On the contrary, when he was very small, I insisted that his room, Clothes, and any gifts people gave him were in primary colors rather than the standard pink and purple that girls are expected to gravitate to. I let go of that insistence when he was old enough to voice his preferences, which turned out to be ruffly pink things and purple things. He was infatuated with ballet tutus, dolls, and thought boys were creepy. Well other things could’ve been going through his head, I was completely unaware of it. But, he has always had social issues. He has had a weight problem since just before puberty and was bullied in school. He has always been especially dramatic and emotional, which also made him a target. And finally, his father was verbally abusive about his weight and eating, and after I left his father, he became physically abusive as well, ultimately resulting in DSS intervention and me having full custody. So there was a lot of rocky times going on in this poor child life, and while I don’t think any parent is really equipped to mitigate the damage caused by these things, I was there throughout it, worrying myself to death and trying to figure out how best to support him. When he told me he was trans, I really thought it was just another episode of drama. I was not the model parent excepting his story, because it was so antithetical to what I believed my child to truly be. It did not take me long to understand that what I thought about my son’s gender was a relevant to my sons journey, except that I could definitely do damage by denying his professed truth. Since that moment, I have done all I can do to say the right things, to do the right things, to be the right mother. I’ve been in therapy for seven years, and I have worked very hard to use the correct pronouns, and to use his new name, which was Erek. It took me a while for that name to become natural to me. When I made mistakes, He would blow up and chastise me. I honestly felt kind of abused, but ultimately tried to put myself in his place. I can imagine if I felt I was denying myself the luxury of my true identity, I would be very impatient to get on with my life and be who I really was. So I decided to just let go of the hurt from his anger and try to be the kind of mother who he’s just there for their kid. All of this was taking place while I was grieving with felt like the death of my daughter. You see, my daughter and I were very close. They would say to me as a child how they couldn’t wait to grow up and be a mother too, that we would get together and have tea while their child would play, and we would reminisce about when they were little. (Sorry I keep going back & forth with pronouns because Erek seems to, too- “he” or “they” are acceptable.) And although I know these were just the fantasies of the child, as a mother these fantasies sounded pretty awesome. I have been for bidden to speak of anything about Erek’s childhood that sounds feminine, which is extremely hard given the femininity that he displayed. It gives me serious grief to essentially avoid any reminiscing with him. Last month, Erek announced that he’s changing his name to Aspen. He likes it because it is gender fluid. So now in this narrative I will transition to calling him Aspen. Last month I bought Aspen a car as a gift for graduating from Massage school. It’s a gift to him, but it’s in my name until he can afford the insurance and taxes. He mentioned that he wants to start driving for Lyft. My husband is an insurance man, and we looked into the insurance impatiens, and found that although it isn’t widely understood, driving for rideshare companies is considered extremely risky in terms of liability. The insurance would triple in cost and would still be inadequate if a serious accident occurred. Being the legal owner of the car, I and my husband would be at risk if any lawsuits were to result. So I had to tell him no. When I try to explain this to Aspen, he had an emotional meltdown. He blamed me for his lack of money (I give him $800 per month, pay his health & car insurance, and provide his cell phone). He works a part time job and is awaiting his license for massage therapy from the state. Anyway, when he started blaming me, I got upset and mistakenly use the name Erek and he blew up. It got pretty heated, and I asked him to leave because it was late at night, and I have insomnia problems. A conflict like that would keep me awake all night (and it did). He refused to leave multiple times. I finally got to a point that I didn’t ask but told him to leave, I mistakenly use the name Erek again, then added Aspen, and out of anger in for good measure used his birth name. He finally left, but won’t speak to me. He has put out on Facebook (I don’t see his posts but was told about it) that his mother used his dead name (I just learned that term) as a means to hurt him. At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about hurting him so much as showing exasperation at how hard it can be keeping up with the moving target of his wishes. It should be said, that earlier this summer, he told me that he sees fear in my face when I make a mistake With his pronouns and then I could call him anything I wanted because he knows I’m in his corner. And that is absolutely true I am in his corner. I am trying my best, but I am at my wits end and feel extremely manipulated. It’s very complicated, as I think there has been a lot of emotional damage in his life for a lot of reasons. I think that he has some very deep self-esteem issues, and he seeks attention with others by being a victim. I think he is using this as an opportunity to do this, however if he is is deeply hurt by what I did I’m extremely sorry and I have texted him to tell him that. He will not respond. I have decided to stop reaching out (I have done so several times ) and just give him his space. I’m pretty sure he will reach out when his rent is due. I’m just not sure what I do from here. He is a 26-year-old adult, however he is been pretty slow in getting a sustainable job. I think that is the norm today, regardless of gender identity. Based on what I’m hearing on Facebook sounds like I am being disowned. Do I keep supporting him, given his behavior? Am I being too insensitive? I’m glad to find this space online. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Robin October 3, 2019 at 12:31 am #

      Y’all, there are some terrible typos in my original post. I was doing talk to text. I hope the gist of it comes through. I’m a master gardener so I guess that’s why my phone put “impatiens” in there. Sorry!

      Reply
    • transmom October 6, 2019 at 4:20 am #

      Robin, you have been on a DIFFICULT journey to say the least! To know your story is wrenching! I gotta say, your story made me take stock of my blessings through my journey with my son…and realize that I have been lucky! I hope other moms here will too!!!

      I loved when you said, ” … but ultimately tried to put myself in his place. I can imagine if I felt I was denying myself the luxury of my true identity, I would be very impatient to get on with my life and be who I really was.”

      That’s what EACH of us must realize!! Our children DESERVE to live their TRUE identities- and it isn’t up to us to decide what that should be for them!!!

      With all of that said, your situation is ESPECIALLY difficult! Your child is an adult but has LOTS of issues…depends upon you financially, struggles emotionally, and then blames you. I, of course, should not tell you what to do, but I do hope you continue to go to therapy- or maybe go back for some help on these recent stressful periods! What I do know, is it is a VERY challenging problem to support your child and at the same time have boundaries so you are not taken advantage of so you do not become resentful of the need/take. I think that therapy CAN help with finding ways to establish those boundaries. Have you considered going to therapy together- you, your husband and your son?

      I do NOT think you are being too sensitive! That is for sure!

      Hang in there- KEEP trying and KNOW you are an AMAZING mother! You are a SURVIVOR and a WARRIOR!!!

      Reply
      • Robin Stickney October 8, 2019 at 4:29 am #

        Thanks. It’s been a week and although I attempted to contact Aspen multiple times last week, I heard nothing back and have just decided to give the space he must need. I miss him and I wish he would reach out.

      • transmom November 17, 2019 at 7:44 pm #

        I hope giving him space while continuing to reach out to him has been helpful!!

  314. Vicky Bass October 10, 2019 at 1:12 am #

    Just found out about 2 weeks ago I’m lost.. my heart is hurting so much. I love my son so much. He as been taking Estrogen and my boyfriend isn’t ok but getting there the whole family is socked..I just need help..to much to text .

    Reply
    • transmom November 17, 2019 at 7:54 pm #

      Please know Vicky that it CAN be shocking…many of our older kids have spent their lives hiding this secret and trying their best to conform and be something that will be “more acceptable”…that leads us to this misunderstanding of our children’s sense of self, their needs, their lack of confidence, the anguish they are feeling. Please check out my latest post of a video from parents of their MTF child and their experiences!!!
      My best to you!!

      Reply
  315. Valerie October 11, 2019 at 8:13 pm #

    Hi! My son is 20 and transgender. I would love to be of help to other moms of transgender children. Please let me know if I can help. I know it’s hard.

    Reply
    • transmom November 18, 2019 at 3:19 am #

      How about writing a piece that shares your journey? I’d love to highlight it here!!!

      Reply
  316. Michelle Ott October 15, 2019 at 1:13 am #

    My son is 26, married and told me he was transitioning into a woman. I was totally shocked, did not see that coming at all.
    Said he had felt like this since he went through puberty. Not feeling right in his own skin, hated the way he felt and looked. He was depressed for so so long and we never knew. That’s what breaks my heart is that he has been going through this for so long alone. I’m trying to be supportive but that’s my sweet baby boy, my first born. I’m being strong for him but inside I’m crumbling. His wife and her family are wonderful and very supportive. They are angels. Thank goodness for that.
    I cannot call him my son anymore or by his given name. He has not been to a Therapist but maybe a couple months, he belongs to an online group. He will be starting hormones this month. I feel he has not had enough therapy to make such a huge decision like this.
    I thought there was a process of therapy and living as the gender you identify with for a certain amount of time before the final transition. I guess I was wrong. I just feel lost.
    I truly want him to do what he feels will make him happy. I will support him and love him.

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 10:45 am #

      I think there was a time when a certain amount of therapy was “required”, Michelle. I think so many more individuals have come to realize this truth for themselves that there is now an understanding that folks do not need to “prove” their identity to claim whom they are! With that said, there are many moms that would agree with you: before life altering choices of ANY kind are made, it is critical to take time and be incredibly thoughtful. Again, many of us believe that one important way to do that “work” is through therapy. In your adult child’s case, this is something that has trapped him his whole life…it appears that he seeks a relief that transitioning will bering to him- even without therapy. As a mom, it’s a LOT to take in, but all you can do is be loving and supportive. This is not necessarily easy as you wrestle with your own doubts, fears, and concerns for your child. Like I did, I highly recommend that you go to therapy and support yourself during this time! I know it helped me immensely!! I hope you find the peace and support you deserve as a loving mother!

      Reply
  317. Vee Lawson October 18, 2019 at 11:28 pm #

    My almost 30 year old son suddenly said he is a trans female. He has a fiancee and 7 month old son. He is an Army vet who has had his struggles, and quite frankky, his life is a mess. Can’t hold a job, is still married to his previous wife – long story- and i am having a very tough time understanding. His sister, my middle child, is non binary, and told me when she was about 12. It was easier for me to accept and support her. Yes, I know, pronouns. But now my son is wearing makeup and a padded bra, not super feminine clothing at this time,. I wonder if it is because his life is a big mess that he wants to be a new self? I just am at a loss. I appreciate any suggestions.

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:03 am #

      Hi Vee- When our children are not doing well, it is so hard for us as loving moms! It sounds like you have had more time to get used to your daughter’s identity and perhaps she is one of many non-binary folks that do not appear to be either very masculine – so that many be easier for you to accept as well. When men transition- many find that being new to hormone therapy and not having had any “transfeminine”surgery- can make it difficult to “pass”. I can understand that radical change in appearance combined with name and pronoun change is a lot to get used to…IT TAKES TIME!
      Being trans in a world that is not trans-friendly is not something (I believe) anyone would take on unless this was truly authentic to them- there are MANY ways that would be an easier way to “make a change”!!
      I think now, you need to read and listen to folks’ stories online and find a great therapist or support group for YOU! this is really challenging and it’s okay that you have all kinds of emotions around this transition! Take time. Be patient with yourself. Trust your kid and keep being as supportive as you can!

      Reply
  318. Claire Turnbull October 20, 2019 at 3:54 pm #

    Im crying as im reading this. I really need some help.

    Reply
  319. Mary October 20, 2019 at 9:45 pm #

    So glad to find your blog! Going to spend some time reading tonight and tomorrow. Just heard from our just turned 21 year old that they are trans (ftm). They are 1000 miles from home at college, so we are navigating this unexpected change long distance. It is not something we had every considered to be going on in their case. So still reeling a bit, told the kiddo that we love them and we were going to process this bit of news for a little while. Said we’d support them in this process, and encouraged them to get into counseling.

    I guess my pressing questions are – Would it be unsupportive to ask them for the background story of how they came to this realization? I feel a bit like they are on page 100 of a novel and we are on page 1 going – what happened? They have always been a bit unconventional and not always stereotypical in female behaviors. But I’m not either! I am aggressive in sports, love having muscles, rarely dress up or wear makeup, but feel completely and wholly female. In fact I would say our kiddo has always seemed more feminine than me, despite preferring short haircuts and not shaving. So I am struggling to catch up! I know behaviors are not identity, so I guess I’m just processing out loud here. And worrying that they will also not have stereotypical male behaviors/appearance so won’t that be a struggle too? Sigh. My biggest worry is that it is just such a hard road, but wishing they aren’t on that path doesn’t change anything.

    Anyway, glad to know I’m not alone in this parenting journey. We will try and figure out how to help them find a good counselor to aid in navigating this journey from far away. They have a friend at school that is trans (mtf) and I know their close friends will be supportive. The school will also be supportive, so that is good. Gah! Do not want to think about dealing with grandparent issues. But one step at a time I guess. There will be wine drunk tonight! LOL

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:09 am #

      You are awesome, Mary! You are ALREADY so far ahead of so many moms on this journey! You accept your new son and trust his choice. You are already realizing that there will be several bumpy roads to navigate, but you will take them on one at a time!
      Always remember, like good ol parenting of cis-gendered kids, there is not handbook for these kids either! Listen to your gut..ASK! Ask your son if at some point, if he would be willing to share his journey as you believe it would be helpful for you. Ask if he would like the female pictures of him in your home removed in case that might make him more comfortable when he comes home. Keep talking! Keep being you!!

      Reply
  320. Mk October 21, 2019 at 2:14 pm #

    Just found this….my 27 yr old son….told me 9 mo ago he is transgender….is now taking hormones . He/she has 2 boys 8 and 5. Im accepting as I can be..asI have never known or experienced anything like this before. I look back and think did I miss the signs???!!! Because ..he never expressed being gay or any feminine qualities….he/she is becoming more and more defensive about anything said about gender inequality…and stereo types….is there any one who can direct me to more info…TIA

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:13 am #

      Hi MK- It is really hard when our adult son’s come out and we are surprised! Remember, this is nothing YOU did or YOU missed…each kid has their own experience and for many, it means learning to become amazing actors and expertly hiding this reality for years!
      I am happy you are reaching out and trying to learn! There are several books under Resources on this blog that will help. I remember getting a lot out of “She’s Not There” when my daughter transitioned after college!!
      Keep being the supportive mom out have always been! Ask how you can help be supportive. Take her lead. Keep loving her!

      Reply
  321. Sarah bader October 29, 2019 at 3:05 pm #

    Hello
    Not sure if I will get anywhere with this or not but my 25 year old son is transitioning from male to female.Not sure how to feel I just know I love him and except him.He came out as gay at 16 it was tough but we got through it as a family.He met his current partner at 18 he being much older then my son but welcomed him into are family unconditionally.My son and I have been astraned from one another for almost a year. No communication on his end but I continue try everyday to reach out to him and no response. I believe his transitioning is the reason he pushed me away but I don’t know. I see pictures of him through my friends on social media as he has blocked me his brother,sister and father from all social platforms. I guess I need help understanding all of this and don’t know where to turn. Your platform was the first I clicked on and here I am. Any resources would be greatly appreciated.
    Sarah Bader

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:25 am #

      Hi Sarah- many parents say this transitioning brings them a feeling of loss – much like a death. In your case, it REALLY must feel that way for you because you do not have the benefit of contact and the reassurance that brings. I feel for you- that must be INCREDIBLY difficult!
      Obviously, you know inside that this is your (now) daughter’s choice to be estranged…and this HAS been something other moms have shared here!

      I would suggest you continue to reach out- it may not ever bring you the relationship you desire, but it does allow you to remind him that you are still willing! I hope you can find a therapist to be able to help you through this!!

      Reply
  322. K November 5, 2019 at 4:57 pm #

    My daughter is in transition to being a man. I just found out a few days ago. I feel like all my memories of him as a little girl are ruined. I am angry. I feel cheated. My other daughter is gay and married to a woman. A double sadness for me. I have reach out to people at PFlag. They are very kind. I want him to be happy, but I find no joy in any of this. My dreams are crushed. I know that it is his life. I wish him well.

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:32 am #

      It is so difficult, K, when we have dreams that are lost. It will take you time – as I am sure it did initially with your gay daughter- to accept not ALL of your dreams are not those of your (now) son! But I bet there ARE still dreams that you do continue to embrace and see realized: Did you dram that your daughter would live to see adulthood? Did you dream she would be sufficient and one day live her own life? Did you dream for her to find happiness ? Have loving relationships? Find contentment? Well EACH of those dreams are STILL coming true: just what they look like and in what context is changed! You CAN accept and love your new son- because loving mothers love their daughters and sons no matter what they choose to do for a living, who they choose to live their lives with and how they dress or the name they may choose. LOVE WINS!!! You CAN do this!!

      Reply
  323. Amy November 10, 2019 at 3:37 am #

    Is there a hotline I can call I just found out that my 22 year old son living with his girlfriend wants to be a girl ..my ex-husband told yesterday but my son knows now that I know and I love and support him thru anything but won’t answer my call or texts

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:34 am #

      I wish I did know of a hotline, Amy! I hope since you wrote this, that you have been in contact with your (now) daughter! I hoe you are reading, journaling, perhaps seeking therapy or a group of parents for support!!

      Reply
  324. Tracy Kelly November 18, 2019 at 6:12 pm #

    My 24 year old Son has just told me he is a Woman inside! I think of myself as a pretty hip Mum but I really never seen this coming! I have always knew he was different but not in this sense! I have lots of gay friends & have asked him if he was gay & told him that it would never be a problem to me but he assured me he wasn’t! When he called me out of the blue suicide I was at a loss of what it was that could make him feel this way! He told me I wouldn’t understand! I couldn’t think for the life of me what he thought I wouldn’t understand & was thinking all sorts but mostly I thought he was ill or dying & he didn’t know how to tell me 😭 so in a phone call I expressed my concerns & he just came right out with it…He is a Woman! Yes I was shocked but it sure beat the hell out of the thought that he was dying! I will always be supportive, I love my child & my family have all been pretty amazing! But I worry I will get this all wrong, I thing I need help in this transition as much as he does & I just want to get it right! Please help x

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:48 am #

      I would love to help, Tracy- I am sorry it took me so long to write to you! I hope by now things have settled in for both of you! I am happy that now your DAUGHTER is now able to identify in a way that is authentic to her and that you are taking this journey as it comes to you: embrace the change and embrace your daughter! Ask HER what you can do to be supportive!! Ask her to lead the way! And with her permission, reach out to friends and family so that, they too, will be supportive! Your daughter deserves all the love she can receive!! I hope also that you are kind to yourself: allow the myriad of feelings to come and go, and hopefully find a parent group or therapist as you also deserve to feel supported!

      Reply
  325. Mo November 22, 2019 at 12:54 pm #

    I’m new to this & still learning!
    I have the most amazing child that is ready to transition and I have so many questions & open to any & all helpful advice.
    My child is 26 years old born female & identifies as male & ready to move forward with transitioning.
    I don’t know when to use male pronouns, do I start now or after the transition? (for now I will say “she” as I tell a little bit of our story)
    She came out to me at 14, in the beginning we as a family went through the ups & downs that can sometimes accompany this new found knowledge.
    Our love for her is unconditional NO MATTER WHAT!!
    We were very involved in the wedding planning & preparations, when she married her wife about 3 years ago, and I absolutely adore my daughter-in-law!!
    One of the many questions in my head is… “my daughter has been a lesbian for several years, after transition will he be a transgender man or a straight man?”
    Also when I’m referring to the past when she was little, do I say “he” or “she”?
    Do I take down family pictures or her childhood pictures as a little girl that I have in my house?
    I’m not very good at the political correctness of things so I hope I haven’t phrased anything that would come across as hurtful or insensitive!!
    Please don’t let my naïveté insult or offend anyone!
    Please help me to do & say the right things for my child!

    I look forward to hearing suggestions, advice & experiences from other moms out there.
    May we all strive to live in a world of love, patience, tolerance & compassion for ALL

    🙏🏻♥️

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 8:52 pm #

      Such great questions from such a loving and supportive mama!! Your son (yup- that’s who he is from here on out) is blessed to have you in his corner! Even though your son’s appearance will gradually change over the next year- year and a half, he is on his way! Just as reference, my son’s voice was fully deep before the first year on testosterone, but it wasn’t until a year and a 1/2 that other noticeable changes occurred- like a fuller beard and it was if his hips suddenly “fell off”! That softer roundish female face gave way to an angular and handsome sharp jawline! NO ONE would ever guess my son was ever female!!! He works out and can now do pull ups and push ups while as female, he never could! All these changes REALLY help in finding one’s identity! And here’s the awesome part…as he transitions, it is easier for you to get used to your new son gradually!!
      I always recommend that you ask your son what he needs: would he prefer for you to put away earlier pictures? (please know your bedroom can be considered YOUR place to have a couple out – please do not make it a shrine- but in the home as a whole- you want to honor what makes your son feel most comfortable! My son asked that pictures of him over 12 be removed. Easy peasy!!
      You are remarkable in your desire to be supportive and respectful- thanks for modeling that for all of us here!!

      Reply
  326. M. Reed November 23, 2019 at 10:44 am #

    Thank you. I am at a beginning. I don’t know if it’s mine or my son’s (probably just mine). He’s wonderful, I’m just so afraid. He’s a teenager and I fear what I don’t know, he’s future and his safety. I appreciate all of the friendly places I can find. To better educate myself so I can better support him.
    Thanks
    M. Reed

    Reply
    • transmom January 20, 2020 at 6:52 pm #

      It’s great of you to reach out to all of the many sites and FB groups, M, we can feel very isolated without connections with others experiencing the same kinds of challenges! 8 years ago, I could not find any such groups online and felt so alone!! Writing here and reaching out really was so helpful to me!
      There are different challenges when you have a teenager transitioning!! I hope you and your son can find a family group that can provider you both with support!! That way you are with other folks that get you both!! An experienced therapist in gender issues can also be great if you can find one near you! It depends of course where you live, but many schools are prepared and supportive of kids who are transitioning! I hope your son’s school has folks he can reach out to!
      Keep loving your son- that is the very best gift you can give him!!!

      Reply
  327. Julie December 3, 2019 at 5:26 pm #

    Wow I’m at the beginning stage what did I do wrong two Son’s 25 + 33 I just found out!! This is the first time I looked for support! And it’s nice to know that it’s our journey to!❤❤💔

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 3:29 am #

      YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! This is NOT a mistake or due to raising children a certain way!! Of course I can say that now because I am so much further along than you AND many books and professionals later, I know this is how our children developed in utero- this is a part of them that cannot be denied!
      So please- if you haven’t already- stop beating yourself up and be happy that your sons will find support and understanding in you and in each other! Also know that this is something they have been feeling for YEARS- and just now understanding that they will be happier expressing their true identities- even though the transition may not be readily accepted by the community at large. Keep reading, keep reaching out, keep asking your sons how you can be of support and keep KNOWING you are an awesome parent!!!

      Reply
  328. Bridget Palmieri December 5, 2019 at 7:02 pm #

    I enjoyed reading what you wrote. My son I 29 years old and just a month ago he came to me and told me he thinks he’s trans. he believes he’s gay but likes wearing women’s clothes. I told him I’m ok with that but I need support on trying to help him.

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 3:44 am #

      Hi Bridget! For those of us (you are probably around my age because my son is 31 and my daughter 29) who grew up not having any experience with transgender folks or issues, this can be quite confusing and emotional!
      One thing I have learned along my journey is that sexual desire and identity is WHO you choose to go to bed with (in your son’s case, another male). But being trans is an IDENTITY issue- it has NOTHING to do with sexual interests- instead, it is WHO you wake up as!
      Now with saying that, an individual can be considered or labeled (since we seem hell-bent on labeling everyone for everything) as gay AND trans. So let’s use my (now) son as an example. Before transition, since he was cisgender female (assigned the female gender at birth), he was considered gay: he was sexually attracted to other females. Then he came to the understanding he was transgender so transitioned to becoming male. So when the world looks at my son and daughter-in-law…they look like a good ol’ heterosexual couple!! This example to me shows how goofy all these labels are: my son didn’t magically become heterosexual!
      Your son is 29. Trust him to find out if he simply enjoys dressing in women’s clothes- or if identifying full time AS a woman is what he needs to feel whole and authentic.
      This is not necessarily a kind and supportive world…so coming to these decisions can be racked with pain and excruciatingly difficult.
      Please believe me: NO ONE WOULD CHOOSE TO TRANSITION ON A LARK OR AS A PHASE!! ESPECIALLY NOT AT 29!! Your son’s life is at stake…he needs you along this journey! Just let him know you will take his lead and support him in the ways HE tells you he needs. Keep asking. Keep loving.
      You are an awesome mom- you’ve got this!

      Reply
  329. Jessica Marostega December 18, 2019 at 11:12 pm #

    Hi, my son is 23, he started on testosterone when he was 18(when he told us that he wanted to live his adult life as a male, not a female). He had too surgery and a complete hysterectomy since then. He suffers from unexplained joint/limb pain in the both his arms and legs, to the point that he had to stop working. He has been to many doctors and he had many tests like blood work, ultrasound, etc. Everything comes back normal. My gut is telling me it has to do with hormones since he did not have this pain prior to becoming a man. I’m hoping with time it will go away on its own but it has been 3 years with no improvement. Has anyone experienced anything like this? We are desperate for hell and advice and he is fearing that he will not ever be able to work and support himself. Any help would be appreciated.

    Thank you!!!
    Jessica

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 3:55 am #

      Wow, Jessica! I am so sad your son is in pain. I have never heard of this before.
      When I typed in this issue as a search, this is a link I found: lowtestosteroneexpert.com/joint-pain-and-low-testosterone/
      Perhaps it is the level of testosterone?
      heres’ another link with a similar question:
      https://www.healthline.com/health/low-testosterone/joint-pain

      Good luck to you both!!! If you do find answers, please let us know!

      Reply
  330. Annie Grossmann December 25, 2019 at 5:30 pm #

    I also feel alone. My 26 year old just told me he was transgender, not a girl, And non-binary, and that he wanted to be called Hannah. I am having an extremely hard time with the name change and poor taste in clothing.
    Taste in clothing.

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 4:11 am #

      Hi Annie! I am so sorry you are struggling and feel alone! Please know there are SOOOO MANY other mothers feeling exactly as you do!!
      When our children- born male or female- choose to express their identity out of the norm, this is not what we had expected for them. We moms often dream of a life and lifestyle for our children that is not at all what they desire or dream for themselves.
      Frankly, we have to get out of their way and follow THEIR choice: their life, their lifestyle, their identity! AND- here’s the great part- if we can take a deep breath, allow ourselves to mourn the loss of OUR dream (they are NOT mourning!) – if we can learn to accept what may be uncomfortable and unconventional, THEN we can enjoy and celebrate our children!! THEN we will continue to be welcome in their lives! THEN we will understand that joy is REALLY about expressing our individual selves authentically!! You get to think they have “poor taste” in clothing- they may love to be unconventional. You don’t have to wear it or like it- they just want you to continue to be a loving mom DESPITE their unconventional choices!!
      I’m not saying this is easy: IT IS NOT WHEN YOU ARE CONVENTIONAL! I had to learn to stop caring what STRANGERS thought and who was judging my kid…and I learned (IN TIME) to look past it all and realize I was missing out on an amazing human that is an important member of society and I needed to get out of MY OWN WAY in order to find my way back to my kid- with whom I should have been aligned all along! In the process I grew and became thankful to him for forcing me to open my heart and my mind!
      PLEASE KEEP TRYING! YOUR KID IS WORTH IT!!!

      Reply
  331. Annie Grossmann December 25, 2019 at 5:40 pm #

    Right now my son who is transgender is
    Not seeking hormones or
    Surgeries. He was born with a heart defect and has been through two open heart surgeries. I can’t
    Help
    But think why wasn’t that enough of a cross to bear. I am open to others’ choices, but having an especially hard time with this. I never wanted to label Daniel turned Hannah. Just Daniel was his own unique person, now I have to fit him into all these labels he has given himself. When people ask me how many daughters and sons I have. I used to
    say one daughter and one son. Now, I don’t know what
    to say.
    I also don’t see how to reply to others’ replies.

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 4:33 am #

      Hi Annie- I get that this is hard for you! You are NOT alone in feeling this way. Believe me, this WILL get better as you become more accustomed to your child’s expression of self.
      With that said, I want you to imagine that it is even harder for your child to see YOU struggle with the pain and discomfort SHE is causing you as she makes this transition! SHE not only wants but NEEDS your love and support- just as SHE relied on you during those 2 serious heart surgeries; SHE- Hannah- needs you now!
      When people asked how many children I have, I say two (that hasn’t changed). Then if they ask, “girls or boys?” I answer 1 of each – that is my reality now. If they are asking me about the gender of my children, honestly, they do not know me well enough to learn the private nitty-gritty details of how my children came to identify- so I remember this as I answer, careful not to reveal more than my transgender child would feel comfortable with.
      Sometimes I ran into someone and the conversation went like this:
      them: “you have 2 daughters, right?”
      me: “no, a daughter and a son”
      them: that’s weird, I could have sworn that you had two daughters!”
      me: “(Laugh) Ha! Me too! Actually my son used to be my daughter: he is transgender. He now identifies as male.”

      Of course, I am always ready for different reactions- many folks are startled or curious and ask more. I always am kind and patient, remembering I once knew as little as these well-meaning acquaintances. At the same time, I owe my allegiance to my kid and I only share as much as my son is comfortable with me sharing on his behalf.
      This is why you need to have a conversation exactly about how your Hannah would like you to answer if pressed on more private issues: people actually will ask if my kid has had surgery (I say that really is his personal and private choice- it’s not for me to disclose).
      I can almost always stop the questions or doubters with, ” Here’s the thing: I love my child as much as I am sure you love yours. And my kid is finally happy and healthy and alive! I don’t need my child committing suicide over being shunned and not accepted.” No sane person can disagree and it is easy to move on from this!! Try it!!
      Lastly, I would actually suggest you role play these difficult conversations with friends or family or even Hannah, so that you are really ready to answer comfortably!! You CAN get there- but, my friend, you also have to believe it! Remember, Daniel’s identity was YOUER dream- Hannah is, in reality, your daughter!! Love her and you can’t go wrong!!

      Reply
  332. Leigh Duff January 9, 2020 at 4:26 pm #

    Hi!
    My 19 year old son is Transitioning to a Female, I am having a extremely difficult time with all of this but love him to pieces and I am trying my hardest to be supportive. I literally feel like I am having a breakdown, Please help!

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 4:51 am #

      Hi Leigh! I know this is not what YOU would choose for your daughter- let’s start calling her the correct name, pronouns, etc…the more you correct yourself, the easier this will become. I promise you. But you need to start doing this hard work because your heart will never fully buy into acceptance if you call your daughter “him” at home and then try to change pronouns when in front of her or just when you are with others. She’s here. She’s not going anywhere- as painful and harsh as it may feel to hear this right now- she is STILL your kid! She looks different and will continue to change in appearance with hormones and clothing and make-up choices…but no matter what- the PERSON inside is YOUR CHILD!! The love you feel has not changed- it’s just that the fear you feel right now is clouding your expression of love!
      Leigh: I once thought, “Oh my God, I actually do not unconditionally love my child!”…that was just fear talking…I needed to realize I was completely hung up on what others would say, what they would think, how my kid couldn’t possibly become happy, on and on and on…I psyched myself into some scary, scary thoughts!
      Then I started writing. If I thought something sad or fearful, I wrote it down (and I forced myself to use the new pronoun!):
      He won’t find anyone to ever love him.
      I will never get to go to his wedding.
      He will never find a job.
      People will constantly stare.
      My family members won’t accept him.
      On and on and on. Guess what? I was wrong on ALL of them. My kid is loved. He got married. He became a lawyer after transitioning. My family accepts him. No one stares.
      Practice HER name. Write HER name. Roll your eyes, laugh, and correct yourself when you get it wrong- you are trying and you will get there! Ask HER how you can help! Take her shopping. Buy her a purse. or a bracelet. or makeup. Ask her how she feels and if it’s hard. Tell her you are trying. And tell her you love her NO MATTER WHAT! Text her everyday that you love her. Ask her what she needs. Be there for her. Put her feelings first as you always have before. You are still her mom!
      YOU’VE GOT THIS!

      Reply
    • GlobalNewWorld (@LifeCoachSkype) January 24, 2020 at 7:34 pm #

      Dear Leigh, I just want to lend you a hand of support and tell you that it will all pass with time. I have seen many trans kids and concerned parents when I held a clinic in NJ and can confidently tell you that you will be so proud of your child when all the shock and confusion passes. This is a difficult time for all of you, but just know that once you see your daughter happy you will be happy too. I wish you all the best.

      Reply
      • transmom January 28, 2020 at 7:33 pm #

        Thank you GlobalNewWorld: knowing that this time of confusion and fear IS replaced by joy helps all take a deep breath and continue!

    • Diane Arsenault February 12, 2020 at 7:26 pm #

      Leigh Duff, You can message me directly if you want. I am going through the same thing and am overwhelmed with grief.

      Reply
  333. John Lyon January 10, 2020 at 11:07 am #

    I know this is for mothers but I just wanted to say it’s nice to see the same feeling of loss expressed here that we are still feeling for our daughter Adriana and the same love we feel for our son Matt. I found this while looking for help after my wife asked me tonight how we can help him be Happy and I could only say I don’t know….

    Reply
    • transmom January 21, 2020 at 5:05 am #

      Hi John! Since I am a mom, I geared my blog toward other mothers..but I am delighted you found us! Of course dads feel similarly and have many of the same struggles we moms experience!
      You asked how you can help him be happy? You already are: you are reaching out and learning! You are broadening your understanding. You are asking, How can I help?” So please do just that!!: Ask Matt! What can we do so that you feel supported? And remind him- OFTEN- you are proud of his strength to be who he knows himself to be; that you trust him; that you love him no matter what! Talk about how and when he would prefer you disclose this news to relatives and close friends. Consider writing a letter/email/phone script together about what to say and what he’s comfortable with in sharing.
      My son was already an adult and living out of state when he began his transition, so lots of our conversations were over the phone…but we always asked him to lead the way and he was really grateful! And even though he was away, we still went to therapy with someone that specialized in gender issues and found a fabulous support group with other families- those really helped us as parents!
      John, what I love about you and your wife is that you are tackling these issues and these difficult changes TOGETHER!! This will definitely bring you even closer!! You are in this as a team – how lucky your Matt is to have both of you united, by his side!! Blessings to the three of you!

      Reply
  334. A kid trying my best January 16, 2020 at 12:25 am #

    Hi there! Not a parent, but a trans child here 🙂
    I’m FTM, 16, and my mom is having a pretty hard time with accepting and supporting me. I know where she’s coming from so there’s really no hard feeling haha, but what can I say or do to help her? I want her to be a part of my life and my journey, but she doesn’t seem to entirely understand.
    Any help appreciated!
    – 🙂

    Reply
    • transmom January 19, 2020 at 11:56 am #

      I love hearing from you, “Kid”! You are amazing: so loving and thoughtful!!! Many kids- older and younger- are so focused on the many changes and responses to their transitioning, that they do not think about how to best “bring their own parent along”. But YOU are!! Take a bow!!
      What helped me most was that my (FTM) son said these words to me:
      “You will have your own process, Mom. Take your time.”
      That really took the burden off and I realize now how incredibly generous that was of him!! I always wish EVERY kid could give their mom that gift!
      I will also tell you the same thing that i share with moms: Offer and ask: How can I make this journey less difficult for you? Do you have any questions that you want to ask?
      Remind her that you love her. remind her that you appreciate that she is trying and you know this is hard. Remind her that you NEED her and ALWAYS will. Remind her that while your dreams and expectations may not exactly look like those she has always held for you, you do still have dreams and goals and you continue her to be by your side as you follow those!!

      The BEST of luck to you! You are AWESOME!!!

      Reply
      • Beth Kwakenat January 21, 2020 at 5:03 am #

        I second your words, Transmom! My (mtf) daughter said similar words to me. She made it so much easier for me to adjust to everything! I know we are some of the lucky ones to be just as supported by our kiddos as we are of them.

        “Kid” one of the other things my daughter told me was as long as I was trying to get her name and pronouns right, slipping up now and again was ok. I know it made it easier for me to stop beating myself up when I messed up. I think it hurt her more to know I was upset with myself than my mistakes did.

        Thank you for writing to us! I hope you’ll stop by again and let us know how you are doing!

      • transmom January 21, 2020 at 5:15 am #

        I love hearing this Beth!! I know my life has been incredibly enriched by my having a transgender child: my heart has opened, I continue to learn tolerance and check my opinions and biases regularly! I am appreciative of knowing parents like you are doing the same!! Thanks!

  335. Darlene January 22, 2020 at 12:15 am #

    I’m hurt angry confused devastated
    And that’s just today.
    I have questions
    Some that noone wants to talk about my beautiful gorgeous loving caring son wants to be a woman
    Why

    Reply
    • transmom January 24, 2020 at 3:33 am #

      I am so sorry you feel confused and devastated! I am happy to lend you support if I can! Is there something specific you would like to know? How old is your son? Have you asked him to explain how he is feeling and ho long he he felt this way?

      Reply
      • Darlene February 6, 2020 at 3:35 am #

        Hes 23.. no Real explanation. Lost trapped all the cliches. I dont believe him .I blame his wife for manipulating him.
        He never showed any kind of ,confusion or angst that I ever saw
        I’m physically sick over it all.because I I kno hes only trying to make other people happy not himself because I Know my son
        To risk surgery at such a young age

      • transmom February 23, 2020 at 3:31 am #

        Darlene, I hear you fearing the worst. I hear you blaming his wife. I understand he will always be your child and you are worried sick.
        Darlene, at 23, he gets to choose his life. It is his life now- to make mistakes and to make choices that you may not approve of. If he chooses to make others happy above himself, then he must experience this. It is his life and his choice.
        As mothers, we are not asked to approve. We are only asked to love. Unconditionally. That means without criticism. Without “I told you so”. We are there to hold and love and believe. Even when we don’t want to believe. That is the gift of motherhood that we bestow upon our children. No matter their age. No matter their choice.
        Believe. Love. Support. and love some more. Without blame. Only with love in the moment. That is the gift we bring as mothers: to love without condition.

  336. Rebecca January 30, 2020 at 12:21 am #

    My son is 24. When he was 18 he told me he was bi-sexual. I already knew this and it did not come as a surprise. About 6 months ago he told me he has gender disphoria and was gender fluid. About a month later my best friend tells me about his Facebook post where he has changed his name and gender to female. We did talk about this and I asked please to talk to me and not have me find out this way again. He is talking about starting hormones and then legally changing his sex. Maybe I am wrong but my heart is screaming this is not right. He girlfriend is bi but has made it known she prefers girls and my son has become an entirely different person since he has been dating her. My biggest guestion is how do I let my son go and accept my daughter.

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2020 at 1:26 am #

      Rebecca, this is a difficult journey for you! You are a supportive and completely loving and accepting mother. As such, you have “rolled” with the many changes along the way as your child has brought them to you. You have remained generous and supportive! I hope other mothers reading your story will recognize already how wonderful you are!
      I so understand why your heart is screaming out right now. I imagine for you it may feel like “the last straw”. Well, indeed it is: your child has finally landed in the place that speaks to him most: to identify as female.
      You are not at all alone in feeling this way, this is common among parents of transgender kids who are beginning to transition. And after so many changes in how your child felt, now there is this REALLY huge departure. After all, it is one thing to express one’s SEXUAL PREFERENCES while continuing to appear male (that may be different from yours), but it is a completely different proposition to express your GENDER IDENTITY differently and appear female. Now your son has become your daughter. That is not easy to accept when you did not expect this!
      I also understand why you might look to your son’s girlfriend as the reason why this change has occurred….of course you want to know why this is happening and she seems like she could be of influence.
      But here’s what I have learned, Rebecca: Gender identity is NOT decided by the influence of a girlfriend. Changing one’s life and identity from male to female IS huge: it has taken your son many years to come to this understanding of himself- I believe that he has found someone with whom he feels supported, accepted and loved and with that support, acceptance and love, he now feels the strength to make this important change. Believe me, the world is not particularly generous and kind to our transgender children…your child knows this and despite the challenges that face him, he is willing to face the obstacles in order to live authentically.
      I hope you will be able to sit with your -now -daughter and ask if this is how he really identifies. Believe her. Respect that this is not at all easy or frivolous for her. Ask her what she needs and also ask her to be patient with you: you need time and just as you will respect her process, you are asking her to respect yours.
      Love CAN be unconditional- but that doesn’t mean that unconditional love comes easily. you WILL get there, Rebecca- I promise you! Be kind to yourself. Feel everything- positive and negative- just land back in the love. It’s what you know how to do best. it’s what you have been doing all along!

      Reply
  337. Ryam January 30, 2020 at 1:03 pm #

    My daughter is 12 and questioning. We had a great conversation about it and the conclusion– for the time being anyway– is that nothing is changing yet. (Thus the female pronouns.) But she doesn’t know that I know she’s been coming out to her friends one by one and that she’s telling them her certainty is 100% that she is actually male, so I know it’s only a matter of time before we are asked to make the transition from having a daughter to having only sons. I am struggling.

    There are some things that are making it more difficult than I imagine it would be under different circumstances. I’m 40 years old and pregnant. It was not planned, and happy and excited as I am, I’m overwhelmed. It’s a big change and here comes this next big change and I’m just not handling it as well as I want to.

    I feel my level of grief is disproportionate to the situation, but I can’t seem to get it under control. (Thanks, pregnancy hormones.) I want to know if others felt this much grief (like there has been a literal death) and if so, how long did it last? I want to know if I’ll be asked to hide all evidence or reminders of femininity in my child’s past. What has helped other parents make the shift so they can support their child in the way they need to be supported?

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2020 at 3:23 am #

      Ryam, you are SO NOT ALONE!! The “grief” thing is REAL!!! I believe that MANY parents have to really grieve in order to let go of how much is emotionally tied to what they know to be their child.
      The truth is- one year down the road- and you will look at your kid and see that THIS child- this BOY!- is REALLY who your kid was always meant to be! And 5 years down the road- you will hardly recall calling him by any other pronouns- it will actually be that “normal”!! The previous visage fades because the current is real and represents joy and authenticity. It WILL happen: it just takes the gift of time.
      I think this IS harder for you than most: at best, a new life brings all kinds of concerns (health!!!) and expectations: how will this child be? How will I be as a 40 year old mom? And let’s face it: the anxiety that comes with that last question! And now there’s a new question: can I deal with all of this at once? I didn’t “sign up” for either of these HUGE events- WTH?!! Ryam, you GET to be overwhelmed!
      About the evidence of your daughter’s past? That’s up to her. My son wanted all the pre-12 years old stuff to be removed. So I still have lots of 12 and under remnants of life around. Other kids find it ALL painful. Your child will be your guide! But you get to have a picture in your bedroom if you need to. Or tuck one away where is cannot cause pain.
      Just your asking this question let’s me know you (and your someday soon son) will be GREAT!!! You will keep talking to him and reaching out. You will be a mother to your new surprise baby (surprises ARE the best!!) AND to your new son because a mama is who you are!! You care. You love. You support. YOU’VE GOT THIS!!!!

      Reply
  338. Mandi February 21, 2020 at 9:24 am #

    Hello I’m a Mom of a gay black 29yr old man that dresses like a woman, he says he’s not transgender he’s androgynous but then mentions from time to time he wants hormones? So needless to say I’m a confused mom that needs answers.

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2020 at 3:45 am #

      Hi Mandi! I need to say that I do not have all the answers. Our kids are complex these days to say the least! There are choices of expression that were never exhibited so openly before. For so many of us moms, Mandi, we just don’t get it!
      Bit what I DO get is YOU! I understand why you would be asking why a man that says he is androgynous “needs” hormones! That, too, confuses me! So you are not alone in that. But what I have learned through my son, his friends and just being open to the many alternatives that exist is that it doesn’t NEED to make sense to US!!! Instead, it’s what speaks to each of our children that is important!
      I’m gonna take a risk here and ask that perhaps while your son doesn’t identify as female (as someone transgender might), there may be many times that he would like to feel MORE female than he currently does…and hormone therapy might help him achieve just that. Hormones may allow him to tap into his feminine side in a way he cannot with an abundance of testosterone as his given hormone.
      I hope that you will be honest with your son- let him know you WANT to understand, you love him and that you want to be supportive, but this identity stuff is new to you. Ask for his patience while you let him know your love continues and is unconditional! You are a loving mom that can help build this important bridge! Your love is all your son needs- androgynous, with or without hormones, with or without transition: he will be safe going forward with your love!!!

      Reply
  339. Lisa February 23, 2020 at 3:39 am #

    Please help me my son is transgender and we went to a surgeon to get the top surgery and now I find out the my insurance won’t pick it up until he’s 18 so for the last two days it’s been nothing but crying and he’s very upset it doesn’t Matter what I say it’s not helping I don’t know what to do been to the therapist please help if anyone have any advice Lisa from New York

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2020 at 3:57 am #

      Hi Lisa- You are not alone in trying to help your child! This is an absolute tragedy for our children that suffer with gender dysphoria: having a physical body that does not match their identity is incredibly painful!! Our children NEED to feel comfortable !!
      This must be an incredible loss for your child!
      First, do not give up. Let your child know that you will continue this fight!! You are researching online and reaching out for help! I do not know how old your child is, but they need to know that there IS hope: You can work on filing appeals. You can research other insurance policies. You can see if there are family support groups in your area so your child does not feel alone during this time. Most importantly, help your child to work through this as you (as an adult) would approach a devastating event: yes, there is the grieving of the disappointment, but there is also understanding that this does not mean forever…and there is a plan to be made during this time of uncertainty: Does he have a binder that he feels comfortable in? Does he have friends to confide this disappointment with? Can he write/journal about these feelings and/or share them with a therapist?
      I hope your search in your area finds you the support you need while you manage this terrible time. Strength to you and your son!!

      Reply
      • Lisa February 23, 2020 at 12:24 pm #

        He’s 17 years old been on testosterone for a year I just don’t understand why my insurance won’t pick up the top surgery until he’s 18 I’m really scared for him I will never give up on my son and I feel so helpless just want him to be happy thank you for listening Lisa from New York

      • transmom February 23, 2020 at 11:24 pm #

        Lisa, I can imagine not only your frustration, but your pain and anguish having to even go through this!! Please see my latest post- it has a link to sign in support of trans health care!! Sending you virtual hugs and support!!!

  340. Erika Benadom February 23, 2020 at 5:10 am #

    What a beautiful welcome message! Thanks you for creating this space where you allow us a window into your journey so that we may find companionship on our own.

    Reply
    • transmom February 23, 2020 at 11:22 pm #

      You are MOST welcome, Erika!! It’s all about the love!!

      Reply

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